


Order Through Pain, Healing Through Love

by MsMarvelous



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Avengers Family, Bathing/Washing, Boys Kissing, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Bucky Barnes's Trigger Words, Conditioning, Creepy Brock Rumlow, Dehumanization, Documentation, Eventual Smut, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) is a Good Bro, M/M, Medical Procedures, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Past Brainwashing, Past Torture, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Rape/Non-con Elements, Red Room (Marvel), Sadistic Brock Rumlow, Self-Harm, Steve Rogers Feels, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:47:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 127,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21534178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMarvelous/pseuds/MsMarvelous
Summary: Bucky Recovery fic. The Avengers help Steve bring home a worse for ware Winter Soldier and the healing process is a long and painful struggle with lots of love and support, angst and resilancy. SLOW BURN with Smut at the end. My first Real STUCKY with sexy times at the very end. Hope you give it a chance.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 140
Kudos: 192





	1. Bitter Revenge

**Author's Note:**

> Authors note: Hello readers! For those of you who may be familiar with my past works of fan-fiction, this is the longest Bucky recovery saga I have taken on (Over two years of writing with constant months of writers block), and my first attempt at slow build, Stucky slash with smut at the end. There are always themes in my works, common character dynamics and story elements I think of as intrinsic to the Bucky Barnes recovery arch we are all familiar with. This story is post CAWS and not compliant with Civil War how ever there are specific things from that movie I barrowed like Rumlow saying “Your Bucky.” That is actually a big thread in the evolution of this story as the Winter Soldier rediscovers himself as Bucky Barnes. Also I include the trigger words and the Winter Soldier book with the star on it.
> 
> This fan-fic will also have references to Non-Con / past torture and abuse as well as the resulting trauma and mental health needs of a POW who is going through an Identity Crisis, Amnesia, PTSD, Chemical Withdrawal, Starvation, Dehumanization, and of course Brainwashing.
> 
> This will be a very long, drawn out recover fic with all the hurt/comfort and angst you can stand. I will also have sexual intimacy develop with a lot of focus on consent and the difficulty of that Stucky dynamic on a moral and ethical level. The only full on sex scene will be at the very end and it is definitely smut with pornographic depictions and language but with purpose and plot.
> 
> Also no one has ever offered to draw fan-art for any of my fics,….. just saying….
> 
> As you read some of the chapters will start with song lyrics. I invite you to youtube and listen to the song before or as you begin to read that section of the story as a soundtrack for this tale of woe and strife, resiliency, recovery, friendship and love.
> 
> Last comment, I am Dyslexic and will try my best, so please don’t hate if you cannot tolerate or appreciate my inability to punctuate…………… or spell.
> 
> Anyhoo, y’all enjoy and of course please feel free to leave comments. This work is complete, and I will be updating as I edit each chapter.

Well, you're my friend  
And can you see  
Many times we've been out drinking  
Many times we've shared our thoughts  
But did you ever, ever notice  
The kind of thoughts I got?  
Well, you know I have a love  
A love for everyone I know  
And you know I have a drive  
To live, I won't let go  
But can you see this opposition  
Comes rising up sometimes?  
That it's dreadful imposition  
Comes blacking in my mind

And then I see a darkness  
And then I see a darkness  
And then I see a darkness  
And then I see a darkness  
Did you know how much I love you?  
Is a hope that somehow you  
Can save me from this darkness

Bonnie "Prince" Billy / Johnny Cash

Captain America walked with long, determined strides, Falcon at his side and the Black Widow close behind. The mission had been a relative success, stopping an international arms deal of some hijacked Stark Industries’ weapons that had been missing since before Tony had become Ironman, back when Obadiah Stan was making black-market deals even SHEILD was unaware of. Now the three Avengers were heading toward their extraction point and then back to SHEILD for a formal debriefing. Steve rolled his stiff shoulders and let out a quiet sigh as Natasha shot him a small smile while Sam clapped him on the back.

“Hawkeye said touch down in two minutes.” She reported, hand to the com device in her ear. 

The Captain smiled and nodded, trying to take comfort in a job well done. Instead his gaze went distant as his mind wandered, the way it had so often in the past few months since first discovering the horrific truth that Sergeant Barnes, his best friend Bucky, had not in fact died all those years ago falling from the train but had been captured, tortured and brainwashed by their enemy and was now MIA. Steve felt Sam squeeze his shoulder and he glanced back at his friend who shot him a knowing look, reminding him that he was not alone in his hunt for the infamous Winter Soldier, and even through their search had yet to uncover any solid leads, they would keep looking. Steve offered a tight lipped smile and nod, looking up as the Quinjet landed and the ramp opened. They headed up into the plane, greeted by Hawkeye who gave them a slightly grim look, a frown under a pensive gaze. They looked at the Archer with concern, coming to stand in front of him with questioning expressions.

“Cap.” Hawkeye nodded with a sigh as if dreading his next words.

“Hawkeye,…?” Steve questioned, a sense of unease obvious and tension rising.

“SHEILD was contacted by Rumlow,….. he’s calling himself Cross Bones now.” Hawkeye snickered without humor, shaking his head as Falcon rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

“What did he want?” Natasha asked as she studied Clint’s slightly nervous shifting of body weight. Hawkeye looked from her to the Captain as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“He sent a video message,… Said it was for the Captain,…” Clint looked back up at Steve and squared his shoulders. “ Fury and Hill consulted with Stark….. they’re not sure if you should watch it.” He explained with a quiet mutter, knowing the exact response he would be given.

“Why?” Steve demanded, head tilted and gaze intense. Clint shifted again looking off to the side with his hands on his hips

“He sent it as a taunt,… he wants to mess with your head.” Clint explained and instantly the Captain knew.

“Bucky….” Steve whispered, swallowing, mouth suddenly dry, fists clenched. Clint gave him a steady look and nodded. Natasha shot Sam a worried glance and the Falcon met her gaze with a shake of his head both teammates well aware of how difficult the past few months had been for the Captain who had become emotionally despondent and restless, mind fixated on finding Bucky but growing frustrated with no solid leads in recent weeks.

“Lets go.” Steve said sharply and walked up to the cock pit, prepared to take off and head strait for the Avenger’s tower. The other three watched him go ahead with concerned apprehension.

“Have you seen the video?” Sam asked and Barton shook his head. 

“Fury brought it to Tony three hours ago to try and track where it came from… Hill said that it would only further compromise the Captain if he saw it… Didn’t want me to disclose but,… I am done keeping their secrets,… If it was me,…” Clint looked at Natasha who was considering what was being said. She glanced up at him with thought as he spoke. “If it was you that went missing,… and SHEILD got a video message about it,… I would want to know.” His gaze was intense and earnest. Natasha swallowed before she nodded back in mutual understanding.

“This is gonna hit Rogers hard,… Rumlow is a bastard, and he knows how much Cap cares about Barnes.” Sam sighed shaking his head. Natasha breathed out a sigh and nod of agreement, her calm mask only allowing a crease in her forehead and pursed lips, green eyes tracking the Captain as he set the coordinates. The ramp closed and they headed to their seats, a shared dread occupying the silent ride back to New York.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Jet had landed and Steve was the first off the plane, still in uniform but mask off, jaw locked and eyes focused. He could feel the other’s watching him and knew they were concerned about his critical judgment when it came to Bucky, speaking about it quietly to one another as they failed to realize how effectively the serum had enhanced his hearing. The Captain had swallowed down his grief and loss when he had first awoken from the ice because he had a job to do, a purpose and people depending on him. Discovering that for over two years he had been working with Hydra, and that his most despised enemy’s had not only tricked him into servitude, but had enslaved his best friend in a hellish existence for the better part of a century, was his worst nightmare come true. Steve resented SHEILD for allowing the terrorist organization to grow within their ranks and was horrified that Zola had received a pardon after what he had done to Bucky and the weapons he had created for the Red Skull. There was no way to alleviate the nauseous pit of guilt and rage that was burning in his gut and so the Captain soldiered on, the only thing he knew how to do.

Steve walked with a single-minded focus, expression schooled and breathing deliberate, knowing that everyone was watching him, ready for him to lose control. He wouldn’t do that, not when finding Bucky was on the line. He knew he was not the only one searching for the Winter Soldier and so he refused to give in to the emotional tidal wave that had been crashing against him from the very moment he saw that familiar face unmasked. He stayed calm and focused as he entered the briefing room, and as all eyes shot to him, he met them with steal determination. Stark was there in a tailored suite, quietly talking with Fury and Hill, as a nervous looking Banner stood near by sharing a whispered conversation with Pepper who gave Steve a compassionate smile that did not hid the uncertainty in her eyes. Steve nodded and walked directly over toward the Director of SHEILD with eyes that demanded full disclosure.

“Captain.” Fury nodded and received a curt nod back.

“Rumlow sent me a message?” Steve did not waste time on formalities, clearly intent on watching the video.

“Hey there Rodgers,….. The mission was a success I gather?” Stark tried to lighten the mood, his tone casual to distract from the Captain’s immediate intent.  
“Yes,… We recovered your weapons tech Stark, now show me this message.” Steve replied with a tone that was not a threat but a command.

“The video is a deliberate attempt to compromise your ability to think rationally Captain Rodgers. We cannot afford to have your emotional attachment to the Winter Soldier jeopardize our missions Sir.” Hill answered with a calm, authoritative tone of her own, respectful yet somehow still patronizing. Steve gave her a single, steady look, consciously controlling his breathing as he spoke.

“His name….. is Sergeant James Buchannan Barnes. He is an honored war hero and a POW Agent Hill, please remember that.” Steve’s voice was clear and underlined with steel, eyes glaring daggers at the SHEILD agent before he took a step back and looked straight at Tony who was watching him with growing apprehension.  
“I am not going to repeat myself again…… Mr. Stark,… the video please.” Steve spoke with a calmness that was more intimidating then if he were growling or shouting his demands. The Captain stood motionless with his fists clenched and gaze fixed on Ironman, then over to the Director and Agent Hill, eyes radiating an intensity that left no room for further discussion. With an exasperated sigh Stark shrugged and turned to his tablet, typing into the air on the holographic projection.

“Alright Rogers, don’t say we didn’t warn ya.” Tony sighed as he set up a large projected video against the wall, walking past Steve and awkwardly patting his shoulder, before standing in the back with the other Avengers and Pepper. Fury shook his head as he moved to the side with Hill, all eyes turning toward the lone figure who appeared large on the screen, black mask with crudely drawn bones across it.

“Hey Rogers!.... heard your all healed up and feeling better,…Gotta be tough though,… getting shot so many times by your old buddy,… Still,… kinda impressed that all it took was a stubborn Boy scout to break through decades of Hydra Programing….” Crossbones laughed as he shook his head. “I mean,… Hydra has been screwing with the Soldier’s head since the God dame 1940’s and all it took was you batting those baby blues and suddenly he falls apart!... Doesn’t take a single head shot… and fails the most important mission he has ever been assigned… Pathetic!” With a sudden and dramatic flare Rumlow removed his mask revealing a grotesquely burned face, ear melted and skin blistered. His appearance was startling but The Captain just remained stoic and silent as he watched the former Strike team leader snicker, dark eyes reflecting a twisted desire to hurt and cause pain.

“Like what you see Cap?... Maybe we should have burned your pretty little Bucky’s face off instead of just putting a muzzle on ‘em… Would have worked out better,… but guess we can just learn form our mistakes…. Order through pain!” Rumlow’s tone turned sinister as he leaned in, winking with a smirk. “Ya know Cap, I always figured Barnes had been your bitch boy, following your orders like a good little side kick!..... Keeping you warm at night during the War….” He laughed again slapping the table he was leaning on.

Steve’s face grew hot, a read blush traveling up his neck and spreading to his cheeks, shaking silently as his eyes burned, his entire focus on the taunting man’s image even as he was vaguely aware of the other’s in the room who were shifting and mumbling, glancing at him to gage his reaction.

“He was nothing before Hydra!... Just another dumb kid who knew how to shoot… Following around some self- righteous, moronically patriotic, red, white and blue clown!.... But we gave his useless life an actually purpose!.... Took your Boy-Toy Sergeant and broke him down, beat him till he was just a cowering animal who couldn’t even remember his own name.” Crossbone’s words were delivered with a gleefully malice tone, meant to gut the Captain and hit him where it hurt the most.

“Then,…with so much patience and dedication,…Hydra was able to take that wasted, cowardly sack of piss and shit… and mold him into a lethal weapon, a killing machine that was completely ruthless and unstoppable in the field,… but still obedient and compliant...our perfect little Soldier!” Rumlow barked a laugh as he nodded at the camera. “We gave him a second chance,… gave him order through pain,…and he will always be our Fist of Hydra!....He belongs to us!” His tone became resentful and almost enraged.

“You destroyed everything we worked toward!... Years of planning,… and all that god damn mut had to do was one, single kill shot to that stupid head of yours and Hydra could have finally given the world a sense of order,… the security of knowing everything was under control…” Rumlow scowled with a bitter shake of his head.

“You ruined it Rodgers,… and now, I am gonna ruin you!” His ugly scared lips twisted in a cruel smile.

“Here is just a little taste of what is gonna come… some footage of a lap dog winning for his former owner…But trust me Cap,… I got access to all kinds of quality films,… Hydra liked documenting their hard work, tracking their progress as they turned your little sniper side kick into the perfect Asset,… well,… maybe not perfect,… but Hydra doesn’t mind using discipline to keep him in line,… remind the Soldier of his place,… that he’s OUR Asset to control.” He sneered again and licked his lips.

Steve’s chest was rising and falling with quiet huffs of air as he shook with rage. His teeth gritted as he forced himself to remain still and fight the desperate need to hit something, over and over and over again.

“You’re lucky that I am so generous Cap, because I am gonna send you everything you don’t wanna see,… but I know you Rodgers,… I know your gonna watch it,… gonna weep and cry just like Barnes,… and maybe you will realize there is no coming back from what Hydra did,…He’s had his brain put through the blender so many times,…”Rumlow chuckled as he shrugged his shoulders, eyes gleaming. “The man you knew,…your Sergeant Branes… He’s gone…. and all that’s left is the Soldier,… and we know him better then you do Cap,… we are tracking him right now,… and this time, after he’s been properly punished and wiped clean,…. I am gonna be there at his side to make sure he sinks a bullet through that thick skull of yours… That’s a promise Cap!.... Enjoy the film Steven!” Rumlow snickered and the image cut out replaced by security footage.

Steve’s vision was tunneled, his entire focus on the screen as he felt his breath catch, taking steps forward unconsciously as he watched the image of a man, a man he had once known better than he knew himself. It was Bucky, with long hair, a metal arm and 100 lbs more muscle but it was him, and Steve felt his heart clench. The Solider was restrained in the heinous maintenance chair in an underground Bank vault that had been used as a Hydra base. The Captain swallowed and took in a shallow wheezing breath as he recognized the room, remembering the smell of blood and electricity and sweat. It had smelled just like the room Steve had found Bucky in, strapped to the metal table in Zola’s lab all those many years ago.

Steve had gone to the hidden Hydra base only a few weeks after he left the hospital, Sam at his side as he looked upon the torture device with horror. The base had been abandoned and was being searched by SHEILD agents who buzzed around the hollowed out vault, their voices echoing as The Captain remained frozen in place, eyes locked on the chair, unable to look away. It took Sam standing in front of him, a calm but worried expression and repeating his name several times before his trance had been broken. But his attention was caught once more when Natasha called to them from further back in the base where an empty Cryo chamber lay open. Steve had placed his hand on the tank and could not suppress the shiver that racked through his body as he pictured Bucky’s face, frozen behind the glass. It was at that moment that the tight knot in his stomach had sunk deep into his gut where it now lived, a constant companion reminding the Captain day and night that Bucky had suffered for so long, enslaved to their worst enemy and treated as nothing more then a weapon to be maintained and kept locked away in cold storage. 

“The Date on the footage,… that’s right after the fight on the over pass,…” Natasha’s soft voice brought Steve back to the present and he refocused, swallowing again and blinking fast, forcing himself to breath and maintain his composure. 

He watched the men in white lab coats wearing face masks hover around the partially restrained Soldier, using electric tools to fix his damaged metal arm. There were several other men in the room, dressed in black and armed, watching the Soldier intently. There were minor twitches of Bucky’s head, his long hair curtaining his expression before he jerked violently, head snapping to the side as if he had been struck. With no other warning the Winter Soldier growled out a harsh cry and his metal hand struck out hard and fast, sending the man with the electric tools flying across the room.

The Captain watched intently as The Soldier sat ridged and tense on the edge of the chair, arms flexed and breathy heavy as around him the Hydra guards stood alert with all guns pointed at him. There was moaning from the injured technician just out of frame followed by a gruff voice that sounded tense and slightly startled.

“Rumlow,…The Asset is non-compliant.” Jack Rollins, another familiar member of the Captain’s former Strike team spoke into his com device as he kept his gun trained on the Soilder’s head with the other guards staying back out of reach. They were all nervous and it was obvious and on edge not sure what had triggered the sudden, violent out burst.

Steve watched with anxious uncertainty as he studied Bucky’s face and body, watching as the Soldier’s shoulders began to shake and he slowly hunched forward slightly, fists becoming loose on his thighs and gaze distant as if lost in thought instead of ready to fight, his expression almost blank and the violence of only seconds before all but gone.

“He dissociates…” Natasha observed and Bruce nodded taking down notes as Sam took a few steps closer to the screen, standing just behind Steve as he watched the Soldier’s behavior with interest, mind already considering what therapeutic strategies would be needed to help a man likely suffering from the most extreme PTSD the VA counselor had ever seen.

There were mumbled words from outside the camera’s view, “unstable…. erratic ,” and then Peirce appeared walking through the door way escorted by Rumlow and a few other armed guards. 

Steve felt his teeth grind together as he flexed his hands before tightening them into fists. The other Avengers watched the screen with interest and Fury crossed his arms as he glared at the image of his former mentor, shaking his head.

Peirce held his hands up, a nonverbal order for the Hydra guards to stand down and lower their weapons. He seemed confident and unconcerned by the Soldier’s potential violence, taking off his glasses as he studied the blank expression and distant stare of his Asset.

“Mission report.” Peirce stated firmly, waiting a few moments for a response. The Soldier remained silent, offering no indication that he was even aware of his surroundings. 

“Mission report, NOW!” The Secretary’s tone was slightly harsher and more demanding but still had no effect. Peirce walked closer and bent over, getting on eye level with the Soldier who would not meet his gaze, eyes dilated and unfocused, staring without sight. There was only a momentary pause before Peirce brought up his arm and backhanded the Asset with enough force his head snaped violently to the side, body almost knocked from the chair.

Steve inhaled a sharp breath and his body tensed, as if he could somehow intervene. His gut cramped as he shook with contempt for the man who was abusing his friend.

The Soldier sat up and blinked rapidly, shocked out of his dissociative state and seemingly confused, brow creased as he spoke, voice soft and tone unsure.  
“There was a man on the bridge…..” He looked down before his blue eyes came back up with intent. “Who was he?” Peirce shifted slightly, obviously realizing that the Soldier’s mind was trying to remember and make a connection with his past.

“You met him earlier this week on another assignment.” Peirce stated flatly as he studied the Soldier’s face with caution. The Asset looked down again and then off to the side with a whispered declaration.

“I knew him.” A simple truth, voiced without defiance but with certainty.

Steve’s eyes grew as he felt the barest hint of a smile twitch his lips, realizing that despite what Rumlow said, Bucky was still alive within the facade of the Winter Soldier, his mind trying to hold onto to Steve.

Peirce pulled up a chair and sat in front of his Asset with a considerate look as The Soldier’s eyes grew larger, gazing down, his expression slightly overwhelmed with the realization that he actually did remember the familiar face of the man from the bridge, and more than that, he knew him.

“Your work has been a gift to mankind….You shaped the Century!” Peirce’s tone was calm and almost proud as he spoke to the distressed Soldier who looked back up at him with questioning eyes over a pout. 

Steve felt something stir in his chest at the expression, knowing Bucky was listening but with skepticism. It was the same expression he gave Steve long ago when he had to patch him up after fights as the hot headed Blond would argue why he had to intervene or stand up for himself instead of backing down.

“…And I need you to do it one more time.” As Peirce spoke, the Soldier looked off to the side, his attention clearly still focused on the puzzle piece of memory, trying to understand.

“Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos,… and tomorrow morning we’re going to give it a push… But if you don’t do your part, I can’t do mine…” Bucky was looking hard off to the side, his breathing escalating slightly before he looked down with a conflicted wince.

“And Hydra can’t give the World the freedom it deserves.” Peirce ended his speech with a pointed look, measuring the Soldier’s reaction.

“But I knew him.” The Soldier gave another pained expression, as if aware that his response would not be received well. Peirce sat back in the chair with an appraising look before he sighed, resigned that his words alone would not be enough to refocus the Soldier on his assigned task.

“Prep him.” The Secretary ordered as he stood up and walked over to the Doctors and technicians who exchanged nervous glances. The Soldier’s expression began to fold, his pout becoming a frown as his eyes looked sad. Steve wanted so badly to reach out and touch his friend’s face, to hold him in his arms and promise him that he was right, that he did know him.

“He’s been out of Cryo-Freeze too long.” The Doctor stated with an anxious breath.

“Then wipe him and start over.” Peirce stated with a callous tone, direct and to the point. The Soldier’s expression had changed from bewildered, to forlorn and then to one of subdued resentment as the two Doctors moved toward him, each placing a hand on his shoulders to shove him back with a bit of force. The Soldier glared straight ahead, not making eye contact as he moved his mouth in reflex and opened up for the rubber bite gard.

Steve stood up straight as he took in a sharp breath, fists clenched tight and eyes growing in realization of what he was about to see. Restraints came down over Bucky’s arms and his head jerked back, chest heaving as he prepared for the pain to follow.

The Captain could not look away, his entire attention fixed on the large projection of Bucky, oblivious to the room of Avenger’s and SHEILD agents who watched him with concern. His own breathing had chocked, before escalating at the sight of the heinous contraption lowering over his friend’s head. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again, obviously aware of exactly what was about to happen to him and unable to control his natural instant to escape.

“Stark,… Turn it off!” Agent Hill warned but it was too late as the machine powered up, blue electric current flickering before the two panels locked over the restrained Soldier’s head and he began to scream, the pain ripping through his throat and filling the conference room. Steve’s jaw had dropped and he was suddenly backing away from the video footage, before looking over his shoulder at Tony who was about to end the video projection.

“How long?!?” The Captain demanded, attention divided between Stark and the screen where his friend writhed in unfathomable pain.

“They do it for 40 second intervals with a two minute break,…. for almost 15 minutes.” Tony breathed out, looking away and then up to the screen with discomfort before meeting Steve’s hard glare.

They all turned back toward the screen as the machine powered down and the Soldier was left panting and gasping, eyes blinking rapidly and body spasming in the restraints. 

“Show me the end.” The Captain demanded, his tone remarkably even despite the turmoil in his blue eyes and the rage coursing through him. Tony nodded in silent compliance, relieved to end the agonized screams that had echoed in the large conference room.

“Jarvis fast forward 15 minutes then play.” Stark ordered hastily with a sigh as they watched Steve stand stoically in front of the muted film, willing himself to bare witness to the painful image of his best friend, a man he loved more than any of them even realized, being tortured by Hydra.

“I said this was a bad idea.” Agent Hill muttered as she cocked an eyebrow at Fury who sighed with an annoyed glare back. Steve heard her words and could feel the awkward tension, people shifting and whispering about what Steve might do, about how he was going to react. In the back of his mind The Captain ordered himself to remain silent and keep his attention on the video, reminding himself that he had to remain calm, level headed and authoritative if he was going to keep the upper hand in the situation. He had to be strong and keep it together in front of SHEILD and the Avengers if they were going to help him save Bucky and as much he hated to admit it, Steve Rodger’s would need their help or at the very least their trust. He couldn’t let them know the truth, the truth about Steve Rodgers and Bucky Barnes, before they were ever the military heroes and legendary historic figures. He couldn’t let them know just how gutted he felt as he watched the image of Bucky’s restrained body convulsing with pain.

As the machine powered down for the last time, the fast forward ended and sound was turned back on. They watched in shared silence as the Winter Soldier lay shaking and panting around the mouth gard in the chair, eyes large and dilated, unfocused. His face twitched and his muscles spasmed, uncoordinated limbs jerking in the restraints as the technicians came up to him with flash lights, manhandling his head roughly to remove the mouth gard before peeling open his eyes as they shined the light and he whimpered between shallow breaths. After only a few hasty seconds of checking his vitals they nodded and Rumlow appeared back on screen stepping forward, a red book with a black star in his hands. Steve’s eyes instantly shot to Rumlow and the book and then back to Bucky as he heard Natasha step forward.

“I know that book,… I’ve seen it before,… in the Red room.” Natasha’s voice sounded strange and almost breathless.

“Nat?” Clint rest a hand on her shoulder in concern, aware that her upbringing in the Red room was a dark and painful childhood she rarely spoken of.

“It’s a manual,… instructions for Handlers of the Asset.” She responded with a small frown as she tilted her head in thought, eyes growing wide as she looked at Hawkeye then to Fury and Hill who watched her reaction. Steve remained focused intently on the screen but listened to what she said, over his shoulder.

“The Asset,… He was the Winter Soldier,… I hadn’t realized,…” Natasha stopped short as she turned her attention back to the screen. “The Sound?” She asked and Tony went to his projector.

The Captain watched with confusion as Rumlow began reading from the red leather book, his words seeming to hit the dazed Winter Soldier with intense force as he gritted his teeth, fists clenching and slacked posture suddenly becoming ridged and arched in his restraints.

“Jay,… what’s with the audio feed on this part of the video?” Stark demanded as they watched the Soldier twist and convulse against his restraints as Rumlow circled him, face showing a level of excitement as he read aloud. 

I am sorry sir the audio on this section of the film has be completely edited out,… I will attempt analysis.  
“What is he saying?” Sam asked out loud as they tried to lip read the few segments of video where Rumlow was facing the camera, leaning behind the Soldier who was crying out, the silence almost worse than with sound. The Black Widow answered with a frown as her eyes narrowed.

“They are just random words, but the sequencing, they could be some form of code to activate his programing.” She replied with a focused tone, watching the interaction with intensity as she took a few steps closer, now right behind Steve to his left.

As the last word was read aloud the Soldier’s body stilled, his panting gone, and face a neutral coldness that seemed completely in control and calm. The sound resumed on it’s own and Rumlow’s image closed the book and spoke with a gruff bark at the quiet man in the chair.

“Soildat?” Rumlow crossed his arms, the other Hydra agents waiting with guns still drawn to see if the magic spell had worked on their unruly Asset.

“Я готов соблюдать.” The Soilder answered with a small nod, eyes straight ahead, a deadly, intent mask sliding over his face as all trace of hesitancy and confusion was gone, erased, wiped away, leaving behind only Hydra’s fist.

“Agent Romanoff?” Fury prompted the Widow with a raised eyebrow, Hill at his side with an appraising look. 

“I am ready to comply.” The Widow answered with a sigh and a look of pained sympathy as she glanced at the back of Steve’s ridged form.

The Video cut out and was replaced by the snickering, distorted face of Rumlow as he winked at the camera.

“Hope you liked it Cap,… Barnes is a good boy, so obedient and willing to please his masters!... All it takes is a few minutes in the chair and some Russian words and then poof… Ready to follow orders!” Rumlow leaned in and his tone turned sinister.

“You see Rodgers,…. Hydra has their tentacles so deep inside your Bucky boy,… there ain’t no coming back,… he’s all mine now,… cuze there are only a few people on this earth still alive that know those magic words, and I know them all by hart!.. all his codes,… And I can make him do whatever the fuck I want,…” Rumlow was grinning like a mad man as he winked at the camera. “Maybe I’ll start making some of my own home movies with the Soldier,… put him down on all fours and take him for a ride…..make damn sure he knows who he belongs to!” Rumlow was laughing as he sat back shaking his head. “You take care now Rodgers,… and I will send you another present real soon!” He smirked again before saluting with his middle finger, the screen going blank. 

The room was silent, all eyes on the Captain who stood motionless but for the small tremor that ran down his spine, head down and eyes closing for a moment, squeezing tight like his balled up fists. His jaw flexed and he took harsh snorting breaths through his noise trying to keep him-self from throwing his shield at the wall in pure impotent rage and anguished frustration. The silence stretched for a moment longer before Sam broke the soundless tension, taking a step toward Steve and speaking as both friend and a seasoned mental health professional who was beginning to understand just how much pain the Captain was accustomed to swallowing down.

“Hey Man,… You okay Steve?” Sam’s question was real and genuine, his compassion and concern not underlined with assessment or judgment, but still, he didn’t understand. Sam was new to working with SHEILD and the Avengers and he didn’t realize what was at stake if the Captain let his guard down, if the authority of Captain America was compromised by the heart ache and desperate fear that Steve Rodgers was drowning in. As if pulled up straight by an invisible string, a force beyond himself, the Captain stood up and turned toward them, expression strained and eyes tight, watery but gaze unwavering as he looked around the room, nodding once at the others and then addressed Director Fury.

“I need a minute, lets re-assemble in an hour to debrief.” His tone was flat, controlled but just barley.

“Captain Rodgers,…” Agent Hill began but was shut down instantly.

“I said…..I…Need…A…Minute!” Steve gritted out beneath eyes that were dangerously close to exposing just how emotionally wrecked he was at that very moment and warning all within the room to give him his space. He glared hard at Hill then Fury before the Director let out a sigh and nodded, stepping out of the way of the door. 

The Captain didn’t hesitate, avoiding the eyes that watched him as he walked straight out the door and down the hall, his breaths matching his steps, even, calm, measured, controlled. He blinked back the tears that brimmed his eyes as he got into the elevator, willing himself to keep his composure even as the doors slid shut and in the silence of his own mind he heard the wailing cries of Bucky Barnes, raw and full of pain. Steve felt his chest growing tight as his body shook with a restless energy, a need for action, a need to find and protect Bucky before,…. before...oh God. 

The elevator doors opened, and he was walking with a quickening pace toward his living quarters, his heart hammering in his chest and his breaths increasing as the screams tore through his mind and his stomach rolled. His hand shook as he punched in his security code and he staggered through the opened door, slamming it shut and gasping for breath as if he was having an asthma attack, lungs burning and eyes flooding with tears as he franticly struggled out of his uniform. He had to get out of the patriotic costume of Captain America, the symbol of strength and honor and freedom. Steve was choking, strangled by the bullshit façade of the perfect Super Soldier, the mask of America’s first hero that he had been trapped in since waking up in a time where that was his only identity. Steve Rodgers, the feisty punk kid from Brooklyn had long been forgotten and was mostly unknown to everyone around him, even those he trusted with his life in battle.  
With an anguished growl he violently through his uniform aside and headed into the bathroom, locking the door and pressing his forehead against it with his eyes shut tight, tears slipping out anyway. He balled up his fist and banged it hard on the reinforced door frame splintering the wood. Steve gritted his teeth as a cry escaped his lips, face contorting in a broken sob of desperate anger as Rumlow’s taunting words twisted with the echo of Buck’s screams. A horrifying image burned bright behind his tears, a sickening picture of Bucky forced to the ground with Rumlow behind him, ready to dominate him with cruel sadism in the most humiliating way. Steve gasped as he turned away falling to his knees in front of the toilet where he vomited, head spinning with the sounds of Bucky’s torment, Rumlows laughter, the smell of the air in the bank vault, the feel of the cold metal Cryo-tank beneath his palm, it was all too much. Steve choked and sputtered and cried as his wrenches turned to shattered sobs. He struggled up and slumped back against the bathroom wall, banging his head over and over as if it would help, as if he could escape the fear and helpless anxiety that Bucky was in danger, had been in danger this whole time, used and abused by people Steve thought he could trust, members of his SHEILD strike team. 

Captain America was stripped away and the Man that was Steve Rogers covered his face, sitting naked on the bathroom floor as he wept for all that was lost. The guilt was suffocating, replacing his anger with despair and grief for letting the one person that he had always counted on, the only one who ever cared about a sickly, scrawny punk kid from Brooklyn, fall through his fingers to a fate that had been far worse than death. But he had to stop, he had to get himself together, be strong for Bucky, his friend needed him. With a few more whimpered sobs and a hushed curse, he wiped his face, shaking his head as he took in a few steading breaths. He forced himself up and into the shower, turning it on cold as if he could numb the pain that was burning him from the inside out. He took another breath and let the freezing water wash over him, shivering and forcing himself to endure it, feeling somehow calmer, the discomfort easing his guilt. His mind focused and his breathing began to even out. If Bucky could survive the hell he was put through, and still find the courage to fight back and break free after years of brainwashing and torture, then Steve could damn well go find him and bring him home. He owed Bucky that, he owed him more then he could ever repay, and all he could offer was his love and protection, a safe place where he could finally rest and possibly heal from 70 years of Hydra. Steve opened his eyes, and grabbed the soap, his earlier break down washed away down the drain. Captain America knew what had to be done, he had his mission objective, now he just had to find Bucky before Rumlow did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes: So that’s the first Chapter! As the story progresses, we will have both Steve and Bucky’s point of view and our Avenger’s family will develop and evolve. I hope y’all enjoyed it and yes there is so much more to come with the promise of a smutty happy ending, but first,…. So much angst and hurt/ comfort!!! Feel free to leave comments.


	2. Love, is a burning thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Hey friends welcome to CH 2. So as I said before we will get lots of different points of few and there will be chapters ahead with just the Winter Soldier until our boys finally come back together. Hang in there because I promise all the loves and hugs will come, just first some more angst. It gets a lot darker before it gets lighter.

Back in the conference room there was a heavy silence left in the Captain’s wake, everyone sharing looks of concern and uncertainty.

“Well that was intense!” Clint sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck and slumped down into a chair.

“We shouldn’t have shown the video to Rodgers,…” Hill shook her head as she rubbed her temple. “We are playing right into Rumlow’s hands.”

“With all due respect mam, … That really is not your call.” Sam challenged and the tension rose.

“Willison, we cannot afford to have the Captain manipulated emotionally by a known enemy agent.” Hill responded with a curt tone.

“No, No,… of course not,….. he should only be manipulated by SHEILD right?” Stark chimed in as he gestured flippantly, pacing slowly. “Oh wait,…SHEILD was Hydra,… hmmm,… guess we can never be too sure who’s really pulling our strings.” Tony mused with a poignant stare.

“Let’s not start throwing rocks,….” Fury held up his hands as he looked from Stark toward Hill then over to Natasha who was staring off to the side in contemplation. “Agent Romanoff… You said you recognized that book,… Was The Winter Soldier an operative of the Soviet Union and Hydra?” The Director questioned. The Widow looked over at them then back out, swallowing once before she spoke.

“I can’t be sure,… I didn’t know who he was,… not even his code name… I only saw him once. “Her tone was distant, and it was obvious she was piecing together her memory. “I was young,… maybe eleven or twelve… We were training, outside at night,… we could only sleep in our beds if we could sneak past the guard dogs and security system,… that was our reward,… but not if we were caught….” She gave a small tight lipped smile that was more of a grimace. Everyone was silent as they listened with full attention, aware of how infrequently the Black Widow spoke of her past.

“An armored vehicle pulled up to the gate, guards came out and there was shouting… I was going to use the distraction to get through,…I was only half listening but,… they were arguing. The men from the van demanded to be let in,… they said they had just recovered the Asset, and they needed to keep him contained until the base in Siberia was finished construction.” She closed her eyes and spoke with somewhat uncertainty as she tried to remember.

“One of the head guards,… he said,… they didn’t have a maintenance chair,… that it had been dismantled and sent to Siberia,.. They said his Cryo-tank was gone too…. There was more arguing and then, … then they opened up the back of the van and pulled out a body,… it was dark,… I couldn’t see him,…. But I could tell he was in restraints, he was screaming,… and it sounded like Russian but,…. The words didn’t make sense,… Like he was insane…They told him to be silent and then they beat him with clubs until he stopped… They dragged him inside and I ,… I had gotten close,… I slipped in before the gate could close and I saw the…..the blood in the snow…. I remember thinking,… this is what happens when an Asset goes rouge,… This is why I can’t run,…they would find me.” She looked up from her daze and blinked as she looked away again, her cheeks flushing slightly as she realized she had shared more then she had to about the memory, slightly irritated that she had disclosed so much of her own mind state.

“You didn’t see him again?” Hill asked, her tone only slightly less forceful then normally. Natasha shook her head, swollwed and crossed her arms, looking hard at the ground and shifting her weight slightly before she spoke again

“We heard his screams,… the next few days, they,… the Red Room instructors, they Informed us that the Red Room had trained an Asset for another organization, and that he had become a coward and a traitor,… that he ran away from his responsibility and abandoned a mission… He was going to be punished and then sent to a new facility to be re-educated… They didn’t let us see him,… but,… they wanted us to hear him,… his screams,…He was begging,…in English.” Natasha chocked on her words, shaking her head as she blinked again before looking back up.

“I saw the man who came to get him,… he had that book,…. Red with a black Star… He told our Instructor that the Asset would be given new codes to reinforce his programing and that the Handlers responsible for his malfunction had been dealt with.” She concluded with a small sigh, her mask of neutrality back in place.  
Clint watched his partner with concern, and she gave him a small nod that she was okay. Sam looked at the two SHIELD operatives then over to the quiet, reserved expression on Fury’s frowning face as he looked at Hill who was considering the intel. Sam shook his head in slight disbelief at just of emotionally jaded and mission focused those around him were, while recognizing that it was likely a defensive mechanism for combat agents who were use to dealing with some of the worst forms of humanity. Sam looked back over toward the Doctor who seemed anxious and uncomfortable, then to Stark who was looking down at the projector with his own preoccupied thoughts. He looked back once more at Bruce and the two shared a moment of recognition at just how heavy these new revelations were and what they could mean for the team before he heard Hill’s input to the Director.

“Whoever knows those codes has a level of control over the Winter Soldier,… we need to locate Rumlow and secure that information.” Hill spoke with calm authority and Fury nodded in shared thought.

“What about Sergent Barnes?” Sam asked, crossing his arms with an eyebrow raised.

“Until we have a means of controlling The Winter Soldier he is considered a threat, and his apprehension would less likely result in casualties if we can activate his programing.” Hill responded.

“That is assuming the code words will work without use of the Maintenance Chair.” Fury interjected.

“We have the one from the Bank vault in secure storage, Stark could have it prepped before we bring the Soldier in.” Hill added.

“WHAT!?” Sam dropped his arms in disbelief as Pepper shook her head fiercely. Tony Jerked up at the sound of Sam’s harsh bark and looked around then over to Bruce who was shaking his head and rubbing his temples.

“Uh, yea,…. I second the Falcon here…..What?.... Are you actually suggesting that I help you get a Hydra brain blender machine up and running so you can use it on Captain America’s best pal?... Repurpose Hydra’s favorite Asset so he becomes SHEILD’s dog on a leash instead? “Tony’s voice held venom as he shook his head and looked over at Natasha and Clint.

“How the hell can you work for these sadists?” Ironman demanded as he pointed at Fury and Hill. Natasha rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips as Clint shook his head and scoff.

“Oh yea,… that’s rich coming from the Weapons profiteer who’s own father was a founding member of SHEILD!” Barton shot back.

“Hey, Tony didn’t know anything about SHEILD until they wanted him to!” Bruce defended his friend and turned back to Fury.

“And this is exactly why I was on the run for so long,…. Because I knew what you people were capable of,… I knew that you would have no problem just locking me up until something needed to be smashed!” Banner exclaimed as he shook his head at the Director and his second in command.

“Dr. Banner,…I told you when I came for you in India that SHEILD had been running interference to keep you protected from all the other agencies interested in the Hulk…” Natasha offered before Tony interrupted with a brittle laugh.

“Yea,… and that’s why SHEILD just happened to have a specialized cage designed to be HULK proof on board that Helicarrier!” Ironman fired at the Redhead who glared daggers at him. She opened her mouth to reply but Agent Hill stepped in front of Stark with a commanding presence.

“SHEILD’s purpose is to keep the world safe,… protecting people is not just responding to violence and destruction as they occur,… We also monitor and asses potential threats to humanity so we can be prepared to intervein before the crisis happens in the first place!” Hill spoke with a cool, even tone, making no apologies.   
“Well, I’ll tell you one thing I know for certain Mam,….. If you try to put Sergeant Barnes back into one of those chairs,…. I think I know another Super Soldier who would most definitely become a Violent and very Destructive Crisis.” Sam stated simply as he studied her and Fury with extreme prejudice, feeling disgusted at how callously they spoke of torturing a man to gain control over him. 

“And that is precisely why this situation with Rodgers needs to be handled very carefully.” Fury’s tone was a warning as he looked at those gathered, walking into the middle of the room with his hands behind his back.

“We have all seen Captain Rodgers during active combat…” He walked around making eye contact with each person. 

“This man has no sense of self preservation,… no concern for what pain he experiences or injuries he sustains as long as he gets the job done…” He turned and looked at Natasha. “You did his Psychological assessment Agent Romanoff,... You said his sense of detachment from living in a new time without significant social supports could very well be a factor in his risk taking and self-endangering behaviors on missions.” 

Fury gestured at Natasha who nodded in confirmation before exchanging a look with Sam. They had both spoken about it in private when considering how best to help the Captain who had become noticeably more depressed the longer he was unable to find the MIA Winter Soldier. The Widow had been tasked by Fury after the Chitauri Invasion to work alongside Captain Rogers and try to be a friendly support while assessing his mental health and stability on missions. She had been not so subtly trying to encourage him to get out and build a life in the new century with little success.

“This is a man that tried to jump on a live grenade during boot camp to save those around him,…. And that was before he even had the Serum!” Fury laughed as he threw his hands up. “And then if you add in his…. devotion to Barnes…” Fury paused, considering his words. There had always been speculation within SHEILD regarding the true nature of Captain America’s “friendship” with Sergeant James Buchannan Barnes but Peggy and Howard had never confirmed or denied the rumors and the Howling Commando’s similarly treated the questions with deflective statements about respecting their friend’s privacy but never outright claimed the idea as a falsehood.

“The official report of the rescue operation Captain Rogers initiated in Arezzo Italy during the War, was that he went in on a solo, stealth mission sanctioned by the SSR to recovery Hydra Intel and liberate any surviving POW troops.” Fury shook his head with a discerning frown.

“The truth is Captain America was just over there with a bunch of Corus girls to entertain the troops. When Agent Carter told him the 107th had been captured, Rodgers demanded Colonel Phillips tell him about one man,… Sergeant Barnes….. And when he found out there would be no planed rescue…” Fury lifted his hands in a shrug. “Rodgers and Carter convinced your father to fly him behind enemy lines so he could storm an entire Hydra weapons facility… by himself… just on the possible chance that Barnes was still alive.” Fury pointed at Stark and then looked around again. “The fact that he got intel and freed the other POW’s was just collateral.” The Avengers reacted with thoughtful consideration and slight surprise at the alternative version of the story most had learned as children in history class.

“And when Barnes fell from that train,… The Captain went AWOL for over 42 hours before Agent Carter found him in a bombed out bar drinking… She said that the guilt had crushed him…..that he was a different man after that,… more ruthless in fighting and quiet outside of tactical meetings, withdrawing from the Howling Commandos.” Fury paused in thought, considering how much information he was willing to disclose. With a sigh he looked up at the others and over to Sam, who he knew was one of the few people Steve had met unconnected to SHEILD and therefore was more trusted by the Captain. He also knew that as a VA counselor Sam would understand why SHEILD was so concerned with the Captains ability to make rational decisions.

“Captain America crashed his plan into the Artic to save the World,… but Steve Rodgers chose not to use the escape parachute,… and he deliberately disabled the tracker within the plane…” He nodded as Sam’s brow furled and then looked at the others who shifted in growing thought, recognizing the implication.   
“Captain Rogers let himself die because he believed Barnes was gone… And now …. 70 years in the future, he dropped his Shield and refused to fight,…. Was willing to die again,… for Barnes…” Fury sighed and looked down at the floor then back up at those watching him with pensive consideration.

“When it comes to making rational decisions,… I’m afraid history has proven that Cap’s judgment is impaired when it comes to his pal Bucky.” The Director sighed again and then looked up. 

There was a collective silence as they considered what the Director told them, the truth behind the myth of America’s perfect Soldier. Sam wiped his face and took a breath. He didn’t know the people in the room all that well, having just met Natasha and Steve three long, hectic months before, but he knew that Steve needed back up not just in the field but also in dealing with the trauma of his life since waking up in the 21st century and honestly, probably from before that. It struck the VA counselor how differently he viewed this situation then the SHEILD operatives, understanding that Steve needed support right now, not condemnation because he was in pain and his role as Captain America was compromised. He shook his head and let out a small frustrated huff, gaining their attention. He looked at Fury with a challenging glare.

“Alright,… I may be the new guy here, but I know one thing for damn sure…This is why,…” He crossed his arms over his chest and sighed heavily. “This is why Steve’s so closed up,… why he is trying so hard to keep from feeling this shit…” He looked at them all with an eyebrow cocked. 

“I have only known this guy a few short months and for the life of me I didn’t know why he was so unwilling to say how he really felt,... Every time he started to open up for even a second he just shakes his head and shrugs like,… his job as Captain America is more important then who he is behind that damn shield.” He looked directly at Fury.

“You brought him back from the dead,… knowing that he basically committed suicide,… that he was in that kind of mind set, everything and everyone he knew gone,…” Sam shook his head, eyes holding Fury and Hill accountable. “And then you just sent him back out there…Told him the world needs him to fight the good fight?.” Sam was feeling himself getting angrier the more he thought about it.

“We had our Psychiatric staff trying to work with him Wilson but he was uncooperative.” Hill defended, her tone incredulous.

“Well honesty and openness goes two ways and from the sound of it SHEILD hasn’t exactly been great at building trust.” This time Dr. Banner interjected, understanding in many ways Steve’s suspicion and unwillingness to disclose to the Big brother agency.

“I gotta agree with the good Doctor on that one! Setting Rodgers up in that fake 40’s style hospital room when he first woke up was stupid!” Hawk Eye shook his head, “Who’s call was that anyway?” Barton asked as he crossed his arms leaning back in the chair.

“Sitwell,…His Psych department believed that manipulating the environment would keep him calm and easier to handle… They turned out to be mostly Hydra,… probably some of the same Doctors involved in the Winter Soldier project.” Natasha answered with her own sigh.

“Look,… the way I’m seeing this,… Cap is going to do whatever it takes to get Barnes back,…” Sam looked at all those around him with his hands on his hips. “We can either have his back, help him track down the Soldier or he goes rouge and tries to handle this shit on his own… I get that you don’t want Captain America to get upset and become irrational…but treating him like he has to be calm, cool and under control all the time is complete bullshit!... If you are worried about his mental health then you gotta let him know that it’s okay to not be okay,… “ He looked at Hill and Fury who listened with expectant stares. “Steve Rodgers is a real person, but you have him playing the role of Captain God Damn America 24- 7… He has to trust that he can let his guard down and be real with us.” 

“Wilson,…Last time Rogers let his guard down the Winter Soldier beat him until his skull was fractured!...We can’t just ignore the very real threat that his emotional connection to Barnes poses,… especially if Rumlow has knowledge of codes that can control him… What if he gets the order to Kill Captain America and this time he doesn’t stop…” Maria explained with eyes that communicated just how seriously she consider that possibly threat.

“Then we make sure Cap doesn’t do this on his own,… provide him with the backup and support he is gonna need to bring Barnes in safely and then help him recover,…” Sam nodded at them. “Steve is strong and resilient as hell,… but right now he needs us,… he needs friends, not just teammates,… people that won’t judge him or try to keep him from doing what he needs to do….” Sam looked up at the blank projector screen then away with thought.

“I don’t know what Steve is going through,… having his best friend come back from the dead, brainwashed by his worst enemy and sent to kill him,… and then feeling responsible for that happening in the first place. “ Sam whistled low and shook his head.

“What I do know is Steve is suffering right now,… but he is putting on a brave face so he can be Captain America because he thinks that’s the only way anyone will listen to him… We need to let Steve know that it’s okay to be stumbling after this sucker punch,… and that we’ll help get him back on his feet and carrier him for a while if he needs it.” Sam concluded with an expectant nod. There were a few nods and thoughtful shifts.

“If Barnes is apprehended,… what security measures will be taken to ensure he will not pose a threat to civilians?” Fury asked with skepticism, still sore from his multiple bullet wounds. Unlike Captain America, he did not heal completely, and the Doctors said he would always have some minor aches and complications from the internal injuries he suffered.

“We can build him a recovery wing at the tower,…Right Miss Pots?” Tony offered a smile beneath a falsely innocent look. Pepper gave him an incredulous look back, jaw dropped before she rolled her eyes and shrugged with a nod and small exasperated smile. 

“I suppose that means the Avenger’s gift shop and museum tours will be put back on hold….again….. let me make a few calls!” Pepper conceded, recognizing the importance of providing the Sergeant a safe and secure location that could also be monitored and prevent him from getting away if things went wrong.

“Great!.....Jarvis will monitor the situation and I can probably put a tracker in his arm.” Tony shrugged as if it was a simple and easy fix to a complicated situation. Despite his casual and light hearted response, Stark was reflective as he considered his own turbulent relationship with the Captain since first meeting him. He had hardly been what could be considered a friend to the man his father had spoken of so fondly with a respect and reverence that had made Tony undeniably jealous of such admiration. He looked over at Bruce with another shrug, hands in his pockets.

“What do you say Incredible Banner?... Feel like playing Doctor to a severely messed up, lethal Assassin with a metal arm and trigger words?” Tony beamed at Bruce who sighed as he pinched his noise.

“I guess,… I mean,…If he needs medical attention,… I mean he is obviously going to need medical attention but, ah,…. What about his mental health,…Because I definitely have my own cute version of PTSD, but that doesn’t mean I am an expert.” Bruce asked out loud as he shrugged.

“Stark Industries has an expansive Psychiatric team and medical staff on hand that we deploy to different international crisis around the world to provide aid and relief work in war zones and refugee camps, they have all had back ground checks but we will contact the ones who have the most relevant experience and specialties and make sure they have been rescreened before bringing them on board.” Pepper explained to Bruce and the others with a confident nod, feeling a growing sense of certainty that this was the right thing to do not just for Captain America but for Sergeant Barnes as well, two legendary hero’s she had grown up admiring just like all the other children of her generation.

“And Sam will be there to help keep The Captain calm even if Barnes goes Psyco, right Falcon?” Ironman beamed and Sam sighed with a grim nod. If he started this rally to support Steve he should follow through with it.

“Agent Romanoff,…Barton,… would you be willing to provide supervision of the situation and report on developments as they occur?” Maria Hill questioned with a steady look. Both the SHEILD agents looked at one another and then up with a nod and shrug.

“I could use some time out of the field,… and I heard Stark’s tower is almost as nice as staying at TRUMP Tower!” Hawkeye snickered and Stark flicked him off.  
“My tower is tremendous thank you Barton,…Everybody says it’s the best.” Stark mocked the supposed New York billionaire and Natasha rolled her eyes again.  
“I have already been keeping an eye on Stark since he took on this whole superhero thing,… and I’ve been getting use to Rodger’s man out of time, earnest Boyscot routine so I guess it wouldn’t be a total drag spending some more time at the tower,… Plus I finally get to hang out with Dr. Banner,… something tells me he might be an interesting man to get to know better!” Natasha mused and gave him a soft smile that he instantly blushed and became awkward after.

“What’s in this for you Stark?” Fury question, head tilted as he watched the man’s deliberately nonchalant body language as he focused on his stark tablet.  
“Me?....What?....I can’t be altruistic and thoughtful?…its like you don’t know me at all!....” Tony smiled with pretense before he sighed, pacing the room with hands in his pockets. He looked up after another long pause, his normally playful demeaner subdued as he locked eyes with Pepper who looked up from taking notes on her stark tablet of all the various promises they had just made in agreeing to help rehabilitate the Winter Soldier.

“Honesty is what we are going for, right?... Guard down and all that….” Tony looked at Sam who gave him a nod to which he replied with a casual shrug.  
“Look, a lot about Captain goody tissues rubs me the wrong way,… and I haven’t always been his biggest fan,…. And definitely not a “friend,” Tony made the quotations with his fingers. “I just felt like he was so one dimensional,… all do the right thing no matter what, brush your teeth and never curse in front of a lady and bla,bla,bla….” Stark smirked and shrugged again thinking about the old 1940’s propaganda films they watched in school. “But,… I remember Rode’s face when he found me out in the desert,… The look he gave me,… I swear he was crying,…. He’ll deny it,… But I saw it,… Either way,… Steve’s face,…the way he looked the moment Barnes said he knew him on the screen,… That was the same face,… same disbelieving, hopeful, miracles do happen expression,… only after he had to watch his Bucky Bear get tortured and then have a melted face manic brag about wanting to rape him….” Tony’s expression hardened and he looked away with a shake of his head and a visible shudder.

“Steven Rodgers is a good man and by all accounts so was Sergeant Barnes,…If I got to have my second chance,… so should he.” Tony nodded to himself. And Sam gave him a steady, appraising look. Despite their faults, these people could prove to be the support network needed to help Steve get through this ordeal and maybe, just maybe save a lost Soldier who forgot he was really a Sergeant.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

One hour later Captain America re-entered the conference room, with a calm but serious mask of authority firmly in place. He nodded at the gathered people in the room who had been in small side conversations that died as he arrived. 

“Captain,” Fury acknowledged nodding toward the conference table as they all took their seats, a nervous tension in the air. Steve sat at the head, dressed in a different clean uniform, shield on his back as if he was going back out into battle and they could tell that was exactly how he felt. He looked at them each in their eyes and then to Fury.

“Sergeant Barnes is my top priority,… locating him and keeping him safe from Hydra is the only mission I will be going on until he is found… I will not allow SHEILD or any other international or domestic agency to take him into custody,… He will remain with me indefinitely no matter what condition I find him in…” He paused and looked around at the respectfully silent faces, waiting to hear the objections and push back. He was met with silence and so he nodded once, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

“Have I made myself clear?” he asked with a hint of threat in his voice and Hill fixed him with a look before the Director spoke.

“Alright Cap,… SHEILD is going to focus our efforts in locating Rumlow and securing the book of the Winter Soldier’s programed codes… While we gather intel we will keep you informed of any possible leads we uncover about Barnes.” Fury offered then nodded at Stark who turned toward Steve with a look more genuine than the Captain was use to.

“The Avengers will help you track down your missing Bucky,… I already have Jarvis running facial recognition software on all hackable security cameras world wide.”He nodded at Steve’s surprised expression, clearly taken off guard by the lack of opposition and the offer of assistance. “And once we find your good old pal we can bring him back to the Tower in New York and I will have a secured recovery wing fully staffed and ready to help de-program and un-Hydra the Sergeant… You can move in too of course and the whole gang agreed to help out… we got Dr. Banner on board and Wilson as well as our very own pair of SHEILD babysitters that will make sure things are going smoothly.” Tony gestured toward Natasha and Clint who smirked but offered Steve serious nods and looks of reassurance. There was a long stretch of silence as Steve looked around the gathered faces with a pensive frown, clearly uncertain if they were being honest or just trying to placate him for some alternative purpose. He looked down at the table in thought then back up with a shake of his head.

“Why?” He asked simply, looking around with confusion. “Why would you help us?” He asked quietly, clearly already thinking in terms of himself and Barnes together against the world. It was Sam sitting on his right that reached out and rest a hand on his shoulder.

“Because man,… that’s what friends do,… and any friend of yours is a friend worth saving.” Sam nodded and the Captain blinked a few times as he let those words sink in. He sighed heavily and his tensed postured went slack, a small smile gracing his lips at he fixed Sam and then the others with a nod. He folded his hands on the table, staring down before he spoke again, gazing up with uncertainty and appreciation.

“Thank you,… all of you!… I know,… I know he’s dangerous and,… probably unstable,… but he’s also strong,… he’s a survivor and… he pulled me from the river,… we saw his foot prints!” Steve looked pointedly at Fury and Hill, knowing that they were likely still the most hesitant about weather Bucky could be saved and rehabilitated.

“I know what Hydra did to him,… what was written down at least,… and despite everything he’s been through,… despite how hard they tried to erase Bucky completely,… he’s still in there,… he remembered me.” Steve looked back down, and his lips twitched into a small, shy smile before his eyes crumbled slightly and he shook his head with a frown, thinking about the video they had all just watched.

“Who was he to you Steve?” Natasha asked with a soft and thoughtful tone, a question that sounded innocent but could be taken in different ways. Like the rest of upper level SHEILD personnel, she had heard the rumors about the Captain and the Sergeant. However, Steve had once admitted to her that he had planned to marry Agent Carter after the war, so she wasn’t entirely sure what to think but was open minded.

Steve looked up at her with a deepening frown and then looked away blinking rapidly as he cleared his throat and looked back down at the table, fidgeting with his hands, an obvious tell. Fury and Hill both watched the Captain and then exchanged looks with Natasha and Barton, the archer raising both eyebrows with a curious expression. Sam, Stark and Bruce all looked at the others with obvious confusion at their knowing expressions. Steve looked back up with his same old half smile beneath sad eyes as he just shrugged.

“He was,…. He still is,… my best friend,… the brother I never had.” Steve offered his words spoken with sincerity but still there was something missing, a truth he was not naming, and Natasha had a pretty reasonable suspicion.

“You loved him.” She said simply and his blue eyes shot to hers with a slightly uncertain, nervous look before he swallowed and nodded, looking away again.  
“Well… yea,… I mean I’ve known him all my life,… before I was Captain America, when we were just a couple of kids from Brooklyn,… he was my only real friend… and,… after my ma died,… he was the only one that gave a damn about me.” Steve answered with a sigh, glaring down at the table and willing himself to think about the here and now and not get lost in reminiscing about the past.

“Steve,… he was more then a brother to you,… wasn’t he?” Natasha asked again, partially feeling bad for outing Captain America in front of their teammates but also believing that if they were going to help the two time lost Super Soldiers then all cards had to be on the table so they knew what might to be expected.  
Steve shot her a glare as his jaw tensed and his face blushed bright red. He studied her open expression then looked at each of the others, trying to analyze what was happening and if he was being ambushed.

“I don’t,… I am not sure what you are getting at Natsha.” He lied as he defiantly met her knowing gaze. Sam looked at Natasha and then Fury and Hill who were exchanging looks of confirmation. Clint covered his mouth, a smile behind it with large eyes while Bruce’s jaw opened slightly and Tony sat back in his chair with a surprised whistle. Steve shot his eyes toward Tony then glared at the others.

“Look,… it doesn’t matter who Sergeant Barnes was to me,… all that matters is that he is a good man, a war hero that deserves your respect and admiration!” Steve used his Captain voice as he tried not to sound defensive but he could tell by they way they were looking at him that there was no going back. Steve could see in his teammates eyes the sudden realization of a truth that he had no words to deny, not when his heart was bleeding with anguish. After a moment he huffed an indignant growl and pushed away from the table and walked away crossing his arms as he pinched the bridge of his noise.

“OMG,… I did not see that coming!” Stark remarked with disbelief as he looked over at Banner who shook his head in surprise and slight bewilderment.  
There was a moment of silence as they all looked to one another in mutual understanding. Sam nodded at them, as if saying ‘this is it, this is the moment we get him to let us in and drop his guard’. The Falcon stood up and took a few steps forward.

“Steve,… Hey,… it’s okay,… whatever your relationship with Barnes was,…and however you feel about him now,… it’s okay,… but it does matter.” Sam offered with a non-judgmental tone, remaining a few steps back as he waited for Steve to turn around and respond. The Captain had a silent tremor run down his spine before he let out a heavy, wet sigh, shaking his head as he rubbed his tired eyes, only half glancing over his shoulder.

“Oh Yea,… you telling me its okay if Captain America was a Queer,… If Bucky wasn’t just my brother in arms,… my best friend,…” Steve gave a bitter huff and shook his head again cursing under his breath.

“I am saying it’s okay if Steven Grant Rodgers loved James Buchanan Barnes, and if that love was a partnership that went beyond brothers.” Sam let out his own sigh, a small smile on his face, eyes kind and expression fond as he shook his head “Steve, we live in a new Century man,… love is love… and that’s really all that matters.” Sam spoke with a calm certainty that forced the Captain to turn around with a look of anger and pain and fear and skepticism. He flared his nostrils and shook his head again looking off to the side before meeting the other’s eyes with a challenging expression, as if daring them to say something he could fight against.

Natasha stood up and walked toward him with a softness she rarely showed anyone. Despite her gentle body language Steve still shook his head and took a few steps back, his breathing slightly escalated, fists clenched at his side.

“You don’t know,… you don’t understand,… we,… we couldn’t,… there was no way,… it wasn’t,…” Steve continued to stammer.  
“Hey man it’s alright.” Sam tried to reassure but Steve was breathing fast as he shook his head fiercely.

“NO IT’S NOT!..... This is none of your business,… my life,… who I was before the Serum,… You don’t get it,… no one ever did,…..Only Bucky!... He was all I had,… he was the only one that cared if little Stevie Rodgers would live through the winter or die Pneumonia!” Steve’s face was hot and his eyes wet, angry and filled with resentment. He was mad as hell but it wasn’t at them,… it was at fates cruelty,… the fact that he had been made into a hero only to fail to save the one person who had always been his own personal hero.

“Steve,… You don’t have to explain it to us,… we aren’t gonna judge you.” Sam promised as Natasha approached slowly with a kind smile.

“All this time,… I have been trying to set you up on dates with women,…” Natasha shook her head with a shrug. He glared at her and then scoff.

“Nat,…that’s not,… I like dames just fine okay,… I meant it when I told you I was gonna marry Peggie,… and Bucky, he was gonna find a nice French girl,… he loved their accents…” Steve offered with a defeated sigh, knowing that despite the fact he was telling the truth, the hidden nature of his feelings for Bucky had been exposed. He took a few deep breaths and hung his head as he knew it was too late to deny how he felt about Bucky Barnes.

“Sure,… You can be attracted to women,… that doesn’t mean you can’t be attracted to men too.” Sam suggested. Steve looked back up at him slowly with sad eyes and a bitter smile, swallowing before he looked away again, clearly not sure what he wanted to say, how he should respond. The charade was up and there was a part of him that wanted to shout out loud his heart ache right then and there. He covered his face with both hands and let out an exhausted, humorless laugh before finally looking back up again, eyes staring at the faces around him, considering if he was going to admit out loud his deepest most guarded secret, the truth of his heart that with each beat reminded him just how much he loved and missed Bucky. He thought about what they said, about friendship and how they were willing to help him save Bucky. He swallowed again and let out another sigh before he spoke, eyes once more off to the side.

“I’m not attracted to other men,… there was never anyone else,… Only Bucky.” He looked up as Natasha took his hand, rubbing his knuckles with her thumb. She nodded with a look of understanding and pulled him back toward his chair as Sam patting his shoulder. He dropped down into his seat as if the weight of his confession only made him feel heavier, leaning forward in his chair, eyes wet as he stared at his folded hands on the table top.

“And Barnes?... How did he feel?” Clint asked with genuine interest and no hint of judgment. The Captain spared him a considerate glance then blinked again and looked down, brow furled as he thought about what he was willing to say, how much of himself he should expose and weather he needed to protect Bucky, if not in person then at least his name and reputation. He shrugged as he acknowledged that everyone they both would have wanted to keep their relationship a secret from were long dead and that thought offered for the first time a small sense of relief instead of sorrow.

“I think,… For Bucky,…it was hard… it was hard for him to deal with,… his feelings,… he was better then I am at covering them up, at showing people what they wanted to see.” Steve sighed as his gaze went distant for a moment, lost in thought before he shook his head again and swallowed, not raising his eyes as he began to speak.

“Bucky and I were both raised Irish Catholic,… we knew that what we were doing was a sin,… but even so,… it wasn’t like we really talked about things,… it just sort of,… I don’t know, it just happened.:. and afterward we would never acknowledged it.” Steve sighed as if still struggling to understand it himself.  
“So You and Barnes,… were on like,… the down low,… like secret boyfriends,… The OG Don’t ask Don’t tell.” Stark mused and Steve frowned, still looking only at his hands on the table.

“We weren’t… Boyfriends,… it’s not like we could go on dates just the two of us,… and Bucky always had a girl on his arm.” Steve sighed and closed his eyes.  
“It’s…its complicated okay,… what Bucky and I had,… it was just between us, and honestly,… I think it scared us both,… at least before the war.” Steve was pensive as he thought back to a time so long ago it was another life. He had never talked about this, any of this and it was terrifying but also liberating at the same time.  
“We didn’t really understand how we felt about each other, we were just….. it only happened when we both got drunk.” Steve’s voice faltered as he blinked again hard and blushed, feeling embarrassed and not at all comfortable talking about his intimate life. No one interrupted and Steve looked away slightly as he shrugged again, jaw locked tight.

“You said it scared you before the War?” Bruce asked softly and Steve briefly looked his way before dropping his eyes with a short nod. There was a long pause, the silence deafening before Steve gave another heavy sigh, speaking with a resigned tone. He was never good at lying and at this point he had said too much, so he couldn’t find a reason to censor himself any longer.

“Things went too far one night… and Bucky,… He wouldn’t talk to me for weeks… And then one day I was getting beat up in an alley and there he was,… like he always was… and he just acted like nothing had happened. Se we didn’t talk about it,… that’s just kind of how things were between us,… we didn’t really need to talk to understand each other.” Steve contemplated with a thoughtful nod.

“And during the War?” Sam asked with open body language and a comforting look. Steve looked up and shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his embarrassed blush had not faded and his eyes were still wet as he looked hard off to the side.

“During the War,… we knew we could be dead at any moment… And when I found him on that table,…” Steve shook his head with a shuddered sigh, crossing his arms, jaw clenched. He closed his eyes and they could tell he was shutting down so Sam reached forward again and squeezed his shoulder.

“Common Man,…You’ve been carrying all this around for so long,… just let it out,… no one here is gonna judge you,… It’s okay to feel Steve,… it doesn’t make you weak or any less brave alright?” Sam reassured and as Steve opened his eyes a tear slipped out as he looked up at his friend and his other teammates and SHEILD personnel who offered nods, even Stark keeping his mouth shut as he realized this was incredibly difficult for the always conservative and private Captain. Steve wiped his face and looked back down, fidgeting with his hands before he spoke with a tone that was scared and full of pain.

“I… I thought he was dead,… but I just couldn’t believe it,… I wouldn’t… unless I found out for myself…And when I found him,… he was strapped to this table,… surrounded by machines and needles,… God I should have known… I should have realized what Zola had done to him,… but whenever I asked him he would get upset and say he didn’t know,… would beg me to leave him alone and,… I didn’t want to push him away,… I needed him,… I was selfish,… I should have sent him home but instead I asked him to join me, to help me recruit his best men for the Howling Commando’s.” Steve sighed as his guilt settled and he looked almost shattered.

“And…I,….I just told myself that as much as I needed him,… needed the guy who knew the real me before the super soldier serum,… I think he might’ve needed me too… He was different after I got him back,… smiled less,… drank more,…would get lost in thought,…” Steve looked up at Sam and the others. “We didn’t know what PTSD was back then,… but Bucky had it,… had nightmares…” He looked back down and swallowed. “At night,… when it was just the two of us,… we needed each other… we still didn’t talk about it,… but we didn’t pretend it was nothing,… we didn’t need to be drunk anymore,… we just… we let things happen,…took comfort in each other,… knew that no matter what terrible things we experienced during the war,… the concentration camps,… the starving prisoners,… the gas chambers,….” Steve’s face was twisted in remembered pain and disgust. He shook his head again and continued to speak. “We had each other,… we could make each other feel good,… feel safe,…and,…loved.” His last word was almost a whisper, his shoulders hunch and head down, looking so defeated that it almost broke their hearts. 

Sam leaned forward and put his hand on Steve’s neck, pressing his head to the Captain’s as Steve covered his wet eyes with his hand. Natasha stood and circled around him, wrapping her arms around him from behind in a hug. Bruce stood up and crouched down on his left, speaking with a gentle reassurance.  
“We will find him Steve,…we’ll get him back,… and help him feel safe and loved again… you both deserve that!” Banner promised and Steve looked up at him with wet eyes and a sad smile.

“We got your back Cap,… You and Barnes sacrificed enough for other people,… it’s only fair we help bring him in.” Clint spoke with an earnest nod.

“We will bring him home.” Tony added and the look he gave Steve was so sincere that Steve felt himself smile and nod with gratitude even as another tear slipped down his cheek. Fury looked at Hill and the two shared a look of confirmation, understanding that SHEILD would have to give them space but also stay vigilant incase Barnes really was nothing more than the obedient Asset, a killing machine who could single handedly destroy the Avengers. There was work to be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes: Ok, so big reveal! When I edited this Chapter I realized my first version had Steve too awkward and emotionally vulnerable. This is still Captain Freakin America after all, so I tried to dial back the waterworks and give him that righteous defiance. Hope it felt realistic.


	3. The Hunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: You have entered Chapter 3. Welcome to The Hunt.  
> Warning: Hate language that is offensive and derogatory toward LGBTQ. This is to reflect Rumlow’s mindset and IN NO WAY supporting bigotry or the use of such terminology.  
> Warning: Blood, depictions of death and violence. References to Torture and threats of Sexual violence.  
> This is the opposite of Fluff.

The Asset had a mission. The mission kept him focused. The mission helped guide him through the hectic whirl wind of random thoughts, disjointed memories and crippling emotions that he had trouble deciphering. The Asset had a mission, and despite his rapidly deteriorating physical integrity and disturbing tendency to black out for prolonged periods, the Asset was meeting his mission objective one decimated Hydra base at a time. 

The Asset, code name Winter Soldier, was defecting from Hydra and was going to return to his rightful Handler Steven Grant Rodgers, AKA Captain America. After doing some research at a public library in Reno Nevada, his first stop after waking up at a bus station one day, the Soldier had determined that Captain Rodgers was currently an active member of the Avengers and had been doing special opts for SHIELD. The Asset did not trust SHIELD because SHIELD was the face of Hydra, and Hydra had agents like Rumlow and Rollins who had been on his strike team as well as The Captain’s. The Asset reasoned Captain America most likely did not know that Hydra had infiltrated SHIELD because he fought against Hydra during WWII with Sergent James Buchannan Barnes. That was the code name given to the Asset when he was following the Captain’s orders during active combat. But there was another name,… a name no one but the Captain called him… except for a nice lady and little girl who both had his same blue eyes. They called him Bucky.

The Asset avoids detection, aware that it is only a matter of time until Sheild will take notice of the seemingly unrelated cases of arson, flooding, and building collapses of what appeared to be vacant factories and mills around North America. They would soon discover the elaborate underground bunkers and the countless corpses of Hydra personnel he was leaving behind in the secret bases. He thinks that SHEILD will want to detain him, to reprogram him to be their Asset. He also thinks that Steve Rogers may not trust SHIELD either since they were hiding the many headed beast of Hydra. It makes The Asset feel closer to the Captain, knowing that they had both worked alongside the same double agents and now want to kill them. It almost makes him smile.

The Soldier blinked back into the present, staring at the wall smeared with blood, then down to the knife in his hand. He shook his distracted mind, whipping the blade against his paint leg, combat gear filthy and chafing his skin. He walked over the dead lab coats all splattered in each others blood, a gruesome sight that did not startle him despite no memory of where he currently was. Without further hesitation he plugged in a fresh zip drive and stood quietly typing at the main hub of the unground base, eyes scanning the files as he hastily uploaded all the intel he could get his hands on. He was in Moundsville, West Virginia…and this was the ….8th?.... No,…9th base he had destroyed since the day he first saw his face in the museum exhibit and had learned about his former identity. He turned abruptly at the gurgling sound of a dying technician, still choking on his own blood, slumped over his colleges who were piled on top of each other in their attempt to escape out the emergency room hatch. The Soldier observed the dying man without interest and then turned back to the computer in front of him. He looked down at his bloody hand as it shook, spots in his vision and a pounding head ach meant he was in need of hydration and nutrition. He grunted in mild irritation as he pulled the flash drive out and put it away in a secure pocket.

Time to go find substance so that he could continue on. He walked into another room and glared at the maintenance chair, fists clenched as he deliberately walked around it, sticking to the perimeter of the room. He shook his head and tried to breath, finding it difficult as his chest grew tight and his body shook. He was beginning to recognize these symptoms where a direct result of his feelings toward the chair whenever he saw one at a base. He gritted his teeth and went over to the locked cabinets, pulling them open with force as he found his nutritional supplements, bags of a chalky powder that tasted terrible, but his only comparison was a vague memory of boiled potatoes and cabbage with corn beef, and another memory of soup, it had smelled good but it was not for him, it was for Stevie who was sick again and on bed rest.

The Soldier grabbed the protein powder and limped his way toward the sink, annoyed that despite removing the shrapnel from his calf muscle almost two days ago, he didn’t seem to be healing as fast as he should. The Asset opened the plastic bag and turned on the sink, filling it with water, he sealed the bag and shook it the way he had seen the doctors do right before he was sent out on missions. Then he reopened the top and took a shaking breath before pouring the clumpy sludge into his throat. He coughed and sputtered, as he labored for breath between gulps of the nutritional supplement. Afterward, he filled the bag up again and drank the rust flavored water to wash it down. He droped the bag and clamped his jaw shut as he focused on breathing, willing himself to keep the substitutional nutrition within his stomach that was turning and rolling in protest, hating the substance almost as much as his taste buds did. He waited a few patient minutes, breathing through his body’s impulse to expel all the contents of his stomach, trying to understand why he felt so sick and completely exhausted.

He was slowly learning about his own body as he gained steady awareness of his needs and how-to asses his physical deterioration. In the back of his mind he recognized the strange discrepancies between his ability to function independently with tactical proficiency and yet still flounder at attempts of self- preservation. The Asset knew how to break and enter silently, how to select the proper weapons for a given objective and how to preform basic first aid on himself including extracting foreign objects like bullets or shrapnel from his flesh.

What the Soldier could not do with reasonable proficiency were the many base line functions considered self-care. He had not showered or tried to wash more than his hands and wipe water on his face since taking a dive into the Potomac over three months before and had never removed his combat gear unless tending to an injury, wearing civilian cloths over top when out in public between locations. He avoided drinking liquids as often as possible since that resulted in the need to urinate which took up time and left him exposed. Digesting the nutritional supplements were hardly satisfying and too often the disgusting taste triggered his memory of other missions, often leaving him in a confused mess of conflicting thought as he wandered hopelessly around a base he had just destroyed trying to understand what he was doing there and why everyone was dead.

There were days at a time where he was so overwhelmed by his own mind that he even considered putting himself in the nearest mantaince chair he could find. And yet, his gut reaction always convinced him to destroy the chairs before leaving the above ground structure in shambles. The Asset knew he was not fully functional. He knew that each day he gained more memories of his past while steadily becoming less focused on his mission and it was becoming harder to keep himself on track.  
The Asset had a mission, he was defecting from Hydra and would return to the Captain, but he also knew that to be accepted back after nearly killing his former handler, he would need to prove his worth and his loyalty. He was collecting as much intel as he could from each base he destroyed with the intention of offering them to the Captain as a show of allegiance, desperately hoping he would reclaim the Asset as his own so that he could once more follow Steve’s orders. He also knew that there was a strong likely hood that SHIELD might find him first before he was ready to approach the Captain, in which case the intel would be his bargaining chip, his way to request being assigned to Captain Rogers instead of a different SHIELD Agent. He needed to be back with the Captain, under his command and serving him as an Asset, but despite his desire to return, he also knew for certain that Steven Rodgers had called him Bucky, Bucky Barnes, Sergeant James Buchannan Barnes and that designation was before he became the Winter Soldier. In order for the Asset to be reassigned to Captain America, he would have to relearn how to operate as code name Sergeant Barnes aka Bucky. He knew that in order to be accepted by the Captain he should be in better working order so he could impress his former Handler and would less likely face rejection and dismissal, or possibly be decommissioned all together. However, due to his erratic brain patterns this part of his self assigned mission was proving to be a great deal more challenging then the intel gathering and defecting from Hydra.

With a weary sigh the Asset climbed over the piled-up bodies and up through the hatch into the storage closet of the vacant glass factory, overgrown with weeds beside a rail road that headed up North west. With only half a cursory glance back he ignited the silent detonators he had strategically placed on the rotten support beams within the decrepitude factory that instantly shook before the roof collapsed and the walls crumbled in. The sound was loud in the night air, but the nearest town was over 5 miles away and there was no smoke rising, just dust and debris. 

The Soldier steadily made his way along the tracks as he left yet another destroyed base behind, Nine down and three more to go. Then he would head south of the border and continue destroying bases. He would keep going until,… well,… until he was no longer capable of functioning. He ideally wondered how much longer he could keep up his mission before he was found by SHEILD, Hydra or possibly the Avengers. He knew he was getting weaker and that his mind was rapidly unraveling, but he wasn’t ready yet, he needed more time to remember, to become Bucky Barnes again, loyal and obedient Asset of Captain America. And so he moved on, resting only when he was too exhausted to continue and ingesting his hated supplements whenever his stomach was tied in knots and his vision was distorted with spots and hallucinations. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
The Captain exited the quinjet with Sam at his side, stepping out into the light rain of a dreary March day in Moundsville, West Virginia. It had been two weeks since he had confessed to the Avengers and SHEILD agents that Sergent James Buchannan Barnes was more than just his friend or, at least had been in their past life together. The Captain had at first felt trapped and forced into his admission, wanting to curse them all and storm out of the room. But, after receiving their support instead of rejection, he had gradually felt a sense of relief and comfort, considering what life might be like if he could really love Bucky and not have to hid it. Those daydreams were short lived however as he doubled down his efforts to find his long lost friend, the weight of uncertainty and fear for Bucky’s safety shadowing any thought that had brought a momentary smile to his face  
.  
True to his word, Rumlow had sent two more videos, both heart wrenching and cruel. The 1st was black and white, showing an emaciated and battered Sergeant Barnes stripped naked and trying to defend himself with only his one flesh arm as Hydra guards laughed at him while using a bull whip. Bucky had started off defiant and, on his feet, taking a few lashes before managing to catch the whip with his one hand and pulled the man holding it into a forceful head butt that likely broke the guards noise. He then kicked in the kneecap of the second guard and used the whip to further defend himself, cursing them in a mix of Russian and German and English, whatever he thought they might understand.

Despite his spirit and determination, within seconds more guards arrived and after less then a minute Stark turned it off with heavy breaths of panic, Bruce at his side with a hand on his shoulder, couching him to breath. The other Avengers looked equally upset but kept calm, Natasha, Clint and Sam watching Steve’s reaction as Hill exchanged a look with Fury.

The Captain had not moved. He had not looked away from the now blank screen, body still and arms locked at his side. In the vacuumed silence following the video, Steve let out the smallest gasp of air as a single tear made its way down his cheek. He turned toward his teammates with a look of grief stricken numbness, blinking slowly before looking down at his clenched fists. The Captain held up his hand shaking his head at Sam when he stepped forward to remind him he was not alone. He left the room without a word, head down and steps heavy, feet dragging as if they were made of lead. The punching bags in the gym were all completely destroyed that evening.

The second video had been far worse and left the Avengers with an edge of violent intent toward any and all Hydra personnel. The film looked to be only months after the other one judging by the film quality and the length of Bucky’s shaggy hair. Steve had watched with utter devastation as the man he loved trembled on the ground, just skin and bones after being released from a sensory deprivation chamber after over a month of total isolation. An accented voice was narrating the film for documentation purposes, explaining the purpose and the successful results. Bucky had crawled away from the first Doctor who had approached him and was cowering in the corner, shaking and sobbing as he mumbled incoherently, arm over his head. Another man approached, a Hydra officer who spoke in Russian but with a gentle tone, holding out a soft blanket and crouching near Bucky as if he were a frightened animal. Steve had felt a wave of nausea as he watched his friend cry out in desperation, crawling into the offered blanket. The shaking POW clung to the Hydra officer, pressing against him as if he was his savior, and crying without restraint. In return the man mockingly patted him on the head making soft, soothing noises while sneering down at his broken captive before looking back up at the camera with a victorious smile. The Doctor narrating the video then concluded that after months of attempting to break the subjects willful resistance with physical punishment, it had been proven that removing all stimuli completely had ultimately achieved the desired goal and the subject was finally ready for obedience conditioning.

Steve had gotten physically ill after watching the video and had excused himself for the remainder of that evening, only remerging the following day with a face etched in steel and a lethal look in his eyes. Two days later it had been Jarvis who made the connection between the 9 destroyed vacant properties spread throughout North America, all of whom were owned by fake puppet companies funded by other organizations who could be traced back to recently identified Hydra officers that held public office or owned other large international corporations. SHEILD had been notified and intel shared as they continued to work together despite different target objectives, the apprehension of Brock Rumlow for SHEILD and the rescue of Sergeant Barnes for The Avengers.

Steve stood in the damp drizzle looking at a section of ground that had been marked off with caution tape. Bucky’s footprints, leading away from the collapsed building, the first and only clue SHEILD had found. Steve swallowed down his conflicting emotions, thankful that they had finally found a sign of the elusive Soldier but also profoundly worried as he considered what such a carless over sight might indicate for his friend’s health. Steve could tell by the indent of Bucky’s right boot print, the slight angle and pressure on the ball of the foot, that he was limping. He felt Sam at his right, not speaking but knowing and understanding. The Widow was at his left, her eyes on Steve as she spoke.

“His right leg is injured.” She stated simply and he nodded with a swallow, not meeting her face, eyes staring hard at the foot prints as if he could will Bucky to return, knowing that his friend had been their only 36 hours before. “Come inside,… there are things you need to see.” Natasha spoke softly and touched his elbow but did not pull. Steve stared for a moment longer and then sighed with a nod.

He followed slightly behind listening to her speak as they moved past the swarm of SHEILD agents canvassing for clues, making their way toward the collapsed factory.

“We found evidence of an underground compound with an elaborate tunnel system and a self- regulating energy source.” Natasha spoke with cool professionalism but knew what they were about to see was going to be difficult and for Steve, incredibly personal.  
“Based on what’s been uncovered here, SHEILD is going to send field teams out to the other 8 sights Jarvis identified as possible bases already destroyed.” She explained before leading them to an area that had been cleared away with an opened hatch door into the subterranean base beneath.

Inside was lit up with high-tech detachable lights thanks to Ironman who was further back in another room analyzing the partially destroyed chair. Steve surveyed the blood-splattered walls and stairs still slippery wet from the corpses that had been removed and placed in a large stack of body bags off to the side where agents where removing them one at a time. The scent of death was a pungent odor and it made that Captain sick as he was instantly reminded of the gas chambers during the war. 

“He wiped the electronic files and planted a virus in the data base… The Techs are unsure how much useful information they will be able to recover.” Agent Hill addressed Natasha but looked pointedly at Steve, clearly frustrated that the Winter Soldier had destroyed their recon ability and questioning what his motive had been. Steve did not say anything and simply pushed past them both, looking around the base with a strangely detached feeling, as if still looking for Bucky and not really able to focus on anything else. He heard voices from further back and walked toward it with Sam lagging to speak with Natasha.

The Captain stopped dead at the threshold and felt his body tense, eyes locked dead ahead on the half destroyed mantaince chair where Stark stood analyzing the machinery while engaging in conversation with Bruce and Clint.

“….It’s like he started to dismantle it and then just…. forgot to finish…” Tony observed.

“His head’s probably all over the place man,… I mean even his execution of all those Hydra drones in there,… Half are clean and exact and the others are just torn apart like he went wild or….” Clint stopped as they turned to face Steve who remained silent, eyes glued to the chair. He narrowed his eyes and stepped further into the room when he felt Sam’s hand on his shoulder.

“Hey Steve,….we….uh…..we found this,… in these cabinets over here.” Bruce handed The Captain a bag of the protein powder and held up an empty one that still had drops of water inside, obviously ingested when Bucky had destroyed the base. Steve studied the bag, eyebrow arched as he examined it.

“Based on some of the other intel SHIELD had accessed recently we had suspected that Hydra kept the Winter,…..um,…. I…I mean Bucky, that is,…. Kept him on a liquids diet, possibly because it was easier to flush his system before entering Cryo-freeze.” Bruce suggested with a shrug and a look of nervous sympathy.

“He only drank one,… he left the others…. Why?” Steve spoke out loud with a pensive expression as he looked up at his teammates. Natasha was now behind them leaning in the doorway.

“Maybe he doesn’t like the taste.” Sam half joked as he stared at the gray powder with a look of contempt.

“Yea it’s pretty gross,… like purely meant to keep his muscles, joints and bones strong but without any other frills.” Hawkeye made a face at the bag and then looked at the chair shaking his head. “God these fucking assholes.” Clint muttered as he wiped the back of his neck.

“Do you think maybe he has started eating solid foods?” The Captain considered with an almost hopeful expression. Despite the carnage and destruction, he was actually feeling slightly comforted by the fact that Bucky was still on his feet and was actively fighting back against Hydra.

“Uh,…well,… I guess we can’t be certain but,…I am willing to bet that if he did try to metabolize solid food he likely got pretty sick,… and this stuff here is really not sustainable or meant for regular consumption, its only meant to get him jacked up for missions. His digestive track is very likely causing him a fair amount of discomfort at this point and he probably avoids ingesting anything at all to reduce complications.” Banner offered frankly but then winced when he saw Steve’s deflated expression.

Steve sighed as he whipped his face with a humorless smirk, shaking his head.

“So, Bucky is injured, malnourished and mentally unstable… and he is still able to take out an entire Hydra base on his own and level it afterwards.” Steve huffed with a disbelieving laugh.

“Hmmm,… sounds like someone I know,… you two make quite the pair.” Natasha mused from the doorway before she crossed into the room. She took a moment and looked at them all with a serious tone and expression.

“We are only now recognizing this pattern because these base locations were not in any of our files… Rumlow said he was already tracking him, because he knows where the bases are, how many there are and where he might hit next….” She looked directly at Steve and did not mince her words but gave him a compassionate look and nod. “If we can detect that Barnes is unwell,… Rumlow probably knows that too.” The Widow stated with a sigh. Steve looked at her and then over to the Mantaince chair with a heavy breath and a quite nod.

“We need to figure out where Bucky is going to strike next and intercept him.” Steve spoke as he looked up at the others for ideas, voice calm despite his aching need to find Bucky as soon as possible and never let him go. 

“Stark,… you could get x-ray imaging on identified buildings right?... Get Jarvis to compile a list of vacant, abandoned factories in north America and see if any of them have hallowed out space beneath?” Clint asked with his arms crossed in consideration. Ironman looked up and his face plate shifted up as he considered Barton’s question.

“You make a good point bird boy,… he was already compiling the list,… I would just have to program the coordinates of the locations into my satellite and pull up the geographical imaging and dimensions beneath each structure.” Stark spoke out loud as he considered the steps and time it would take, while Hawkeye rolled his eyes at the unwelcomed nick name.

“J?... you done with that list yet?” Stark spoke out loud and from a microphone in his suite the AI’s voice was projected.

Yes Sir,… There are 4,753 abandoned factories and mills that are located in isolated locations within North America…. I am currently running an algorithm to determine which properties are owned by fictitious or bankrupt companies… I will input the coordinates of each location matching that indicator into the satellite as they are identified.

“Good man!” Stark nodded and looked at Steve with a confident grin. The Captain returned his expression with a sigh of uncertainty as Sam patted his back.  
“We got this man,…We are gonna find him Steve,… he’s gonna be okay.” Sam spoke with reassurance and Steve nodded back, eyes glaring from the protein powder in his hand to the half dismantled mantaince chair, jaw tight as he reminded himself to stay focused and not get distracted by his anger and hatred of Hydra. Captain America had a mission, and that mission was to bring Bucky home and help him heal.

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Rumlow knew the Winter Soldier was targeting Hydra’s North American bases, and he could also tell that at first he had been more calculating about it, zig zagging across the nation instead of targeting the next nearest base. But there were only three left, and He had gotten authority from the Hydra heads in Europe and South America to assemble additional specialized combat agents who were standing by at each site ready to take down their misbehaving Asset. 

It had been a South African Doctor who had transferred to Canada after the fall of the Apartheid that had come up with a new weapon to use on the elusive and fast healing Super Soldier. It was a hollow bullet filled with a poisonous virus that could penetrate the Winter Soldier’s body armor and contaminate his blood before he had time to extract the infected object. If successful they planned to make a lethal version to use on Captain America.

They had sharp shooters and snipers at each location ready to shoot on sight and specialized restraints if they were able to apprehend him. But the one tool that was most effective was the book of codes that would ultimately control the Asset, even if only temporary as his mind had not been whipped in months and so was less susceptible and malleable. Much to the dismay of the other Hydra officials over seeing the operation, Rumlow had refused to produce the manual and stated that it had been destroyed and only he knew the words. For this reason, he refused to give that power over to anyone else and so demanded that he be the one placed in charge of the Winter Soldier, his one and only Handler from that point forward.

For Rumlow, it was not about repossessing Hydra’s favorite attack dog. He would certainly make use of the Soldier’s abilities if he had him under his control, but what he was looking forward to the most was revenge. He hated Captain America. Hated the righteous, stubborn idiot who had to wake up after 70 years of Hydra planning and ruin everything that they had worked for. Rumlow had devoted his life to the cause because he believed that he would be one of the leading figure’s in the new world order, rewarded for his loyalty and respected by Hydra’s high council. Instead he had his body burned and scared, waking up to a world where Hydra was under attack and his promised future completely gone. Captain America had taken away his world, and his purpose, so he figured the least he could do was return the favor and rip out the Captain’s heart by hitting him where he knew it would hurt the most, Bucky Barnes.

He had actually enjoyed selecting which videos he was going to send to SHEILD for Rodger’s viewing pleasure and he also found himself considering what he was going to do with the Asset once he had him in his possession. He knew already the long-standing Rumors within SHEILD about Captain America’s secret relationship with Sergent Barnes during the War and he believed it now that Rodgers had managed to break through the Soldier’s programing not just once but twice, even after he had been whipped. For that exact reason he had made up his mind early on in his first message to the Captain that he was going to call him out for the fagot that he was and promised to use his lover boy as a bitch. Despite the fact that Rumlow was not attracted to other men, he was attracted to domination. He knew himself to be a sadistic animal who would have no problem forcing himself on anyone, especially if it was going to humiliate them, the shame of it wiping that self-righteous smile off the Captain’s golden boy face for good.

Rumlow sat back in his chair as he ate Doritos and watched yet another video from Hydra’s archive of the Winter Soldier project. In this one they were attaching the metal arm to a very awake and screaming Bucky Barnes, who thrashed in his restraints and begged with incoherent syllables that sounded like Russian non-sense. The video had been dated about three months after he had been released from the sensory deprivation tank and the narration had claimed he was finally obedient enough to follow orders and not fight back. Of course, that had been a mistake and once the prosthetic was attached the Soldier had instantly crushed the throat of the nearest doctor and had to be further subdued with tranquilizers. Rumlow had barked a laugh at the surprise and agitated voice of the Doctor who went on to say that despite the Subject no longer retaining a sense of identity he appeared to still resist complete subjugation and that he would be placed in Cryo-Freeze until a more permeant form of conditioning could be used to stabilize his absolute obedience. 

Rumlow knew that the egg heads had never been able to achieve that goal and so instead had created the mantaince chair and trigger words, accepting that their perfect weapon would need continued reinforcement and reprograming, never willing to submit completely unless he was kept blank and primed for orders. Even the trigger words were only temporary and worked best right after he was wiped. Rumlow licked the cheese dust from his fingers, put his mask back on and leaned up to the camera, ready to record his personalized message at the end of the video. He pushed a few buttons and then found himself grinning under his mask as he spoke to the camera recording him.

“Man,… I am telling you Cap,… these videos just keep getting better and better!...And the more I hear your pathetic little Bucky scream his head off the more I look forward to ripping him apart… I am gonna make sure his ass is so sore he wont be able to walk after.” Rumlow laughed as he shook his head in amusement picturing the Captain’s face as he watched the video and heard his taunting words. “But I know he heals fast so I guess I am gonna have to get creative,… maybe use some things on him that can do more damage,… you know,… explore his kinky side,…. What do you think?” Rumow felt himself getting hard and he snorted as his own imagination was getting carried away. “Don’t worry Cap,… I know I probably got you all hot and bothered,… but I promise,… I will send you the footage,… complete with close ups of his stupid face instead of this one angle documentary style shit Hydra was making... Just be patient big guy,… it won’t be long now.” Rumlow did his one finger salute and ended the recording before ejecting the disk and sticking it in an envelop, handing it to a subordinate who was smart enough not to make eye contact after hearing exactly what Rumlow was planning to do with Hydra’s renegaded Asset.

Rumlow didn’t care what anyone else thought or what precautions and protocols had been regulated in the Winter Soldier’s manual. He was going to punish the Asset so he could hurt Captain America and that was all that really mattered. Rumlow had a mission, and his mission was to destroy America’s first superhero by ripping out his heart and that’s what he was going to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes: So…yea,… I am definitely going dark with this one.


	4. Running on Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: The Winter Soldier is resilient. Bucky Barnes is determined…. But Hydra is full of mad scientist assholes,… Good thing the Avengers are dependable and Steve Rodgers is dedicated!

It had been a trap. The Asset should have known. He did know,… or he had known… but he forgot,… Thinking had become increasingly difficult and The Winter Soldier cursed himself for his miscalculation and distracted mindset that had resulted in him being shot not just once, but three times over the space of an hour by specialized agents he had not been expecting at the next Hydra base. It was number 10 of the 12 bases located in the United States and of course Hydra would expect his arrival. He had known this, had planned for it and had taken precautions. But then, … then he wasn’t really sure what happened. One moment he was in active combat mode, slicing and dicing, shooting and dodging, only slightly perturbed by the increased reinforcements at the base’s perimeter that had clearly been expecting him. And then suddenly he was inside the base, typing in the main data frame and blinking back into his body. 

As he stepped back from the control panel and looked around at the corpses, he realized that he was panting for breath and that he had intense pain in three specific areas of his body. Looking down in assessment the Asset was genuinely surprised to find he had three bullet wounds, one in his flesh shoulder, one in his barley healed right café muscle and the third in his left rib cage. He applied pressure and gritted his teeth in annoyance as he realized that the bullet was likely lodged behind his rib cage and would be extremely difficult to extract without passing out from blood loss or pain. How had he been so careless?

The Soldier just shook his head and grabbed the zip drive before hobbling out of the base and past the dead bodies. He grabbed a duffle bag and filled it with the protein powder, more first aid supplies and as many explosives and rounds of ammunition as he could fit into the bag. He also spotted a cartage of bullets that looked distinctly different then what he was use to seeing laying next to a man with a sniper riffle he had apparently taken down at some point. When the Asset grabbed the cartage, he couldn’t ignore how light headed he felt and stumbled slightly before heading out completely. He paused outside the base, still painting and wondering why his bullet wounds seemed to burn and ich with such intensity. He looked back at the decrepit building and huffed as he realized he wasn’t sure if he had planted explosives or not. He also begrudgingly realized that there were several bodies outside the Steel mill and around the perimeter.

A part of the Asset that was likely more Bucky Barnes then Winter Soldier sighed in exhaustion and cursed. He knew that he had to leave and extract his bullets immediately before he healed with them inside. He also was able to admit to himself that he was feeling more fatigued and unsteady on his feet then he had been since beginning his mission. The Soldier tried to slow his breathing and think, but his thoughts were so muddled and his mind kept asking him questions instead of providing answers. Finally after a few minutes of dysfunctional and uncoordinated thought patterns the Winter Soldier growled in frustration, hitting his head with his flesh palm several times in quick succession as if that would clear his mind. It didn’t.

With a final huff of frustration, the Asset limped closer, ducked behind an old stone wall that was half destroyed and used his metal arm to hurl six grenades through three windows on the second floor and three on the bottom, barley able to duck back down before the explosion erupted, doing damage and destroying part of the building but not completely collapsing it. The Soldier was breathing heavy and he realized with growing concern that the bullet wound in his leg was starting to feel cold and numb. He pulled himself up, gritting his teeth and glared at the base with the countless bodies littering the perimeter. There was nothing more he could do at that moment. He had to get out of there and by now he was sure SHIELD and the Avengers had picked up on his pattern anyway so covering his tracks was somewhat pointless. With a resigned huff he limped away from the base that had small fires poking through a few of the windows, likely not enough to completely destroy the base but he realized with growing anxiety that he needed to get to safety as soon as possible. Dealing with his bullet wounds was now priority number one.

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Jarvis had narrowed down the search to 232 different possible locations and so far the first 38 locations had no underground development detected by the x-ray but the 39th did. However, when the Avenger’s arrived in the rural midwestern ghost town it became apparent that the underground area was a bomb shelter built for the towns people in the 1950’s during the Cold War. It had been a frustrating disappointment but before The Captain could even head back toward the plane Stark’s voice spoke with a rapid tone over the coms informing the Avengers that SHEILD had discovered another base that had been attacked the night before and was securing the scene. 

The Avengers wasted no time as they headed for the abandoned Steel mill located 45 minutes from Pittsburg, wondering just what mischief the Winter Soldier had gotten up to. When they arrived, it was chaos on the outskirts as local police were keeping back the swarm of reporters and SHIELD had an army of their own agents securing the perimeter, stoned face as they glared silently at the demanding press.

The Captain paused in a moment of shock as he looked out over the havoc that Bucky had left behind in his wake, no effort at all to cover his tracks. He was caught speechless as the others waited for a moment to see if he was going to take command. After a brief pause, he nodded and told them all to separate and gather intel then to report back over the coms what they found. Sam offered to stay by his side, But Steve shook his head, needing solitude for a moment as he collected his thoughts. He was deeply disturbed by the videos Rumlow had sent, the horrific images still churning in his gut as he felt his face flush red at the insinuated cruelty that the sadistic Hydra agent had promised. Steve felt bile in his throat at the thought of Rumlow hurting Bucky with such a savage violation, taking something private and loving that they had only between themselves and using it to inflict humiliation and pain. The Captain shook himself from his thoughts as he heard Natasha’s voice telling him they were waiting for him inside.

“It’s obvious they knew he was coming,…. This was an ambush.” Falcon spoke as he gestured around the upper level of the factory at the numerous dead bodies.  
“Man,… I can’t believe he got out of here!” As he shook his head in disbelief.

“But Hydra knew he has been attacking the bases, why wait until now to reinforce security?” Natasha posed the question but there was no answer.

“At least he still managed to escape but he did a half ass job trying to destroy the place and he didn’t even tare into the mantaince chair, he just filled it with bullet holes.” Hawkeye mused and Tony held up a cartage with strange hollowed out bullets with something green inside.

“Looks like they decided to try a new strategy,…” Tony held one bullet up and they all looked at it with pensive frowns. 

“Initial scans suggest it is a bacterial virus, fast acting and meant to target cellular regeneration and mutate it with a disease that causes sever nerve pain and contraction of muscles as the flesh decays from lack of oxygen… It also may have some impact on neurological patterns if the contaminated blood reaches the brain.” Tony sighed as he looked at the bullet with disgust. “It’s hollow to go through body armor and I am guessing that if Barnes was hit by one of these the effects on his nervous system would set in rather quickly.” Tony’s expression was grim as he looked up at Steve then away.

“That could explain why he left in such a hurry and didn’t bother to clear the area.” Clint agreed and Steve swallowed as he glared at the bullet and then over to a dead Hydra agent whose throat had been slit. He stared down at the body and then out the window with a worried frown before turning back toward his teammates.

“We are running out of time… Bucky was already in bad shape,…if he tries to attack another base,… I don’t know if…” Steve’s throat was dry and he shook his head as he turned away.

“Jarvis,… tell me you have all the potential base locations narrowed down!” Ironman sighed as he handed the bullet to Bruce who put in in a secure container to be examined back at the tower.

Sir, there are 28 possible locations that meet the preset parameters and two of those facilities appear to have low energy signals that have been disguised by an unidentified cloaking device. I will send you the coordinates now.

“Do you think he would strike again right after this one?.... He wouldn’t give himself a chance to heal first?” Sam questioned and The Captain looked at him with uncertainty.

“The Soldier is on a mission.… He’s been conditioned to operate through pain and injury, and even with compromised capability, his programing will keep him moving forward weather his body can handle it or not… That’s Rumlow’s plan,… that’s why he hasn’t tried to stop him sooner… He is letting the Soldier run himself into the ground so he has a better chance at gaining control.” The Widow surmised and Clint nodded in agreement.

“Tell Fury we need back up… We will hit the closest of those two locations tonight.” The Captain spoke with a tone that was quiet but firm, a look of unspoken dread as he considered what would happen if Bucky tried to take down the base where Rumlow was no doubt waiting for him, ready to end the Asset’s rebellion with trigger words that would leave his friend completely defenseless. It was a thought that kept Steve ready to fight and he gritted his teeth as he looked out the window and down at the bodies, realizing with some amount of self-contempt that he was looking forward to hurting whoever he found at those two bases, ready to let out some of his aggression and frustration that had been building. It was time to join Bucky’s fight against Hydra, he would have his friends back.

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The Soldier came back into conscious slowly, fighting his way out of a hellish dream that was distorted and made no sense. He blinked slowly with a violent shudder and a wet, choking gasp as he tried to assess his current situation. The Asset was in a motel room bathroom, laying naked in the bathtub surrounded by blood. His eye lids were heavy, vision spotted from blood loss, dehydration and malnutrition but there was something else. His whole torso burned, and he was sweating, skin goose bumped as he shivered. He struggled to sit up as he tried to remember how he got there and what he was doing. He sluggishly examined his body and the fist aid supplies lining the mostly filthy tub. He blinked his distorted vision and saw the pliers and tongs next to the knife, all covered in blood. He reached forward and picked up one of two hollow point bullets that were empty inside but had a strange green residue. He looked down at his flesh shoulder wound where he had extracted the first bullet from. The skin around the wound had turned dark and green lines where spreading from the sight. 

Frowning, the Asset then examined his calf muscle that looked the same, both wounds throbbing with aching heat as spikes of sharper pain spread out from the sight of injury. He swallowed and felt like his mouth was made of sand. With another clumsy gesture he turned on the faucet of the tub and used a shaking hand to bring water to his parched lips. He felt dizzy and nauseous and everything hurt. After a few more swallows of water he looked down at his torso and huffed in agitation as he realized he had blacked out from the pain as he had been attempting to dig out the third bullet still lodged behind his rib cage. The wound there looked worse, black flesh and green lines cutting across his chest and wrapping around his back. 

He let out a sudden gasp as he touched the infected wound on his side and his vision faded out as the pain coursed through him. He tried to think as he panted in contemplation of why his body was reacting so adversely to the bullet wounds. He looked back at the bullets and blinked at the green tint. Was he poisoned?... The Asset grunted as he nodded to himself, cursing in Russian before trying to get on his knees, hardly able to think past the fact that everything hurt and his blood was on fire. With another grunt that turned to a wheezing groan he turned on the shower and then slumped against the tiles, shaking with fever as the virus continued to spread, attacking his cells as they tried to heal. He let the water rain down on him and wash away the dry sticky blood that coated his naked flesh and the ceramic tub. He tried to focus but his mind was growing darker and despite his best efforts the Asset’s head dropped low, passing out again, this time under the spray.  
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“The Base was completely destroyed, and data whipped but we did get confirmation from at least one agent that The Winter Soldier was shot with the virus.” The Hydra officer confirmed over a video call, the screen showing his face as well as that of several other members of the High council who were safe in their European hid outs. Rumlow smiled behind his mask as he listened to the men talk and strategize about how to best subdue their defiant Asset and speculation as to which of the remaining two bases, he would likely target next.

“Are we even certain the Asset will attempt another attack if he is injured and compromised by the virus… Wouldn’t he wait to recover and heal before attacking?” One of the men spoke with a thick Austrian accent. Romlow snickered and shook his head at their pointless speculative banter. None of these high-ranking members of Hydra had ever been directly involved with the Winter Soldier project, only a few having interacted with him at all when he was assigned to a mission within their specific region.

“Is something amusing to you Agent Rumlow?” A Woman’s sharp cutting voice, a proper English accent interrupting his low chuckle and he shrugged as he looked up at the screen.

“Just the way you keep talking about the Asset like he’s a person,… Like the Winter Soldier can think about himself, decide to take a day off and rest, maybe kick back and watch some T.V.” Rumlow barked another laugh.

“He’s a weapon,… a god damn ballistic missile with a target… Nothing is gonna stop him from coming for us,…he’s programed to follow a mission through to the end and conditioned to ignore his own pain…Hydra made him unstoppable!... And now destroying Hydra is his mission. He can’t stop because he doesn’t know how. He will keep coming even if he has to crawl,… he will fight without giving a fuck about dyeing.” Rumlow offered with a sneer at their complete ignorance.

“He feels he has nothing to loose?... He would sacrifice his life and freedom for revenge against Hydra?” Another woman with a Scottish accent asked, arching her eyebrow.

“Revenge?... Nah…this isn’t about Hydra,… it’s about Captain America,… it’s about Rodgers and Barnes.” Rumlow scoff.

“What exactly do you mean?… You are saying our own weapon is firing against us because of his past connection to Captain America?” Another voice questioned with a Chinese accent. Crossbones shrugged again as he leaned back in his chair. 

“I’m saying revenge isn’t his motivation,… it’s loyalty,… the one thing Hydra didn’t have to beat into the Winter Soldier, just tried to twist it and redirect it… Before the Asset was a weapon he was a man who was loyal to Captain America,… died fighting at his side… we made a mistake thinking we could condition the Asset to be loyal to Hydra,… it only worked when there was nothing else,… when he had no one and no cause to feel connected to… But leave it up to Captain Fucking America to steal the show and light that fire in the Soldier’s belly.” Rumlow barked another laugh as he shook his head.

“So are you saying that the Soldier is a lost cause?... If so why have we allowed you to waste our resources to recapture him?” A Frenchman demanded with obvious anger.

“Because even a loyal dog can be beaten into submission, and once we have the Asset back,… we also have Captain America,… he will do anything he can to save his old pal and that is the weakness we are gonna exploit… We can use the Soldier as bate and destroy the Captain once and for all…” Rumlow nodded.

“Agent Rumlow give me the code words to control the Asset,… If he attacks our base next I will be able to deliver him to you and we will not sustain as many casualties.” The Base commander spoke with a forceful tone, clearly resentful at the game Rumlow was playing and that his compound was just another pon.

“Nah,… I think I am just gonna hang on to the ace in my pocket. But don’t worry Commander,… you have the shipment of amo we sent,… and those bullets are even more toxic then the first batch!... If the Asset shows up he’s already gonna be hurting so just take him down.” Rumlow offered and was met with a resentful glare.

“And what if we are attacked by SHIELD or the Avengers?... They have found the other bases he destroyed,… it’s only a matter of time before….” Romlow cut him off with a dismissive wave.

“You better just have your men ready then Commander,… and tell them to aim for the Captain,… maybe if we get lucky we can take them both down with this virus!” Rumlow saluted flippantly and signed out of the video call, feeling a thrill of power wash over him as he considered just how close he was to taking down America’s golden boy and destroying him from the inside out. Revenge might not have been the Soldier’s motivation but it sure as hell worked for Rumlow. 

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The Asset gritted his teeth as he stabbed another needle into the infected flesh on his left side, blinking to clear his vision. He was standing but just barley, leaning heavily against the counter with his metal arm as his flesh one shook pulling out the syringe. He honestly wasn’t sure what the yellow tinted medicine was or how it worked but when he saw it at the base he had a memory flash of the Doctors putting it into his IV as they muttered about improving his endurance and resistance to pain.

He had already injected two and was finally beginning to feel the effects, his mind becoming sharper and less confused as the pain was dulled and replaced by a wave of energy and a thirst for physical activity. He dropped the needle in the trash and looked up in the mirror at his flushed skin still sweating with constant tremors and shakes. His eyes were dilated but he could see, not fine details but enough. With gritted teeth he stood up strait and began wrapping a bandage tight around his mid section, his jaw twitching as he ground his teeth. He had already tried his best to clean out the infected wounds with alcohol and bandaged them, still feeling the sore, throbbing pain and the burning spikes that shot through his nervous system but his energy level was more than restored. 

The Soldier moved around the motel room quickly with a sense of urgency, packing up all the weapons and disposing the evidence of his surgical procedure. He didn’t bother cleaning the tub as the remaining blood stains and smears on the floor and shower curtain seemed inconsequential. He was no longer concerned with being tracked as he knew without adoubt he had SHEILD and the Avengers hot on his trail. He tried to ingest the nutritional supplement but threw it up instantly into the sink and so drank water instead struggling to even keep that liquid down. As he threw on his dirty civilian cloths over his filthy combat gear he heard several cars pull up outside of the Motel. With caution he looked out the curtain and saw that it was local police, likely looking for him after the very open slaughter he had left behind the night before. It was early evening and that meant he had been unconscious for far too long. He snorted in irritation as he chewed his lip staring at the old rusty pick up truck he had stolen that was parked out front. There was an officer with a phone taking note of the missing license plate and the others where speaking with the Motel manager who was pointing toward his room. With no further hesitation he grabbed his duffle bag and went straight to the closet using a small laser knife he had recovered at the base in Washington a month ago. He quickly cut a hole in the closet wall. Through the bag in and shut the door behind him just as he heard the knocking on the motel room door and the demand of the Police.

He quickly made his way, stepping out of the closet into a stuffy motel room that reeked of stale cigarette smoke and booze. He looked down at a small child, a boy who was on the floor watching TV and then up at a woman and two men passed out naked in the bed. Something in the Asset froze and a voice in his head insisted that the child needed to be protected and taken away from there. He bit his lip and stared hard at the child in confusion trying to understand his internal monologed that was in direct contradiction with his need to evade the authorities. The little boy, so small, looked up at him with curiosity but no fear and the Soldier had a strong urge to take the boy with him, an impulsive and foolish notion. He shook his head and looked back at the closet then decided that the police would come through into this room anyway and that they would help the boy. He turned back and nodded once at the child, not knowing what else he could do and then headed to the back wall where he used the laser knife to cut through.

The Soldier was outside and had just managed to sneak behind the dumpster before the police came around the back, more inside as he heard them communicating over their walkie talkies that ‘The Suspect had escaped through the closet and out another room’. He was moving quickly and quietly, still sore and aching but high and oblivious to his own pain. With careful steps he avoided detection and managed to come around the other side of a truck stop next to the Motel, timing his escape as he jumped into the back of a truck that had just past inspection, barely making it before the Police had swarmed the surrounding area. 

With determination he held on to the truck, in between the cab and the container, knowing that he would need to jump off after a few miles and head into the woods where he could come out somewhere off the Highway and acquire another vehicle. Overhead he heard a helicopter and he sighed as he took a breath, ready to complete his mission. Ten bases down and two more to go, and maybe, just maybe he would finally be reunited with the Captain.

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The Avengers attacked the suspected base that night, backed by 60 SHEILD agents. It had been an intense battle and there was no doubt that the base had been reinforced in preparation for the Soldier’s attack but instead they were invaded by the Avengers who were definitely not pulling their punches. It had only taken a few hours to clear as Steve fought with almost blinding rage and fear, eyes always looking for Bucky behind every wall as he barreled through the corridors of the underground base. It was in a moment of heated battle that Steve felt the bullet pierce his right bicep and he turned just as he saw Sam take down the sniper who had been hidden from view. Steve continued to fight but after another thirty minutes his arm was on fire and he could hardly lift his shield. He gritted his teeth, stepping over Hydra personnel as he put his shield on his back and held his arm to himself, approaching Sam as he flew down, Natasha appearing off to his side.

“I got hit by one of those bullets.” The Captain gritted out and instantly Sam and Natasha were at his side, dragging him out of the base and toward the SHIELD agents who were rounding up any living HYDRA agents and putting them in secured vehicles for transport.

“Stay here!” The Widow demanded pushing Steve to sit by a well-lit armored truck before she went off to round up a field medic while using her com to reach out to Dr. Banner. Sam was there by his side and helped him unzip the top of his body armor as the material was too tough to cut through. Steve was still high on adrenalin but the intensity of the pain was seeping in.

“Holy shit!” Sam muttered as he examined the bullet wound that had already begun to look purplish black around the sight, blood oozing a deep unnaturally dark color. The Captain grunted as Sam lifted his arm, eyes bright with pain.

“So Stark was right about the pain and muscle cramping.” Steve breathed out, looking at his injured arm with concern.

“Hey, ….. I heard,….. Oh God!” Bruce exclaimed as he got closer and examined the bullet wound as Sam held the arm up and supported. Steve looked up at Bruce and tried to speak but he was beginning to feel lightheaded. Natasha was back with two field medics who instantly followed Banner’s lead, handing him the tools he asked for as Steve locked his jaw and stared hard straight ahead, bare chest breathing fast as he tried to focus but feeling detached. Natasha kneeled down in front of him and said his name but her voice sounded echoed and far away. He blinked slowly and tried to make his eyes focus on her face but she was becoming a bluer, his own heart beat became the loudest thing he could hear and he was only partially aware that Dr. Banner was asking if he was ready.

“Do it Bruce,… I think the virus is already effecting his cognitions.” The Widow answered for The Captain, a look of worry crossing her features. Hawkeye approached holding a pad to his own forehead that was soaked through with blood.

“Hey man, you alright?” Sam asked with concern as he looked at Clint who nodded with a shrug breathing hard.

“Hows Cap?” He asked as he frowned looking at Steve’s dilated pupils, and gaping mouth, panting as if he was running instead of sitting still.  
“He got hit by one of those poison bullets.” Sam answered.

“It’s not poison it’s a bacterial virus.” Bruce interjected as he carefully moved the pliers to retrieve the imbedded projectile. “And Damnit his muscle has already started to heal around it….. God I am so sorry Steve.” The Doctor sighed as he went in deeper and Steve’s body shook as the pain radiated through him, eyes blinking wet as he frown and looked around as if confused, trying to pull his arm away.

“Hey, Hey,…. Steve just hold still,… we are trying to help man.” Sam encouraged and Natasha used her hand to guide his face back toward hers.

“Look at me Steve,… stay focused,… Doctor Banner needs to get the bullet out.” She spoke with calmness as she studied his confused expression.

“I’ve been shot.” Steve replied and his voice was raspy, tongue dry. She nodded and looked up at Clint who handed her a water bottle. The Widow held it up to the Captain who took it and stared for a moment as if trying to figure out what it was. He lifted it to his mouth and drank the whole thing at once and then sputtered as his body felt flushed still panting.

“Almost got it!” Bruce offered as he made a face, his gloved hands now soaked with blood. Stark landed near by helmet up as he began to chat.

“Well that was fun huh gang,… busting heads and,… Oh,… Shit.” Stark cut himself off as his eyes grew wide and he looked at the impromptu surgery that was happening in the head lights of an armored SUV.

“Tony, can you give me some more light?” Banner asked and instantly it became brighter and Steve blinked slowly at the light then away at his other hand.

“Bucky only has one flesh arm,… Do you think the metal one feels pain?” Steve asked voice small and quivered as he looked off into the distance, eyes still unfocused. The others all exchanged concerned glances and The Widow stroked his hair but he did not bring his eyes to meet hers.

“Everything is going to be okay Steve,… Bucky will be fine and so will you.” Natasha offered softly and Banner sighed as he removed the bullet.

“We need to get him back to the tower and make sure his blood can detox the virus.” Banner insisted and Clint nodded as he headed for the quinjet, swatting away the medic that tried to dress his head wound.

“Steve…” Sam spoke but instantly The Captain’s head shot up, eyes wide.

“What day is it?..... The date I mean?” Steve asked with urgency, browns knit as he looked directly at Sam.

“Ummm,…it’s like….March 3rd,… or it’s the 4th now,…. Right?” Sam shrugged as he looked at the others.

“Yup it’s 2:17 AM March the 4th….Why?....Got somewhere else to be Cap?” Ironman asked with his own amused tone, not use to seeing Steve in such a disorganized head space. 

“Bucky’s Birth Day is March 10th,… Do you think he knows?...I want him to know…” Steve asked and then looked back down with another sigh as he shook his head, rubbing his temples, aware that his mind seemed to be mis-firing and he was saying things out loud that were usually personal thoughts. The others looked at one another with deepening concern and Sam crouched down to get eye level with the man who was staring off to the side as he shook his head with a frown.

“Steve, can you stand up?” Sam asked and The Captain looked back at him with a distracted, confused expression before nodding, rising to his feet but unsteady, eyes still dilated and blinking slow. He tried to focus but his mind felt jumbled with thoughts and his entire arm was painfully throbbing and numb at the same time.

“Captain,… are you alright?” Fury was there suddenly and Steve looked at him with a confused frown, as if not understand his question. Instead he asked one back as Sam and Natasha stood on either side to keep him steady.

“Did you find Bucky?” Steve asked the Director with a hopeful voice, swallowing as he looked him in the eyes with a pleading expression chest still wheezing with each labored breath. Fury tilted his head as he assessed the Captain and then looked at his arm that had been wrapped by the medic.

“He took one of those bullets Sir.” Natasha offered and the Director nodded. 

“Alright, we will wrap things up here, keep me posted on his condition.” Fury offered as he stepped away.

“Wait,… Nick!” The Captain stammered as he stumbled forward away from Sam and Natasha. The Director turned in slight surprise at the Captain who had rarely addressed him informally and never during missions.

“Where’s Bucky?... We have to find him!” The Captain panted eyes intent on the Director as if he had an answer. Fury looked at Steve and gave him a small nod.

“We will find him Captain Rodgers… We know the location of the next base.” Fury promised and Steve breathed out a sigh.

“Good,… lets head out,… tell the men,…we need to get there before day break to take them by surprise.” The Captain ordered with a serious tone despite his lack of breath before he looked over at the other Avengers. 

“Let’s get moving!” He spoke with grim determination as he started to walk but then stopped and looked down at himself. He turned around eyes narrowed.

“My Shield!?”He barked, apparently unfazed by his bare torso as he stormed back over toward it but with staggering steps as he tripped over his own feet and fell forward. Stark caught him, careful of his injured arm and Sam was there too trying to calm him down even as Steve was panting and his body was sweating despite the cool night air.

“Woah,… easy Cap,… we got ya.” Stark reassured and exchange a look with Sam who stayed close as Steve awkwardly tried to push away.

“Steve,… just breath, you got shot and the virus in the bullet is effecting you right now ok?.... Your sick and we need to get back to the Tower to make sure you can heal.” Sam tried to explained but Steve pushed away from them only to stumble backwards into Natasha and Bruce. He blinked and shook his head, vision fading in and out.

“You need,…. You need to listen to me…Please!...If Bucky isn’t here then Rumlow has him,…. We need to get there now before,…. before…” His voice cracked and his breathing was shallow, chest tight and his vision tunneled. The next thing he knew we was on the ground with voices all around him and hands trying to hold him still. He struggled up to his knees for a moment but then he felt a flash of heat and he shook, eyes rolling back in his head before passing out, slumped against the Widow who held him tight, Sam on one side and Bruce on the other as Tony signaled for Barton.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Winter Soldier stayed out of sight as he took in the scene before him, squinting through night vision binoculars as he watched the SHIELD Agents loading up the surviving Hydra personnel, The Avengers gathered off to the side as the man who wares wings was removing Captain America’s body armor. The Asset felt a strange surge of anger as he watched the interaction fighting the urge to run forward, shoot the other man in his head and grab the Captain protectively. He shook his head at the irrational thought but could not dismiss the intense reaction and tried to make sense of it, coming up with only a vague comparison to a feeling of competition, as if he needed to be the Captain’s one and only Asset and was threatened by the other man’s attempt to provide help. 

The Soldier shook his head again and could not ignore the fact that his fever had grown worse and the debilitating pain in his side had returned. He resigned himself that he had been too late to destroy the base and even too late to join the Avengers and prove his worth and loyalty to the Captain. With a grimace he considered the uncomfortable fact that the Avengers were working along side SHEILD but reasoned that if he could make up for his failure at this base by proving himself at the next one then maybe The Captain would pull rank and tell SHIELD that the Winter Soldier was his personal Asset to command. And then he would give him back his designation as Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes and he would return to his rightful place at his Captain’s side.

The Asset watched the interaction of the Avengers with growing concern as he realized the Captain had been injured. He felt his chest grow tight and was once more gripped with the irrational need to charge forward through the woods and protect the Captain, that urge becoming stronger and more intense each passing moment. He swallowed as he watched Captain America stand up on unsteady feet and then frowned in dismay as he stumbled uncoordinated toward the Director of SHIELD, a man the Asset was almost positive had been a target not too long ago and he thought had been a successful mission. For just a moment the Asset felt the need to complete his mission and take out the former target but then he hit himself in the head to dislodge the thought as he reminded himself that the mission had been ordered by Hydra and he was now defecting from Hydra and joining the Avengers who appeared to be working with SHEILD. And SHEILD was the face of Hydra,… no,… Hydra had infiltrated SHIELD and the Captain had found out. The Captain had been his mission, terminate on sight, but that mission was wrong. Hydra was wrong. The Soldier had been wrong. He had to make things right. He had new mission parameters … and he had a head ach.

The Winter Soldier remained hidden as he watched with anxious confusion as the Captain stumbled and then fell, struggling against the Avengers before passing out. The Asset bit his lip hard as he considered his options and what he should do. He wanted to protect the Captain but he knew logically it had not been the Avenger’s or SHIELD that had injured him,… but they had let him get injured during the battle with Hydra and that was still inexcusable. He felt a surge of anger grip him but as he attempted to stand he quickly doubled over and was brought to his knees in pain so intense he nearly passed out himself. 

He gasped and propped himself against a tree as his metal hand found the syringe of medicine he had brought with him, aware that the effects were lasting less time and the infection was still spreading. He was becoming disoriented again and his vision was swimming as he plunged the needle directly into his neck with a sharp gasp. His eyes fluttered closed for a minute as he took in a few shallow breaths and then he opened his eyes and looked up just in time to see the Avenger’s quinjet take off. He looked back over at the base and picked up his binoculars scanning the area as he realized the Captain was gone.

He felt a pang of disappointment and sadness but still could scarcely understand those feelings and so they turned into anger and frustration instead. This was his fault, his failure. If he had not been so reckless and gotten himself injured then he would have been here on time and could have fought at the Captain’s side and proven himself. He would never have let the Captain get injured during a mission as he was programed to protect and defend Steven Grant Rodgers against any and all threat. The Soldier knew this to be true even as he still struggled to remember the specifics of his service to the Captain. The more slivers of memory from the past he was able to hold onto the more he realized that before he was promoted to the rank of Sergeant, Asset Bucky Barnes had been responsible for protecting and defending Stevie even before the war, back in Brooklyn. 

He smiled briefly as the name Stevie brought a warmth to his chest but then gritted his teeth as a bout of nausea passed through him and he was hit by cramping pains. The Soldier jerked his head up as he heard voices ordering agents to search the woods for remaining Hydra. With a grimace, the defected Hydra Asset pulled himself upright, recognizing that the injection had done little to combat his failing body and he would need to use another one when he made it back to the car. Quietly with a natural stealth that was hardly impaired by his injury, the Soldier crept through the woods and back toward his vehicle. It was almost 2:34 am and if he left now he could drive the 10 hours to the next location and then would have time to prepare before striking the final North American base that night. He knew this would be his chance, he would prove his worth as an Asset and the Captain would be proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Get ready for some ‘oh shit’ ahead…


	5. Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Reunited and it feels so good…. JK… pain, suffering and angst ahead!... But yea, Steve gets to finally have his face to face with Bucky,… and Rumlow.

Steve could hear voices, they were speaking in low, soft tones, whispers he could only just barely hear. His body felt heavy, his stomach tight and throat dry. Without opening his eyes he tried to listen, to understand what the familiar voices were saying as he continued to lay still, eyes closed in the dimed room.

“…Hill said the police were trying to track a man that matched his description,… found him in a motel 20 miles south of the Pittsburg base yesterday evening.” Natasha’s voice.

“So close,… Man we should have canvased the surrounding area instead of just running to the next base.” That was Sam.

“She said there was a lot of blood in the bathroom,… I think it’s safe to assume he’s probably still injured.” She added.

“How the hell is he still on the run?,… Especially if Hydra hit him with that shit that took Cap down!” Clint asked with a sigh of disbelief.

“The bullets last night were a more potent concentration then the ones we discovered at the other base. They also found some empty syringes in a dumpster nearby,… Hill said the residue consisted of a drug cocktail that was similar to Methamphetamine and steroids,… they found vials of it at the other bases and there were notations in his file about ‘performance enhancing’ drugs during longer missions.” Natasha spoke a bit louder and clearer, stepping toward the Captain. She paused as she studied his face.

“You can open your eyes Steve,… I know you’ve been listening.” She stated simply and waited. 

Slowly he blinked his heavy eyes open, looking straight up, vision still swimming. He felt her come closer until she was standing over him with a considerate expression. He opened his mouth and crocked out dryly with a cough.

“Water?” He asked and she smiled with a nod. Sam appeared at her side with a bottle and she lifted his head as Sam held it to Steve’s parched lips. He drank slowly but as he tried to lift his arm to grasp the bottle he felt like his fingers where numb and he grasped it clumsily before trying to sit all the way up. He coughed and sputtered as he sat up stiff and tense, a tremor raking through him, shirt plastered to his sweating body.

“How ya feeling Champ?” Stark asked as he crossed the room slowly, with a charming smile beneath eyes that showed genuine concern. Bruce followed just behind with a nervous glance from Steve to his medical scanner and back. Steve finished the bottle and whipped his mouth before looking at his arm, the bandaged removed. He stared hard at the soft pink scare and looked back up at the concerned expressions around him.

“…Better…” Steve answered, still slightly dizzy and nauseous, shaking his head and blinking. Natasha felt his head with a kind smile.  
“Well you’re not burning up at least.” She spoke softly.

“Your temperature has dropped down to 102 degrees thank god,… you were pushing 110 by the time we got you back hear Steve.” Bruce sighed with relief.  
“How long have I been out?” The Captain asked as he pulled his sweat soaked shirt off in discomfort before rubbing his face tiredly, his whole body feeling like he had a bad flue.

“About 14 hours.” Clint answered and Steve’s head shot up, eyes growing wide.

“Bucky,…” It was the one word he said before pushing himself up onto his feet, instantly unsteady and off balanced, a sense of vertigo running through him as he blinked again, caught by Sam and Clint who gently pushed him back onto the bed.

“Hey,… Just take it slow Steve,… It’s okay,… give yourself a minute.” Sam scolded but the blond man shook his head in stubborn determination.

“We need to get back out there,… I heard what you said,… Bucky is hurt and Rumlow is gonna find him if we don’t!” The fear was plain in Steve’s unguarded expression, too disoriented to hide his wet eyes.

“We know Rogers,… and we will head out there in a few hours,… but you can’t go with us unless you can stand on your own two feet!” The Widow declared and was met with a glare and pout.

“You need to eat and rehydrate Steve,… just sit back for a minute. Let me make sure your body is still healing and fighting the virus.” The Doctor stated firmly, his usual nervous demeaner forgotten as he spoke to the Captain like an unruly patient. The Captain sighed heavily as he rolled his neck from side to side and then his shoulders.

“Feeling sore?” Tony asked before placing two blue pads on his shoulders and quickly typing into his Stark tablet.

“Tony!.... I need to get an accurate reading!” Bruce grumbled and Steve was about to take them off when suddenly an intense messaging sensation penetrated deep into his tensed muscles.

“Oh,…. God,… what…” Steve felt himself melt back, Natisha helping to lower him against the raised bed. 

“Not bad huh?...The sensors pick up the tensions in your body and send heat pressure to the target areas with a pulsing laser that penetrates the knotted muscle tissue.” Tony smiled brightly. “This is just the prototype mind you but I was thinking of making a mattress pad that can do it with just an on and off switch!... Take that memory foam!” Stark gloated and Steve just hummed in agreement and nodded, the sensation sending comforting waves through his body and relaxing his tensed muscles. He opened one eye and looked down at his legs that where covered only in loose fitting gym shorts and nothing else. He cocked an eyebrow and looked up at their faces.

“Who took my pants off?” He asked with a slightly suspicious glare. His reaction brought on some amused laughter as they all pointed at Banner who shrugged with a nod.

“I mean I am a Doctor Steve.” He answered and the Captain huffed a small laugh, eyes half closed in bliss at the massaging sensation.

“Thanks Doc,…” Steve chuckled and closed his eyes for a moment and then swallowed and looked back up at their faces. “Thank you all,… for everything.” He spoke softly and sincerely making eye contact with each one.

“No problem Cap,… Told you we got your back!... Now just relax,… we will bring you something to eat and then debrief after.” Sam insisted and Steve swallowed and nodded in acceptance, realizing that he was starting to feel better but was still mostly under the effects of the virus that had hit him harder than anything had since before getting the Serum all those years ago.

“Glad to have you back Rogers!” Natasha smile as she kissed his forehead. Steve was grateful he had the Avenger’s and tried to focus on how good the massage felt on his aching body that was still battling through the effects of the virus. His brow creased as he considered how Bucky must be feeling right then and sent a silent prayer to a God he was no longer sure he believed in to provide Bucky some relief from his misery and to keep him safe until Steve could find him. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Asset lay shivering and covered in a sheen of sweat, curled up in the back seat of a stolen car parked behind a vacant strip mall 20 miles from the location of the final base. He gritted his teeth in pain and tried to suppress his need to vomit. His whole body felt hot and cold and aching but his left side was on fire, the wound radiating heat and the smell of infection. He was panting hard as he stared at the remaining three injections, the last of the medicine that would help him get through his mission. He had to wait,… had to use them right before he went into the base, but that was still hours away.

The Soldier tried to ignore his intense physical discomfort and focus instead on trying to remember, not just Captain America,… but before that,… when he was a small blond boy named Stevie. He closed his eyes as he pictured the blond boy smiling up at him with a shy grin, hiding a book behind his back and shaking his head.

“You can’t see it yet,… Not till it’s done!.... It’s a surprise Bucky.” The boy insisted, with a stubborn look in his eyes despite his playful smile. Stevie like to drawl,… he was an artist,…he was good. Was the Captain an artist still?... Or was art a waste of time?... What purpose did it serve other than tactical sketches and depictions of targets. The Soldier decided that it didn’t matter anyway and wanted to distract himself with more good memories. He tried to picture the woman with her kind blue eyes and the little girl who wore her hair in ribbons. The Woman was in a kitchen, singing along with a song on the radio,… the little girl was laughing and so was he,… Bucky was singing and laughing,…and he was small,…. A child.

The Soldier’s eyes creaked open and suddenly the happy memory left him feeling so alone and empty. He wanted to see them,… he wanted to sing and laugh again,… but he didn’t know how,… he didn’t know how to feel that way again and he let out a choked sob of despair. How was he going to prove he could be the Asset Bucky Barnes again if he didn’t know how. The memories where just glimpses back in time that only made him feel all the more confused and detached. He was exhausted and sick, but his heart ache for the connection to his past made him feel so much worse and he found himself fighting back tears as he tried to remind himself that it would all be better soon, he would be back with the Captain soon and Stevie would help end the confusion and the pain. 

He twisted uncomfortably in the cramped back seat and opened the door to throw up the water he had been carefully sipping. He shuddered and growled in pain at the agony in his side then dropped his head back down against the cigarette stained car seat upholstery with a groan and glared at the time on the dash board, 6:30 pm. He would strike the base just after midnight but would stake it out as soon as night fell in case the Avengers got there and wanted to attack sooner as they were far less interested in stealth infiltration it would appear. Just a few more hours of misery and then he could use the injections to induce the numbness and adrenaline rush that would help him preform his best. Or at least help him fight on two feet he hoped.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Rumlow sat alone in the almost desolate base, all Hydra personnel and intel had been evacuated except for a squad of twenty men, sheep willing to sacrifice their lives. The High counsel was furious with Rumlow and called his plan foolish and wasteful after the loss at the last based that failed to capture the Soldier or take down Captain America. He didn’t care, just shrugged and watched as the pathetic cowards packed up everything they could and ran. He didn’t care if Hydra’s heads didn’t understand the type of warfare he was committing against Captain America and his Avengers. Brock understood what he was doing, and he also knew that chances were he was not going to live past that night. He chuckled as he drooped a final video into an envelope and addressed it to Captain America and his friends the Avengers. He smirked as he wondered how the team of heroes would handle the footage of the Winter Soldier murdering Howard and Maria Stark and after forcing their car to crash. He nodded in satisfaction feeling comforted by the fact that even if part of his plan failed and if he wasn’t around to see how it all played out he could rest easy knowing Ironman would try to crush The Soldier and Captain America would never let that happen. Or if the Soldier’s programing held up and he followed Rumlow’s orders it would leave the team completely gutted either way.

Crossbones looked up at the clock, 11:45 PM. He shifted in his seat watching the video monitors and scanning the perimeter of the base.

“Common you son of a bitch!.... I know you’re out there Bucky boy,… come home to Daddy!” He spoke into the loudspeaker with a snickering laugh as his voice projected out of the base. It was only a matter of time and he cracked his knuckles in anticipation. Things were about to get interesting.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

It was 11:45 PM when the Avenger’s loaded the quinjet with one slightly worse for wear Captain America who swore he felt fine but looked like he needed another day of rest. Steve was gripping his gloved hands together as he considered the intel SHEILD had given them only a few hours earlier. There had been a mass exodus of Hydra agents fleeing the base throughout the day and most of them had been picked off a few at a time by SHEILD field agents who tracked them down in airports, train stations, bus stops and private runways, only a few making it out of the country purposely so that they could be tracked back to other bases abroad. The consensus after some intensive interrogation, was that Crossbones had made it his mission to use the Winter Soldier against Captain America a personal vendetta and the organization heads had withdrawn their support and cut ties but had not ordered he be taken out. That meant that Rumlow was most likely still at the base, and Bucky would be there, he had to be there because if he wasn’t, Steve honestly didn’t know what he would do.

Natasha was sitting across from The Captain watching him carefully, aware that he was sitting on the edge of his seat and that he was trying not to shake. Whether it was the anxiety, eagerness, some residual effects of the Flue like virus or a combination of all three she wasn’t sure but she had a feeling that unless this evening ended with Barnes safely brought back to the Tower, Steve was going to completely loose his shit and that was not something she wanted to deal with. She looked over at Clint who was also watching Steve and he gave her a nod of acknowledgement that they were on the same page. 

The Captain had been trying to head to the base since the moment he had opened his eyes that evening and was only stalled by the reassurance that SHIELD had surveillance drones in stealth mode monitoring the base that would signal the moment there was movement detected at the perimeter. Sam was on his left, talking to Steve in low tones, reassuring him that whatever condition the team found Bucky in they would help him recover. He also insisted on repeat that they couldn’t have done anything differently despite his earlier statement about canvasing outside of Pittsburg when he thought Steve was still asleep. Sam paused as he and Steve looked up at Clint who answered his phone with a single, ‘Understood.’ He shut the phone and all eyes were on him as he nodded.

“The drones picked up movement at the north east perimeter,… no facial recognition but something metal reflected light.” Clint stated and they all knew what that meant.

“How long till we arrive?” The Captain demanded, wishing he was there already and still not understanding why they wanted to arrive after Bucky. He was convinced that his friend would not run again if he could just talk with him and explain to Bucky that he was safe and would be cared for and protected. However, Natasha had expressed doubt and simply stated that he had not shown up at the other base after The Avengers where already there, possibly intimidated by the presence of SHIELD and so many active combatants. If he was injured, he would be more likely to use his sniper skills or stealth infiltration then opt for a frontal attack and so the with less people Steve could get that face time he said would be all he needed. Natasha wasn’t so sure that Captain America’s familiarity would be enough to convince the Winter Soldier to surrender and neither were the others but they were willing to back his play. 

“Be there in less then 22 minutes Cap.” Tony offered as Jarvis remotely flew the Quinjet through the night air. Steve sat forward with his face in his hands and muttered softly, a prayer to keep Bucky safe, the same mantra he had been repeating in his mind since walking up only hours earlier. Sam watched him with a thoughtful expression and decided he needed to get Steve distracted from his worry and get him talking instead.

“Tell us about him.” Sam spoke with a soft smile and Steve looked up with an arched eyebrow. Natasha sat across from him and nodded with a smile of her own. He took in a deep sigh and shrugged again; voice strained with emotion.

“Bucky was the best guy I knew. He was always well liked, at school and in the neighborhood. He had a great sense of humor,…. always liked making people laugh and smile, but he was also respected. He cared an awful lot what other people thought of him, always wanted to look his best, and make his parents proud. He had this confidence that people were attracted to…not arrogance,…just,…a way that seemed like he was always in control,… would stay calm in a fight,… could stand between two guys bigger then him and talk them down,… start cracking jokes to make them forget what they were even arguing about.” Steve smirked, eyes distant and remembering. 

“He was my opposite in so many ways,… I would get in fights all the time,… bite off more than I could chew and then get mad at him for dragging me out….. I acted tough but ….” Steve’s smile faltered and he sighed. “I was use to people looking down on me, fellas liked to bully me and dames would just laugh at me, never really wanted to dance with a shrimp they might step on…I just tried to pretend it didn’t bother me,… Act like I didn’t care what anybody thought of me.” Steve realized he had been rambling, letting his stream of consciousness take him back to the past and a reality that no longer mattered for either of them. He swallowed and looked over at Sam with confusion, feverish mind still messing with his ability to think straight.

“He sounds like he was a good friend Cap!” Falcon answered with a small nod and Steve’s face relaxed a fraction as he exhaled and looked back up at his teammate, eyes blinking back the wetness. 

“Yeah,… he was the Best.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The Asset, formerly known as the Winter Soldier but soon to be reassigned as Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, injected the last of the three syringes directly into the wound sight, eyes burning wet as he shook in pain. He let out a grunt of relief as he threw the needle aside and leaned against a tree, sweating, brow smudged with dirt. His blue eyes were large and dilated but became focused as he shook, the effects of the amphetamine steroid coursing through him and fueling his will to fight. He let out a few deeper breaths but could not steady his panting or ease the strain on his chest, heart beat rapid. With gritted teeth the Soldier told himself to get up and go, that the Avengers would arrive soon and he would be able to submit to Captain America and present him with 11 of the 12 base’s intel. The Captain would be proud and would accept him back as his own personal Asset.

He shifted slightly and looked up at the almost silent whirling noise that was up in the sky far above. He listened to the nearly inaudible sound and guessed that there were stealth drones somewhere watching and had likely spotted him. He pondered for a moment if they belonged to Hydra or to SHIEID and the Avengers. Before he could contemplate any further another sound caught his attention and his head shot up.

A sinister voice crackled over a loud speaker calling out to him, a taunt and a challenge. The Soldier narrowed his eyes, he recognized that voice,… it was Commander Rumlow, and he knew the Soldier was there. He paused momentarily as he considered the fact that this felt very much like a trap and was curious at the lack of perimeter guards, only counting six visible from his surveillance. He wondered just how many people would be down below the old button factory, considering the possibility that Hydra had already cleared out all essential personnel and intel as they obviously knew he would be coming.

The Winter Soldier gave a shudder as a memory flash ripped through his mind, a sharp distinct shot of pain in his already aching head. He blinked rapidly and his eyes narrowed as he let out a low growl of anger. Rumlow had used the leather book with the star,… He knew the code words that triggered the Winter Soldier’s programing. The flash of memory filled him with rage, and he want to tare the Commander apart limb from limb but, it also scared him. The Soldier did not fully understand how the programing worked but he did know that usually he was wiped first before they read the words. He also had some vague memories of other times when code words were used to trigger compliance that was more for paralysis or obsolete obedience rather than mission ready. The simple truth was he didn’t know how many different codes there were and if they would still work on him after more than three months without being wiped.

He considered waiting, counting on the Avenger’s to show up and draw attention while he quietly slipped inside. But another part of his brain recognized that he wasn’t sure how long his medicine would last and he knew that he was starting to feel the peak of his rush and his performance would soon start to wane. His head was pounding, sweat dripping down his face as he battled with his distracted mind to determine best course of action. He needed to prove himself to the Captain and he wanted to slit the Commander’s throat, those impulses stronger than his tactical reasoning that urged him to consider how this mission may go very wrong. With determination the Soldier nodded to himself, it was time, he was going in.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Rumlow watched the surveillance cameras get taken out, one at a time and grinned as over the walkie talkies the few remaining Hydra pons began to shout in panic. The Soldier was coming in full force and ready to fight despite his injuries. Crossbones nodded in modest respect of the Assets talents as he had still not seen a trace of the Solider on any of the cameras, just the sudden static and black out. Sounds of running boots and frantic sprays of bullets could be heard echoing in the mostly empty base as Men yelled and cursed before being silenced.

He stood up and stretched, putting on his mask as he headed for the next room over that contained the bass’s mantaince chair. He had wheeled the Cryo-tank into the corner and a metal exam table on the other side with an assortment of surgical equipment. He had even gone so far as splashing some blood over the cold metal surface just to give it the most disturbing appearance. He knew a great deal about Hydra’s Asset and that his mind had been healing and recovering some memories. He also suspected that the sight of those familiar objects would likely cause a negative reaction and serve as a distraction at the very least giving Rumlow a possible upper hand. However, He also knew it could very well backfire and fill the Asset with rage making the trigger words less effective, but he was a gambling man and would take his chances. Besides, if his plan did work, it would be a perfect staging area to destroy Captain America and he smirked as he surveyed the scene he set.

There was the sound of a loud creaking, metal being twisted and broken, the latch to the secure area was disabled. Rumlow put on his weaponized battering ram glove and took a stance, ready to strike. He didn’t have to wait long before the Soldier appeared, armed to the teeth and careful as he approached. He looked around the doorway into the room with his gun drawn and instantly fired 8 rounds at Rumlow who’s armor that was bullet proof. The Commander charged forward into the gun fire and swung at the Asset who dove out of the way and rolled throwing a detonation device that magnetized to Crossbones chest plate. Rumlow acted quickly to disable it, well versed in all of Hydra’s toys and threw it out the door, the explosion still shaking the foundation. 

The Asset was up and charging but Rumlow hit him with the battering ram that sent him crashing back against the chair. Instantly he gave a hiss of pain, grabbing his left side and as he struggled to his feet he looked at the chair and scrambled away from it, eyes wide with fear. Rumlow blind sighted him with the battering ram again but the Asset saw it at the last second and blocked it with his metal arm, the force still driving him back and his left side aching but he was on his feet reaching for another gun when he heard a word that made his blood run cold.

“красный” -Red

The Soldier growled and began firing again at Rumlow only to have the Commander strike him again with the battering ram, this time sending him stumbling into the steel exam table. His breathing became panicked as shoved away from the tortuous object, a memory flash of his own screaming echoing in his head before another word struck him with equal force bringing him to his knees.

“скользящий узел”- Slipknot

The Asset continued to fire at Rumlow as he screamed out and tried to get back on his feet.

“снежный сугроб”- Snowbank

He growled in rage and shook, as he tried to reload his gun, flesh hand shaking, and knees locked on the ground.

“домашний скот”- Livestock

His whole body was almost convulsing against the words as he jammed the magazine back into the gun and screamed pointing it at Crossbones again.

“кувалда”-Sledgehammer 

His body felt stiff and he gritted his teeth as he tried to pull the trigger, panicked breaths escaping as his heart hammered in his chest.

“заземленный”- Grounded.

His arm lowered and his breath chocked in his chest, eyes wide, a tremor moved through him and then he was still, on his knees and unable to move. It was too late, he was frozen, and he knew, he knew it was over.

“певунья”- Songbird

Crossbones spoke the last word of the code and grinned from under his mask as the Asset’s eyes glazed over, his breathing evened out and he grew still despite the constant shaking that seemed beyond his failing bodies control. The gun fell loose from his fingers and he remained completely motionless kneeling, awaiting orders. 

“That’s my good boy!” Crossbones took slow steps toward him and reached out one hand to pet his head.

“I’ve missed you Soldier.” This was not mission ready, this was complete obedience and somewhere within the Soldier’s fragmented mind, Bucky Barnes was screaming.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
The Quinjet landed and Steve was leaping out of it before the ramp had even lowered, running full speed ahead into the pitch black night toward the old factory 80 yards ahead. The others where behind him and if they called his name he didn’t know because all he could hear was his heart pounding in his ears and all he could think was BUCKY! He was inside in seconds, barley noticing the random HYDRA bodies the Soldier had left in his wake. Steve was ready to kick down every door when Ironman appeared through a window in the far right corner.

“Cap, over here!...” Stark pushed through a doorway that lead down to the basement where a high-tech metal door had already been broken and a security camera disabled. 

Steve bolted through it instantly, throwing his body against every obstacle as if he was a living battering ram. The Avengers were right behind him and could tell Steve was not using precaution and so spread out to watch his back as they raced through the underground labyrinth, moving around the scattered dead. Steve stopped abruptly when the hall lead to an intersection that split off into six different directions instead of four. He looked up at Stark as he landed next to him  
“Which way?!?!” He demanded panting harder then he normally would as he shook off a bout of nausea still feeling the effects of the virus, the green underground lights turning his stomach.

“We gotta go left and down,… Only two living heat signatures left in this place and I am guessing Barnes is one of them!” Stark looked to the left and Jarvis quickly mapped the rout. He pointed up and Steve was off, running down the hallway with such speed that when he got to the end he used his Shield to bounce off of the wall and keep going as Tony yelled “Right.”

“Jesus!” Stark grumbled as he flew seconds behind and eyed the huge shield sized dent in the reinforced steel wall. He glanced over his shoulders and saw the others close behind, except Bruce who agreed to wait back at the Quinjet unless the Hulk was needed. When he looked back up he came to an abrupt holt at the bottom of the stares as Steve was standing stock still just inside the doorway. Tony almost collided with him and stopped hard.

“What the….” But before he could finish his sentence his words caught as he too stood still just to the Captain’s right. “Shit.” He breathed out.

There in the middle of the room, surrounded by the Mantaince Chair, Cryo-tank and a Surgical table with blood and restraints, was Bucky, kneeling with a gun in his metal hand and finger on the trigger, pointed directly at his own left temple. His eyes were distant and unfocused, glazed over and fixed on nothing. He was shaking but otherwise completely motionless, blinking slowly with shallow, wheezing breaths, long dark hair sticking to his sweat coated face. Steve felt his heart stop and watched in slow motion as a single drop of blood dripped down his friend’s swollen bottom lip and joined a small puddle on the floor. The Captain looked at Bucky’s familiar face and his gut twisted as he instantly saw the red bruising along his cheek and the bloody gash at his hair line. The Captain let out a whispered breath, eyes wide in panic and hand reaching up.

“Buck…”His voice sounded so small and scared in the silent room but was followed by a loud, cruel laugh echoing from the far corner where Rumlow was leaning back with a cigarette, taking a long drag beneath his helmet. Steve’s head shot over toward the sound, shield up and ready to through it hard enough to decapitate Rumlow even through his armor.

“I wouldn’t do that Cap!” Rumlow snickered as he ashed his cigarette. Steve was glaring at him with hatred as he heard the others catch up and come to a stop, instantly realizing what was going on.

“He’s ready to pull that trigger the second I get taken down!...Wouldn’t want to be the reason Bucky Barnes Blew his brains out,… would ya?” Crossbones asked with a sadistic chuckle.

“Rumlow,… let him go,… this is just between you and me!” The Captain made his voice strong and firm despite the fear that gripped his heart, eyes darting from the masked figure to his kneeling friend who was swaying just slightly, his blinks slower and body shaking harder.

“Awww,… You’re so sweet Rodgers,… acting like this is all about me and you,…you and me,… but I know the truth,… I know that Captain America is just a pathetic faggot and that the best way to hurt you is to rip out your fucking heart!” Rumlow laughed as he walked towards Bucky slowly, smoking the cigarette as if he had all the time in the world.

“Rumlow,…Don’t you touch him God Dammit!” The Captain warned, taking a step forward, eyes going from Bucky to the man now standing right behind him. With a huff of laughter Crossbones suddenly reached out and grabbed the kneeling man by his hair, yanking back hard as he roughly held his jaw turning it up at an angle. The Soldier struggled to remain on his knees and adjusted his shoulder so that he could keep the gun firmly pressed to his own temple, brow twitching slightly with a frown.

“Can’t ya tell Steven,… I already touched your pretty little Bucky,… I think he likes getting smacked around a bit,…Gets him excited!” Rumlow grinned beneath his mask and Steve’s face grew red with anger.

“What do you want?” The Captain spat out between gritted teeth as he glared with immense hatred, ready to offer anything to a Man he wanted to kill.

“What do I want?!?....” Rumlow laughed as he let go of Bucky’s jaw but used his long hair to yanked his head back and forth like a puppeteer while the Soldier struggled to keep the gun pressed to his head the whole time.

“I want to watch you suffer!” He yelled out with venom at the Captain before taking his lit cigarette and jamming it into The Soldier’s right eye. Bucky’s breath chocked as he convulsed but kept the gun to his head.

“NO!” Steve screamed and after that it was pure chaos. He threw his shield at Rumlow as his feet left the ground and he dove straight into Bucky, hand grabbing his metal wrist. Rumlow was knocked back hard as the Captain landed ontop of the Soldier and knocked the gun out of his hand and across the room. Instantly, The Soldier, one eye shut and watering, began to fight back, struggling against the Captain as he reached frantically for the gun, far more distressed with his noncompliance of Rumlow’s orders then his burned retina.

“Pull the trigger Soldier!” Rumlow ordered right before he was hit by a blast from Stark, then another and another.

The Winter Soldier screamed in desperation as he fought against the Captain twisting hard and trying to reach the gun.

“BUCK NO!.....STOP!” Steve begged as he tried to with strain his friend who elbowed him hard in the face and lunged for the weapon. Sam was there and grabbed the gun about to take off But the Asset grabbed his leg and yanked him down to the ground hard, crawling over him to get the gun. The Widow managed to catch it in the air as Sam threw it and she tried to make a run for it but the Soldier was tackling her into Barton who managed to catch her fall but received a flesh punch to his face that left him dazed. The Soldier grabbed the gun and hastily put it back to his temple with panting breaths prepare to squeeze the trigger. Steve was there, kneeling infront of him, Blues eyes over a bloody noise as he shook his head and grabbed Bucky’s metal wrist with one hand and garbed his shoulder with the other pinning him against the wall.

“Don’t do it Buck,… Please,…Please, just listen to me!... Put the gun down!” Steve demanded, voice a harsh, choked plea. The Soldier flinched slightly and paused, hearing a contradicting order from an unidentified Authority figure. He was panting and shuddered, his one open eye blinked slowly, gaze strait forward at Steve’s chest otherwise not moving. Off to the side Ironman had completely incapacitated Rumlow and stayed back, watching like the others with bated breath. The room was still and the only sounds were Steve’s voice and the Asset’s harsh gasps of air as his body threatened to give out from exhaustion and illness.

“Bucky,… Put down the Gun,… That’s an order Sergeant!” Steve’s voice was desperate and determined, his eyes wet as he stared hard at his best friend, the man he loved since childhood. He kept one hand on Bucky’s metal wrist, applying steady pressure to lower the gun, his other hand left his shoulder and came up to gently hold the side of his friend’s face, half covered in blood from the gash in his scalp. The Soldier blinked again and his one blue eye slowly rose to meet the Captain’s, glossy and still unfocused but with a sign of developing recognition behind the dull, half hooded gaze. He looked at Steve’s face with confusion and somewhere inside his mind a voice broke through that sounded more convincing then the growled orders Rumlow had shouted.

‘ That’s the Captain,… He’s your real Handler,… Comply! Comply! Comply!’ The Asset studied the face with a small frown, forehead creasing as his grip became less tense and Steve was able to lower the gun from his friend’s head. Carefully, with a steady but firm grip Steve managed to open Bucky’s metal fist and retrieve the gun, handing it behind him to Natasha who quickly retreated with silently, removing the temptation completely. Steve did not break eye contact as he continued to hold the side of his friend’s face, his other hand coming back up to wipe the blood mixed with tears from under Bucky’s injured eye that was closed over the burn. Steve felt a stab of fear as his bare finger tips brushed over his friends fevered skin. 

“It’s alright Buck,…Your safe now!” The Captain chocked out. Bucky continued to stare up at him with one eye as he shook, face no longer blank but confused and captivated, his memories trying to break through the programing. He blinked a few more times as he felt his mind trying to catch up but everything was becoming blurry and he felt so hot and sick. He blinked again and tried to refocus, tried to stay awake, to follow orders but he was being dragged under and as his left eye blinked shut again and refused to open he let out a small grown before his body shuddered and he went limp. Steve grabbed him before he could collapse and pulled him to his chest protectively as he let out a sob of relief.

“I got you Bucky!.... I got you pal,…your gonna be okay now,… I got you!” Steve whispered into the unconscious man’s hair, pressing kisses to his filthy and bleeding scalp as he held him securely in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes: Okay,… Breath,… Let the heart ach of healing and recovery from trauma begin! See you next Chapter!


	6. I know you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Now we can begin the process of fixing all the damage and healing all the wounds.

Starlight  
The Wailin' Jennys  
I have come back to you broken  
Take me home  
And my body bears this trouble  
Take me home  
Take me back to my beginning  
Before the hell of night set in  
And I came to this border  
Take me home  
I have toured the endless starlight  
Take me home  
I have shattered under midnight  
Take me home  
There are no vultures in this clearing  
Except the ones who brought me here  
And I'll no longer feed them  
Take me home  
Kingdom come, their will was done  
And now the earth is far away  
From any kind of heaven  
Hallowed be these frozen fields  
And every single one of us  
Still left in want of mercy  
Take us home  
Now the bells stand still and hollow  
Take me home

The Captain had carried his unconscious friend out of the Hydra base with wet eyes over a locked jaw, looking down at him with anxious worry. Ironman volunteered to stay behind with Hawkeye as they waited for SHEILD to arrive and take Crossbones into custody and clean out the base. The Avengers had agreed quietly after Steve headed for the Quinjet that it would not be a good idea to have Rumlow on board with the Captain and Barnes for his own safety and theirs. Bruce had already set up a stretcher with an IV attached and when Steve walked up the ramp cradling Bucky in his arms he took one look at the Captain’s stoic expression, face still stained with his own blood and just nodded as he pointed at the makeshift medical area. Steve had no words and so nodded back laying Bucky down gently, before whipping sweaty hair out of his blood-stained face.

Sam and Natasha where right behind him, the Widow speaking in low tones to Bruce as she explained what had happened. Sam was at his side and put a hand on his shoulder.

“We got him man,…He’s safe,… we’re bringing him home!” Sam offered the reassurance and Steve just swallowed and nodded, looking up briefly at Sam before beginning to unfasten Bucky’s tactical gear so they could start the IV and monitor his vitals. Natasha punched in the coordinates to the Avenger’s tower as Bruce joined them, preparing the IV for his patient. As Steve’s finger’s numbly opened Bucky’s tactical vest he took in a sharp gasp, Sam and Bruce instantly leaning over to see what had alarmed him. The men were momentarily shocked still by the sight of the blood soaked bandage around Bucky’s torso and the dark green lines that had spread through his chest and up to his neck.

“Jesus!” Sam whispered and Steve remembered how to breath as he hastily opened the bandage and looked in horror at the black and purple flesh that surrounded a bullet hole, infected and spreading, heat radiating off his skin.

“The virus,… he couldn’t get the bullet out!” The Captain exclaimed as he looked up with panic and desperation at Bruce. Instantly they were all moving, Steve lifting Bucky’s limp torso off the bed for Sam to help remove his tactical jacket. They all saw where the blood poisoning had spread, wrapping around his left side, green lines of death inching toward angry scar tissue that surrounded the seam of his metal shoulder. Steve’s eyes were wide and his jaw open in an expression of silent grief as he carefully laid Bucky back down using his shaking finger tips to trace along the Hydra prosthetic that looked to have been welded into his bones, the scares puckered and burned. Steve’s eyes were locked on his friend’s shoulder until Sam pushed him aside with an understanding look and nod before turning back toward Bucky to fasten the reinforced restraints. Steve moved out of the way and stood by his friend’s head, feeling helpless as he watched Bruce wipe the infected area of the bullet wound to clear the skin before taking a needle of local anesthesia, a super soldier version he had designed for Captain America if he should ever need it. Bruce measured off a large dose into the thick needle and let out a breath before diving in with medical precision. Bucky’s eyes fluttered open with a sharp gasp before clamping shut and his body twisted and convulsed as he let out a cry of pain and fear.

“It’s okay,….Your not with Hydra,… breath Bucky…. We need to get the bullet out.” Steve placed a hand on each side of his friends head to keep him from thrashing as Sam held out the medical scanner and a hazardous waste receptacle for Bruce who hastily disposed of the syringe. Bucky gritted his teeth, with his eyes shut tight, and strained against the metal straps that held him in place.

“He’s burning up!.... Temperature is at 109,…Sam grab the cold compresses from the med freezer!” Banner spoke with calm urgency as he carefully moved the scanner along Bucky’s contorting body that shook violently as he panted and cried out.

"Can you give him anything for the pain?… Anything that could at least put him under so he's not in agony?" Sam asked as he returned with handfuls of the adhesive gel pads that released cooling waves continuously. With Steve’s help he began placing them on the Sergeant’s body even as he contorted and convulsed in the restraints, clearly disoriented and unsure where he was but desperate to escape.

"He's so sick right now and with those god awful injections he was using,… I just don't know Sam.… I'm afraid of overloading his system with anything else. " Bruce shrugged helplessly as they looked down, Bucky was twisting in the restraints with a desperate cry, struggling with all of his effort before instantly falling back onto the stretcher panting and shaking with a strangled whimper.

"It's OK Bucky,… I know you're in pain, I'm so sorry pal, open your eyes for me….I need you to look… Look at me, please? " Steve's voice shook slightly, crouching low by his friend head as he tried to reassure the struggling man who was gritting his teeth in obvious pain. 

Despite the chaos and excruciating pain, the Asset recognized the voice that spoke to him low by his ear and turned his head intending to comply with the stated orders from his handler. He struggled to open both eyes and let out a choked whimper, tears pourin down his cheeks as pain shot through his skull like a hot needle in his right eye.

"No!,… No Bucky…. God I'm so sorry, you don't have to open your eyes. I know you're in pain. I promise we’re just trying to help!”. Steve covered Bucky’s right eye gently with the palm of his hand, thumb stroking against the bloody forehead as his own anguished expression met Bucky’s left eye that shown bright with exhaustion, fear and pain. The Soldier took in a sharp gasp and blinked again, his left eye opening wide as his vision slowly became less distorted and he began to recognized The Captain's face, studying it with growing recollection of who this particular Handler was.

Bruce hovered over the shaking man who had stopped struggling, using his scanner to try and find the bullet’s location and sighed heavily as he address the Captain with a sympathetic and nervous look.

"It's deep inside behind his ribs but I can remove it as soon as we get back to the tower.… My real concern is his fever and how this blood poisoning might be affecting his neurological system." The doctor rubbed the back of his neck and look down at his patient with compassionate worry.

None of them were prepared when a trembling voice spoke between gasping breaths, sounding desperate and hopeful.

"Captain!… I…I know you… I know you!” The Soldiers voice was raw and broken but with a tone of thankful relief despite his tremendous pain as he was finally reunited with his rightful handler.

Steve smiled softly beneath wet eyes as he felt his own wave of emotions take his breath away. He simply nodded back, left hand still cradling Bucky’s face and coving his right eye as he used the other hand to stroke his sweaty, blood matted hair. 

"Yeah Bucky,… You do know me!… And I know you,… we have always been together, always….. until,…. until I lost you Bucky,… But now I have you back!" Steve blinked away the tears in his own eyes and he smiled lovingly at his friend who was staring back at him with intensity as if desperatly trying to memorize every inch of the Captain’s face. Bucky let out a small whimpered breath, eye closing as he pressed his face into Steve’s gentle touch, a shiver running through him. With a few more breaths the Soldier opened his uninjured blue eye and looked at Steve with a confused and worried frown.

"Captain?… Have you been injured,…?” The Asset stared at the bloody nose on his Handler’s face and despite his own misery and agonizing pain he felt a gut wrenching anxiety and anger that he had failed to protect his Captain.

"I'm OK Buck,… I heal fast and I will be fine,… So will you Bucky! We're going to get you healed up and help you recover!” Steve was choking on his words, overwhelmed with his emotions. The Asset was still shaking in his restraints but no longer tried to break free, simply staring at Steve desperately as if he might vanish into thin air. He was confused about how he came to be strapped down in so much pain. He was reassured by the presence of his Captain but was having difficulty remembering what had happened and why. He licked his dry lips and focused on what was most important, he had to make a mission report, let the Captain know his current status. He felt an urge to lie, embarrassed by his inadequacy and need for mantaince.

"Captain,… My physical integrity has been compromised… I was unable to extract the third bullet.… I… I have been poisoned… I am malfunctioning” He swallowed and added with a pout, brow furled and blue eye watering in pain, “Damaged in the right optical,…has affected visual capabilities,…origin of injury unknown.” The Soldier whispered his confession with shallow wheezing breaths, tone underlined with humiliation and pain, voice trembling as he felt more tears poured down his face. He had failed to prove his worth as a combat Asset and now he was requesting maintenance as if he deserved it.

"I know Bucky,… You're just sick pal… And injured, but we are on our way to the Avenger’s Tower and we will get you medical attention right away,… You just have to hang in there pal!… I need you to hold on just a little while longer Bucky,… I promise the pain will go away soon.” Steve stayed knelt down at eye level with his friend, one hand holding his face while the other ran through his sweaty locks.

“I need to attach the IV now… Need to get fluids in him.” Banner spoke softly and Steve nodded as the Doctor carefully inserted the IV needle. The Asset did not react and instead kept his attention fixed on Steve’s face. The Captain looked away for a moment and withdrew one hand to accept a washcloth from Sam with a nod of thanks, whipping away the blood from his own face hastily and then carefully doing the same for Bucky. He smiled down at his injured friend who was still breathing shallow, uneven breaths through his slightly opened mouth, one eye blinking slowly as he gazed up at Steve. 

The Soldier could hardly comprehend how gentle Steve was cleaning the blood and grime from his face, feeling a deep sense of comfort despite the burning pain that throbbed through his body. He could not suppress the shaking from the strain of trying to lay still, needing the soft, soothing touch like it was a drug. He looked at the Captain’s face, the kind smile beneath sad eyes and all he wanted to do was curl up into him and hold on tight. The Asset swallowed and closed his eye as he tried to come to terms with how he was feeling. Even with his distorted and fragmented thinking, he knew with absolute certainty that his connection to the Captain was different than any other Handler he could remember and even those he couldn’t quite picture but still haunted his dreams. He didn’t understand what was happening or why he felt so good when he really felt so bad, but he knew this man, and he trusted him without a shadow of a doubt.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

In only the few weeks since Tony Stark had first offered to house the violent, mentally unstable and physically ill Winter Soldier at the Avenger’s tower, Pepper pots had managed to gather a construction crew, interior designer and a medical staff considered experts in their various fields of practice. The Doctors and nurses had been given in-depth background checks and interviewed by SHEILD personnel as well as thoroughly briefed on the rather extensive and intensely traumatic biography of one, Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Each staff member who would have direct contact with Bucky was well aware of what kind of Psychological torture and conditioning the man had been through and the crimes he had been forced to commit. For this reason, Steve had been insistent on giving the final approval of the medical staff before they were informed of what their expertise was required for and who their patient would be.

Upon arriving at the Tower close to 2 am, Bucky had once more succumb to his utter exhaustion and as Bruce and Sam helped weel the stretcher down the ramp, Natasha was already ahead of them briefing the head Psychiatrist and Surgeon, both of whom still deferred to Dr. Banner. Steve was at Bucky’s side, glancing down at his pale, sweat drenched friend, a breathing mask on and IV attached to his flesh arm. The Doctors and nurses greeted them with calm professionalism but where all dressed in loose fitting, colorful scrubs that had cartoon characters of the Avengers on them. It had been Natasha’s suggestion that the Medical staff avoid wearing lab coats as it could trigger a violent reaction from the Soldier. However, it was Stark who insisted on the ridiculous pattern that was actually very popular at many of the children’s’ hospitals.

Steve hesitantly backed away from his unconscious friend as the team took over while following directives from Dr. Banner heading down the hall of the medical wing. The entire floor had been redesigned with the intention of creating a space that would best help the Sergeant recover and avoid triggering negative memories and added stress. The hall way was wide open with walls painted Bucky’s favorite color of sky blue. Large framed photographs of New York from the 1930’s hung every few yards and In-between them there were large house plants hanging or in artistic ceramic pots on the floor. Down the center of the hallway the tiles where an ivory white marble with gray swirls. A similar decor was in the main hospital room that was extremely large and resembled more of a penthouse suite then a place of medical necessity. The walls where full of more photographs but of natural scenes such as a sunset over the grand canyon, The Northern lights, sunflower fields, marine life and majestic woodlands. The outside wall was constructed entirely of Hulk proff glass windows that overlooked New York city and could be tinted and shaded to match the sky blue walls if needed.

The Captain entered with Sam and Natasha at his sides, steering him toward the opposite side of the medical suite from where the team of doctors and nurses were transferring Bucky from the stretcher to the Hospital bed, rotating him onto his front before strapping him down with padded restraints designed to hold him still without harm. The side of the room Steve was on had been designed as a comfortable living room and small kitchen. The furniture was soft, navy blue leather couches and chairs with a soft, thick burgundy and gold rug in the middle. A large plastic, shatter proof coffee table was in the center and had cabinets underneath filled with games, and DVDs. There was a Big screen TV, currently playing a nature documentary on silent and on eitherside where two large shatter proof book shelves bolted into the wall. There where entire collections of classic fiction as well as non-fiction options with English and Russian language versions side by side and a copy of every biography ever written about James Buchanan Barnes, Captain America and the Howling Commando’s.

Natasha took a seat on the arm of one of the chairs, facing the other side of the room where Bruce was instructing the medical team as they prepared to remove the bullet from The Winter Soldier’s back as it was closer to the surface of his skin, having gone almost all the way through his body and currently embedded in his spleen. Sam went over to the small partial kitchen and opened the fridge, taking out a strawberry protein shake and then grabbed a handful of high density protein bars from a cabinet before couching the Captain to stumble back onto the couch and shoving both into his hands.

“Eat,… Drink,… I am gonna take a shower and change.,… then I am going to bring you something to change into too.” Sam added with a nod.

“I have clothes in my room already,… I’m staying here with Bucky.” Steve answered still watching the medical team over on the other side. Sam sighed and nodded, aware that Steve had insisted that they also build an additional two rooms that where connected by a large bathroom. Each of the rooms had a large bed, closet, chest of drawers, desk, two arm chairs, a TV and one wall was a sliding glass door that lead to a shared balcony over looking Manhattan and in the distance the Brooklyn bridge. The main difference was that the room designated for the Winter Soldier could be locked from the outside but not from within.

Sam looked up at Natasha who gave a small nod, signaling she would keep watch over the Captain as he watched over Bucky. With a weary sigh Sam nodded back and then gave Steve a tired salute before heading to his own apartment within the tower a few floors up. Steve sat stiff on the edge of the coach, eyes glued to the medical staff and his friend who was beginning to stir as they used large needles to inject more of the super soldier anesthesia before they began the surgical process of removing the bullet. The Captain held the protein bar and shake , oblivious of his hands as his undivided attention was across the room. Natasha watched him with a compassionate curiosity, having never seen Steve so intensely consumed, the Captain usually taking in everything around him, always aware of his environment.

The Soldier could tell he was face down and restrained, his clothing removed and sharp needles priced his flesh as he shook from fever. He flexed slightly upon waking but then lay still, resigning himself to whatever god awful procedure he was about to endure. He could not remember what mission he had just been on or how he ended up in such a debilitated state, obviously poisoned or drugged, with an agonizing wound to his left side. The Asset would comply, he knew he required mantaince but for some reason he felt more distressed then he normally did after missions that resulted in bodily harm. He could not see anyone around him, his face in a padded hole which was oddly soft and supportive. His mind could barely consider this fact however as he heard a voice address him but it wasn’t an order,… and she called him by a name,… a name he was familiar with.

“Sergeant Barnes,…I know you are awake,… and I know you are in a lot of pain… We are injecting you with a numbing agent so we can remove the bullet from your spleen.” It was a woman’s voice, soft and gentle. He felt another stab of a needle and he let out a whimper that he quickly swallowed back, confused and horrified at his display of weakness. He knew he should remain silent unless given a directive to talk. Other noises were unnecessary and distracted the Doctors. He would be punished for wasting Hydra’s time by failing to control his weakness. This thought made his gut turn with nausea and he gritted his teeth, determined to stay silent throughout the mantaince.

Dr. Banner looked down at his tense patient who was shaking in pain and possibly fear, stripped bare and face down with a sheet low over his buttock. He felt his heart ach in sympathy and as he looked up across the room he saw Steve’s desperate expression, gripping the food but still as a statue, still dressed in his uniform with Natasha off to his side with her own worried but guarded expression, meeting Bruce’s eyes with a look of mutual concern. Dr. Banner looked back at one of the Surgeons who specialized in combat medicine, having removed the shrapnel from Tony’s heart only a year before. He waited patiently for Dr. Banner to give the nod before he carefully lowered his scalpel and began to cut. 

It took almost 45 minutes before the bullet was removed and during that time the Soldier continued to shake and wheeze for breath, temperature climbing and mind becoming delirious. He blacked out twice and each time came back confused, feeling sick but with a dull aching pain that seemed numbed and distant somehow. The Soldier tried to consider his situation, to remember what he wasn’t remembering, but continued to fall back into programed conditioning and zoned out, focused on complying. When at last there was a sigh of relief from the Doctors around him, the Soldier gave a shuddered breath, yearning for the empty solitude of Cryofreeze but not daring to hope he would be delivered to his icy coffin anytime soon as he would have to heal first.

The Asset lay still as he felt the Doctors and technicians loosen the restraints and then the soft gentle voice spoke again in his ear.

“Sergeant Barnes, we are bandaging the wound and then we will turn you over.” The Soldier felt another wave of confusion wash over him, unsure why Hydra was treating him so tenderly and wondering if he was delusional. He felt so tired and nauseous and sore that he was hardly able to think and tried to focus enough to comply with orders, only able to open one eye, the other stinging and throbbing in his skull. 

As he felt strong hands grasp his body to rotate him on to his back he tried to blink away the sweat and tears from his eye to see their faces. He didn’t know why he wanted to see them and that also made him feel nervous and dysfunctional but as his vision cleared in his uninjured eye he felt the confusion further muddle his mind. He was struggling to understand what was happening as he tried to reconcile the disconnect from what he was experiencing and what he remembered as his reality. He was carefully laid back with his head resting on a pillow, and despite his physical dysfunction he felt oddly comfortable. He looked at the faces around him through a half-lidded eye, blurred vision clearing slightly as he blinked over a puzzled frown at their strangely bright, cartoon scrubs. The Asset looked hard at the torso that was Infront of him, the arms working on reattaching an IV as other’s around him spoke in soft voices about his condition, discussing what should be done. The Asset studied the strange cartoons, believing that he must be hallucinating and it was likely the effects of the poison yet he felt strangely transfixed by one of the repeated images of a round circle with a star in the middle. He kept his gaze on the image, blinking in silent consideration as the doctors continue to attach tubes and IV’s into his veins and carefully placed a bandage over his right eye.

It hit him suddenly with force as he recognized the image as Captain America’s shield, Steven Grant Rodgers, his rightful Handler. Bucky blinked as he took in a shuddered breath before he spoke, voice dry and chocked.

“Captain?....Where is the Capatin!” His voice was pleading but he didn’t look up or meet their eyes, gaze lowered in submission, breaths still shallow and wheezing. Almost instantly the Doctors were stepping aside for a large figure in blue who was suddenly very close. Bucky flinched slightly as the blond man’s face came into focus and he took in a small gasp, one eye blinking wide and mouth parted.

“Hey Buck,… I’m here.” Steve spoke softly as he took his friends flesh hand, thumb rubbing over his knuckles. The Soldier forgot how to breath, gaze lost in the compassionate and tearful blue eyes that belonged to a face he knew better than his own.

“I know you…” The Soldier whispered with a broken tone as a wave of emotion stronger than anything he knew how to deal with washed over him and seeped through his programming. He let out a small sob as he stared at the Captain’s face and felt the intense confusion and desperation squeeze his chest.

“Yes Bucky,… You know me.” Steve agreed and his own words felt tight, wondering how damaged his friend’s mind had become after years of Hydra manipulation and abuse or if the fever and effects of the virus were causing his recent memory lapses. He brought his other hand up to gently hold Bucky’s face as the Soldier blinked away the tears from his eye and regarded Steve with astonished bewilderment.

There were so many thoughts racing through the Asset’s mind as he stared up at the familiar face of the man who made him feel emotions he had no context for. He let out a shuddered breath and blinked, trying to think through the chaos inside his mind as somewhere beyond the confusion his mission voice cut through and reminded him to report.

“107.” The Asset whispered, throat dry and strained. Steve looked at him and blinked before a small smile graced his face and he nodded.

“Yea,… the 107th Infantry Regiment was your unit during the war.” Steve confirmed as the Soldier continued to stare up at the Captain with his uninjured eye as if Steve’s face held all the answers.

“Safe deposit box 107… Commonwealth,… 43170….. Southern Walk Plaza……Suite 118…….Ashburn,….Virginia,…. 20148.” The Soilder whispered between wheezing breaths, blinking through his utter exhaustion as he continue to gaze up at his Handler’s face. He needed to prove his worth, to show the Captain that despite his current dysfunctional state he could still be useful and valuable as an Asset.

Steve’s brow knit together in confusion before he looked over his shoulder at Natasha who was a few feet behind him already on her phone looking up the address.  
“Commonwealth Vault and Safe Deposit Company,… it’s a private secure storage facility that allows customers to maintain anonymity and own a safe deposit box without Social Security identification.” The Widow stated as she glanced from her phone up to Steve and then to the Soldier who’s half lidded blue eye watched her with a guarded look. Steve nodded and looked back at Bucky with a soft gaze and smile.

“Okay Buck,… I’ll go there in the morning,… just rest now.” Steve suggested as he recognized the delirious exhaustion on his friend’s face.

“Captain,… one unsecured data source,… inside the combat vest,…right side, inner pocket.” The Soldier’s words began to slur and his eye lid seemed to grow heavier by the minute. Steve stroked through his mess of hair and leaned in with a reassuring nod.

“Understood,…Thank you Buck,… you don’t need to report anything else right now… We can debrief tomorrow…I need you to rest.” The Captain reassured, acknowledging that Bucky was still functioning with the mentality of the Winter Soldier, reporting to his commanding officer after a mission. He wanted to beg his friend to stop calling him Captain, but he knew that the only thing that mattered for now was helping Bucky’s body heal, then they could work on his fragmented mind. He offered a smile and nod as the Soldier lay back, breathing shallow and eye half closed but still watching the Captain.

Steve’s gaze traveled over his friend’s scared and fifthly torso looking up as a nurse walked over with a wash cloth, prepared to wipe away the grim and blood from his body with soap and water. The Captain held out his hand to take the cloth, with a look of calm insistence and she glanced over at Dr. Banner who nodded. Steve offered a small smile of thanks before taking the cloth and soapy basin of water, wanting to wash Bucky himself and feeling undeniably protective over his friend, needing to care for him and guard his privacy despite the fact that the Doctors had already stripped him of his cloths and left him naked under the thin sheet. 

“Just going to clean you up a bit Bucky,… I won’t hurt you,…no one here will,… your safe now,…you can trust me.” Steve spoke with an earnest expression, eyes meting the Soldier’s exhausted gaze before he began to softly wipe down his friends’ body. Natasha and Bruce moved away along with the other medical staff to offer some privacy; a curtain pulled around the bed. The Soldier kept his gaze locked on the Captain and felt tears trickle down his cheek marveling at the gentle and soothing sensation as his Handler carefully washed his skin, swallowing back another sob as he trembled, the touch too much and not enough.

“It’s okay Buck,… your gonna be okay,… I got you pal,… I am with you,…till the end of the line.” Steve spoke the soft reassurance as he stroked the tears from his friend’s stubbled cheek, leaning down to kiss his forehead before continuing to cleanse his body. The Soldier let out a gasp at the feeling of the lips pressed to his face and could not suppress his choked sob, unable to control the onslaught of emotions, trying to stay still but shaking as he let himself be washed clean.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Natasha and Bruce had managed to convince the Captain to take a shower and change which he did in 8 minutes, immediately back at his friend’s bed side dressed in sweats and a tee-shirt. Natasha knew he would be unwilling to go into his designated room to sleep and so had pushed one of the reclineing couch chairs over toward the Hospital bed with Bruce’s help. The Soldier had drowsily watched them with his one good eye, but averted his gaze when they made eye contact. As Steve thanked them and settled into the chair with his own weary sigh, the Widow squeezed his shoulder as she bent down and whispered that Hill had agents retrieving the Safe deposit box. Barton had gotten back to the tower and searched Bucky’s combat vest that had been left in the quinjet finding a zip drive that Stark was having Jarvis un-code and download. Bruce told him that one of the doctors was going to stay in the lab across the hall analyzing Bucky’s blood and that he would be back in the morning unless there was an emergency. The Captain nodded at them both with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes before turning back to face Bucky who was fighting to keep his one eye open. They dimed the lights and pulled the curtain around the two super soldiers before saying good night. Steve leaned forward and caressed his friend’s face softly, receiving only the smallest flinch before he gently ordered his friend to close his eye, promising to remain by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End note: So,… what ya think? The road to recovery will be paved with tears but we will see progress as we go.


	7. Who you are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: This Chapter is a bit shorter than the others but never fear, many more to come.

Steve had stayed up most of the few remaining dark hours watching over his long-lost Sergeant who despite his obvious exhaustion had restless sleep with frequent nightmares. Steve would close his eyes and begin to drift off but would reawaken as he heard small noises of distress and choked breaths. Bucky would be rolling his head on the pillow, body ridged with tension, muscles strained and mumbling in a mix of languages but mostly Russian before waking up with a harsh gasp as Steve called out to him. The Captain would wait a moment for Bucky to rapidly blink and recognize his face before gently reaching a hand out to caress his face and greasy hair while speaking calm reassurances. 

The Soldier’s breathing would slow as he blinked his heavy eye lid at Steve, and tried to focus on his Handler’s words instead of the twisted images and painful dreams that he had grown accustomed to dealing with over the past few months. He resented his bodies biological need for sleep and longed for the icy nothingness of his Cryotank, willing to deal with the initial burning pain as the frost coated his skin followed by the paralyzing fear of suffocation as his luges cramped and iced over. He could deal with those fleeting moments of agony for the deliverance of oblivion, nonexistence much preferred over waking life as Hydra’s favorite weapon. He didn’t want to close his eye and get swallowed back into the darkness and pain but he had orders to rest and the feel of the soft touches from the Captain were soothing and comforting in a way so foreign and strange. He would fall back asleep only to wake less than an hour later with another horrific dream that left him gasping and shaking. This went on through the last few hours of night and into dawn, both men barley managing to get a few precious hours of rest.

Steve’s eyes fluttered open as he heard the sounds of voices in the hospital wing outside the curtain. He wiped his groggy eyes and looked at Bucky who was already awake with his one eye open blinking at Steve with a pensive frown, brow creased. Steve offered him a soft smile and tilted his head at the intensity of his friend’s constant stare, eyes fixated on Steve’s face. He stood up and reached down with one hand and instead of flinching Bucky pressed his face into Steve’s palm like a cat desperate for affection, blue eye large and hungry as he bit his lip still looking up at the Captain.

Steve felt a sense of relief and intense fondness as he considered the small moment a victory and a sign that Bucky was beginning to trust him.  
“Hey Bucky,… How are you feeling?” Steve asked softly as his hand remain pressed against Bucky’s cheek and he used the other one to feel his sweat cover forehead, heat still radiating off his skin. 

The Soldier opened his mouth to respond but then closed it again realizing he had no idea how to properly answer the question. His brow knit in confusion and he blinked before he let out a small whisper.

“I need clarification Sir.” He answered with a dry choke, gaze searching Steve’s face as he struggled to understand what his response should be. The Soldier hated that he didn’t remember his protocols as Asset Sergeant Barnes, aware that he would have to relearn the specific expectations for behavior and required responses for optimum communication efficacy. This awareness brought a tight pressing feeling to his chest and the phantom ich in his skull from electrical currents burning his neural pathways. 

Steve’s smile dimed as he studied Bucky for a moment, his friends’ expression one of anxious uncertainty as he shook, breaths still shallow and labored. The Captain left to retrieve a bottle of water from the cabinet before lifting it to his friend’s lips with an encouraging nod.

“Your throat sounds dry Buck,…. Drink some water,… slow….” Steve offered with a calm, steady voice as he cradled Bucky’s head to help him drink, aware how sore he likely was from the virus and the infected wound. The Captain gave his Segreant a small smile as he coxed him to take sips of water while trying to discern how to bridge the gap in communication. It was obviously apparent that Bucky was responding to Steve as the Winter Soldier and he needed to know how Bucky viewed himself in relation to others as well as what thoughts were going through his head. Steve understood that there would likely be distorted logic and possibly misunderstandings, he just wasn’t sure how or when to address those issues. He thought about Sam’s advice, the VA counselor suggesting Steve keep things simple and not try to guess what the Soldier would be thinking or feeling or what he might need but to ask him and help him understand how he would be treated differently than with Hydra.

“When someone asks you ‘how are you feeling,’ it means how does your body feel,… and what are you thinking?...” Steve tried to explain in simplistic terms. “Like if your throat is dry and it hurts to talk you could tell me you need water.” Steve suggested, swallowing down his own emotions as he felt sick thinking about what Hydra had subjected Bucky to in order to shape his friend into their voiceless Slave. “And if you are in pain or uncomfortable or confused,….you could tell me and we can try to help you feel better,… I want you to feel good Bucky,… it’s important for you to tell me how you are feeling.” Steve expressed hoping his words made sense and Bucky would understand and be able to communicate his needs if not his wants. 

The Soldier consider this as he licked his wet lips and Steve let his head rest back on the pillow, putting the bottle of water off to the side. With a momentary pause the Asset determined that ‘how are you feeling’ is The Captain’s version of a status report. He kept his gaze on the Captain’s face and nodded once and then opened his mouth.

“Status Report: Current functionality…..” He hesitated slightly before he let out a deflated breath, hating that he was not able to preform as an active duty Asset for his Handler. “… below mission ready…. Significant injurie sustained to left side from poisoned bullet that has caused systematic malfunction. Visual capabilities compromised by retina damage in the right eye. Current body temperature is above normal rage and blood toxicity levels unknown Sir.” The Soldier stated with a soft gravel voice, face masked in neutrality as he shook slightly but then broke eye contact as he admitted the shameful truth he had hoped to avoid divulging.

“Working knowledge of former protocols required under designation Sergeant Barnes have not been recalled….Possible,…..” He swallowed as he faltered slightly, his gut clenching as he forced himself to be honest and truthful, knowing he would be punished for withholding relevant information. With a full body shudder he could not suppress he spoke again, words quiet and small. 

“Possible recalibration is needed and……..reprograming.” He swallowed and closed his eye as his jaw clenched and he tried to stay calm but the thought of going back into the chair for recalibration and then being subjected to reprograming made him nauseous with dread and he felt the urge to beg his Handler to give him more time, hoping that he would retain enough memory to function as Asset Bucky Barnes effectively without submitting to the more efficient but great deal more painful process.

Steve watched Bucky’s reaction to his own monotone voice and attempt to remain emotionless, feeling a stab of heart ach as he saw the quiet and hesitant way he spoke of his own name and his lack of memories, as if it was his fault he could not remember and he expected to be rejected or maybe worse. The Captain took in a heavy breath and wiped his face before he looked down at Bucky who was watching him with a fearful and yet hopeful expression, uncertainty mixed with desperate need. Steve tried to digest what was said and understand the meaning behind his friend’s response. He reached forward again but felt another stab of pain and disappointment as this time Bucky did flinch before forcing his head back into Steve’s touch with a look that begged forgiveness and communicated that he would not resist anything Steve wanted from him. That realization made the Captain all the more desperate to reassure his friend and try to help him understand the difference between now and his time with Hydra.

“It’s okay Buck,….I know,…. I realize this must be kind of confusing,… How Hydra treated you,… The ways they hurt you,… and made you hurt other people…..” Steve shook his head, staring down at his friend as he gently caressed his hair and the side of his face. “God Bucky,… I am so sorry,… Hydra was wrong,…. Everything they did to you,… all of it,… that will NEVER EVER happen to you again,… no one here will do those things to you,…” Steve felt his own eyes get wet and he let out a sigh as he wiped his face again the considered trying to identify the meaning of specific words, needing to keep it together if he was going to help Bucky through this.

“You said…. former protocols,…. And designation Sergeant Barnes… you said you couldn’t recall,… so I am thinking you don’t have a lot of memories from before Hydra,… before they made you become the Winter Soldier?” The Captain asked softly, as he sat down on the edge of the medical bed and took Bucky’s flesh hand in his own, continuing to offer comforting touch to emphases his point that Bucky would not be harmed no matter what he answered. 

The Soldier watched Steve take his hand, staring at the contact between them before looking back up with his one blue eye over a small pout. He nodded his head at his Handler’s request for confirmation, wanting to believe him that he would not face the same consequences for inadequate functioning as when he was Hydra’s Asset. Steve’s words made him feel like maybe he could report his status without fear of the repercussions.

“And you said,… recalibrating,…. And reprograming?” Steve asked with a slight tremor in his voice as he watched Bucky visibly shudder at the words just as he had done when he uttered them himself only moments earlier. The Soldier dropped his gaze and let out a small breath before he nodded again.

“Yes sir.” He answered in a voice barley audible before he closed his eye and his jaw clenched. Steve leaned forward his voice careful and gentle, both hands holding Bucky’s flesh one.

“Bucky,… can you tell me how they,… recalibrated you,…reprogramed you?” Steve didn’t want to push him too far too fast but he wanted to understand, and he needed to know what Bucky had been through so he could make sure his friend would know it was never going to happen again.

The Soldier let out a long exhale and when he looked back up his voice was flat and his gaze was vacant, as if trying to distance himself from the memory.

“The mantaince chair,…recalibration of the Asset’s cognitions through neurological manipulation using electrical currents,…and then,…conditioning and training,…order through pain…..” The Soldier spoke without inflection, blue eye lost and gaze lowered submissively as if already resigned to his fate and willing to accept the horrors of brainwashing and torture without a fight. 

Steve swallowed as he heard those words, those sadistic and cruel words that had haunted his dreams since he had first heard Rumlow’s taunt that echoed in his head. He lifted Bucky’s face while shaking his head, waiting for Bucky to meet his gaze as he swallowed down his own urge to pull his best friend into an embrace. When the Asset did comply and met his Handler’s face he looked broken and resigned, as if he was certain that to undergo the torture was the only way he could relearn to be himself again. His quiet, haunted look tore at Steve’s heart as he recognized that expression from nights during the War when Bucky awoke in their tent from the nightmares he could not explain, words failing him even if he tried.

“I need you to listen to me Bucky,…. I need you to try and understand what I am about to say,… but if you don’t,… if you are confused or you don’t believe me that’s okay,… I promise you no matter what,… things will get better.” Steve paused as he studied his friend, both men watching the other, craving the comfort and support and relief. 

“You ARE James Buchanan Barnes,…. That was the name given to you at birth by your Parents Gorge and Winnifred…You introduced yourself as Bucky,… it was how you chose to be called… There are no protocols for you to learn or follow,…you are not an Asset Bucky, you are a person,… and whatever you like or don’t like,… Whatever you think or say or feel,… that’s you,… and no one can teach you, recalibrate or reprogram you,… And if you get back your memories then that’s great,… and I will help you in anyway I can,… But if you don’t ever remember your life before Hydra,…” Steve swallowed down his own sadness at that thought and focused on reassuring his damaged friend. “It won’t matter to me,… Because you will always be my Bucky!...And I will never let anyone hurt you again….. no more order through pain,…only love.” Steve felt his voice crack and the Soldier’s eye grew larger as he watched the emotional turmoil on Steve’s face, wanting to bring back his smile instead.

“I am your Bucky?” The Soldier asked with a breathless whisper of hope. And Steve did smile then and nodded.

“Yea Pal,…You are my Bucky and I am your Steve and we are friends,… I am your friend,… and when you are ready,…. You can call me Steve,… but for now,… don’t worry about trying to be an Asset or remembering how to act like Bucky,… just know that you are safe and loved and no one will ever put you back into the mantaince chair or try to reprogram you….. Never Buck.” Steve promised with wet eyes as Bucky’s mouth dropped open in disbelief, blinking as his emotions felt like too much. The Soldier locked his jaw and blinked away the strange wetness in his eye as he breathed through his noise and focused on calming his racing heart. When he looked back up at Steve’s crystal blue eyes he let out a soft whisper and a nod, a sincere expression on his face.

“I understand,…. Steve.” He said with a bated breath as he watched the Captain’s face split into a huge grin before the blond man leaned forward slowly, warping Bucky in his arms to hold him gently in a hug, careful of his injuries. The Soldier gasped again and felt the pressure in his chest lessen and the throbbing ach of his body become background to the warmth and comfort he felt in the Captain’s arms. He closed his eye and breathed in his scent before letting out a shuddered breath and small sob of what he thought might be relief. He had reported his malfunction, his inability to access prior knowledge and he would not be punished or subjected to reprograming because he was not Captain America’s Asset,… he was Steve Rodger’s Bucky. He let out another shudder, pressing his forehead into Steve’s shoulder and marveling at the comforting sensation as he began to contemplate just how different his life might be from now on, both relieved and nervous at his new and different operational status.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

It took almost three days for Bucky’s temperature to return to baseline and for the wound in his side and damage to his eye to heal completely. He remained quiet and complacent as a patient and answered the questions asked of him. His verbal interactions remained limited and he did not initiate conversation with anyone besides Steve. His expression would remain blank or pensive until the Captain was at his side, never leaving for long. The ex-assassin would light up, and the smallest hint of a smile would grace his lips as he continued to stare at Steve. On two occasions he made a point of requesting water and used Steve’s name directly, earning the large warm grin that was the best reward he could imagine. Steve had begun to read aloud to him from a Biography about Bucky’s life written by Bucky’s younger sister Katie, a picture of her as a child matching the memory fragment he had recovered. He told Steve about what he remembered with a shy, unsure voice and the Captain nodded enthusiastically and said he was right. 

At the team briefing with SHIELD the morning of the third day, Agent Hill confirmed that the contents in the Safe deposit box were encrypted zip drives from the 9 other destroyed Hydra bases in North America. She and Fury agreed that the Soldier’s willingness to surrender and offer the intelligence was a sign that he could be considered an ally against Hydra and that when the time came to clear his name publicly and legally he would have SHIELD’s support. The Captain was grateful and continued to vouch for his friend, assuring Fury that Sergeant Barnes would have never attempted his assassination if he had been able to fight back against Hydra’s control. 

“Dr. Banner,… have you learned anything of significance about Sergeant Barnes’s biochemistry and how it differs from the Captains?” Agent Hill inquired and The Doctor nodded removing his glasses to wipe them clean.

“Well,…to put it lightly,… Zola may have been a genius but he was also more concerned with creating a Soldier who could with stand extreme injury and damage without it effecting his ability to complete a mission then the actual health and wellbeing of Hydra’s Asset.” Banner could not hide the distaste and disgust he held for the former Doctor who was by all accounts evil.

“Based on the research notes and documentation recovered by SHIELD as well as tests of Barnes’s own DNA and cellular structure, there are significant differences in the serum and how it was administered and developed within their bodies. During project Rebirth, Steve was given his dosage all at once, Dr. Erskine’s serum was injected into his major muscle groups and that caused immediate cellular transformation. He was then exposed to Vita Radiation which is based on electromagnetic radiation with a specific wavelength that has stabilizing properties. So Steve’s body was able to absorb the serum and process it quickly throughout his entire biochemistry. He heals not only at an accelerated rate but with minimal scaring or residual aftereffects that a normal human would experience even after an injury is healed.” Banner paused and took a breath, glancing over at Steve who was listening intently.

“The Sergeant, was given 32 dosages,…17 before he was rescued in Austria and the rest two years later after Hydra had found him, each slightly stronger then the last. The initial 17 had been stimulated with electrical currents that helped stimulate growth but not at the level of acceleration induced by Vita Radiation. So instead the effects were slowly manifesting within Sergeant Barnes, the changes happening erratically and without stabilization. Certain functions would improve quicker like enhanced eye sight and marksmanship as a snipper, but the strength in his muscles and bone density would happen slower and likely caused him some amount of discomfort and soreness.” He glanced around at the others and then to Steve who was considering the information and thinking back on times during the war when Bucky’s skin felt feverish but he said he was fine or when his muscles would cramp up one day with spasms and the next he was running almost as fast as Steve. He looked back up as the Doctor continued.

“He was able to survive the fall because of the initial 17 doses and when he was given the other 15 they had designed a machine that would send electrical pulses of stored tesseract energy through his system every 10 minutes until absorption was complete,… I believe the process took almost 16 hours for each injection.” Banner sighed as he gave Steve a side glance, The Captain letting out a snorted breath, nostrils flared as he grit his teeth, picturing Bucky strapped to the metal table and the pain he had endured as he was repeatedly electrocuted. He knew how much Project Rebirth had hurt and that agony had only lasted a few minutes.

“Jesus,… the shit this guy has been through.” Hawk Eye shook his head with an empathetic sigh.

“The effects of the Serum are similar in that he has super human strength, enhanced hearing and vision, increased muscle mass, bone density, is resistant to disease and heals at an accelerated rate. However, his cells do not restore tissue and regenerate like Steve’s, which is why he has a great deal of scarring and evidence of healed fractures and muscle tares that despite the rate of healing, likely still have side effects and residual irritation. The metal shoulder,… based on his brain scans, is a source of constant pain,… and instead of trying to fix it,… The good people at Hydra decided to condition the Soldier to become accustomed to pain and tolerant of it so he could continue to operate out in the field even after serious injury.” Dr. Banner rubbed his eyes as he shook his head. “And when his Super Soldier resilience was not enough,… they injected him with drugs,… a toxic steroid and amphetamine that Bucky told me is his medicine when he is unable to perform his missions adequately…. Part of the reason it has taken his body a bit longer to recover and heal now is this god awful drug and the withdrawals,… that and his malnutrition which is another issue we need to deal with.” He sighed. 

Steve sat back in his chair as he digested the information and thought about the intense catalog of scar tissue he had discovered on his friend’s body when he had washed him the first night. He had kept his teeth gritted and smiled with watery eyes at Bucky who was barely conscious and shaking with fever, whimpering softly at each gentle touch as if he had never experienced something that felt so good.

“They kept him on a liquid diet correct?.... For convenience of flushing out his System before Cryofreez?” Hill inquired and Bruce nodded.

“As a result his stomach lining and digestive muscles are going to need time to start working again like they are suppose to and so we will need to introduce solid foods very slowly… Which may be another challenge as Barnes has stated he avoids ingesting nutrition and hydration because expelling waste leaves him vulnerable and exposed which is tactically insufficient and can jeopardize his mission.” Banner quoted with a shake his head.

“Look,… no one said this was gonna be easy,… but so far Barnes has been agreeable and I think he knows we are the good guys right?” Sam asked to the room at large.

“He knows that we are trying to help him,… and I think he wants to trust me,… He has a few memories, but not many,… and if I try to ask him certain questions he doesn’t really know how to answer,… he is still thinking like the Soldier,… but I know he wants to be himself again.” Steve offered with a long sigh.

“We will get him there Cap,… just gotta take this one day at a time.” Clint offered with a nod and Steve sighed and nodded back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End note: Short and sweet. More ahead.


	8. Because I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors notes: Progress takes time and patience. Steve is learning how to communicate with the Soldier and recognize his need for security and comfort from authority. This is a seed that will grow.

"The Promise" Chris Cornell

If I had nothing to my name  
But photographs of you  
Rescued from the flames  
That is all I would ever need  
As long as I can read  
What's written on your face  
The strength that shines  
Behind your eyes  
The hope and light  
That will never die  
And one promise you made  
One promise that always remains  
No matter the price  
A promise to survive  
Persevere and thrive  
As we've always done  
And you said  
"The poison in a kiss  
Is the lie upon the lips"  
Truer words were never shared  
When I feel  
Like lies are all I hear  
I pull my memories near  
The one thing they can't take

The Soldier lay comfortably propped up on pillows as he looked through another biography written about the Howling Commandos, this one had more pictures that helped his fragmented memory, brief images coupled with sensation sparking recognition. Gab Jones singing a Baptist gospel hymn low by the campfire. Falsworth showing him how the English made tea. Morita asking him if he was alright on the long walk back from the Austrian Hydra base. Dernier teaching him how to flirt with girls in French, the language of love. The one that felt the most intense was Dugan, cradling him in his arms as he coughed up blood from his pneumonia and cracked ribs after the beating he had taken standing up to guards that were about to execute a POW who was injured from working on one of the monstrous machines. The Soldier was lost in thought as he stared hard at the pictures and as he looked at one of himself and the Captain, both grinning, he felt his lips curl slightly as he tried to remember what he was smiling about in the image. According to the biographies and films Steve had been watching with him, James Buchanan Barnes smiled often. The Soldier wanted to try but it felt strange on his face.

The Asset looked up as The Captain entered the Hospital room with Dr. Banner and the Falcon. He took a breath and then focused on pulling his lips into a smile, not wide with teeth but something close. Steve instantly smiled back, his wide and easy, the pensive look he had been wearing disappearing as he saw Bucky’s face light up with his first real smile even if it did look practiced.

“Steve.” The Soldier exhaled as his entire attention was focused on his Handler. He knew that Steve had insisted that he was Bucky’s Friend not handler and Bucky was his friend not his Asset but he had also told him that it was okay if he needed time to understand the difference, aware that he was trying to adjust but it was all so new and confusing.

“Hey Bucky,… Dr. Banner said we can take your bandages off now… How are you feeling?” Steve asked as he closed distance and reached his hand out slowly, Bucky instantly leaning into the touch with a sigh, blue eye blinking up at the Captain with genuine admiration.

“My body feels less effected by illness and injury. Functionality is close to 75% mission ready. I have regained 17 new memories from reading this biography of the Howling Commandos and I need to relieve my bladder.” The Soldier reported still smiling up at Steve. The Captain blinked a few times with his own small smile, noticing that Bucky had finally stopped using the term ‘Status report’ but wondering how long he had needed to use the bathroom. He stroked Bucky’s hair then turned to Bruce who cleared his throat.

“Oh,… we removed the catheter this morning and I thought the nurse had explained to you how to use the bed pan Bucky?” Bruce questioned. The Soldier looked at the doctor with a blank expression and nodded once before answering.

“Sir, that directive was in conflict with my previous standing orders issued by Captain Rogers. I was instructed not get out of bed… He was not present at the time to sanction use of the bed pan. I will not violate his direct orders Sir,… I am his Bucky.” The Solider answered with a calm flat tone before turning back to Steve with a look that was seeking approval.

“Wow.” Sam mused from behind Steve who was blushing slightly, as he glared at Sam’s smirk. He turned back to Bucky with a soft, fond look taking his flesh hand.

“Thank you for listening to me Bucky and following my orders,… but if I am not present then please obey whatever the Doctors tell you to do,… or any of the Avengers for that matter,… We are all here to help you,… we are a team.” Steve explained softly and Bucky’s face crumpled, brow knitted as he looked away, lips in a pout. He blinked a few times and swallowed then nodded as he looked down at his lap.

“Hey,… hey,… it’s okay,… You didn’t do anything wrong,… you didn’t know Bucky,… I’m not upset.” Steve reached out and lifted his face as Bucky whispered his reply but would not look up to meet his eyes.

“Understood Steve.” The Soldier answered with a small trembled in his voice. Steve got closer and tried to figure out what was wrong but before he could ask Sam interjected from behind him.

“Uh, Cap,…. How about let Bucky use the bed pan and then we can process what’s going on after that?” The Falcon suggested and Steve nodded.

“Yea,… okay,…Do you understand how to use it Buck?....” Steve asked as he retrieved the pan from the lower shelf.

“Yes Steve,… I am Functional.” His tone was upset but his voice was low and he continued to stare hard off to the side, avoiding eye contact. The Captain looked at him with confusion and then set the pan next to him. 

“Okay Buck,… I will be right out here so just let me know when you are done.” The Captain stepped back and pulled the curtain closed to give his friend some privacy. He turned toward Sam and Bruce with a flustered look and shrugged. Sam gestured with his head that they should step out in the hall and so he followed the two men, glancing back with concern.

“I don’t understand what that was about.” Steve sighed shaking his head.

“Steve I know you said you explained to him that he wasn’t an Asset anymore,… that he was a person named Bucky,… but that doesn’t mean he really knows the difference,…after so many years of dehumanization, of being programed to obey without question, he thinks he belongs to you and you are the one that gives him orders now,…” Sam explained with a shrug.

“With that logic,… you just told him that he belongs to all of us and has to follow all of our orders if you’re not around…. He might have some negative feelings about that idea but can’t really express them because he doesn’t think he is allowed to challenge you or defy what you say.” Bruce added with a sympathetic shrug and Steve sighed again and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Yea,… okay….Let me try to clear this up I guess…” Steve sighed.

When he walked back into the hospital suite he went alone, Bruce and Sam giving them space as he stood just outside the curtain. 

“Bucky?..... Are you finished, uh,… relieving yourself?” Steve fumbled with his words, unsure how he was going to address the current situation.

“Yes Steve.” The voice that replied sounded tired and sad. Steve opened the curtain and Bucky was sitting up in the bed with his legs over the side in his hospital gown, greasy locks of hair hanging down around his face, hands in fists gripping the bed sheets as he let out a deep shuddered breath.

“Hey Bucky,…. Common,… talk to me pal,… explain how you’re feeling.” Steve asked softly as he stood Infront of his friend and rested his hands on both of Bucky’s shoulders deciding to let him raise his eyes when he was ready. The Soldier gave a another deep breath and shook his head.

“I….I am feeling,…. Bad Steve.” Bucky answered in a whispered voice. Steve moved one hand and stroked through the distraught man’s hair, mind briefly acknowledging how badly it needed to be washed.

“Why are you feeling bad Bucky?” Steve spoke softly, still stroking his friend’s hair.

“You said,…” The Soldier swallowed and tried to force his words past the lump in his throat. “You said I was YOUR Bucky,…and you were my Steve,…” His voice was childlike and full of betrayal as he looked up with wet eyes at the Captain who gave him a sad smile, before embracing him in a hug and whispering in his ear.

“You are my Bucky,… now and forever…. I promise I will never let anyone take you away from me…. But we are part of a team Buck,… other people that want to help you,… and they are helping me,… I just want you to be able to do things without orders from me… I might not always know what’s best for you,… but if you trust me, then understand that I trust them to help me take care of you.” Steve tried to explain and when he pulled back, he saw Bucky wiped at his eyes and nod.

“Yes Steve,… I will comply.” He nodded as he bit his lip and looked off to the side with a nervous sigh. Steve studied him closely then held his face with one hand.

“Bucky,….what are you thinking right now?” Steve asked with concern and the Soldier glanced up at him with uncertainty and worry then away.

“They ordered me to kill you,…” He blinked and looked back up at Steve with a fretful pout, mind racing behind a troubled gaze. The Soldier’s chest felt tight and his hands clenched the bed, a look of anxiety crossing his features, chewing on his lip before his eye dropped off to the side again. Steve rubbed up and down both his arms as he spoke to his friend to ease his worried mind.

“This isn’t Hydra Buck,… no one will order you to kill here.” Steve attempted to reassure his friend, but Bucky looked at his face with deep worry and uncertainty. “Okay,…only follow orders as long as no one is going to be hurt or in danger, and not just me Bucky,…. If anyone tells you to hurt or kill someone come find me.” Steve’s mind briefly considered SHEILD and how they might want to use the Soldier’s skills.

“There are,…. trigger words…..” Bucky let out another shudder and he shook slightly, closing his blue eye and leaning forward until his forehead rest in the center of Steve’s chest. The Captain wrapped his arms around his friends back and held him.

“It’s okay Buck,… I will keep you safe,… I won’t let anyone use those words on you,…I just,… I want to help you think for your self,… I want you to be able to follow your own orders,… but for now I want to help you get better, and that means listening to the Doctors and letting our teammates help you too. Do you understand?” He asked with a soft patient tone.

“Yes Steve,” He answered, voice mumbled from against Steve’s chest. The Captain held him for a few minutes longer, rubbing his hands up and down Bucky’s spine as he felt the shaking lessen before he stepped back. Bucky was not smiling but his eyes were dry and he look up at Steve waiting for whatever was coming next.  
“How about we get those bandages off and then we are going to give you some nutrition and I am gonna give you a bath,… it will feel so good Bucky!” Steve beamed and Bucky returned his smile slightly with his brow knit, stomach clenching at the thought of nutrition and the disgusting powder supplements. Steve gave him a reassuring pat on his shoulder and then pulled back the curtain.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Bucky’s wounds had healed over, but he was still sore and stiff, muscles aching as he tried to stand and walk. Steve had remained at his side and helped steady him on his feet, encouraging him but also ordering him to take it easy and not push himself too hard. His fever had reduced to 101 and his injured eye was healed but his vision was still blurry as the muscles worked on refocusing, a cloudy vail of healing membrane over his crystal blue eye. He was quiet and complacent, following the directives given and when Dr. Banner handed him a protein shake he let out a small breath, glanced up at Steve who smiled and nodded with encouragement and then brought the liquid to his lips and took a hasty gulp, expecting the taste to be revolting. There was a moment of confusion on his face as he looked at the smoothie, brow knit before he looked at Steve, mouth slightly parted with a silent question.

“How does it taste Bucky?” Steve asked with a small smile, knowing that it must have been a huge improvement form the chalky nutritional supplements he was accustomed to. The Asset liked his lips and looked down at the shake in his hand then took another sip, this time slowly, letting the taste sit on his tongue. He thought about the sensation and tried to articulate a description that was accurate. His eyes lit up suddenly as recognition dawned on his face.

“Sweet…..fruit….creamy…” Each word was said with tempered excitement, as if the vocabulary was coming to him as a surprise. He offered the timid smile as he cocked his head and looked at Steve to see if his answer was sufficient. He was rewarded by the bright smile and nod from his Steve who rubbed circles on his back, standing at his side.

“The Fruit is blueberry,… you always loved blueberrys.” Steve remarked and the Soldier looked back down at the shake with a nod, committing the knowledge to memory. He hastily took another large gulp and Dr. Banner cautioned him to take it slow which he did as recommended. It wasn’t until he had drank more than half of the nutritional protein shake that he made a face of discomfort and struggled to swallow. Bruce removed the shake but with a promise that the Soldier could have more in a few hours after he was able to digest and metabolize what he had consumed.

As Steve guided Bucky on shaky legs to their joined bathroom, he whispered reassurances and praise at how proud he was of his friend for eating as much as he could and for trying to stand on his own. Bucky seemed desperate for the praise and the comforting touch, looking up at Steve with both eyes, his right one still clouded with scar tissue that was healing. Once inside the bathroom. Steve let Bucky rest on the toilet as he began to fill the large jacuzzi bath tube, using a bubble bath solution that was formulated to ease sore muscles with a lavender scent for relaxation.

“This is going to feel so good Bucky,… we will get you clean and help your muscles relax.” Steve explained as he turned toward his friend and helped him out of his hospital gown that he had been wearing for three days. Steve had worried about making Bucky feel helpless and about issues with his consent but he also knew that if Bucky was in his right mind he would rather Steve bath him than anyone else, having done the same for the blond man countless times when he was ill with fever, even before they became intimate as lovers. The Captain helped him stand and then steadied him as he instructed the Asset to lift one foot at a time, before sitting down in the tub of water. The whole time the Soldier kept his gaze locked on his Handler, his Steve, and when he was finally laying back in the tub he let out a deep sigh, eyes half shut in amazement at the tremendous warmth and comfort.

The Captain smiled softly at his friend as he pushed his hair out of his face and grabbed a wash cloth.

“I am going to wash your skin Buck and then your hair… And next time you can do it on your own okay?” Steve asked softly, trying to encourage his friend to relearn how to maintain his own hygiene. 

Bucky’s lips curved down slightly but he nodded before looking away, with a slight pout. The Captain studied him, beginning to recognize a pattern of silent communication and trying to figure out the best way to understand how and why his friend reacted the way he did. Steve began to use the washcloth on his friends body, carefully caressing over the various scares that decorated his torso. He consider Sam’s advice, trying to offer observation with a question to help Bucky make the connection between his own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It was a way mental health professionals spoke to children or people who had been through trauma and didn’t understand their own responses, their insight compromised and distorted.

“When I said you can wash yourself next time your face looked sad Bucky,… can you tell me why?” Steve questioned as he moved down to the Soldier’s legs, avoiding his private area until the end. Bucky looked directly at Steve with a pensive expression before deliberately fixing his face to reflect neutrality.

“When you touch me it feels good Steve,… it is a reward,… I will learn to be your Bucky and,…you,…if I deserve it,… You will reward me?” His voice was a whisper, as if he was unsure of Steve’s reaction and afraid he would be punished for insinuating that he deserved to be treated gently. Steve let out a breath as he looked away for a moment and considered how to answer, forcing his mind to stay present and not give in to heart ach. He looked back down with a forced warm smile, moving closer to Bucky cradling his face, a touch that always seemed to offer reassurance even after an initial flinch that came from Bucky’s uncertainty.

“I am glad that my touch feels good Bucky,… I will always touch you gently,… not because it is a reward,… but because I love you and I want you to feel good. You can ask me anytime for a hug or whatever you need pal,… you don’t have to earn it,… you deserve to feel good,…and I can give you baths if you like,… but I also want you to be able to wash yourself too…. Do you understand?” Steve asked carefully, smiling down at his friend’s large blue eyes. The Soldier nodded and swallowed, a look of hope and need flashing in his eyes as he offered a small smile back.

“Yes Steve,… I understand.” He whispered and relaxed back, watching as the Captain smiled again and continued to wash him, deliberately moving with care but not lingering over his genitals. As he began to message shampoo into Bucky’s scalp the Soldier let out an exhale of reverence, closing his eyes as instructed and relishing in the feel. Steve felt his turmoil twist in his gut, part of him unbelievably thankful that he was able to care for Bucky and make him feel good again but also desperately sad that just this simple act of kindness was more than his friend had experienced in far too long, his world dominated by cruelty and unspeakable pain.

The Soldier felt so good, relaxed in the warmth, surrounded by the scent of lavender as his Steve cleaned his body and hair. It was so much more then he could have ever imagined and despite the comfort, the blissful sensation was almost unbelievable and he felt a silent dread creep into the pit of his stomach that perhaps this was all too good to be true. He desperately wanted to believe his Handler and he felt compelled to trust Steve and obey him in a way that was completely different from Hydra. Steve talked about love, as if that was the reason for all of his gentle touches and smiles. Love…. Love? 

The former Asset considered the word and felt unsettled and disturbed by his lack of understanding. He needed more intel to comprehend how he was expected to behave as Steve’s Bucky and his lack of knowledge was not just frustrating but also left him feeling anxious that he would make too many errors and inevitably his Steve would realize that he needed to be to be handled with discipline and conditioned through punishment. That thought left him cold inside despite the warmth of the bath and the Soldier felt a slight spike of panic as he realized he was finding it increasingly difficult to dissociate and let himself become numb and complacent, instead feeling too much and allowing his mind to think and question.

Despite the distraction of his inner thoughts, he obeyed Steve as the Captain cradled his head and leaned him back into the water to rise his hair. The sensation of being held down in the water triggered an instant reaction as the panic shot through him like a bullet and he tensed up, holding his breath as a flash of memory struck him suddenly. 

He was being held under water, fighting for oxygen, lungs burning for air as distorted figures loomed above him. 

Steve noticed Bucky’s sudden choked gasp and the tremor that went through his body that had tensed and gone ridged. He immediately helped him sit up as Bucky shook violently and blinked, flesh hand whipping the water from his face, gasping for air.

“Hey,… it’s okay,… your safe…” Steve reassured with a concerned expression as he tried to hold his friend’s panicked gaze.

“Steve…” The Soldier’s voice was a shuddered breath, flesh hand latching on to his Handler’s bicep tightly before glancing around him to reassure himself that Hydra was nowhere to be seen. He was breathing fast and could not suppress the trembling fear that washed over him as he frantically scanned the room with wide eyes that blinked rapidly.

“I’ve got you pal,…” Steve confirmed as he stroked through the soapy locks of hair. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know but Bucky looked terrified as he continued to blink, eyes wide and unfocused, still gripped by a memory that Steve knew must have been traumatic. 

“What did you remember Bucky?” Steve asked softly, cupping water in his hand to rise his friend’s hair before soap could get into his eyes instead of trying to lower him back down into the water. Bucky let out another shuddered breath, looking down with a shake of his head as if he could dislodge the lingering fear before slowly dragging his haunted gaze toward Steve with a trembling pout.

“They held me under water,… I couldn’t breath.” He stated softly before looking down at his hands, palms up, his heart rate slowing down as he took deeper breaths. “I only had one arm.” He added thoughtfully, clearly trying to understand his fragmented memories and when they had happened during his years spent in slavery. Steve let out a breath as he shook his head, swallowing down his anger before returning to the task at hand of rinsing his friend’s long hair.

“I am so sorry they did that Buck,… I will never hold you under water.” Steve offered, trying to keep his voice from betraying his emotional response.

Bucky closed his eyes for a moment as the water ran over his hair and he tried to concentrate on the gentle hands that were messaging the soap from his hair. After a few more steading breaths he opened his blue eyes and looked up at his Steve with a curious expression before speaking softly again, still getting use to voicing his thoughts.

“Because you love me?” The Soldier inquired, biting his lip as he peered up at his Steve. The Captain let out a quivered sigh and nodded beneath sad eyes.

“Yea Bucky,…. Because I love you,… and I will never try to hurt you…. Do you understand that?” Steve asked, feeling his chest grow tight as he watched Bucky bite his lip and then frown and turn away again.

“No Steve,…I do not understand.” He answered softly, eyes shut and face turned away, as if knowing just how much his answer would disappoint his handler, his Steve. The Captain let out another quivered breath and nodded to himself, silently remembering to give it time and not put too much pressure on Bucky.

“That’s okay pal,… you don’t have to understand right now,… it’s okay.” He promised as he moved his hand from Bucky’s hair to cradle his cheek and guided Bucky’s face toward his own, offering him a sad smile before hesitating for a moment and then leaning forward slowly to kiss him on the forehead, wondering if it would comfort his friend or just further disorient his fragmented mind. 

When he leaned back Bucky was staring at him with that same bewildered expression, one of disbelief and hope and need, hungry for affection despite his lack of understanding and obvious confusion. Steve just smiled with a nod, knowing that time and patience was the only thing he could do, and the best way he could help his abused friend recover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes: Hey, so some of these chapters are shorter but we still have quite a journey ahead. Let me know your thoughts.


	9. What is Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Hope you like the way I write the mentality of the Asset as he tries to reconcile his programing with the feelings of Bucky breaking through. I don’t want to make him too fragil and childlike because he is a bad mofo but I think the uncertainty and intensity of actually feeling emotions after so long of existing forcibly blank and numb would leave him a bit vulnerable.

If It Be Your Will  
Leonard Cohen

If it be your will  
That I speak no more  
And my voice be still  
As it was before  
I will speak no more  
I shall abide until  
I am spoken for  
If it be your will  
If it be your will

The next few days went by without any problems, Bucky’s health returning as well as his ability to digest the liquid protein. He had not left the living area of the Hospital wing and Steve spent most of his time watching old movies or documentaries with Bucky or sketching while his friend quietly read through the multiple biographies. Occasionally Bucky would look up at Steve and bit his lip as he waited for the Captain to meet his eyes and nod with a smile, encouraging Bucky to ask his question or make a request for water or to use the bathroom. Steve hated giving Bucky permission but also recognized that to insist Bucky do things without specific directives was a challenge that added unneeded stress and confusion to his still healing mind.

Despite Bucky’s growing comfort around his Steve, he would still become still and silent, avoiding eye contact when any of the Doctors, nurses or other Avengers stopped by and so they gave him space and kept their presence to a minimum. The Soldier had not displayed aggressive behaviors toward anyone but he was on alert whenever they were around and his tense, deadly quite was in its own way eerily intimidating. Steve constantly reminded him and reassured him that no one would hurt him and that he was safe, but Bucky wasn’t sure what he meant about being safe and so would simply nod and respond with a statement of compliance.  
Each night Bucky had graphic dreams that left him either shaking silently in his bed, alone and cold with sweat or he would wake up struggling and fighting back against Steve who would be restraining him while reminding him of who he was and where they were. After these violent episodes, the former Hydra Asset would cower in shame and fear, repeating himself over and over again as he gripped his head rocking. “Iwillcomply, Iwillcomply, Iwillcomply, Iwillcomply” was chanted through gritted teeth as tears fell from his face. Steve would pull him back into his arms but not to with strain, petting his hair and whispering his reassurances while kissing his friend’s bowed head. Once Bucky calmed down he would help him change into dry clothes and would take him by the hand and lead his exhausted and emotionally fragile friend into the other bedroom where he would tuck him in before laying back in the reclining chair next to the bed. Steve didn’t want to lay in bed with Bucky unless he asked, constantly worried about the issue of consent and afraid Bucky would feel obligated to engage in sexual acts he may remember without really wanting to. The Captain would hold his friend’s hand as he watched Bucky battle to stay awake before finally submitting to his bodies need for rest.

Steve told Bruce and Sam about the nightmares and they conferred with the Medical staff and Psychiatrist who agreed that Bucky should receive medication to help him sleep and reduce the intensity and frequency of his nightmares. It was suggested he start taking them a few days later however because they wanted to wait until his physical health was completely stabilized, still concerned with the residual illness and malnourishment that had taxed his ability to recover.   
On the morning of March the 11th, Steve awoke in his recliner chair with Bucky already awake sitting up in bed watching him with an expression Steve was beginning to recognize as he had something he wanted to ask.

“Hey pal,….. How are you feeling this morning?” Steve smiled as he stretched and sat up.

“Functional.” Bucky nodded once, voice raspy and eyes intently watching Steve’s face as he bit his lip, hands fidgeting with the sheets that were piled in his lap. His hair was a mess and Steve gave a small chuckle as he stood up and then sat on the edge of the bed and used both hands to comb through Bucky’s bed head hair.

“That’s good,…. Is there something you want to ask me Bucky?” Steve offered as he tucked the unruly strains behind his friends’ ear. As a response Bucky began to nod but then frown and shook his head instead, brow becoming pensive. Steve watched him with curious amusement. 

“Ok,… do you have something you want to say?” Steve tried to guess, and Bucky nodded enthusiastically, eyes wide as he licked his lips in excitement, one of the first few mannerisms that belonged to Bucky from before and was beginning to resurface along with his memories and hopefully soon more of his actual personality.

“Ok, well what’s on your mind Buck?” Steve encouraged, knowing that if he didn’t directly ask him to share his thoughts then he would likely remain silently staring at Steve indefinitely.

“Today is March the 11th,….. this is the day Winnifred Barnes gave birth to me in the year 1917 and gave me the name James Buchannan Barnes.” Bucky spoke with a small smile, feeling proud that he had been gaining more intel about his true self and was actually able to remember it now that he wasn’t losing focus and concentration from sickness and malnourishment.

“Yea,…. It’s your Birthday today Bucky!.....Today is special.” Steve agreed with a huge smile, feeling far more elated that Bucky knew it was his birthday then he probably should be. Steve leaned forward and Kissed Bucky’s forehead, a gesture he was doing more often because every time Bucky’s expression would become amazed as if the very act was a magic trick. Steve smiled warmly at his friend before standing again.

“On your Birthday we celebrate the fact that you were born,… that you are a person, an individual that nobody can replace,… the one and only Bucky Barnes!” Steve expressed with another grin as Bucky’s fixated gaze remained locked with his own and his small shy smile grew as he blushed and bowed his head slightly, hands again fidgeting with the sheets.

“Your Bucky….?” He spoke softly, his question mumbled as he glanced back up at Steve through his hair, head cocked slightly at an angle. The Captain nodded and his grin turned soft, eyes found.

“Yea Pal,… You are my one and only Bucky!.... No body could ever replace you,… You are so special to me!” Steve confirmed and the Soldier’s blush grew as he looked back down again, smiling to himself. He was special to his Steve,… just like his favorite L115A3 Long Range Rifle outfitted with Schmidt & Bender 3-12x50 PM II telescopic sights. He had a vague sensation of nostalgia as he reflected on how pleased he felt using that particular weapon on missions where all he had to do was patiently wait for the target to come into focus and take the shot. It was much preferred over the missions where he had to get up close to his targets and terminate them with his own hands or knives. The thoughts brought a dark shadow across his expression, his smile disappearing as he looked off to the side with a distant gaze.

Steve watched Bucky’s expression fall and he understood that his mind had drifted to a dark place. Normally he would ask him about what he was remembering but instead he wanted to try making Bucky’s birthday a celebration of his life and so chose to distract him from ruminating on his stolen years spent as Hydra’s attack dog.

“Hey Bucky,… Because it is your Birthday,… you get to do whatever you like,… Think about every kind of reward you could ever want,… whatever you like,… you get it,… all you have to do is ask me… Ok?” Steve insisted as he reached out his hand to gently run through his friends hair, hoping his words would bring back his smile. Bucky looked back up at Steve with a pensive expression, considering the statement and pondering how he should reply. He appreciated Steve using the term reward, even if that wasn’t how Steve normally wanted him to think of his treatment and care. Bucky bit his lip for a moment and looked off to the side before glancing back toward Steve’s expectant expression.

“Bath?” Bucky spoke the word with a tentative tone, hopeful but uncertain. Steve had showed Bucky how to use the shower and had encouraged his friend to practice cleaning himself, washing his hair and then brushing it afterward, receiving praise as Steve remained in the bathroom to supervise, the Soldier glancing at him every few minutes for approval. The first shower Steve had stated that he would remain outside in his own room but would come in if Bucky needed him. It had only taken a few minutes before Jarvis had alerted the Captain that Sergent Barnes appeared to have dissociated and was on the floor of the large shower. Steve found his friend curled up in the corner with his eyes large and dilated, hugging his knees to his chest. Steve had instantly turned off the water and dropped to his knees, calling out to Bucky as he reached out, concern growing as his friend violently flinched away shaking as he mumbled what sounded like broken Russian. It had taken several minutes for Steve to coax Bucky back into the present and when at last he was able to blink and focus his gaze, recognition growing he let out a pained whimper and crawled into Steve’s arms, shaking silently as he clung to the Captain’s tee-shirt, head pressed into his chest. From that point on Steve remained in the bathroom with Bucky, speaking words of affirmation and praise whenever his friend glanced his way, the shower door left open enough for Bucky to maintain a line of sight with his Steve. 

Steve smiled and nodded as he continued to run his hand through Bucky’s hair.  
“Sure Buck,….you can take a bath,… want my help or do you want to clean yourself?” Steve offered and Bucky’s blush returned, shy smile once more decorating his face.

“Your touch feels good Steve.” Bucky answered, still having difficulty with making specific requests and choices outside of active mission settings where he was expected to assess the situation and preform decisively. Everything was different with his Steve, and despite how much better it was, the constant unknown and uncertainty at times caused him to feel disconcerted and anxious, making it hard to think and almost impossible to vocalize anything at all.

Steve’s smile was warm. His eyes soft as he nodded and opened his palm in a gesture to take Bucky’s hand.

“Okay Bucky,… I will give you a Bath,… whatever you want pal,… if you think of something just say it and we will make it happen ok,… do you understand?” Steve asked gently and Bucky placed his flesh hand in Steve’s open pam, nodding with his innocent, hopeful gaze studying Steve’s face.

“Yes Steve,… I understand.” Bucky confirmed and felt a warm sensation stir in the pit of his stomach in anticipation of the bath and the feel of his Steve washing him with tender care.   
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
After the bath was done Bucky was treated to a Blueberry protein shake and his first somewhat solid meal of diluted oatmeal with honey. Steve shared a small laugh with Sam and Bruce as they all sat together at the small table in the kitchen area of the medical suite, each eating their own bowl of oat meal as they watched Bucky’s expression light up after his first tentative spoonful. His eyes were large and he looked up in astonishment at Steve before eagerly taking another few bites in rapid succession before Doctor Banner gently reminded the Soldier to eat slow and practice his chewing. Of all the Avengers and medical staff, Bucky had become most accustomed to the nervous Doctor and the calm man who use to ware wings, his tension less obvious and eye contact more frequent then with the other residents of the Tower.

Once he had eaten every last speck of oatmeal the former Asset looked up at his Steve and received a nod of approval and a pat on his back.  
“Good job Buck,… I’m glad you liked the oatmeal,… it will get thicker and taste even better each day now that your stomach is better able to digest.” Steve explained and the Soldier nodded once and continued to stare at Steve, waiting for what next wonderful reward he would be granted on the anniversary of the day of his birth.

“He hasn’t been outside in almost a week,… maybe he would like to check out the roof top?.... It’s kind of cold out but Pepper has a really nice insulated green house up there,… its got a table and chairs and everything.” Bruce offered and Steve nodded in thought turning back toward Bucky who had glanced uncertainty at the Doctor, still watching him with a slightly guarded expression before looking back toward his Steve.

“What do you think Bucky?.... Would you like to go up to the roof and see all the different plants Ms. Pots has in her green house?” Steve asked softly, hoping his tone was open and neutral enough that Bucky wouldn’t feel pressured. The Soldier bit his lip and glanced down for a moment in thought, mind battling with how to respond while trying to determine how he felt about the idea. Bruce had proved to be less threatening then the other medical staff and Steve had asked Bucky to trust him. He knew that going up to the roof would leave them both exposed and vulnerable to attack but he felt functional enough that he thought he could likely protect and defend his Steve if he needed to. He looked back up with a cautious glance and then opened his mouth before shutting it again. He wanted to ask a question, but he had not responded to his Steve’s command for an answer. He tilted his head and considered that his answer was going to be one of compliance either way and so he took a breath and tried again, forcing the words out in a way that lessen the anxiety of making a request.

“I will comply Steve,…..Permission to…..” He hesitated, his words trapped as he glanced at the others before looking back at Steve with a pleading expression.  
“It’s okay Bucky,… what ever you want to ask for,… you can say it,… No punishment here remember?” Steve reassured and the word punishment left a bitter taste in his mouth far worse than the term reward. Bucky took another breath, and his eyes dropped off to the side as he spoke, voice neutral and tone even.  
“Permission to select weapons for defensive purposes.” Bucky made the request without any hint of emotion, eyes drifting up to Steve’s face as he waited for a reply. Steve frown slightly and his expression was enough to make the Soldier tense reflexively. Steve realized immediately and schooled his features, putting an uneasy smile back on his face as he rest a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, the movement causing his friend to flinch as he always did when he was tense and feeling uncertain.

“Why do you need weapons for defensive purposes Bucky?... Because we will be outside?” Steve asked softly and Bucky swallowed down his anxiety that had been ignited by Steve’s brief frown. He nodded once in reply, jaw locked and eyes betraying his uncertainty as he watched his Steve’s face.

“Remember how I told you that Tony Stark is an inventor?” Steve asked after a moment of thought. Bucky again nodded once, eyes locked with Steve’s, gaze intense and body ridged as if expecting to be reprimanded at any moment. “Well he designed this really strong force field around this whole tower and over the roof so nothing could attack us or get through and Jarvis is always monitoring for any potential threats. You will be as safe up there as you are in here,… Do you understand?” Steve asked gently and waited for his friend’s reply. Bucky shifted slightly and looked away in thought, once more biting his lip as he considered how to reply. It took him almost a full minute to consider what was said and how he should respond before he looked back up at Steve and shook his head.

“Safe?” He questioned, the word spoken with confusion. The Asset knew that intel could be safely secured and hidden or after a mission sometimes he would be required to stand guard outside a safe house, watching for threats while listening to the strike team inside laughing as they drank and played cards. The memory left him with a pang of jealousy and he remembered even during those vaguely recalled nights of guard duty as the Winter Soldier that he had wanted to join the other operatives inside to play cards, only for some reason he had always felt like they should be gathered around a fire instead. Now after days of reassuring the life of Sergent Barnes he realized that even without knowing the specifics, his fragmented memories of the Howling Commandos had been the catalyst for the strange feeling of nostalgia that he had no name for and could not have recognize back then. Steve’s smile dimmed more as he cupped Bucky’s face tenderly and then looked over at Sam and Bruce for suggestions on how to explain and define safe. Steve felt a little bewildered as he realized he had been attempting to reassure his friend for the past few days using the word safe and the idea that Bucky had no context or understanding made him feel slightly discouraged.  
“Safe means you don’t have to worry about being attacked or anyone trying to hurt you.” Sam offered and the Soldier looked at him with unease.  
“Worry?” He questioned, eyes darting from Sam to Steve and back.

“To worry means you think about something and become afraid that the thing may happen, Like you are worried that there might be an attack and so you want weapons in case you need to protect yourself.” Sam answered with his same calm and rational tone. The Soldier began to shake his head but stopped abruptly and dropped his eyes submissively, as if to disagree was completely out of line.

“Hey,… it’s okay Bucky,…. You can shake your head,… you aren’t doing anything wrong,… you are just trying to understand,… what are you thinking right now?” Steve inquired as he moved his hand from Bucky’s shoulder to his flesh hand giving it a soft squeeze as Bucky met his eyes. With another uncertain expression and a slight pout he turned his attention back to Sam, facing his chest and not making direct eye contact.

“Sir…. I do not require weapons for the purpose of protecting myself,… I am Steve’s Bucky,… I must protect Steve from any potential threat of harm,…without defensive weapons I may be unable to prevent his injury should an attack breach Mr. Stark’s security measures.” Bucky spoke with no inflection in his voice, remaining still, eyes strait ahead as he waited for a response. Steve’s mouth curved up into a small smile as he let out a breath and looked at Sam and Bruce who shared nods of acknowledgement, aware that Bucky’s sentiment of needing to protect his Steve was something they could bring up at the next SHEILD debriefing as further proof the Soldier was not a threat to Captain America’s welfare and that his instinct was to defend, not to attack.

“What kind of defensive weapons do you think you would need to protect Steve?” Sam asked, still considering how to navigate this issue with the former Asset, knowing damn well that he would not be given any real weapons for his trip to the roof, but interested in trying to understand his thinking and reasoning. Bucky looked in the direction of the man named Sam with hesitation and caution, then over to his Steve who shrugged, face open and expression thoughtful. Bucky swallowed and turned back to Sam again, eyes still aimed at his chest and speaking with out inflection, voice clear and decisive as he stated his tactical assessment of weapons he might require.

“One Glock 19 or P226R hand gun, One SIG-Sauer P220ST Psitol, Two COP 357 Derringers, One Sa. Vz.61 Skorpion, One M203 machine gun and a M4A1 fitted with an M203PI grenade launcher or one Milkor MGL Mk 1L fitted with Armson OEG reflex sight, and at least two Gerber Mark II knives,… Sir.” The Soldier concluded and waited patiently as Sam sat back and exhaled, Steve whipped his face and Banner shifted uncomfortably. Bucky looked over at the nervous Doctor and then to his Handler Steve, realizing that all three of the men were reacting with unease to his request. He instantly dropped his gaze to the table and closed his eyes, feeling as through he had been tested and had failed their assessment without knowing why.

“Hey Buck,… it’s okay,… I promise,… you didn’t say or do anything wrong,…It’s just that….” Steve paused as he considered his words, glancing at Sam and back toward his friend who had opened his eyes but kept his gaze locked on the table in front of him, shoulders tense and breathing slightly elevated.

“All of those guns are pretty heavy duty hard ware Sergent Barnes,… Do you really think that you would need all those weapons just for a trip to the roof top?” Sam spoke with his same calm voice and Bucky simply shrugged, eyes remaining down cast over a pout, feeling a wave of frustration at the line of questioning and their collective reaction.

“Bucky,… I know you think that those weapons are necessary to deal with potential threats,… but do you think you can trust me enough to go up to the roof without any weapons?” Steve asked softly and Bucky’s head shot up, his eyes slightly panicked as he looked at his Steve over a clenched jaw. The question was unfair because off course he trusted his Steve but if they were attacked and the asset was unarmed then he felt less confident in his ability to protect Steve. He could not fail his Steve, he could not let his Steve become injured. He felt his chest grow tight and his breathing escalated through his noise, hands becoming fists in his lap as he stared at Steve with desperation and anxious need.

“Hey,… Hey calm down Buck,… it’s okay,… just breath okay,… I am right here,… we are safe,…we are okay,” Steve’s voice took on a gentle but authoritative tone as he stood up and pulled Bucky into an embrace, holding his friend’s head against his stomach as he stroked his hair and rubbed his back in soothing circles.

“I am sorry we made you upset Bucky,… we’re all still figuring this out okay,… You don’t have to go outside if you don’t want to,… I just want you to feel safe,…no one is going to hurt you,… or me.” Steve sighed as he eased his grip once he felt Bucky’s shaking ease and his breaths becoming deeper and less panicked. As he stepped back he sat down again and reached up to cradle the side of Bucky’s face, guiding his friends eyes up to meet his own. Bucky was pouting with a sad disappointed expression. Steve looked at his friend and stroked his cheek as he spoke with a coaxing voice.

“Tell me what you are thinking Bucky?” Steve asked, Sam and Bruce quietly watching as the former Asset swallowed and opened his mouth to speak, his voice hushed in a whisper.

“Outside,…please Steve.” The Soldier wanted to go outside, he wanted to see the different plants and feel fresh air, it was one of the few pleasures of being on a mission, the sun on his face, the air, even when he was covered in mud in the rain or hidden in a snow bank it was still better than the endless hours spent in a dank cell or strapped to a table in some florescent laboratory and even though his accommodations so far at the Avengers tower were indescribable in a good way, he still could not deny that a chance to go outside was a welcomed change from his routine. He had begun to feel restless but had not voiced this to his Steve because he had not been asked and expressing that thought seemed irrelevant. He wanted to trust Steve and he knew that if Steve felt the roof was “safe” then so should he but the past few minutes of conversation left him with a gnawing dread and discomfort that he had no idea how to alleviate other than to engage in distraction.

“Okay Buck,… lets go outside,… you okay with the roof and the garden in the green house?” Steve asked as he offered a small smile at Bucky’s simple nod, his eyes wary but his breathing calm. Steve nodded back and looked up as Jarvis voice spoke from the speaker system.

Captain Rodgers, If it would help Sergent Barnes feel more at ease with a visit to the roof I can provide a brief tutorial of the security measures Mr. Stark has taken to safeguard the perimeter.

“Yes,…. Thank you Jarvis I think that may be a good idea.” The Captain agreed and Jarvis instructed him to retrieve a Stark tablet and give it to Bucky who remain quiet as he listened to Jarvis explain how the force field was created and the areas it cover as well as how Jarvis screened for potential threats all while a three dimensional holograph of the tower was projected from the tablet. The demonstration only took a few minutes and afterwards the Soldier sat in contemplative silence as he stared at the now blank tablet.

“What do you think Bucky?... Is the roof secure enough for us to go up there without weapons?” Steve asked patiently and Bucky looked up at him with his neutral expression. He blinked a few times and then answered with a flat tone.

“Do you trust Jarvis?” Bucky asked simply and Steve nodded. “Ok Steve, the roof is secure.” He answered without any hint of emotion, needing to use mission mentality as his emotional roller costar over the past 10 minutes was exhausting and left him feeling conflicted and confused. To follow orders and disregard his feelings was far easier and a needed break from his attempts to be Bucky Barnes. Steve seemed to recognize this and nodded with a muted smile, aware that he had to let Bucky process and function in whatever way he needed to. Steve looked over at Sam and Bruce who each nodded, as if reading his mind, the men all understanding that Bucky was trying to be what Steve wanted but that his programing and conditioning was something deeply ingrained and not easily dissuaded. The former Asset would need time to break free and escape the mentality of the Winter Soldier. Once Bucky was able to feel comfortable in his own skin and fully embrace his emotions and thoughts he would eventually understand how he could express them to others. It would be a slow process but Steve would be at his side and the Avengers would support them both in anyway they could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Fun fact, I looked up what weapons the Winter Soldier used in CAWS and the guns and knives mentioned are what one of the Marvel websites said. Don’t remember which one cuse I have been writing this thing for like over two years.


	10. Tell them Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Warning- Depictions and flash backs of torture, medical experimentation, dehumanization and a panic attack. Healing a fragmented mind is not going to be all hugs and the joy of self-discovery. The Soldier was wiped many, many times and before he became the Asset he was a broken POW being subjected to the cruel experimentation and abuse of evil people. Let’s just say those memories might be a little bit distressing and intense for our recovering Bucky Barnes.

The Soldier stood in the elevator with Steve head down and fists at his sides, still functioning as the Winter Soldier instead of as Steve’s Bucky. He could feel Steve’s eyes on him in fleeting glances, his concern adding to the Soldier’s internal discomfort. He reasoned that his Steve had clearly stated the directive ‘I just want you to feel safe,’ and the truth was that operating as the Soldier was ‘safe’, it was not challenging or difficult, it was simple. Trying to interact with Steve and the others as Bucky Barnes was new and exciting but it was also confusing and unknown, constantly keeping him on his toes with the unexpected. Despite the justification his stomach still felt cramped with guilt as he could tell even without looking up that Steve was distressed at his silent, withdrawn behavior.  
The elevator door opened, and the two men stepped out into the hall way on the top floor. Steve turned toward the Soldier as they walked toward one of the many common room areas.

“Bucky,…. Do you remember meeting my teammates Natisha and Clint a few days ago when they stopped by for lunch?” The Captain’s voice remained gentle but held a stained caution. The Soldier did not look up but slowed his pace and then stopped as Steve came to stand Infront of him. He nodded once in affirmation, eyes at Steve’s chest level. The Captain resisted his urge to reach out or ask Bucky to look up at him as he knew his friend was struggling at the moment and wanted to let him come around in his own time. He hesitated as he considered his words, wondering how Bucky would react, or more accurately, how Hydra’s Asset would react.  
“They are both in the common room we are about to walk into before we head outside. They have offered to provide back up and stay on the roof when we go into the green house… Does that idea make you feel more safe or less?... Tell me the truth.” Steve used his Captain’s tone but kept his voice low. The Soldier rose his eyes and locked them with his Steve, body remaining still and ridged.

“Natasha Romanova, code name The Black Widow, former operative of the Red Room, recruited by SHEILD agent Clinton Barton, code name Hawk Eye. Both operatives are current members of the Avengers, under the command of Captain America,… Steve.” Bucky’s mouth twitched in a slight smile as he cocked his head to the side, his flat, mechanical tone lightened slightly as he continued.

“They are skilled at hand to hand combat, capable of stealth infiltration and are proficient at assessing potential threat and taking necessary action to neutralize an attack.” The Soldier shifted slightly as his eyes glanced at the door way where inside Clint’s voice laughed and Natisha was speaking. He looked back at Steve, his shoulders relaxing slightly as the small smile grew a fraction. “Hawk Eye specializes in long range marksmanship,… his capabilities are impressive,… mine are better.” Bucky’s tone held a hint of his former smug confidence and Steve’s face broke into a grin as he huffed a small laugh before wrapping an arm around his friend and guiding him into the common area. 

They both stopped a few feet inside, Steve patting Bucky’s back as he smiled and nodded at Clint and Natisha who were lounging on the couch. They each got up with warm smiles, Natisha taking the first few steps forward towards them. She stopped a few yards away, Clint behind her as she waited for Bucky to raise his eyes that were still down cast but he seemed less tense then last time they interacted.

“Sergent Barnes.” She acknowledged him with a soft, non-threatening tone and he brought his gaze up to hers with a nod. He looked over at Clint who gave a little wave.

“Happy Birthday Seg… For a guy born in 1917 you look great for your age!” Clint offered with a smirk and Bucky’s brow furled.

“I was cryogenically frozen between missions.” The Soldier stated as if suspicious of the Archer’s statement since that intel was known already.

“Yea,… He knows Bucky,… It was a joke.” Steve explained with a sigh. The Soldier looked at Steve and blinked as he tried to recall what a joke was. He looked down for a moment in contemplation and then back up towards Clint and Natisha, face still blank as he nodded.

“Your joke was not funny,… You should focus on your archery instead.” Bucky offered as a neutral assessment before instantly feeling a spike of panic, eyes growing wide at his unprompted remark that would surely result in punishment for such out spoken and defiant behavior. To his surprise the statement actually caused the other two men to chuckle and Natisha smiled warmly. Bucky let out a breath as he felt Steve pat his back and tried to remind himself that he was not Hydra’s Asset to be disciplined and programed, he was Steve’s Bucky who was to be loved and given his ability to choose and speak freely. It was such an unfamiliar concept that the Soldier still could not fully grasp the expectations of his new/ former Handler or the other Avengers and that disconnect rested uncomfortably in his stomach. Natasha took a step forward and nodded, her eyes searching his anxious expression as he blinked and looked off to the side.

“I try to tell him he isn’t funny all the time,…. It’s good you’re here to back me up Barnes.” Natisha winked and he rose his blue-gray eyes to study her face for a moment before responding with a pensive expression and eyes off to the side.

“You are a teammate to Captain Rodgers?” His voice was low and serious as he examined her face with scrutiny from a side glance, body still and head lowered.

“Yes,…. And you are his Bucky,… that makes us allies.” Natisha confirmed with a careful smile, reading his expression but with less suspicion and more caution.

“You will maintain surveillance of the roof’s primator?” He looked from her to Clint, expression remaining guarded, his posture stiff as if he was forcing himself to speak and his eyes dropped down again after only another second, jaw tight and fists at his side.

“Yes,… we will secure the roof top so you and Steve can enjoy the greenhouse….” Natasha’s smile was soft and her eyes studied him for a moment before she spoke again. “Try to touch and smell the different flowers and plants,… focus on how it makes you feel…” She nodded and placed a hand on his metal bicep that was covered by a navy blue long sleeve shirt. The Soldier tensed briefly and looked down at her touch and then back up with questioning eyes, looking at her face and then off to the side again as he swallowed. 

“You are free now Sergeant,… You are no longer the Soildat,…And to be Bucky Barnes you must let yourself remember how to feel.” She suggested and he studied her face with a serious expression before nodding once. He looked back down at her hand on his bi-cep and considered how touch from other people then Steve could feel good and not painful. He tried to hold onto that thought even as his insides twisted with an unnamed fear that was growing stronger with each passing moment.

Bucky followed the three Avenger’s out onto the roof top, eyes scanning for threats as he guarded his Steve’s back, both fists clenched. He stood warily at the entrance of the large glass green house and took slow cautions steps inside as Steve smiled at him and nodded from a few feet ahead of him. He glanced nervously behind him, eyes checking to see Natisha and Clint, the two standing at the far corner and nodding at him in recognition. He was slightly unnerved that they stayed together instead of splitting up to opposite sides of the roof as they should for best surveillance of threats but he knew it was not his place to question the Agents who were not his designated Handlers but superior officers none the less. He looked back towards his Steve and took a few more steps inside before the glass door behind him slid shut automatically. His body tensed and he jerked his head in different directions feeling the suddenly intense sensation of being trapped and exposed all at once like a caged animal. He didn’t know why but he had the nagging feeling that he had been in a situation like this before, kept in a glass room for observation as he was subjected to painful stimuli, for what purpose he wasn’t certain.

Steve watched his friend’s tense pose and could see the sudden fear and panic in his frantic eyes as he looked everywhere at once without really seeing any of the beautiful plants Infront of him. It was obvious that he felt trapped and as Steve took a few steps closer he saw the full body shudder run through the Soldier who was trying hard to keep his breaths even.

“Hey Bucky,… I am right here pal,… Remember,… I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Steve offered as he reached out and ignored the feeling of disappointment when the Soldier flinched hard at the light contact on his flesh shoulder before immediately stepping forward with the painfully familiar look of pleading for forgiveness, head bowed submissively, as if his instinctual response was unacceptable. Steve used gentle hands to cradle his friend’s face, the Soldier peering up at him through his hair with eyes that were wide with alarm, fists locked at his side and breaths escalating. Steve offered a small smile beneath sad eyes as he tucked Bucky’s hair behind his ears, and used his thumb to caress his face.

“The glass is reinforced Bucky, it’s bullet proof so it won’t break,…. And Natisha and Clint are outside watching,…. You don’t have to be afraid.” The Captain tried to offer comfort, but he didn’t understand the racing thoughts pledging his friend’s healing mind. Steve was unaware of the negative connotations Bucky had associated with the sealed glass room and how it had further invoked the deep sense of dread that was twisting in his gut, threatening to swallow him whole. Bucky’s breath was shaking, and he swallowed as he tried to stay in the moment, tried to keep his mind focused on the present and on Steve’s soft hands on his face. His chest felt tight and his grip on reality began to slip as the familiar feeling of being trapped in a glass room continued to inspire a deep seeded fear that could not be suppressed. His mind began to feed him ugly flashes of fragmented memory that shattered his ability to stay grounded. The Asset was rapidly losing himself to the onslaught of painful trauma that had long been buried, ripped to the forefront of his damaged mind from before he was Hydra’s well trained and obedient Asset, when he was only their unwilling experiment. 

The Solider let out a chocked gasp, eyes growing even wider as Steve’s face was replaced by a distorted image of a Doctor holding his face roughly with latex gloves, a bright light flashed in his eyes as he muttered in German, voice benign even as he instructed the technician to increase the voltage.

“Buck,… Hey…” Steve’s face dropped as he watched his friend’s expression morph from anxious to terrified and shaking hard, eyes dilating as his skin broke out in sweat.

“Het,……Het!” His voice was small and raspy, a pleading tone as his knees gave out and he sunk to the floor, lost in a sild show of brutal and horrific memories, drowning in the unspeakable pain of reliving his earliest days of conditioning, memories that had long ago been lost after years of wipes and Red room programing that reinforced unconditional obedience.

He was huddled naked, curled up on the white tile floor stained red by his blood. He shook from the aftershocks of another round in Zola’s new contraption and now they had dumped him on the floor of his glass cage, a transparent box in the middle of the lab where Doctors and officers observed him as he twitched and cried out with pain, uncontrollable spasms racking through his body. He used his one remaining flesh arm to cover his head and protect his stub of an arm as he tried to quiet his sobs, hating himself for showing them all how week and pathetic he was becoming. He was under their constant surveillance with endless days of torture and experimentation, starving and disoriented, delirious with pain and exhaustion.

“Bucky,…Please,… Tell me what’s wrong!?” Steve demanded as he knelt with his trembling friend on the floor of the green house, surrounded by plants and butterfly’s, caught off guard by Bucky’s sudden drop. The Soldier chocked on his gasps for air whole body shaking as his eyes stared out in terror and agony, lost in the horror of fragmented memories.

There were faces staring at him through the glass, waiting with calm, clinical interest as he choked and sputtered on the mustered gas they filled his transparent prison with. Taking notes and jotting down their observations as his lungs burned and he coughed up blood, his eyes feeling as though they were melting inside his head.

“What happened?” Natasha asked with calm urgency, Clint right behind her as the glass door slid open. Steve was on the ground, both hands holding on to Bucky’s biceps as the Soldier was gasping, eyes wide in panic but unseeing, his body convulsing as he coughed and sputtered for breath, choking.

“It appears after the 29th round of serum injection the subject’s healing rate from chemical burns has increased by 17% …. The skin on his chest has healed sufficiently and we will proceed with the next evaluation of bone density and healing rate by refracturing the fingers of his right hand as well as the femur of his left leg to measure the serums effects on both the large and small bones.” The doctor looked over at a guard with a sledgehammer who nodded as he stood over the restrained Soldier chained to the tile floor.

“Agggghhhhhh,….” Bucky cried out as he cowered on the ground, pulling his flesh hand into himself, eyes still wide and unfocused. Steve brought his hands up to cradle his friends face up as he tried to get Bucky’s frightened gaze to focus, feeling his own growing sense of panic as Bucky would not respond. He looked at Natisha who was at his side and Clint who stood in the doorway.

“I don’t know,…. He just started to panic and then he dropped.” Steve’s voice was strong and determined despite his own anguish at seeing his friend gripped in agony.

“Het,…Nin,… No,…no….”Bucky cried out with a whimper that was heartbreaking.

“It’s a flashback,… he’s reliving it.” Clint’s voice was steady, but his eyes shone bright in empathetic pain, understanding what kind of personal hell Bucky was trapped in.

He was restrained with cuffs chaining his one hand behind him and his feet together as men stomped him and kicked him into the ground, electric batons burning his sides. He was gasping and chocking on his own blood as he heard their taunts and jeers, laughing at him but also snarling with anger and contempt.

“You try to escape!.... Kill two of our comrades!” A man with a nasty scare over his face grabbed him by his shaggy, uncut hair and shook his head hard. “You are Property of Hydra!... We will teach you to be obedient,… we will teach you your place dog!” His words were in english with a heavy Russian accent as he spit in the captives face before standing up and accepting a bull whip from a fellow officer. The prisoner glared back at him in defiance but as the whip cracked over his naked flesh he gave a howl of pain and shut his eyes tight against the laughter of the men who watched him suffer, standing over his broken body in the glass cage he would never escape.

The Soilder squeezed his eyes shut and let out a another cry of pain, his body contorting as if he had just been struck.

“Bucky, Please,….Common pal!” Steve begged, feeling helpless as Bucky twisted and sobbed, each cry pierced Steve’s heart. It was clear that whatever tortures memory his friend was reliving was so intense that his body was reacting to the violence and he had no control, and no way to break free.

“What do I do Nat?.... He’s in pain!” Steve’s calm had finally broke and he looked at her with desperation and agony, as he clutched his friend’s gasping, convulsing form.

“Jarvis play 1940’s jazz and alert Wilson and Doctor Banner!” Natisha spoke aloud as she stood up and grabbed a rose from near by.

“I’ll get a washcloth, Cap try to keep him up and get his eyes on you.” Clint spoke with a direct tone before heading toward the common room. Steve shifted Bucky who was no longer crying out but was simply sobbing silently, jaw locked as he shook, eyes still squeezed close.

“Bucky,…. Open your eyes,…. I need you to look at me,… You’re not there Buck,… please,… come back to me!” Steve’s tone started off as a command but ended as a plea, his own emotions chocked in his throat. With another broken sob Bucky’s eyes blinked open but his glossy gaze was still not focused and he looked completely lost, teeth gritted against the phantom pain his body was still shaking from.

“Smell this rose Barnes,... try to focus on what you smell.” Natasha’s tone was direct and forceful, an order that seemed to register in some way as the Soldier flinched at the words but then complied, taking in deep breaths through his noise as she held the pink flower to his face. He blinked a few times with a look of slight confusion, but his eyes remained unfocused. Steve held him up, both hands gripping his bi-ceps as he watched Bucky’s expression go from pained to confused and distressed, eyes still unseeing.

“Is he violent?” Sam asked as he followed Clint into the doorway of the green house, the archer crouching down next to Natisha and handing the warm wash cloth to Steve who started gently wiping it over Bucky’s tear stained face.

“No,… but he dissociated,…we are trying to bring him back to now.” Natasha confirmed as she nodded at the rose and Sam nodded back. 

“Steve, keep talking to him,… tell him where he is.” Sam stated and Steve nodded as he looked back at Bucky who was still shaking, but his eyes were blinking as he started looking around, whimpers of distress and confusion chocking from his trembling lips, sounding like a freighted animal.

“Bucky,…. Hey, Buck,… You are safe,… You are at the Avenger’s tower with me,…..With your Steve,…” His voice was gentle but firm, his own emotions swallowed down as he focused on bringing Bucky out of his violent flash back. Bucky took in a few shuddered breaths as his eyes fluttered and he looked up, blinking the tears from his eyes as he focused on Steve’s face and let out a gasp of recognition.

“Steve…?” His voice wobbled as if he wasn’t sure what he was seeing was real, and he brought his shaking flesh hand up to touch the Captains slightly parted lips before looking to his eyes.

“Yea Buck,… it’s me pal,… I got you,… Your safe.” He promised and Bucky let out a frantic breath as he shook his head violently, hand gripping the side of his own head.

“No Steve,…no,no,no,….we’re trapped,… they are watching, always watching,… can’t hid,….can’t get away…”His breathing escalated again and he began to rock before suddenly becoming ill, vomiting off to the side barley missing Steve.

“Breath Sergeant,…. Steve put his hand on your chest..,” Sam instructed from the door way, staying back as Natisha and Clint backed up as well, aware that even with the flash back over he was still likely to suffer a panic attack that could result in defensive behavior. Steve understood and remembered his asthma attacks and how Bucky had coached him through them so many times before.

“Bucky take deep breaths,….. feel my chest,… try to match my breathing,… that’s it,… in and out,… I need you to breath for me and look me in the eyes.” Steve had regained his composure and fixed Bucky with steady, patient eyes as he held Bucky’s flesh palm to his chest and wiped the warm wash cloth over his face again to wipe away the sick from his trembling lips. Bucky was following his Steve’s orders and tried to match his breathing, blue eyes still filled with tears and pain but his sobs had stopped and his shaking was less intense.

Banner arrived, standing just outside with a needle of an anti-psychotic sedative hidden in his coat pocket. It was a version he had designed for himself but had adapted for Bucky’s genetic makeup in case he lost control. The doctor stayed back with the others as they watched The Captain coach the distressed Soldier into slowing down his frantic breaths, offering gentle reassurances as the Soldier was gradually calming down.

“It’s okay Bucky,… it’s over,… you are safe here with me,… I won’t let anyone hurt you Buck,… whatever you just felt,… it’s over now.” Steve promised as Bucky let out a quite whimper as his hand fisted Steve’s shirt and he brought his bowed head forward into Steve chest letting out another shuddered breath. He was still trembling, and his eyes held tears, but his breaths had slowed and evened out. Steve embraced him and kissed the top of his head as he looked down at his emotionally devastated friend and then over to his teammates who stood a few yards away.

“Lets get him back inside Steve,… get him somewhere he feels safe and comfortable.” Sam suggested and The Captain nodded. 

“Bucky,… we are going back inside okay?... Can you stand up with me?” Steve asked, trying to will his voice to sound stronger than he felt at that moment. Bucky nodded, face still hidden in Steve’s chest before he glanced over toward the others with a full body shudder.

“They are blocking the exit Steve,… we are trapped.” His voice was a whisper, watching the other Avengers from the corner of his eyes, biting his lip as he kept his hand in his Steve’s shirt as if terrified to let go.

“No Bucky,… we aren’t trapped,… they are not here to hurt you or me,… they were just helping me bring you back,… you just got lost in some bad memories,...but no one here will hurt you like Hydra did.” Steve tried to reassure, and the others took the hint and moved away from the door way, heading back inside to give the POW his space. With a few more patient minutes of reassurance Steve managed to coax his weary friend to stand up and with his arm wrapped around Bucky, and the Soldier still gripping the front of his shirt they headed out of the green house and back inside the common room where Natasha handed Steve a large plush blanket that he wrapped Bucky in before guiding him to sit down.

The Soldier felt exhausted but still on edge, wanting to hide but too drained to move, instead burrowing into Steve’s side with the blanket wrapped around him, hiding his face as he focused on trying to force himself to be still and calm.

“What do you need right now Bucky,… what would make you feel good again?” Steve asked softly as he kept his arm securely around his friend who had not stopped shaking. Bucky let out a shuddered breath as Steve reached into the blanket to caress his face but stopped when Bucky flinched. As he withdrew his hand Bucky’s flesh one shot up and grabbed it, pressing it to his face as his large vulnerable eyes remained fixed on Steve’s face, a desperate look painting lines of stress on his expression.

“It’s okay,… I am right here Bucky,… and so are you,… you are with me at the Avenger’s tower, with people who will not hurt you,… do you understand that?” Steve questioned and Bucky nodded hesitantly, gaze full of questions and need but jaw locked. Steve studied his friend’s expression before glancing uncertainly toward Sam.

“Should I ask him to talk about it?” Steve questioned aloud with a helpless shrug, feeling out of his depth and not sure what to do next.

“Does he look like he has something he wants to say?.... Or is he out of it?” Sam asked from across the room, no one else able to see Bucky’s expression as he was hidden in the blanket. 

Steve looked back down and Bucky watched him with eyes that begged for reassurance and the need to believe that what he just felt would never happen again. Steve swallowed as he considered how to best help his friend in that moment, debating weather privacy would be best.

“Bucky,… do you want us to be alone,… or can the others be here while I ask you what you just remembered?” Steve whispered as he continued to caress his friend’s face with a soft expression. The Soldier pouted for a moment as he considered the question. He was still reeling from the intense emotional toll of recovering memories that did in fact belong to the defiant POW Bucky Barnes and not the obedient, well programmed Winter Soldier. The pain and fear invoked in those memories also brought with them feelings he barley understood but recognized as shame and humiliation. His weakness had been on full display, his vulnerability and suffering the object of observation and for that reason he desperately needed to hide. However, there was another aspect to his fear, and that was the possibility of being subjected to experiments and conditioning by other Avengers and SHEILD agents who his Steve had already told him he had to obey. Despite the Captain’s reassurance that no one at the Tower would harm him, he did not trust them and wanted his Steve to state Infront of the others his declaration of protection so that they would know for certain he could not be harmed by order of the Captain.

“It’s okay Buck,... you don’t have to answer,…you can speak whenever you feel ready.” Steve offered and the Soldier looked up at him with a pensive frown as he considered what he should say. 

“Will you tell them Steve?” Bucky asked softly, needed to be sure that his Steve would make good on his promise that no one was allowed to hurt him,…. Because Steve loved Bucky,… and even though he didn’t know what that meant, he knew that Steve had said it was the reason he would not be punished or subjected to pain. Steve studied Bucky’s face and tried to ascertain the meaning of his words.

“I won’t tell them if you don’t want me to Buck,… it’s up to you.” Steve offered and Bucky’s expression deflated as he wrestled internally with the word want and how to express himself.

“I,….You,…” He stumbled with his words as he looked off to the side trying to control his confusion and answer his Steve. Steve remained quiet and patient as did the others, exchanging looks of sympathy as they heard the muffled response of fragmented speech, recognizing how difficult it was for Bucky to break through the Winter Soldier’s programing especially after experiencing such a volatile flash back that seemed to tear him apart.

“Hey,… it’s your Birthday remember,… and I explained this morning that you can say or ask for whatever you want,… and I will help you practice so you can say what you want other days to,… whenever you’re ready.” Steve reminded him softly and Bucky looked up and nodded, feeling a sense of calm wash over him as focused on what the Captain said as a direct order. Bucky was to express what he wanted. He swallowed and spoke with a determined look.

“I want them to know,…I want you to tell them,… all of them!” Bucky responded, his voice steady and certain. Steve blinked and nodded slowly.

“Okay Bucky,… What do you want me to tell them?” Steve asked carefully, trying to follow his friend’s thoughts but not sure exactly what to say. Bucky looked at Steve hesitantly and pulled down the blanket to look over at the other Avengers, eyes scanning their faces before looking back at Steve.

“I want you to tell ALL of them Steve!” Bucky’s voice was pleading and slightly anxious. Steve looked from Bucky up to the others in confusion before he blinked in thought.

“Do you want Tony Stark here too?” Steve asked slightly surprised as Bucky had only met Tony once so far in the past 5 days and when Ironman had begun talking about upgrading his arm Bucky had gone still and silent with a forced blank expression beneath eyes that where large with fear and fixed to the floor. Steve had instantly tried to reassure Bucky and Stark had attempted to defuse the situation but in the end he had excused himself at Sam’s suggestion and Bucky had remained silent the rest of that day until being gripped by violent dreams that night. Steve had found him huddled in the corner shielding his arm as he mumbled in different languages about mantaince and not needing repairs as he was fully functional.

Bucky nodded once, eyes locked with Steve over a tense expression, sitting up straight but still wrapped in the blanket. Steve nodded back with obvious uncertainty and looked toward the other as he spoke with a hesitant tone.

“Uh,… Jarvis,… can you ask Mr. Stark to join us,… please?” Steve asked aloud, eyes still watching Bucky with puzzlement.

“Ms. Pots?” Bucky asked, his voice even but expression weary as if he was already loosing his confidence to voice his thoughts.

“She is out of the Country on business right now Bucky,… But I will tell her if you want when she returns.” Natisha offered and Bucky gave her a small frown then looked pointedly at Steve.

“Or I will Bucky,… I will tell whoever you want me to.” Steve reassured but he was beginning to feel apprehensive as he was still uncertain exactly what Bucky so desperately wanted him to communicate to the others. The Soldier nodded with a small sigh looking down as he prepared himself for what he wanted to say. He needed his Steve, Captain America, Leader of the Avengers to make it clear to all those in his direct command that his Bucky was not going to be subjected to painful stimuli for any reason. Steve loved him, and he made Bucky a promise that he would be safe and secure, able to operate and function as James Buchanan Barnes without the fear and uncertainty that without the Captain present and by his side he could be forced to comply and would once again be treated with cruel disregard and malicious intent.

“Hey gang,… family meeting?” Stark questioned as he showed up wearing goggles on his head and grease on his hands with one smudge on his face. He was wearing designer jeans and an ACDC t-shirt looking relaxed and informal. Bucky glanced at him with slight confusion as last time he had seen the technician he was in a fancy suite with purple tinted glasses. 

“Tony,… Bucky just had a pretty intense flashback and he wants Steve to tell us something,… he asked for us all to be here.” Natasha filled him in with a tone and familiarity she rarely used, giving him a pointed look. The genius mechanic looked quizzically at the Widow and then over to Bucky who watched their interaction and then quickly lowered his eyes, body facing Steve as under the blanket he grabbed Steve’s hand and held on.

“It’s okay,... I got ya Buck.” Steve promised, squeezing his hand back, other hand stroking through his hair as he nodded his reassurance.

“Okay,… I get the sense that this trip down memory lane is going to be horrific so why not!.... Sharing is caring right Bucky Bear!” Stark quipped as he headed for the kitchen to grab a strong drink, Clint and Natisha both nodding they wanted one too.

“I am not a bear.” Bucky whispered with his eyes on Steve’s chest. The Captain smiled softly and nodded.

“Yea,.. I know Bucky,…” He tried to sooth but his words caught as Bucky looked up with deep humiliation and pain in his eyes.

“I am not a bear, or a dog,… I am not an animal Steve,…. You said I am a person,… you said…” His words choked slightly, his emotions still raw and exposed as he blinked rapidly and took in another shuddering breath. Steve nodded with a more serious expression.

“Yes,… your right!... You are NOT an animal Bucky,…. Or a machine or a weapon,… you are person.” Steve confirmed and the others all watched with concern, recognizing that the painful dehumanization he went through at Hydra’s hands was beginning to surface.

“Tell them Steve,…. I want you to tell them.” Bucky begged, his eyes squeezing shut as his demanded request twisted in his gut and he felt nauseous, the programing threatening to choke his words. Steve let out a breath and then spoke, turning toward the other with a sad, concerned expression.

“Sergeant James Buchannan Barnes is not an animal,…or a machine,… or a weapon,… he is a person,… He is my Bucky,…” Steve looked back at his friend who opened his eyes with a shuddered breath glancing up at Steve and then over to the others with his head down, watching them with caution and a growing sense of anxious humility. Part of him didn’t want to say anything else, didn’t want to confess the shame and humiliation he had endured and the excruciating pain he had just remembered but he needed his Steve to tell them,… he needed to know that he would be safe and that Steve meant what he said when they were alone or with just Sam and Bruce. 

“Stark said Bear,…and you just said dog,… is that what they called you Bucky?” Bruce asked with a sad expression and Bucky shot him a look and then dropped his gaze with a small nod.

“I am not an animal,…” Bucky’s breath picked up and he looked at Steve with the same desperate look, bottom lip trembling as he spoke again. “They can’t lock me in an observation cell,…. A glass cage I can’t break,… can’t hid…. I don’t want them to watch me Steve,… Tell them!” Bucky’s voice was shaking, his words rushed and stuttered, speech unnatural in rhythm but with a hint of Brooklyn as he searched the Captain’s face with a need for reassurance. Steve’s heart sank and his mouth dropped as he thought about the green house and his promise to Bucky that the glass couldn’t be broken and that Natisha and Clint where watching them.

“Oh Bucky,…. Christ I am so sorry,…. I didn’t know,…. I didn’t realize,…..” Steve felt his emotions well up, but he was brought back as Bucky begged him again.  
“Tell them Steve!” Bucky’s voice was broken and he looked frightened as he shook. Steve’s heart shattered as he began to understand. Bucky wanted his Steve to tell the Avenger’s what they could not do to him, he thought that with Steve’s command, he would be safe from whatever hell he had just remembered. Steve kept hold of his hand, and the other remained on his face. He nodded and turned toward the others who all shared a sympathetic expression, Stark staring at his glass and Bruce pinching his noise as Natisha and Clint simply nodded and Sam whipped his mouth.

“You can’t…..” Steve’s own voice was strained, and he cleared his throat. “No one is allowed to lock Bucky up in any kind of cell,… and he can be alone without anyone watching him whenever he says that’s what he needs.” Steve tried to keep his tone firm for Bucky’s benefit as he considered how he was going to address this topic with Fury and SHIELD who had already stated that when Bucky was stabilized he would need to be given over for clinical observation for a minimum of five days to ensure he was no longer a threat. He looked at Natasha who simply nodded again, her gaze communicating that she was aware of what he was thinking and that they would figure it out together. He sighed and looked back at Bucky, swallowing down his own anxious emotions as he reminded himself that he had to be strong because Bucky needed him to be there to help protect him and make him feel safe.

“What else Bucky,…. What else do you want me to tell them,… it’s okay,… what ever it is,… whatever they did to you,… I promise we will make sure it NEVER happens again,… You can say it pal,… I got you Buck…” Steve caressed his friends face and Bucky let out another shuddered breath, his eyes squeezing against the threat of tears as he tried to control his emotions, hating how exposed he still felt.

“They can’t,…. They can’t experiment on me,…. To see how fast I heal,…. From chemical burns,… They can’t break my bones with a hammer,…or fill my cell with mustard gas.” Bucky was mumbling with his head down and eyes closed as the vicious memories played before his eyes. Steve made a pained sound and shook his head as he leaned forward and kissed Bucky’s bowed head and then pressed his forehead against him with his own anguish sigh. He sat up and look at Bucky’s hunched form as he spoke with a fierce tone. Trying to keep his anguish in check.

“No one will EVER experiment on Sergeant Barnes,….. No one will burn him in anyway, or deliberately break his bones or poison him with mustard gas,…. Any type of gas or cause him any injuries at all,…. For any reason!” Steve wanted Bucky to understand, he needed him to understand that he was safe now. Bucky looked up with a hopeful expression even as Steve felt himself dying inside.

“No punishments with Stun batons or Bull whips,… even if I try to escape,… or if I don’t comply…?” Bucky’s tone was a breathless whisper of disbelief, eyes shining bright with unshed tears as if he could hardly believe how generous his Steve was being but still afraid he was pushing his luck and asking for too much, even if today was special because of the anniversary of his birth. Steve couldn’t take it, he couldn’t take Bucky’s expression or the thought of all the pain his friend had been subjected to. He grabbed his first love, with a hand on each side of his face, eyes blazing over an expression of tempered rage.

“If anyone,…any person in this world, tries to hurt you Bucky,… With stun batons, or Bull Whips or just lays a hand on you to cause pain,… I will kill them,… Do you understand Buck?.... I will NEVER let another person hurt you Bucky,….. for any reason,…. For any purpose,…. And If they do,…. They will die as soon as I get my hands on them,…. I promise you Bucky!” Steve’s voice was quiet and shaking with pent up rage, tempered only by his need to comfort and protect Bucky, to reassure him.

“Do you understand that Bucky?” He asked again quietly with his own intense stare. Bucky looked at him with genuine shock, mouth open and eyes wide.  
“Because you love me Steve?” He asked almost timidly, swallowing as he recognized the boiling anger in Steve’s gaze, almost feeling afraid. Steve nodded and swallowed before he spoke, aware of just how intense he was behaving. He stroked Bucky’s face and pulled him closer, kissing his forehead before hugging him in a firm protective grip.

“Yea Bucky,…. Because I love you.” Steve answered. And he looked over at the others who quietly recognized just how serious he was. “I love you, and they all know it,… No one here will hurt you,… your safe pal,… I swear to God Bucky,… you are safe now!” The Soldier kept his expression hidden in his Steve’s chest, smiling with relief even as his Steve was shaking with rage and grief. The others looked at one another with the knowledge that the more horrific truths were revealed about what Hydra did to Bucky Barnes, the more they had to make sure Steve didn’t become consumed in hate, realizing just how dangerous the Captain could become, Agent Hill’s warning ringing loudly in their ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So lots of angst and feels. Some chapters will be lighter, and some will have more dark moments. I am trying to depict the Winter Soldier with the cracks in his programing from memories and the emotions that go with them as Bucky’s true self trying to break through. As in other stories I try to think of it as a battle of two different identities who share the same body slowly merging into one self.


	11. My Good Bucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Warning- Mild self- harm and mentioned, (Not graphic), past rap/ non-con of a child,… not Bucky or Steve. These early Chapters are full of Bucky tears as self-actualization can be quite brutal for a moral and just man who is beginning to realize what monster Hydra had turned him into. The Winter Soldier is no longer detached from his humanity and the emotional toll of his past weighs heavy on his heart.

Bridge over troubled watters (John Legend version if you are listening) When you're weary, feeling small  
When tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all  
I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough  
And friends just can't be found  
Like a bridge over troubled water  
I will lay me down  
Like a bridge over troubled water  
I will lay me down  
When you're down and out  
When you're on the street  
When evening falls so hard  
I will comfort you  
I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes  
And pain is all around  
Like a bridge over troubled water  
I will lay me down  
Like a bridge over troubled water  
I will lay me down

It had been nearly two weeks since Steve had brought Bucky back to the Avengers Tower and each day steady progress was made in breaking through the Winter Soldier’s programing. However, there were still setbacks and heart shattering moments that left Steve swallowing down his despair and anger as he tried to console and reassure the man he loved who was far from free of Hydra’s torment and cruelty. Banner had started giving Bucky medication that helped him sleep at night and subdued the intensity and frequency of his nightmares. As a result, Steve found himself feeling guilty as he lay awake in his own bed wishing he had a reason to invade Bucky’s privacy just to be close to him. He craved the intimacy they once secretly shared but knew that to want Bucky in that way was selfish when his friend had no understanding of consent, only compliance.   
On one such night Steve was almost asleep when he heard the faint chime on his stark tablet that was Jarvis’s signature tone. He blinked his eyes groggily and lifted the tablet from the bed side table as he read the text message from the AI who only communicated covertly when silence was required.  
Captain Rodgers, Sergent Barnes awoke from a nightmare 1 hour and 26 minutes ago. He has just left his bedroom and has positioned himself in the conjoining bathroom kneeling in front your bedroom door. I believe he is in distress but does not intend to disturb you.   
Steve set down the tablet and quietly rose from his bed, stopping just on the other side of the door. He paused as he heard the almost silent gasp from the other side as if Bucky was holding his breath.   
“Buck,….. I’m gonna open the door,… it’s okay……” Steve spoke softly before twisting the knob and pulling it open. He blinked into the dark bathroom and looked down at Bucky who was kneeling on the tiled floor, hunched over with both arms wrapped around himself silently shaking. The captain knelt down Infront of the cowering man and reached forward, ignoring the flinch that he had finally grown used to. Bucky let out a small choked breath as Steve’s warm palm rested on his flesh bicep, a shiver running through him as he kept his eyes squeezed shut, head bowed.   
“Hey Bucky,… you had a nightmare huh?” Steve questioned gently and received a single jerky nod as Bucky took in a shuddered breath.  
“Would you like to stay in my room tonight?” Steve offered as he inched closer and brought his hand from Bucky’s shoulder up to his chin, attempting to raise his friends face. He let out a deep sigh when Bucky met his gaze with a broken expression of pain, humility, fear and anguish, eyes wet but cheeks dry. The Soldier let out a small noise of distress but kept his jaw clamped shut as he gave another nod, before biting his lip as his metal arm squeezed his side, digging his metal flingers into the steadily forming bruises he had been clawing into his skin since waking up from his blood soaked dream. Steve gave a small, sad smile as he ran a hand through Bucky’s hair and nodded back, standing up and offering his hand. Bucky took the offered palm with his own flesh hand and stumbled to his feet, fingers of his left hand pushing harder into his skin as he tried to use the pain to focus as well as punish himself not just for waking his Steve, but also in an attempt to lessen the tremendous feelings of guilt and self-hate that had bloomed within his conscious mind as he steadily began to remember the carnage he released on countless victims.   
Part of his recovery and progress toward relearning how to function as a person instead of as a weapon was to understand feelings and emotions, specifically his own. Sam Wilson had been carefully supporting his developing sense of self by helping him understand emotional intelligence and self-awareness. The VA counselor worked with him alongside his team of Psychiatrist to help him identify his feelings and how they related to his thoughts and effected his behaviors and interactions with others. Despite his initial reluctant acceptance of the doctors, nurses and other Avengers, the Soldier was learning to trust the medical staff and Steve’s teammates, not just obey them.   
It was during one of these sessions of learning about feelings that the former Asset made the decision to disclose to Sam about the confusing way he had felt during his failed mission at the 11th base when he watched the Falcon and the other members of the Avenger’s help his Steve who had been shot by the toxic bullet. Sam had begun to teach him the vocabulary to go along with his rediscovered emotions and Bucky was still trying to remember how they all related, often referencing the therapeutic emotion’s chart and definitions when he felt overwhelmed and disoriented by intense and at times conflicting, emotions brought on by flashbacks and recovered memories. The former Hydra Assassin had begun to understand that for every good emotion there were bad ones and with this dawning realization, Bucky was starting to recognize how he felt about his actions as the Winter Soldier and just how horrific his crimes against humanity truly were.   
Steve held his flesh hand as he gently guided him toward the bed, secretly cursing himself for feeling grateful that Bucky’s tormented sleep meant he had a reason to stay with him that night. As Steve brought his friend to the edge of his own bed he reached out his other hand to encourage Bucky to relax into the mattress, intending to tuck him into bed before getting himself comfortable in the reclining chair that he still kept close by with a blanket and pillow ready. As Steve’s other hand reach toward Bucky he felt the intense grip of the metal fingers that were clutching his right side and the Captain paused. Steve’s hand landed on Bucky’s and he felt the strength of the tensed fingers even as the rest of his friend’s body was trembling.   
“Bucky,…. Let go of your side.” Steve spoke with concern and the Soldier responded with another choked cry of distress as he forced his fingers to release his aching right rib cage and curl into a fist at his side.   
“Jarvis, low light please.” Steve spoke to the AI as he gently pushed Bucky to sit stiffly on the edge of his bed. As the light slowly turned on and Steve’s eyes adjusted, he could see just how ridged Bucky’s tensed form was on his bed. He looked at Bucky’s face but his head was again bowed, hair curtaining his expression, both hands in tight fits at his side. Steve carefully lifted the hem of Bucky’s white tee shirt and heard yet another muted whimper that escaped from a mouth clamped shut.   
“Jesus Buck,…..” Steve exhaled as he took in the deep decolorization of bruising on His friend’s right side, aware that the color had already set in which meant he had been griping his flesh hard for well over an hour. The Captain let out a sigh as he wiped his face then carefully touched the tender flesh before raising his eyes to study his friend’s expression. Bucky had been watching him but his gaze skirted to the side the moment Steve looked up at his face that was mostly obscured by his hair.   
“Hey,… what’s going on Bucky?.... Why did you hurt yourself pal?” Steve questioned as he carefully pushed Bucky’s hair out of his face as his friend trembled and flinched at the soft touch. Without meeting Steve’s eyes he simply shook his head, hoping he could get away without trying to explain the distorted thinking that he could hardly understand himself.   
“Bucky,… look at me please.” Steve sighed as he took a seat next to his friend on the mattress and rest one hand on his back rubbing in soothing circles, the other rest carefully over the bruises protectively, hand soft against the tender flesh just under his shirt. Bucky let out another quivering breath and looked up at Steve with eyes so filled with agony that Steve felt his own chest ach.   
“Bucky,… please,…. Just try to tell me what you’re thinking,….. how you are feeling night now?” Steve asked with a lump in his throat, wanting more than anything to relive his friends pain. Bucky looked exhausted and so incredibly sad but also afraid and perhaps angry, tormented by his inability to handle the onslaught of emotions that came with the nightmares and fragmented memories.   
“Bad Steve…..” Bucky whispered with a quivering sigh.   
“Why are you feeling Bad Bucky?” Steve asked softly, repeating the familiar question, their lines to one another feeling almost scripted.   
“I……” Bucky’s voice was a horse whisper and it broke into a quiet sob as he spoke, eyes shining bright as tears flooded his vision. “I am Bad Steve,…. Hydra made me bad,……made me hurt so many people,….So much blood Steve,….. too much….” He tried to keep his breathing even but he shook with another sob and with out realizing it Bucky’s metal hand came up to pull on his hair as he grit his teeth.   
“Hey,… no,…. No hurting yourself Bucky, remember?… I told you that wasn’t allowed.” Steve chided as he reached up toward the metal hand that instantly let go of his hair as he let out a pained wine as if realizing he had just defied his Steve.   
“I will comply Steve, I will comply!” Bucky sobbed desperately as Steve shushed him and pulled him into an embrace.   
“Hey now,… shhhh,… It’s okay,…I’m not mad,… it’s okay,… Your okay Bucky!” Steve promised as he held his friend’s shaking body, letting Bucky fold himself into Steve and hide his face.   
“I got ya Bucky,… I know this is hard Pal,… I know you feel bad Bucky,… I am so sorry.” Steve spoke with a soothing, even tone, having gotten better at remaining calm when Bucky was gripped in panic or other intense feelings and memories he was tormented by.   
“I am bad Steve,… I am bad,… so much blood,… I remember,… I remember all of them,… I killed them,…I am bad!” Bucky was sobbing softly, both hands wrapped around himself hugging and Steve had to once again stop Bucky from digging into his bruised rib cage. He used one hand to interlace his fingers with Bucky’s metal ones pulling them away as his other hand pet the back of his friend’s head that was pressed against his chest.   
“No, Bucky,… No,…. You are not bad,… Hydra is bad,…. Hydra was bad to you, and hurt you to make you hurt others,… But you are not bad,… You are good,… you are my good Bucky!” Steve spoke with calm authority, wanting so much to relive his friend from the crippling guilt.   
“Say it Bucky,… Say I am not bad.” Steve ordered as he gently guided Bucky’s tear streaked face up until he could look directly into the grey blue eyes of his conflicted friend. “Take a deep breath,… that’s it Buck,… Now, say I am not bad.” Steve’s voice remained strong and authoritative even as inside he wanted to cry. Bucky let out a choked sob, eyes leaking as he kept his attention on Steve.   
“I am not bad.” His words were whispered as his eyes shown with tears and his bottom lip trembled. Steve sighed as he realized ordering Bucky to say he wasn’t bad did not mean he would believe it. Compliance was not the same as understanding and it was one of the many obstacles the Captain faced when trying to help Bucky overcome his Hydra programing while learning to recognize his own thoughts and feelings through a filter of distorted logic and an overpowering sense of guilt. He took a moment to think as he wiped the tears from Bucky’s cheeks, other hand still holding the metal one to ensure he would not continue to harm himself.   
“Bucky,… Do you remember the name of the feeling that makes you feel bad for hurting and killing other people?” Steve asked softly as he gave a comforting smile beneath his own grief stricken eyes. Bucky nodded once as he took in a quivering breath.   
“What is the feeling Buck?” Steve couched him as he continued his gentle caresses, tucking Bucky’s hair behind his ears so it didn’t stick to his wet face.   
“Guilt.” The Soldier answered softly with a whisper, his gaze desperate and fixed on Steve, needed him to help relieve the pain that was gripping his heart.   
“Yea,… You are feeling guilty because Hydra forced you to do bad things you didn’t want to do, if you were bad, then you would not be upset about the people you hurt or the lives that were lost… You were a prisoner Bucky,… You had no choice,… and the moment you broke free from Hydra,… The first thing you did was save me from drowning,… And then you fought back against Hydra,… You destroyed all those bases because you knew they were bad,… and that proves that you are good,… You were always good Bucky,… That’s why Hydra had to hurt you and use the chair to recalibrate you,… Because they needed to control you to make you do bad things,… You never choose to hurt people.” Steve explained hoping Bucky could understand the rational and that it might ease his guilty conscious enough to let him rest.   
The Soldier blinked in thought and then bit his lip and looked off to the side, something Bucky had always done whenever he had a thought that he wasn’t sure he wanted to say. The familiarity of the expression was one of the few character traits Steve recognized in his friend who was still struggling to remember his past and embrace his own humanity, trapped by the conditioning and dehumanization of his years spent as Hydra’s attack dog.   
“What is it Bucky?... it’s okay,… whatever you are thinking,…you can tell me.” Steve promised as he lovingly stroked the side of his friend’s face, aware how touch starved he was and the grounding affect it had. Bucky’s eyes darted up to Steve then away again before he spoke with a low, mumbled tone.   
“I hurt people,… before Hydra Steve.” Bucky’s voice was cautious as if his statement was an act of defiance against Steve and he was afraid of the response. Steve continued the comforting touches as he considered what Bucky had said, tilting his head to the side.   
“What do you remember Bucky?... When did you hurt people before Hydra?” Steve encouraged him to speak, wishing Bucky didn’t still fear voicing his own thoughts. The Soldier pouted as his brow furled and when he answered his eyes were distant and off to the side.   
“In the war,… I killed many people,… I shot them.” Bucky’s voice was low and his eyes glazed over. Steve nodded and offered a small smile.   
“Yea,… That’s true Bucky,… But you were a Sergeant in the United States Army, and as a Howling Commando you fought by my side, with our friends, Dungan, Mortia, Gab, Jarire, Monty,…. You remember them right?” Steve asked and Bucky nodded numbly, eyes briefly drifting up to Steve’s face before lowering again, blinking slowly as he tried to picture the faces that went with the names he had only recently began to remember.   
“We were fighting against Hydra and the Nazis because they were the Bad guys and they hurt many, many people,… We wanted to stop them from killing and harming other people,…. So we had to fight them,…we had no other choice… You,…” Steve paused and for a moment as he thought back to the War and pictured Bucky’s exhausted and haunted face lite by the camp fire, hand shaking as he hit the flask, eyes lost in a torment he would never speak aloud. Steve considered the man before him now, recognizing that same hunted expression, compounded by years of trauma and death, dulled only slightly by the thick fog of confusion. Steve sighed as he shook his head and offered a small, sad smile as he cradled the side of Bucky’s head.   
“You never liked killing people Bucky,… but you were a great sharp shooter and you watched my back,… you protected me,… That is why you fought,… To protect people from being hurt,… you wanted to be good and help other people.” Steve reasoned as Bucky looked up at him with a look of tremendous sadness before he swallowed and lowered his gaze again, shoulders shaking but breathing even.   
“I wanted to kill a boy,… before the war,… I had a brick in my hand,...” Bucky’s voice was hardly above a whisper, as if his confession was proof that he was bad despite Steve’s declaration otherwise. The Captain thought about the statement and tried to recall what memory Bucky was referencing, briefly contemplating how he could help his friend regain memories that made him feel good about himself instead of drowning in guilt. Steve blinked as he took a moment before recognition dawned and he let out a long sigh, carding his hand through Bucky’s hair before taking his hand and rubbing his knuckles.   
“I remember when that happened Bucky,… You were just a kid,… only 15 I think,… and you…” Steve paused as he swallowed, feeling his own heart ache as he remembered the anguish in his best friend’s eyes as he stepped in between Bucky and the older boy who was already on the ground bleeding and begging. Bucky stood shaking with the raised brick that already had the other boy’s blood on it from his broken noise and smashed teeth. Steve stood panting out of breath from chasing Bucky through the back allies of Brooklyn, knowing that his friend was filled with uncontrolled rage that could result in a lethal encounter for the target of his hatred. Steve had talked him into lowering the brick and pulled Bucky away before he could kill the older teen, bringing him back to his apartment were he watched his friend weep like he had never seen him cry before. It was the first of many times when the ugliness of the world took a piece of James Buchanan Barnes and left him with a wound that never truly healed, just made him tougher and a little bit more guarded.   
Steve sighed as he shook his head before meeting Bucky’s questioning eyes, desperate for reassurance that he was not the monster Hydra trained him to become and that he really was the good Bucky Steve promised he was.   
“Do you remember why you wanted to kill him Bucky?” Steve asked as he searched his friend’s pensive expression, eyes sad but voice strong and soothing. Bucky shook his head slightly, not able to make eye contact with his Steve.   
“That boy was bad,… He hurt your little sister,… Katie,… You remember her?” Steve asked aware that Bucky had at least one but hopefully more memories of his kid sister who was only two and a half years younger but just as confident and self-assured as Bucky had ever been, head strong and quick to smile. That all changed the day when a boy 7 years older than the pre-teen decided to take away her innocence by force.   
Bucky and Steve had been looking for her all evening when she didn’t come home from school after her sewing club. Bucky had at first been annoyed as he had wanted to play stick ball with some other kids in the neighborhood but as the evening wore on he had grown steadily more concerned. When the boys had finally found her walking alone down the street toward their families’ apartment building that evening after night fall, that was when they knew something bad had happened. Her eyes had been glossy and distant, hair messy, red bow untied, knees scarped as she clutched her books to her chest, hiding a torn blouse beneath her sweater. It wasn’t until they guided her up the stairs of the building that Steve had noticed the dry blood on her legs that stained her white lace socks. Mrs. Barnes had known almost immediately and cradled her daughter while she cried, telling Steve to go get his mother who was a nurse at the hospital nearby. When he had made it back to the Barnes apartment with his mother Bucky was gone after learning the name of the boy who had assaulted his little sister and stolen her virginity at the tender age of 12.   
“Katie,… She had a red ribbon in her hair,… he hurt her…” Bucky’s voice was soft as he spoke with a frown, trying to remember. Steve nodded as he refocused on his friend who was struggling to piece together his fragmented memories and understand his past.   
“Yes,… he hurt your sister and you were upset,…You wanted to protect her,…You wanted to hurt him because he made her scared and made your mother cry… You were upset Bucky,… but you were never bad,…. That is why you put down the brick,…That is why you didn’t kill him even through you wanted to,… you were always good,… even when you were mad or hurt or scared,…Do you understand Bucky?... Do you understand that you are not bad,…. Even when you hurt others?” Steve asked with a mournful expression as Bucky blinked up at him with fresh tears in his eyes. He shook his head once before a quivered breath left his trembling lips and he hung his head covering his face with his flesh hand. Steve felt his heart shatter as he pulled Bucky back into him and kissed the top of his head as he held him tight.   
“It’s okay Bucky,… You are good,… I promise you have always been my good Bucky,… I love you,… Things will get better.” Steve reassured over the lump in his own throat and he soothed his friend as he gently coaxed him to lay down in the bed, pulling the comforter up and sighing as Bucky’s metal hand refused to let go of Steve’s, needing the connection but unable to ask, face hidden in the pillow as he shook. Steve thought about telling Bucky he had to let go of his hand but then considered what his reaction might be. He wanted to crawl in and comfort his friend, but he also didn’t want to take advantage of him in anyway. The Captain ran his free hand through his own hair as he considered what he should do, aware that Bucky had not let go but also had not pulled him into the bed.   
“Bucky,… do,…. do you want me to stay with you,… Sleep next to you,…in,… In the bed tonight?” Steve swallowed as he tried to focus on what his friend needed and reminded himself that he was not the one suggesting or pressuring anything. The moment the words left his mouth he saw the smallest jerky head motion that appeared to be a nod. Steve sighed as he nodded to himself and crawled in next to Bucky, wrapping an arm around him as the trembling soldier closed distance until his face was pressed into his Steve’s neck, wet tears against warm flesh.   
“We will be okay Bucky,… I got you pal,… I am with you Bucky,…. Till the end of the line,… I promise.” Steve spoke softly as he again kissed Bucky’s hair and lay awake wondering how he could help Bucky remember just how strong and beautiful he had always been instead of letting the guilt drown him in self-hatred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Okay,…. So as I go through and re-read / edit this story I realize there is a LOT of ANGST,… I hope the Hurt / comfort works well and is not too Lifetime movie. Let me know your thoughts.


	12. Mantaince is required

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Progress is inevitable but so is pain.

The next week passed with a few less panic attacks even as Bucky’s rapidly healing mind seemed to deliver a continuous flow of new memories that often resulted in flashbacks. Some were intensely traumatic leaving him reeling and disoriented, triggering his response to go numb and compliant, face blank as he functioned on auto pilot. It usually took an hour or so for him to recover his composure and sense of self enough to once more attempt to engage Steve and the others as Bucky Barnes and not the Soldier. 

However, he was also beginning to remember more and more of his past before Hydra, when he was just Bucky Barnes, not a Soldier or a Sergeant but a son and a big brother. He was a mischievous prankster that had his knuckles smacked in Catholic school. A dock worker who shared half his sandwich with a polish immigrant who couldn’t speak English and was mocked by the other Irish and Italian men all competing for the opportunity to make some money. A Jitterbug who couldn’t help but move when he heard a rhythm and won a dance contest at their high school with a red-haired girl named Dott. A charming and charismatic flirt who knew how to talk his way in or out of trouble with ease. And a best friend to a stubborn, bullheaded punk who never met a fist he didn’t get a black eye from. 

The memories of his life helped bring out his true self. Each glimpse of Bucky Barnes shining through Hydra’s programing took Steve’s breath away and left him with wet eyes and a dopy smile. The Captain sought advice from Sam and the Psychiatric team working with the recovering veteran and they suggested Steve actively engage Bucky in activities he use to enjoy to help trigger his earlier memories. Bucky’s metabolism had steadily improved, finally able to properly digest solid foods again and so Steve began to prepare meals that they had often eaten in the past together. Bucky seemed to enjoy Steve’s bland recipes even if the depression era cuisine didn’t taste half as good as what Stark’s personal chefs prepared for the residents of the tower day or night upon their request. Steve would put on records while he cooked, playing songs that he knew Bucky had loved to drunkenly sing off key to annoy Steve back when they had shared their tiny apartment in Brooklyn a life time ago. Those simple actions had resurfaced memories that gave Bucky a reason to offer a small uncertain smile with a curious expression as he ate quietly sitting at the kitchen table across from his Steve. The former Winter Soldier rarely spoke but would always answer when questioned, offering a half-remembered glimpse of a past he struggled to recognized as his own. It was a steady routine, the familiarity welcomed and comforting for them both and the Captain found himself eager to coerce more smiles and fond memories whenever he could. 

Bucky had also been allowed more freedom and began interacting with the other Avengers as they took turns engaging him in social activities while Sam subtly forced Steve to go for runs and take breaks from his constant Bucky duty. With Dr. Banner the recovering Soldier played Chess while sipping different teas that he was encouraged to describe the way they tasted and which ones he preferred. With Black Widow and Hawk Eye he played darts, pool and poker, all games he was very good at and seemed to enjoy, offering shy, small smiles when ever Clint invited him to join them. He still avoided Tony and seemed nervous and on edge whenever the mechanic was around, watching him intently but looking away when ever Stark returned the attention. It was obvious that Bucky did not trust Stark but could not or would not explain why when he was questioned, instead becoming quiet before eventually muttering he would comply when Steve tried to get him to open up. 

It was Natasha and Barton who had managed to learn the source of the Soldier’s distrust and fear of Stark late one evening during a tie braking round of pool. Bucky had been noticeably using his left hand less over the course of a few days and the whirling sound had been getting louder. With a grimace Bucky had adjusted his position over the table to get a better shot and the small movement of his prosthetic arm had sounded like gears grinding.

“What the hell was that?” Clint asked with a raised eyebrow and instantly Bucky had frozen, eyes darting up before dropping back down as he shook his head once and then made the shot, accuracy perfect.

“Sergeant Barnes, it sounds like there is something wrong with your prosthetic arm.” Natasha suggested calmly, remaining on the other side of the table as she watched him.

Bucky stood up and glanced in her direction before shaking his head again and stepping back to analyze the table for his next shot. Natasha and Clint exchanged looks while watching as Bucky moved to another area of the table, leaned over and this time only used his right hand to awkwardly stab at the cue ball, left arm ridged at his side in a fist. He sunk the ball despite the strange technique and continued to use his flesh arm only. The Archer and Widow said nothing further until a sudden buzzing sound began to emanate from the mechanical arm and Bucky stumbled away from the pool table, dropping the que as he grunted, flesh hand covering his mouth to smother any further sound of pain. His metal arm appeared to lock up in a bent angle, the buzzing sound becoming louder as his fingers twitched and spasmed before becoming locked ridged like the rest of his arm, the noise stopping suddenly.

“Barnes!.....What just happened?” Natasha spoke cautiously from the other side of the table her tone serious but voice even, watching him intently as he quietly snorted harsh breaths in the corner of the room. 

Bucky was facing away from them and he didn’t turn around until Natasha instructed him to do so with a calm direct order. When he finally faced them he kept his right hand tightly over his face as if it was his Hydra mussel, clearly wanting to hid behind it and use it to mask his expression of pain. Hair covered his eyes and his body was trembling where he stood with his eyes blinking rapidly at the floor to steady his swimming vision.

“Sergeant,… I need you to look at us and explain what just happened to your arm.” Barton spoke with his own calm authority as he took a few steps around the pool table, making a deliberate move to set down his pool cue and raise his hands, telegraphing his moves as Bucky nervously shifted and took a step back.

With reluctance the former Asset lifted his eyes toward the two SHEILD operatives and released his tight grip on his jaw, red marks becoming bruises visible on his check bones. Bucky opened his mouth and tried to form words but his tongue felt heavy and his vision was becoming distorted. He blinked a few times and swayed on his feet, flesh hand bracing against the wall as a bout of nausea and vertigo hit him hard. His palm pressed against the wall for balance as his legs shook from the strain of standing up right and he shook his head to try and clear his jumbled thoughts, feeling conflicted and disoriented. He realized he had no way of answering the question because he didn’t know what was happening to him, only that his metal arm had been more uncomfortable than usual, the throbbing ache slowing increasing to a constant, radiating pain that was now an agonizing burning sensation that seemed to flow from his prosthetic finger tips up through his arm and into his spinal cord, sending hot spikes of pain through his central nervous system. He knew that his arm required regular mantaince but that routine was always painful and required him to be restrained which he had grown a strong aversion to now that he was beginning to recognize his personal preferences.

“Bucky,…..It looks like there is something wrong with your metal arm,… are you in pain right now?” Clint asked calmly as he remained several feet away with Natasha, not attempting to get any closer to the distressed man. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut as the sparks of white hot agony ripped through him and he sputter his words through gritted teeth before his shaking legs crumbled beneath him and he slid down the wall flesh hand griping his hair at the root.

“Mantaince,… required,…arm,… Malfunction…” Bucky’s words where spoken in wincing gasps of Russian, as he instinctually curled in on himself in the corner.

“What did he say?” Clint asked Natasha as he moved carefully a few steps before crouching down several feet away. The Soldier’s face was pale and covered in sweat, eyes dilated when they finally opened, squinting as he swallowed down the cramping nausea that sent shivers through his suddenly over heated body.

“He said his arm requires mantaince, but that’s about it,…….. Jarvis, Alert Rogers, Banner, Wilson and Stark…” Natasha answered Clint before addressing the AI. Upon mentioning the engineers name the Soldier’s eyes shot open and he let out a small distressed sound between his clenched teeth, fingers tightening their grip on his brown roots.

“Hey, Sergeant,… it’s okay,… Steve is on his way,… and we are here to help you not hurt you,… Remember?.... Stark can fix your arm for you.” Hawkeye offered with a calm, reassuring tone but Bucky visibly flinched and lowered his face to hid in his flesh arm and drawn up knees.

“Barnes,… I need a status report,… why are you afraid of Stark examining your arm?” Natasha questioned, now crouched down next to Barton. 

Bucky was silent as he cowered in the corner, body turned so that his metal arm was obscured. He heard the order through the fog of pain and fear, battling his urge to make a run for it with his need to obey orders and comply. He lifted his head slowly as a trail of tears left his cheeks damp and his hair clinging to his face. With eyes that shown bright with pain but were clouded with fear, he answered in a mumble of words all in Russian.

“Status report,… left arm malfunctioning,… internal mechanisms unable to accurately respond,…. physical integrity compromised, … The Asset will comply with mantaince and… accept punishment for failing to report need for repairs.” His voice was a shuddered statement with a flat tone but the desperate fear in his eyes betrayed his mechanical response.

“Bucky,… you will not be punished for failing to report the malfunction of your arm,…. But I need you to tell me why you did not disclose the malfunction sooner,… What were you afraid of?” The Black widow asked with a voice that was softer and gentler then she was use to. Her deliberately non-threatening tone induced the desired effect as the Soldier looked at her with a trembling bottom lip and answer in a voice impossibly young and unsure, in no way resembling the legendary Winter Soldier.

“Stark wants to examine the metal arm,…. Stark is a technician,…… The arm is a machine,… he wants to understand how it works,… but I am not a machine,… I am a man,…. I can feel it,….. I can always feel it,…. Mantaince….hurts….” The Soldier could not meet their eyes as if ashamed of his weakness and need to conceal his fear of mantaince, a routine he should have been accustomed to, conditioned to accept with out resistance.

He bit his lip as he shook his head in anger and shame internally cursing himself for avoiding the necessary procedure. Learning to understand his thoughts and feelings made compliance harder to achieve and he felt weak and defeated by his own desperate need to prevent more pain by refusing to disclose his state of malfunction, as if he could escape the inevitable. The Asset was behaving like a coward, he had forgotten the importance of order through pain, the conditioning that his programing had been built upon. The Soldier was failing to function as required and he needed mantaince even if every fiber of his being screamed in protest.

Clint sighed as he listened to Natasha translate The Soldier’s softly muttered words, exchanging a understanding nod with his SHEILD partner before looking back toward the Soldier with genuine compassion and sympathy. He looked up and then stood as Steve rushed into the room, arms shining with sweat from his run with Sam who came panting a few seconds later, leaning in the door way and cursing about trying to keep up with Super soldiers.

“Bucky!” Steve spoke with an anxious shout that made his friend flinch hard, metal arm bouncing off the corner wall. He gritted his teeth, eyes shutting closed as he huffed painful breaths, fingers of his flesh hand yanking hard on his hair as if the sharp pain could distract him from the aching agony that coursed through him. The Captain stopped in his tracks and forced himself to slowly lower down to his knees a few feet away, face betraying his panic.

“Jarvis said somethings wrong with his arm?” Steve asked hastily, eyes locked on his friend as he reached forward to hold the flesh hand and keep him from pulling his hair.

“Yea,… it locked up on him and made a bunch of noise.” Clint spoke up as Natasha came over to be by Steve.

“Bucky? Do you know why your arm in hurting you?” Steve asked with an insisting tone, the command to speak and answer clearly stated. The Soldier opened his blurred eyes and shook his head sharply before quickly reacting and shoving Steve away with his flesh arm sending the Captain back several feet before he vomited on the floor with a cry.

“Ewwwww Gross,…Bruce this is a you thing,…I’m not messing with Cyborg’s appendage of destruction until he is done spewing depression era chucks of potato hash all over the place.” Tony stated as he took a few steps in through the doorway past Sam, Bruce right behind him.

“Jarvis showed us video of what happened,…Did he say why he’s sick?” Banner asked with concern as he came over toward his sputtering patient who was on his keens, flesh arm shaking as he held himself up over his pile of vomit, hair hanging down as he tried to steady his gasping breaths before wrenching again. Clint offered Steve a hand up and he came closer with Banner, the others staying back.

“Bucky,…hey,…its okay,…It’s gonna be oaky.” Steve voiced the reassurance as he crouched down with Bruce who had a scanner out, looking at the read outs with puzzlement.

“His Nervous system is shutting down,… Liver and Kidney inflamed and his white blood cells are dropping rapidly.” Banner voiced with confusion. “Has he been exposed to anything toxic in the past few days?” Banner asked with mounting concern.

“No,….. I mean,…..how could he?” Steve asked back with an alarmed expression, eyes shooting up to the others who all shook their heads.

“Jay,…Compare the scans of Robo Cops arm now with the ones we took when he first arrived and run diagnostic assessment to see if there is something biological occurring related to Hydra’s cold war cybrog tech.” Tony stated and took a few steps forward, eyes analyzing the contorted metal limb more than the man attached to it. 

The Soldier was aware of the voices that hovered around him but they sounded echoed and far off. His mind was skipping through fragments of memory related to his metal arm and the mantaince procedures, times when he sat perfectly still and silent behind his mask while his nerves screamed in pain. He wrenched again and his arm buckled. Steve caught him before he could land in his own sick but his sudden strong grip triggered The Soldier’s panic and he threw himself back crashing hard against the wall and crying out in pain as he gripped his metal shoulder tearing at the sleeve.

“Het,……Het!” Bucky cried as he clawed at the fabric of his shirt, exposing his scared shoulder that looked red and inflamed, skin puffy and swollen.

“Bucky No!” Steve shouted and grabbed him, struggling to restrain his friend while pulling him away from the corner. Something inside of the Soldier was burning and a voice that sounded like James Buchanan Barnes was shouting at him to fight back. Bucky growled with hot rage, cursing in every langued he could, desperate to get free from his captors. He was blinded by the relentless pain and need to get away, his desperation breaking through the Hydra programing and triggering his natural stubborn defiance. It was sudden and unexpected when his foreign curses became English, voice sounding like a furious kid from Brooklyn, accent thick and snarled in contempt.

“Get your fucking hands off of me you Russian Assholes,…I wont comply!.....I wont never comply…..You better just fucking kill me you sons of Bitches…Just kill me!....”Bucky was shouting as he twisted and fought back with everything he had and managed to head but Steve who was shocked by the sudden transformation and the words that were so clearly from Bucky and not Hydra’s Asset. Steve let go and Bucky sprang to his feet in an attempt to get away but the word was sideways and his coordination was compromised by the numb, burning pressure that was spreading out to his limbs. He tripped and was on the ground again crawling with one arm, the other bent and locked, trying to get away as Steve pursued him.

“Bucky!” The Captain spoke with a calm, authoritative tone, positioning himself between his panicked friend and the others in the room. He circled his friend with his hands out and up, as he tried to get him to respond.

“Bucky,… It’s Steve,… I’m right here,…Common pal.” Steve tried to calm him but the moment he came close Bucky flinched hard again and cursed with an angry cray, flesh arm holding the metal one protectively to his side, trying to shield it from any strikes.

“Just kill me!... You fucking Russian Basterds,… You Fucking sadistic, pieces of shit,….” Bucky’s venoms anger was cracking with pained sobs of despair. “You Fucks…… You lousy God Damn Pricks!” Bucky heaved a heart wrenched cry as he rocked forward on his knees.

“Kill Me,… I can’t…I can’t…please…” Bucky was crying and Steve dropped down to his knees Infront of his friend with a mournful expression, hand reaching out slowly.

“Kill me,… Please,… Please,… just kill me,…I can’t… please,… no more!” He was whispering his begging pleas as he kept his eyes squeezed tight, sobs breaking in between his words.

“Bucky,...Look at me,… Look Bucky,….. open your eyes,…..” Steve responded with his own shattered words, held together with a tone of authority to reinforce the order. Bucky peered up at Steve with red eyes squinted in pain.

“Stevie?... Steve?” Bucky chocked out and Steve placed his hand on his friends face with sad eyes and a small nod.

“I’m here Buck,… I’m right here Bucky… I’ve got you pal.” Steve promised and Bucky let out a small cry.

“I’m sorry Steve,… Fuck I am so sorry you fucking punk,… I can’t… I can’t fight back no more pal,...there goanna win,...I’m breaking… I can’t...I…” Bucky hung his head and grew quite as he bit back his sobs, shoulders shaking as he fought to get control.

“Tell him where he is Steve,… get him grounded in the hear and now!” Sam coached from the doorway with a nod and calm understanding. Steve swallowed and nodded back, before stroking Bucky’s face softly and patting his tangled hair.

“Bucky,… It’s okay,… you don’t have to fight anymore,… Your free Bucky,…You’re here with me in the Avenger’s tower,… It’s the year 2016 and your free Bucky…” Steve closed distance and cradled Bucky’s head to his chest as his friend silently cried, shaking in his arms. There was a pause of heavy silence as Steve held his him close, Bucky trembling as he swallowed down his tears.

Sir, Sergeant Barns appears to have had a piece of engineering that was activated by the internal mechanisms within his arm to release a vile of an unidentified toxin directly into his blood stream. I am analyzing the chemical compounds now.

“Jesus,…What the hell is with these Nazi chemist and their biological warfare... Toxic bullets, and now this,…. His god damn arm has a freaking self-destruct plan built in,… That is so mean...just mean!” Stark marveled at the images of the arm and body scans that hovered in the room. He pointed at them and looked over at Bruce whose eyes flashed over the information with fascination and horror, coming to stand next to Tony.

“These toxin levels are so familiar,… what the hell…” Bruce began to question and was answered by Jarvis.

The toxin administered to Sergeant Barnes appears to be a form of organophosphates, a concentrated dosage of chemical compounds used most notably by Chinese farmers as a form of pesticide for mass crop production. The FDA has declared the use of these pesticides dangerous and potentially lethal.

“Alright,... Lets get him to the medical wing,… Jarvis alert the med team and tell them we need to rush an order for the strongest dosages of Niacin, Magnesium, Acidophilus and Charcoal they can get,…I’ll get the detox formula I used for the virus and see if it can be modified to counter act the immediate symptoms of this poison.” Bruce spoke quickly and nodded at Steve who swallowed and nodded back, aware that he would need to be the one to get Bucky to cooperate with the Doctors orders.

“Bucky,… Hey pal,… we need to get you back to our apartment ok,. Your sick right now cuze your arm is hurting you. We need to help you get better.” Steve explained as he carefully shifted his friend back, his eyes going from the torn sleeve that exposed the scarring along his metal shoulder up to the red bruising on his face from his own hand. Bucky’s wet eyes blinked open and he looked up at Steve with a blank numbness that made the Captain’s heart ache as he nodded once and spoke without inflection.

“I will comply.” The Soldier responded, his eyes drifting away from the face of his Handler, settling back into his Hydra programing as the fog and pain settled heavily over his exhausted body. He required mantaince, he was a malfunctioning Asset, that was all that mattered, the only thought he could follow as another bout of nausea washed over him. 

Steve sighed heavily looking up with a pained expression and nodded, his own emotions running high after the heart breaking moment when the Brooklyn Bucky shown through before he was swallowed again by Hydra’s Asset. With a moment longer of gentle caresses, Steve stood and gathered Bucky up, helping him get to his feet before steering the silent, detached man toward the elevator, Bruce already ahead of them. Sam squeezed Steve’s shoulder with a nod of solidarity that the Captain returned with a grim expression, arms gently guiding his friend who’s eyes were vacant and down cast over wet cheeks, no more fight left to give.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End note: The more he remembers the less he can exist as the compliant Soldier and is forced to feel, think and act like Bucky Barnes.


	13. Keep Me Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Order through pain is ingrained.

The Soldier sat perfectly still on the exam table, gaze lowered and unfocused as he wheezed shallow but even breaths, sweat beaded up on his face and bare torso. Dr. Banner was on his right where an iv was attached to his flesh arm administering medicine to combat the effects of the nearly lethal dose of organophosphates. The Technician, Stark, was on his left wearing a metal suite of armor, face plate open as he spoke incisively to the Doctor and to the Asset’s Handler who stood directly Infront of the Soldier with an unwavering focus as he made sure compliance was maintained. 

Steve watched his best friend with concern, arms crossed over his chest to resist the urge to touch him. He was a few feet in front of the quiet Soldier, close enough to intercept Bucky if he became violent but also trying to leave enough space for Stark and Banner to work on undoing the most recent Hydra surprise, the detonation of an implanted device within Bucky’s metal arm that simultaneously shut down the prosthetic limb wile releasing a toxic chemical that attacked his nervous system.

Steve’s jaw twitched and his eyes grew large when sparks suddenly erupted from the open metal plates of the Soldier’s bi-cep, exposed wires hissing with smoke. The Captain’s eyes shot from Bucky’s locked arm, to Tony who was cursing and then to Bucky who was clearly trying to suppress a grimace of pain, eyes watering and jaw tight. 

The Soldier did his best not to react as the Technician let out the muttered curses, the sparks igniting a sharp spike of pain that sliced through the heavy ache of his malfunctioning limb. He blinked a few times rapidly and sucked in a breath but did not flinch or try to move away from the constant throbbing. Mantaince was required, the Asset would comply.

“Stark!...Your hurting him!” The Captain spoke with a loud tone as he took a step forward and instantly Bucky went ridged, breathing choked as he kept his eyes on the ground, submissive.

“Yea,… Obviously not my intent Spangles,… Just this soviet cold war tech has so many added mechanical components, all from different decades, and I swear some of this is Chinese. Most of this junk is completely useless, old and decaying batteries for out dated mechanical parts … They just kept adding gadgets and new components to this thing without removing the obsolete tech and never bothered to do a total replacement. “ Stark lifted his goggles and looked at the hunched figure before him with a mixture of sympathy and bewilderment, shaking his head. 

The Winter Soldier was twitching from the effects of the poisonsis pesticides coursing through his blood stream, muscles cramping as he tried not to pass out or wrench forward. He looked miserable and ill, yet completely resigned to accept whatever was next. There was also a strength in him, a stubborn determination that seemed innate to Bucky Barnes, yet somehow Hydra had managed to channel that resolve into an intensely ingrained need to cooperate and ‘comply.’ 

Tony huffed as he closed his eyes tight for a moment, a flash back from his time with the Ten Rings hitting him hard. He let out a deliberate breath and then opened his eyes and stared directly at the former Assassin who kept his unfocused gaze lowered. 

“God Dammit,… They must have made you sit through so many of these fucking mantaince sessions…” Tony shook his head again and looked up at Bruce who was holding Bucky’s flesh arm that had the IV of the detox connected into his veins. 

“Barbaric, fascist, morons!” Tony spoke with contempt in his voice as he looked from Bruce to Steve and then back down at the heap of fried wires and corroded parts that made up the inner mechanics of the Soldier’s arm.

“I really just need to detach this thing and build him a new one.” Tony shrugged with a lighter tone, trying to distance himself from his own memories of unwanted body modification.

Despite the Asset’s attempt to keep himself still and compliant, the Technician’s words broke through his dissociative state with horrific clarity, invoking a sense of dread and anxiety as his mind’s eye brought him blood soaked memories of when the arm was first attached. The sound of the buzz saw echoed with his own desperate screams and The Soldier let out a choked cry of distress from his throat, jaw locked and lips sealed to smother the sound.

All three men looked at him instantly and the Soldier squeezed his eyes shut as his flesh hand came up to clamp forcefully over his mouth again, desperate to conceal his breach of compliance.

“Bucky,… What?” Steve asked as he took another step forward, hand up to touch but holding back. Bucky was hyperventilating as he gripped his lower face with bruising force, eyes shut tight and rocking slightly.

“Bucky,…. Stop…..Let go of your face…. LET GO!” Steve’s voice became stern and ended in a half-shouted order. The Soldier’s hand dropped instantly and he let out a sob before biting his lip hard enough for it to bleed.

“Hey,… Hey,… Calm down.” Bruce stepped in when he could see Steve’s face crumple at the sight of the bloody lip and bruised cheek bones. Banner looked at Steve as he spoke but put his hands further up Bucky’s flesh arm, onto his bicep and wrapped the other around his back, avoiding the scared shoulder. Instantly Bucky stopped rocking and went ridged again as Banner patted his back gently speaking with a low, soothing tone.

“You are Sergent James Buchanan Barnes, Steve calls you Bucky, you escaped from Hydra, your safe now, your with friends…I’m Bruce,…can you open your eyes please?” The Doctor knew what it was like to loose himself, to wake up confused and disoriented, unsure where he was and afraid that he was going to be restrained and experimented on. General Ross was still a figure that haunted his dreams and the idea of being locked up and subjected to whatever scientific tests the ARMY considered necessary to understand the effects of the Gamma radiation was a dread that lived inside of him just as real as the Hulk himself. The Soldier opened his eyes and blinked, vision clearing as tears rain down his cheeks. He looked up at the Doctor but did not see Bruce, only another medical technician who was ordering the Asset to respond.

“Bucky,…We need to understand what is going on with your arm so we can help you. We want to make the pain stop….Can you talk to us?...Can you explain what’s wrong,… why you tried to cover your mouth?” Bruce’s voice was patient and calming but the Soldier’s programing was firmly locked in place and his expression was blank beneath eyes that were glossy and distant unfocused as he replied the only way he could with quivered breaths through his bloody lip and wet cheeks.

“Sir, The Asset will comply. Maintenance is required, …. The Asset will not resist any procedures administered by the Technical and Medical team…. The Asset will provide verbal feedback when directed. The Asset will not move unless given an order. The Asset is the Fist of Hydra. Hail Hydra.” The Soldier spoke without inflection in his voice, words even despite his unsteady breaths, body still shaking from the stain of remaining upright, exhaustion and illness heavy but the pain in his shoulder was bright and cutting, keeping him focused. Order through Pain.

The room was silent and Steve felt the words like a punch in his gut. Tony and Bruce both stiffened and took a few steps back, the mechanical tone delivering words that made each Avenger feel automatically sick inside but also on full alert. Steve let out a breath and took a step forward toward his best friend, the man he loved whose eyes had dropped from Bruce’s direction to the floor the moment his words had stopped.  
“Bucky,… Do you know who I am?” Steve asked with a cautious ton

e as he resisted the urge to reach out to his friend who was acting more like the Winter Soldier then he had in the past month since he had been rescued.  
The Asset nodded once, eyes rising to the center of His Handler’s chest but not his face.

“Sir,… You are the commanding officer in charge of the Asset. You are the Asset’s appointed handler and will ensure absolute compliance.” The tone was calm and direct, no hint of distress or discomfort and it made Steve feel so much worse than any of the times in recent weeks when he held a tearful and broken Bucky Barnes in his arms.

“No.” Steve spoke softly but with a stern tone that had the Soldier again go ridged as if expecting to be struck. Steve brought his hand up slowly and paced it on Bucky’s wet cheek as he brought his friend’s now confused gaze up to meet his own look of calm determination.

“No Bucky,… I am not your Handler,… I am your Steve,… and this is not Hydra,… You are with the Avengers… You are not an Asset,… you are person,… and you are my friend… Hydra hurt you and now we are trying to help you heal… You do not have to comply,... You do not have any orders to remain still. We only want to stop the pain Bucky,… Do you understand?” Steve asked and his question felt heavy as he knew so often the answer was no. Bucky was still lost, buried deep inside the brutally conditioned and mechanically programed Winter Soldier, but he was in there and Steve had seen him break through only an hour before.

The Soldier’s brow crumpled slightly in confusion and his lips parted slightly as if he would speak. His eyes scanned the familiar face before him and he blinked again as recognition dawned slowly before his bloody lip trembled.

“Steve?” He asked softly as the Captain nodded using his thumb to whip Bucky’s wet cheek. He offered a small, sad smile as he spoke with a tone that was soft and gentle.

“Yea Bucky,… It’s me,… I’m your Steve,… and your my Bucky,… And Hydra isn’t hear,… they can’t hurt you here.” Steve promised and Bucky took in a quivered breath as he blinked again and fresh tears flooded his eyes.

“I’m hurt now Steve.” Bucky answered with a small voice and the Captain nodded again as he brought his other hand up to stroke back Bucky’s sweat soaked locks of hair from his bruised, wet cheeks.

“I know,... I know pal,… I’m sorry Bucky,… We don’t want you to be hurting,… We want to stop the pain.” Steve explained, hoping that perhaps Bucky would finally hear him. Bucky looked over at Bruce and then down to the IV in his right arm and then over to his left arm, glancing quickly up at Stark and then dropping his gaze immediately.

“Steve?” Bucky asked quietly, as he leaned into the warm and grounding touch on the side of his face.

“Yea Bucky?” Steve replied, moving his hand to gently massage the tension from Bucky’s neck on his right, avoiding the inflamed skin of his left.

“Stark wants to remove the metal arm?” He asked with a hesitant whisper. He dropped his eyes as he spoke, willing himself to stay in the present and remember he would not be punished for asking questions. Steve nodded as his hand traveled down to Bucky’s flesh shoulder and massaged it gently, other hand still stroking back his friend’s hair.

“Yes,… he thinks the metal arm Hydra gave you is breaking apart and is hurting you,… he wants to make you a new one that won’t cause you any more pain.” Steve kept his words simply as he could tell Bucky was struggling to process everything going on around him and also focus on communicating. The Soldier’s jaw clenched and he snorted out a harsh breath as his eyes darted sideways in Starks direction but he didn’t look up. The men watched him carefully before exchanging looks of concern.

“Does that bother you Bucky?...You don’t want him to replace the prosthetic arm?” Bruce chimed in, taking a small step closer as he regarded the quietly pensive Soldier. The former Asset stiffened and then forced himself to look up at his Steve, eyes showing an exhausted resignation over a trembling pout. Whenever the Soldier was the most over whelmed and vulnerable he seemed to respond only to Steve, as if to focus on the others was too much for him. Steve tried to offer a comforting smile as he accepted a wet cloth from Bruce and wiped the small trace of blood from Bucky’s lip.

“Tell me what you are thinking pal,… I want to know what questions you have,…” Steve paused and then a memory caught him slightly off guard, a glimpse at another life that still only felt like a few years ago.

The Captain was sitting around a campfire as he avoided looking over at Bucky who was pouting as he glared sideways at Steve. It had been out of annoyance and frustration that Steve used his Captain’s voice to address his Field Sergeant with a condescending and challenging tone, ‘Permission to speak freely Sergeant Barnes!’ The words had ignited a tense argument about Steve’s reckless and self sacrificing behavior, throwing himself into the line of fire without even a seconds thought. Their voices where whispered, ever aware of their fellow commandos asleep nearby but emotions were charged and eventually Bucky had shoved him hard with tears in his eyes as he pointed forcefully at his oldest friend with anger and fear in his blazing gaze. ‘ You think your god damn invincible Captain America,… You think those bullets won’t cut through you,… Or how about one of those fucking blue lasers that just evaporates a poor bastard?... Huh?... I Fucking seen what that shit can do,… I watched men turn to dust right next to me Stevie!... I can’t watch that happen to you,…I can’t…!” Bucky had let out a choked sob that ended in a frustrated growl, shaking his head and turning away as he stormed off toward their tent. Steve didn’t follow right away, instead staring into the fire and embers as he considered just how foolish he had been to not see how hard the war had effected his best friend, and how his own stubborn, righteousness had clouded his self-awareness. He had always needed Bucky before, and that was still true during the War, but in the fog of combat and the weight of responsibility as Captain America, somehow Steve had forgotten that his friend might actually need him too.

Steve blinked and focused back on the present as he spoke those same words but without the callous condescension of his memory, instead offering an encouraging nod and smile as he searched the Soldier’s conflicted expression.

“Permission to speak freely Sergeant Barnes.” Steve prompted, hoping that his friend might actually be able to express his thoughts and communicate what fears lived behind his turbulent blue gaze. The fatigued man let out another harsh breath, eyes dropping off to the side and brow crumpling again before he spoke, words barley audible.

“The,… The Arm,…Can… I… I want….” His words were trapped in his throat and he struggled to use his voice, to ask for something he wasn’t sure he would be given and how to express his desperate thoughts. He swallowed and closed his eyes against the threatening tears as he shook. Steve wrapped his arms protectively around his tormented friend in a loose hug as he let Bucky hid his face against Steve’s chest.

“What do you want Bucky,… Just tell me and we can help,… it’s okay,… just use your words.” Steve felt himself channeling Sam, trying to use phrases he had learned from the VA Councilor to encourage his friend to speak when he was clearly trapped by Hydra’s conditioning. 

“Sedation,… Please Steve,… I don’t… I don’t want to watch,… It hurts…. I will comply,… please?” The words were spoken with quivered breaths as the Soldier trembled, pressing his forehead into his Steve’s sternum, flesh hand gripping the bottom of his Handler’s shirt as he begged. “I don’t want to be awake,… wh…when the arm is replaced,…please Steve,...I will comply,... I….” His words choked off as he felt the hands holding him close tighten but not to restrain. The Captain’s face was twisted in utter anguish as he closed his eyes and bent down to kiss the crown of Bucky’s head, letting out a heavy sigh before he looked up at Bruce and Tony who each exchanged looks of tempered disgust and contempt for Hydra as well as sympathy for the recovering POW.

“They were so cruel,… They didn’t need to be,… they didn’t,… Why would they keep him awake during that,... Why did they need to make everything so painful?” Steve’s voice was tight as he swallowed back his own anger and despair, eyes begging Bruce and Tony for help, consumed in his own devastation.

“They just didn’t care,… They didn’t bother giving him sedatives or painkillers because his suffering just wasn’t a factor.” Bruce sighed as he took off his glasses and wiped his face before he looked at Tony who appeared physically ill, his own flash backs racing as his stomach turned.

“Christ almighty,... I do not want to know what else they put him through,… Jesus I have enough of my own nightmares without adding his!” Stark mumbled as he turned away with a heavy sigh. Steve gave his friend one more firm embrace as he swallowed down his own grief before taking a few steps back, keeping one hand on the side of Bucky’s face.

“You will not be awake Bucky,… Bruce will make sure you don’t feel anything when Stark replaces your arm… Please trust me,... Please let us help you,…” Steve’s voice was ragged with emotional distress, practically begging as he looked down at his abused and physically ill friend. 

The Soldier blinked a few times, brow knitted as he slowly raised his gaze to peer up at his commanding officer through his curtain of hair. He studied Steve’s face for a moment and his own guarded expression transformed as he took on a concerned and protective look, bringing his flesh hand up to cover Steve’s that was still cradling his face.

“I trust you Stevie,… Your my friend,…You will keep me safe…” The Soldier offered a small forced smile beneath eyes still bright with pain but clouded with illness and fatigue. The Captain let out a heavy breath as he nodded with his own sad smile beneath wet eyes.

“Yea Buck,… I’ll keep you safe,… And we,….We’re gonna take care of you,… Bruce and Tony,… and all of the Avengers,...We just want to help you recover,… We want to stop the pain,… So you can heal.” Steve promised and to his great relief Bucky looked over to Banner and gave a small nod before dragging his gaze to Stark and with weary trepidation he gave another small nod, his eyes locking with Tony’s in a gaze that was piercing and earnest. The Asset knew that he required mantaince, and Bucky Barnes knew that he could trust Steve Rodgers, would always trust Steve Rodgers, no matter how thick the cloud of fear and pain surrounded him. Steve was his friend, he would comply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes: Yep… Its goanna be a roller coaster of Bucky drama and lots of hurt comfort…that’s what’s happening!


	14. What we don't know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: So way back in the early chapters where Rumlow had a POV, he sent two additional videos. You will recall once you read this chapter.

Steve had reluctantly slept in his own room that night after Bucky was cleaned up and laid down on the medical bed in the main room. Steve had been up since 5 am, unable to feign sleep, his mind a whirl wind of thought and emotion. He went for a morning run after checking on his friend, and now three hours later Bucky was still asleep, sedated and hooked up to monitors as the medical team continued to administer the detox drugs through the IV in his flesh arm. The metal one remained bent and locked in the strange twisted position, propped up with pillows to relieve the stress on his shoulder that looked swollen, the angry scars red and puffy, inflamed and irritated by the internal mechanisms that had ground to a halt after releasing the toxin into the Soldier’s blood stream. Steve stood by his friend’s side as he watched him sleep in drug induced slumber, heart aching as he considered just how much more he would need to learn about Bucky’s captivity to understand how to break though Hydra’s programing. 

The Captain looked up when Sam stepped up to his side with a grim nod, looking down at Bucky with his hands on his hips. He shook his head slightly before patting Steve on his shoulder.

“Stark had Natasha reach out to Fury and Hill about intel related to how HYDRA attached the arm. Apparently they have been sitting on some info,… didn’t want to give you more reasons to hate Hydra,… They just arrived, we’re meeting in the conference room, but if you don’t feel up to it Man,….” Sam was making the offer and despite the appealing idea that Steve could just get debriefed instead of hearing or seeing first hand more evidence of his best friend’s torture, he squared his shoulders and nodded, gesturing toward the door, not feeling the need to speak and unsure how his voice would sound if he tried. He turned back toward Bucky and leaned down, brushing his hair back and leaving a soft kiss on his forehead before following Sam out the door. 

Both men walked in shared silence, entering the conference room where The Avengers where gathered, some standing, some sitting, Marie Hill quietly speaking with Natasha as Nick Fury stood looking out the window with his hands clasped behind him. They all turned and stopped their quiet conversations as Steve entered and gave them a curt nod before taking a seat, his arrival bringing the others to the table.

“Captain,…” Fury nodded and Steve gave him a tense nod back, arms crossed over his chest and jaw clenched, ready to take on whatever new hellish revelations would be discussed. The Director fixed him with a long hard look before he opened his black trench coat and took out a plane, unmarked envelop, walking around the table before setting it down in front of Steve who uncrossed his arms to pick it up. He didn’t meet the Director’s eyes but simply opened it up and pulled out a red leather book with a black star in the center, his eyes growing as he instantly recognized it from the first video sent by Rumlow more than two months before.  
“Rumlow may be one tuff son of a bitch,… but our advanced truth serum can get even the most stubborn assholes talking.” Fury explained as he nodded at the book in Steve’s hand.

The Captain felt a rush of heat course through him as he stared hard at the book and then pictured Rumlow, standing behind Bucky with the cigarette in his hand as his best friend kneeled submissively at his feet pressing a gun to his own temple. Steve swallowed as he opened the book and looked through it with a frown, the contents written in Russian but the few old photographs of Bucky being subjected to endurance tests and conditioning spoke volumes. Steve shut the book with a huff and looked away blinking rapidly, feeling sick to his stomach again.

“I need everything in this book translated into English.” He said with a matter of fact voice as he glared at the book.

“We have a translated version Captain,… but,… I don’t know if you really want to read it.” Fury concluded and The Captain answered him with his typical stubborn defiance, a challenging look with an intense glare.

“What if Barnes doesn’t want you to read it?” Maria questioned and Steve was taken aback by the questioned.

“Why?... Why do you think he wouldn’t want me to read it?” Steve asked slowly as he consider Agent Hill who looked over at Natasha, the Widow having already reviewed the contents. The redhead sighed and swallowed before looking up at Steve with honesty and compassion, two things she rarely showed.

“Steve,… Those videos Rumlow sent were bad enough,… And this book does not just have a list of the different trigger codes, it documents the methods of psychological manipulation and cognitive conditioning Hydra used to implant those trigger words… Do you really want to read the notes written by Hydra doctors and officers detailing how they destroyed Sergeant Barnes and created the Winter Soldier?.... If Barnes was anything like his biographies,…. He was the kind of guy who didn’t like to show weakness and always put on a smile even if he was hiding his pain…. You said it yourself that he didn’t talk to you about what Zola had done to him during the war,…perhaps this is something you should wait on until he is able to give his consent.” Natasha concluded and was met by a pensive frown as he considered her words. 

“Not that we are usually in agreement about much Spangles,… but for the record,… if there was any sort of documentation about my time as a guest with the Ten rings, and the less then comfortable working conditions I experienced there,… I would not want my closest friends,… or anyone honestly,… Reading the details of some of my less proud and more painfully vulnerable moments. What we have seen already kinda painted a pretty clear picture dontcha think?... Just food for thought!” Tony offered, trying to remain flippant but the hurt in his eyes was still there even behind his purple shades.

After a long pause the Captain sighed and looked at Tony then Natasha and the others.

“I need to know,… I need to understand what they did to Bucky,…How can I help him recover, help him piece himself back together if I don’t know how they broke him in the first place.” Steve sighed. There was a long pause before Fury nodded slowly before looking at Maria who turned her gaze toward Stark, who looked back with scrutiny. She sat back and studied Tony for a moment longer before looking at Natasha.

“There are two more videos that were received right before and immediately after the Soldier’s apprehension.” Agent Hill spoke with a direct, matter of fact tone as she fixed Steve with a even look.

“I think what you meant to say was after Sergent Barnes was Rescued.” Sam chimed in with a slightly indignant tone as he leaned back and crossed his own arms, eye brow raised. Maria shot him an annoyed but appraising glance before looking back toward The Captain who was grimacing as he looked from her over to Natasha. The Widow met his gaze with calm calculation before she spoke, acting as the liaison between SHEILD and the Avenger’s, the task she was assigned to do since Tony Stark first became Ironman.

“They documented the prosthetic procedure,…. It took over 4 hours,…. And he was awake for most of it.” Natasha offered with an even tone that still managed to hint at the truly horrific nature of what she had stayed up through half the night watching so she could debrief her fellow Avenger’s without subjecting them to more images of sickening torture. Steve looked pained as he stared down at the book Infront of him, hands clenched in fists on the conference table top.

“Is there,... Is there anything specifically,… Anything I should know?” Steve looked up and fixed her with a conflicted expression, wanting to trust that she would give him an honest and complete debriefing and that he could be spared from more images of Bucky’s needless suffering. She tilted her head and nodded once.   
“He resisted. Killed one of the Doctors by crushing his throat,…..” She spoke with a directness that still indicated there was an omission of more, to be spoken only if requested.

“And Rumlow speaks at the end?” Steve gritted out the name he had come to despise. She looked the Captain directly in his eyes and nodded once. Steve looked at her and could tell despite her professional detachment she was worried how Steve would react.

“Lets see it.” Steve spoke with short, clipped words and a curt nod as he looked from her over to Maria Hill who sighed as she sat back. The others all let out their own sighs as they prepared themselves. 

“Jarvis,…is it possible to mute the sound of the video during the last four minutes of the procedure and play the beginning and end narrations of the Doctor only?” Natasha addressed the AI without looking away from the Captain.

Yes Agent Romanoff,.. The film has been edited and is ready to view. 

She watched as Steve shifted in his seat, turning toward the automatically lowering projector screen. A determined look on his face, ready for battle.  
The Screen came to life and despite the muted sound the images were still horrific. Bucky was restrained and his body was arching in agony as Doctors hovered all around him, two welding the metal arm into place and another handing a bone saw to an assistant along with the remains of what had been Bucky’s flesh arm. Instantly Steve felt himself getting sick but he swallowed it down and kept watching. Bucky’s face was half obscured by the black mask and his hair was sticking to his forehead as he contorted. Sparks were flying from the metal arm and a voice began to narrate, the owner unmistakably Zola. Steve gritted his teeth as his fists clenched white, but he remained in his seat, glaring straight ahead.

“It has taken longer than we would have preferred however Hydra and our Soviet allies have finally achieved unconditional obedience now that the subject no longer has any association with his past identity. The subject, code named Winter Soldier will be given a prosthetic mental arm to replace the missing left limb. It is a marvel of modern weaponry thanks in part to the technical advancements of Howard Stark and the newly formed SHEILD agency who have unwittily allowed me access to their most recent proto types and designs. Hydra will grow and prosper covertly within this new era and The Winter Soldier will be our fist, unstoppable and completely obedient.”

“Son of a Bitch,… who…” Stark began to ask and Steve growled his answer with venom and hatred, eyes never leaving the screen.

“Arnim Zola,… He was the Red Skull’s right hand man,… the Scientist that used the energy from the tesseract to develop Hydra’s weapons…He was also the one who experimented on Bucky at the Hydra base when I found him…” Steve swallowed and shook his head. “I could have killed him then,… I saw him there but I let him get away,… and then… he was the target on the train when,… When Bucky fell,… he knew where to send Hydra soldiers to find his body!” Steve let out a sigh as Natasha paused the film.

“But I thought he was apprehended during that mission?...Wasn’t he in the Custody of the Strategic Scientific Reserve?” Bruce asked with puzzlement, aware of Zola’s scientific research having studied it along with the serum during his Gamma radiation tests. 

“The SSR became SHEILD after the War and Zola’s prison sentence was converted to a work release contract as part of Operation Paperclip, a program used to recruit the scientists of Nazi Germany for employment by the US government.” Maria explained to the room at large before looking back toward the Captain who was silently fuming as he shook his head.

“Why the hell did SHEILD think it was a good idea to recruit a Hydra Nazi?” Stark exclaimed as he looked from Maria to Fury who sat back and exchanged looks.  
“It was your father who signed off on the contract position,… He was Zola’s direct supervisor.” Natasha spoke with a heavy tone as she glanced at Tony and then over to Steve who looked up with contempt at Stark’s baffled expression. 

“Howard was…impressed with Zola’s work.” Steve huffed as he shook his head glaring at Tony. His eyes held resentment, but he looked away again aware that it was unfair to hold Tony accountable for his father’s mistakes. There was a tense silence and Natasha resumed the once more silent film.

The Doctors had stepped away from their restrained patient who instantly used the metal arm to break the restraints and grabbed the throat of the nearest doctor, crushing him as the guards rushed in using stun batons before he was injected with a paralysis agent. Zola’s voice over narration resumed with a frustrated and short tone.

“Despite our best efforts and the reassurance of our Psychological conditioning team who have been permanently terminated for their incorrect assessment that the Subject would no longer resist Hydra’s Authority,… it appears the Winter Soldier has yet to submit total compliance and so will be kept in Cryogenic stasis until a permeant solution can be devised to control his willfully defiant behavior.”

Steve let out a breath as he rubbed his forehead, knowing that the solution they had devised was the Mantaince chair and a part of him wished Bucky had just feigned compliance until he was sent out on a mission where perhaps he could have escaped. He knew that the train of thought was pointless and Natasha had already informed him that as the Winter Soldier, Bucky had made at least one documented escape attempt. The Captain looked up again as he heard another voice projected loud and menacing on the screen and he felt the rush of heated rage course through him as he listened to the taunting words.

“Man,… I am telling you Cap,… these videos just keep getting better and better!...And the more I hear your pathetic little Bucky scream his head off the more I look forward to ripping him apart… I am gonna make sure his ass is so sore he won’t be able to walk after.” The Captain leaned forward in his seat with wide eyes, a look of shocked horror on his face. The Avengers recoiled at the degrading and brutalizing remark, Natasha watching Steve’s reaction as were Hill and Fury.

“But I know he heals fast so I guess I am gonna have to get creative, maybe use some things on him that can do a bit more damage,… you know,… explore his kinky side,… What do you think?” Steve was sitting bolt upright breathing in angry snorts through his noise, jaw muscles twitching as he shook in silent rage. 

“Don’t worry Cap,… I know I probably got you all hot and bothered,… but I promise,… I will send you the footage,… complete with close ups of his stupid face instead of this one angle documentary style shit Hydra was making... Just be patient big guy,… it won’t be long now.” Rumlow saluted with his middle finger and the screen went blank. The Captain jumped out of his seat and paced as he shook his head, trying to remind himself that Bucky was safely out of Rumlow’s reach.

“Where is Rumlow?!” The Captain spoke with a low and dangerous tone as he looked pointedly at Fury and Hill, body tense and fists clenched.

“He is being held at a secure facility Captain Rodgers. He will be tried for his crimes after we have gathered all the useful intel we can from him regarding Hydra’s other bases of operation.” Fury answered calmly as he watched Steve’s outraged expression turn to one of frustration as he shook his head.

“I want to interrogate him,…I will get you intel.” Steve’s voice shook and those in the room all looked at him with caution, intimidated by the raw anger and dangerously lethal intent in his eyes.

“I think we both know that’s not going to happen Captain,…” Fury looked over at Natasha. “I think it might be best if the last video was viewed at a different time.” The Widow nodded in agreement and Steve instantly shook his head.

“No,…I need to see it,… You should have showed us this video when you first got hold of it,… We would have known how to talk to Bucky about replacing his arm without scaring him,… No more secrets!.... No more compartmentalizing!” Steve was a ball of pent-up anger and he glared at the Director with a challenging stare.

“Steve,… You need to calm down,… The next video is not going to affect just you on an emotional level and we need every one to remain rational and level headed.” Natasha spoke with her own reserved but serious tone and the other Avenger’s instantly fixed her with questioning expressions except Barton who already knew what the video contained like the Director and Agent Hill. He also knew that Natasha was assigned to be the voice of reason while he was back up muscle in case things took a turn for the worse as was sometimes the case when emotions ran high and strong men with conviction found themselves on opposing sides. 

“What do you mean by that exactly?” Stark asked with a nervous edge to his voice, already feeling sickened and disgusted by the first video and his own flash backs of surgery and torture. There was another prolonged moment of silence as Natasha glanced toward Fury and Hill who exchanged looks.

“There was a reason we chose not deliver these videos when they were first sent… At the time the previous video had arrived at SHEILD your team was in active pursuit of The Winter Soldier searching the bases and Captain Rodger’s had taken a bullet that compromised his ability to function effectively.” Hill responded directly looking at the Captain who met her with a steady, skeptical look.

“And the next one?” He asked pointedly, gaze intense as he leaned over the table, fists still locked as he leaned on his knuckles to glare accusatory daggers at Hill and Fury.

“The last one was sent with the purpose to divide the Avengers,… to breed conflict and create a potentially debilitating fracture that might not be able to heal.” Agent Hill answered the question without giving any specific information and Steve stood up as he squared his shoulders.

The other Avengers looked at one another before Natasha fixed Tony with a steady, watchful expression. The mechanic met her gaze and squinted at her before looking at the other SHEILD agents who all gave him solemn, appraising looks.

“What?.... Why are you looking at me?.... I have been emotionally wrecked enough by watching these sick, Nazi turned cold war snuff films already,…What is it?.... Huh?.... Why am I the one getting the looks right now?” Stark demanded and Natasha turned and looked at Steve with a stern expression as she spoke with a tone of caution, aware of what conflict was about to arise.

“What Zola hinted at when he was stalling at the deserted SHEILD base before they tried to blow us up… Assassinations meant to look like accidents.” Steve blinked once and then twice before he looked up at Stark who was slowly standing up as he reacted to the Widows words. As recognition dawned on his face he met the Captain’s eyes who suddenly looked remorseful, all anger forgotten.

“Like car accidents, ... like accidents where the chief engineer of SHIELD and his wife die in a burnt-up cage of metal wrapped around a tree?” Tony asked with a low, dangerous voice as he stared back at Steve, who opened his mouth but didn’t know what to say.

“Hydra killed you parents Mr. Stark,… it doesn’t matter the weapon they used to do it,… What matters is who was gave the order.” Director Fury stated calmly, as he leaned over the table, watching Tony’s building emotions.

“How long have you known?” Tony questioned the Captain with the same low tone but there was a tremor of angst and betrayl in his voice, eyes glaring intensely at the Captain as he took slow steps towards him.

“Tony,… I wasn’t sure…” Steve began but was cut off as Stark was suddenly in his space pulling his purple glasses off as he stared wide eyed at the Captain.  
“HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN THAT HE KILLED MY PARENTS?” Stark yelled and used both hands to shove Steve who let himself be pushed back a few steps with a sorrowful expression as he shook his head, the other Avengers rising from their chairs but staying back, ready to separate the two if needed.

“I didn’t know for sure,… I didn’t know if we could believe what Zola was implying.” Steve tried to explain but Stark turned away with a frustrated growl as he pinched the bridge of his noise and shook his head. There was a stretch of silence and Steve took small steps toward the shaking man who he owed everything to for helping Bucky recover, for allowing him to live safely protected within his tower.

“Tony,…” Steve’s voice was soft as he reached out a hand to rest on the man’s shoulder who was facing away. Stark took a heavy breath and stepped away, breaking the contact as he shook his head again and looked back over his shoulder.

“You didn’t know because you didn’t want to know,…. Didn’t want to believe it,….” Stark muttered low with a tempered rage that left his eyes wet. He put his glasses back on and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. The Captain stood frozen for a moment, paralyzed before he took a hasty step towards the door but Barton jumped up and blocked him as Sam came up and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Easy Cap,… let him go cool off,… there’s nothing more you can say that will make this better for him right now.” Clint stated with a calm, compassionate tone.  
“He’s right Man,… let him process this Steve, it’s a lot for him to deal with.” Sam offered and the Captain looked at them both with a conflicted and desperate expression.

“But what if he goes after Bucky?” Steve’s voice sounded almost apologetic as if he knew thinking about Bucky’s safety over Stark’s pain in that moment was deplorably selfish.

“Jarvis,… please monitor Stark and let us know if he appears to be a threat toward Sergent Barnes.” Natasha spoke with a calm, but exhausted voice, the lack of sleep from the night before adding to her emotional fatigue. The three men by the door all turned toward her as she stood up and walked toward them with a soft yet strong expression like a mother who loved both her stubborn sons and understood their rightful pain.

Yes Agent Romanoff, At this time Mr. Stark has asked me to prepare a flight plan for Atlanta, Georgia where Ms. Potts is currently hosting a conference for one of the Stark Industry’s Charities. I will inform her of the current revelation so that she is prepared for his arrival.

“This isn’t something you can fix right now Steve,… let Tony grieve,… Pepper will help him through it,… Thank God she is the most reasonable and logical one of us all!” Natasha offered a small smile as she took his hand and nodded. Sam patted his back and Clint sighed as they all walked back toward the table, taking their seats quietly as Steve slumped into his own. He leaned forward and rubbed his face suddenly feeling as old as his actual years.

“You don’t have to do this right now Steve,… Or ever,… You know what’s in the video,… this won’t help Bucky… or you.” Sam offered as he sat next to his friend and watched him with a patient, thoughtful expression. 

The Captain looked up at Sam and then turned toward Natasha who nodded in agreement. He then looked up at the others and leaned back in his chair with a heavy, resigned sigh, a grim but determined expression on his face.

“I am going to watch the video,… if anyone else decides to excuse themselves that is understandable.” The Captain had spoken and as his gaze traveled around the room. Banner stood up and simply nodded at Steve before he headed for the door, pausing at the threshold to look back as if he might say something before shaking his head and leaving, the silence afterward heavy and loaded. Natasha sat on one side of the Captain and took his hand in hers, giving a gentle squeeze as Sam sat on the other and patted his back.

“Jarvis.” Steve sighed and nodded as the lights dimmed and a video once again resumed, offering a security recording of a car accident and a familiar figure dressed in Black. Steve watched with a heavy heart as the man he loved killed a man they had both admired and called a friend during the war before killing his wife, Tony’s mother. The video was brutal and left Steve with a hollow pain in his chest and guilt clawing at his heart. Steve wiped his eyes with an emotional sigh before he looked back up at Rumlow’s taunting expression, a gleam of malice in his black eyes framed is his disfigured face.

“Well will ya look at that?... The Winter Soldier bashed in Stark’s face life a fucking piñata!... And then oopps,… guess the old lady had to go,… choked the old broad with his metal arm,... Their blood is on his hands,... He didn’t even flinch,… didn’t even pause,… just executed them and came back to Hydra like the obedient dog he is,…Tell me Cap,… You think Ironman is gonna want to help you save yer old pal now?... Or is he gonna want pay back?.... Justice for his murdered parents!... Face it Rodgers, … You lost your precious Bucky Barnes when he fell from that train,… he ain’t that guy no more,… he’s just the Soldier now,… and nothing you do is gonna change what he’s done,… what he has become!” Rumlow ginned and saluted with the one finger again before the screen went blank. 

The room was silent and the mood tense. Steve stood up with his shoulder’s hunched and head down. He cleared his throat and he looked up at Fury and Hill.

“Rumlow’s wrong,… Bucky is recovering,… he is,… he is gonna get better,… he just,... He needs time and,…he’s not the Winter Soldier,… that’s not who he is…”Steve’s words choked off and he shook his head before turning abruptly and exiting the room, needing space and time to work through every emotion that was ripping through his battered heart and ease the guilt twisting in his gut. Those still in the room watched him go and gave each other looks that shared their hope that Steve was right, for every one’s sake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End notes: Clearly my story is influenced by scenes and aspects of Civil War, but I think of this as just an alternative timeline still based off the MCU events. Stark would still be pissed and the video fottage we saw in Civil war is what I am describing.


	15. A friend in need is a friend indeed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s note: As Bucky gains more concept of self, the realization of what he’s done will be a bitter pill to swallow and his mind will snap him back into conditioned compliance when he feels overwhelmed. Breaking through his programing with recovered memories and the feelings that go with them is going to trigger him and we will see regression. Recover is not a straight line, set backs to be expected but heart breaking none the less.

Steve was quietly sketching as he sat in the reclining chair next to Bucky’s hospital bed in the main room of the medical suite. His eyes were still puffy red from the tears he shed earlier that morning after watching the videos sent to SHEILD by Rumlow. The Captain had felt like he was drowning in guilt, anger and despair all underlined with a nervous anxiousness that Stark might decide not to offer any more help and he would have to take Bucky and leave, stuck with a broken metal arm and no resources. Steve had torn through a few new punching bags and then taken a very long shower before going to check on Bucky who was still sedated. Bruce had reassured the Captain that the detox was working and he was in stable condition while Sam insisted on dragging him out of the tower to get some fresh air and a late lunch. 

It was almost 6 pm when Dr. Banner had taken Bucky off the sedatives and detox IV, keeping him on pain killers only to combat the soreness cased by the metal arm, his shoulder still inflamed, skin hot and red. Steve looked up from his sketch book when Bucky’s flesh hand rose toward him off the bed along with a horse mumble. “Steve?”

“Hey pal,…” The Captain smiled at Bucky, taking his hand and leaning forward as he set aside the book and stroked hair from his friend’s face, Blue-gray eyes blinking open heavily, half lidded. Bucky stared up at his Steve with a small pout as he studied the man who was smiling beneath worried eyes.

“How are you feeling Buck?” Steve asked gently rubbing Bucky’s knuckles with his thumb. Bucky opened his mouth to respond before shutting it as he considered the question.

“I feel,… Heavy,…below functional status,… and …. I feel… concerned?” He asked with an expression of uncertainty.

“Concerned?... What are you concerned about Bucky?” Steve asked as he found his own expression mirroring the recovering man.

“Your face,… You have been crying Steve,…. You are upset… I do not like when you are upset,… I want you to be happy.” Bucky explained, and Steve felt his lips curl back into a smile as he recognized Bucky was making a deliberate effort to use the phrases and words that expressed preference as Sam and the Psychiatric team had been couching him to do. The words like, and want were new to his vocabulary but he had been using them as often as he could when the programing was not keeping him silent and submissive.

“Yea,… I was crying earlier but I am ok now,…I’m concerned about you Bucky…. I will be happy as soon as you feel better and the metal arm isn’t hurting you anymore.” Steve offered as he continued to stroke Bucky’s face. The Former Asset nodded his comprehension and closed his eyes briefly as he leaned into Steve’s touch and let out a sigh before opening them again with an unspoken question, gaze seeking permission to speak.

“What is it Buck?...What do you want to say?” Steve patiently couched.

“I knew Stark?... During the War?... He made your shield?” Each phrase was spoken as a question, a puzzled expression on his face. Steve felt his gut twist and his eyes blinked as he sighed heavily. He considered calling Sam to come help, unsure what to say and how to say it. He rubbed his face and then looked back down at Bucky who was regarding him warily, watching his Steve’s reaction with caution.

“You knew his father,…. Howard Stark. He was part of the Strategic Scientific Reserve during the war and he helped the Howling Commandos by building us combat gear and weapons for our missions. He made my shield and made my uniform better armored and he made you a combat jacket that was navy blue, your favorite color,… and customized a special rifle for you.” Steve explained with a smile beneath strained eyes. Bucky narrowed his own gaze in thought as he nodded before he looked away with a pensive frown.

“He was young,… but,… I remember him with white hair,… I,...” Bucky paused and his eyes grew big as he jerked his head toward Steve with an alarmed expression. Steve swallowed as he recognized the dawning look of distress on his friend’s face, griped by the realization of what he had done. Bucky’s mouth fell open and he let out a deflated breath before he closed his eyes and dropped his head heavy onto the pillow.

“Hey Bucky,… It’s okay,… I think I know what you remembered, and Hydra is the one to blame,... For everything Bucky... You had no choice.” Steve tried to reassure but didn’t want to give away more then what his friend might have remembered about his fatal mission that ended the lives of Tony’s parents. Bucky’s eyes remained squeezed shut and he let out a strangled sigh as he spoke with a soft whisper.

“I killed him Steve,… I killed Howard Stark,….. and,... and his wife…” His eyes opened as he turned to look at his Steve with remorse and shame but also dread. “I killed the parents of The Avenger’s Technician!” His breath was slightly escalated and he bit his lip, looking nervous, his flesh hand becoming a fist as he gripped the bed sheets.

“It wasn’t your fault Bucky,… Hydra made you do that,… they forced you to kill and hurt people.” Steve tried to reassure him but felt his own voice grow tight. Bucky blinked and looked away, staring up at the celling with his eyes moving back and forth as he tried to consider what this realization would mean. His heartbeat was increasing but his breaths remained even only faster. 

“Bucky,… It’s going to be okay,… alright?..... Everything is going to be fine….” Steve tried to console his anxious friend who started shaking his head back and forth before turning his anguished gaze back to the Captain.

“How?... How can anything be ok?..... I killed them,… Howard was my friend,… Howard Stark…… I remember him Steve,…and He,… oh God,… He recognized me!... He said Sergeant Barnes!...He said my name and I couldn’t,… I didn’t stop,… I killed them both!...I….” Steve was once again gripped by the intensity of having his friend back, of having the real Bucky Barnes, Brooklyn accent and all pierce through the Soldier’s programing and it felt like a dagger in his heart as he watched him break free only to break apart in the process. Steve stared back at Bucky with an open mouth that had no words. He reached forward toward his friend with a broken voice.

“Bucky…” His effort was knocked away as Bucky used his flesh hand to shove Steve back as he let out a frustrated and shattered cry.

“NO!... No Steve,… it’s not fine,… Its not going to be okay,… Everything is destroyed,…. Everything we fought for,… The War,… all of it,… it didn’t matter,… nothing we did mattered,… Hydra controls everything,… Hydra will always win,…..” Bucky’s tone started off an angry growl but was becoming a panicked sob, eyes frantic as he shook, flesh hand coming up to pull at his hair as he looked around the room wildly.

“Bucky,… Hey,… no, no… Calm down.” Steve tried to reach for him again and stop his hand from tugging on his hair but Bucky shoved him away again, gripped in a panic attack that triggered more flash backs as he curled in on himself and rocked, words stuttered between gasps as he violently pulled on his hair, eyes squeezing shut.

“Hydra is everywhere,… Hydra sees everything,... Cut off one head… two more take its place,…. There is no escape from Hydra,…” His words were gasped as he squeezed his eyes tight.

Bruce entered the medical suite with two more doctors as Steve hovered over Bucky’s curled form, the heart rate monitor beeping rapidly. Steve looked up with a desperate expression, eyes begging for help and mouth still open but without words.

“Hydra will prevail,… Hydra will provide control,… Order through Pain,… Compliance will be rewarded,… Compliance is the only way,… I must Comply,… I will comply!” Bucky was shaking hard as he choked out the broken words that were the foundational bricks of Hydra’s programing. Bruce was already injecting the anti-psychotic sedative into the IV that was still attached to Bucky’s flesh arm, giving Steve a steady, reassuring nod as the Captain hesitantly placed his hand on his friends shoulder.

“Bucky,…. Buck..?” Steve’s voice sounded strained to his own ears as he watched the man he loved suffer through a psychotic break, brought on by a panic attack because Bucky Barnes could not handle the reality of what he had done as the Winter Soldier. Steve shook his head as he rubbed circles into his friends back as he felt the tense, shaking muscles slowly ease under his palm.

“Compliance will be rewarded,… Hydra will provide control,... Hydra will ensure order…” Bucky’s words were becoming slurred, and the grip on his hair loosened until his hand fell back in his lap and he slumped sideways against Steve with a low wine of distress, no resistance left as the sedative took hold. The Captain wrapped his arms around his confused and mentally unstable friend.

“I will Comply,… I am ready to Comply… Order through pain.” The last of his words ended with a broken sob as Steve’s gaze looked up in a fretful expression with Bruce as they listened to Bucky’s mumbled mantra, wheezed out as his breathing slowed until he was finally unconscious. With a heavy heart Steve lowered Bucky’s limp form back down into the bed, tucking him in and stroking his hair back as he swallowed down his own grief. Steve fell heavily into the chair as he rubbed his face, jaw locked as he tried to focus on his own breathing and not let himself become discouraged despite the nauseating feeling that for every one step forward, Hydra’s tentacles where dragging Bucky two steps back, and his friend was suffocating from their choking grip.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Steve woke up with a sudden gasp, blinking into the dark room as he quickly laid eyes on Bucky’s slumbering form, appearing almost peaceful. Steve was shaking slightly as he rubbed his eyes, still reeling from a half remembered dream of watching Bucky, laughing as he danced with different girls around a crowded dance hall. The music was fast and Steve had felt his chest squeeze like an asthma attack as he saw fleeting glimpses of darkness flittering through the unknown patrons of the dance hall who’s faces began to look familiar, friends and foe from his life before and now in the 21st century. He was looking for Bucky, he knew he had to warn him, had to find him before,… before The Winter Soldier appeared, blue eyes blazing with intensity over his muzzled face. Everything slowed down as The Soldier drew a knife, grabbing Bucky’s hair as he slit his throat slowly. Steve was frozen in place, unable to move as both sets of gray-blue eyes were looking at him with the same lost and painfilled gaze that so often lived within his tormented friend’s expression now. 

Steve let out a quivered breath and rubbed his eyes as he tried to calm his racing heart as fragments of the dream dissipated. He took three long breaths before realizing they were not alone in the room. 

The Captain jerked his head toward the doorway where a figure stood in shadow, leaning against the frame with a drink in hand. Steve swallowed as he watched Tony lift his drink in a mock cheers before taking a few steps into the room, the blue light from the medical equipment casting an eerie glow that gave him a harsh, aged look, his features drawn and pensive.

“Nightmares,… there like panic attacks on acid,…” Tony huffed as he continued into the room, eyes moving from Steve over to Bucky as his jaw clenched.   
Steve watched in tense silence as Tony turned away and moved slowly toward a rolling chair that he awkwardly dragged with one hand back toward the opposite side of Bucky’s bed, sitting across from Steve with the unconscious man between them. Stark let out a heavy sigh before he through back the rest of his drink and then clumsily set it on the bedside table before turning his attention back toward Bucky, eyes dark and troubled, mouth twisted in a frown. Steve stared at Tony with an uncertain expression and then back down at his friend, unsure what to do or say. Steve felt a crushing weight as he realized he had been fighting against a crippling helpless paralysis since first laying eyes on Bucky back in DC when his mask had fallen off and the horrible truth was revealed. Steve had relied on his own mask as Captain America to help him soldier through and keep fighting, but now, after the dust had settled and the reality was here, laid out Infront of him, he felt just as useless to help his friend recover now as he did that dreadful day when he failed to reach Bucky and watched helpless as the man he loved fell screaming into the cold, racing wind.

“I use to dream about the car crash,… and for a while after,… I would get drunk and drive down that road,… go as fast as I could,… Just to see if,… To try and understand how,… Why,…” Tony shook his head as he wiped his own face, eyes settling again on Bucky as he shook his head. Steve remained silent as he waited to hear what Stark was going to say, what decision he had come to after being gone less then 24 hours.

“It doesn’t matter,….” He chuckled darkly as he shook his head and sat back in the chair. “I was a shit show,… and Obadiah just kept on bailing me out of one stupid mistake after another,… Sending me off to fancy rehabs in the Caribbean or the Alpes and paying the papers to report that I was working on collaborative projects with ally countries… I mean I was,… sort of,… It’s like whenever I was sober I was so depressed and racked with guilt I couldn’t create,…” Stark looked up at Steve who met his gaze with a patient, steady look. “You have no idea what that’s like,… Being a God damn genius who couldn’t come up with,… couldn’t even think enough to,…” He fluttered his hand in the air as if the words were lost but visible and obvious. He shook his head again and his eyes narrowed. “Obadiah would get a Doctor to prescribe me a fist full of pills until I couldn’t shut my mind off, until all I could do was stay locked up in a lab for days at a time building, engineering,… Making weapons that could kill everything and everyone…. And then I would escape!... Run off and get hammered and do anything and everything in a manic binge until I finally crashed again and I would wake up in some new rehab for a few weeks before he would bring me back home and get me back to work again….” Stark sneered as he shook his head. 

“It was Happy and Rodey who caught on to the Doctor,… and how the prescriptions were fueling my mania, not helping me deal with the depression. Obadiah acted like he had no idea,… said he ruined the guys career and he could never practice Psychiatry again,... found out later that he paid the guy off and the slime ball has three different houses and a yacht, not too concerned with having his professional license revoked.”   
Stark sighed again as he shrugged before looking at Steve with a sad smirk.

“I don’t even know why I am telling you all this Spangles,… maybe because I don’t know what kind of asshole I would be if I didn’t have friends out their trying to save me from myself… Happy is the one who hired Pepper,… or,… I mean he’s not like,… her boss or anything,… but he told me about her when Obedy was doing interviews and I trusted him,... I knew if he thought she would be good for me then that’s all that I needed to know. I lived life like that for most of my adulthood,… Just letting other people tell me were I was and what I was supposed to be doing and then never worrying about being responsible for my mistakes because other people would handle it…..” Stark huffed another laugh before he looked back down at Bucky, face getting more serious.

“I have somethings in common with Barnes,… more then I’d like to think about,… and I know what it’s like to get eaten up with guilt,... To feel responsible for death and knowing that ignorance or lack of choice doesn’t take away the grief or the self-hatred... I know,….” Tony looked up at Steve and sat forward. “I know that my father respected Sergeat Barnes,… That if he were alive today,… And knew what Zola had done,…. What my father had allowed Zola to do under his supervision...”   
Tony rubbed his temples and shrugged again before he looked at Bucky. 

There was a long stretch of silence and then Steve spoke, the words soft and earnest.

“I‘m sorry Tony.” Steve’s heartfelt expression was met with Stark’s dark, troubled eyes and he nodded simply.

“Yea,… me too Cap.” Tony stood up and walked unsteadily toward the door, pausing as he heard Steve’s hesitant words.

“We can be gone in the Morning,… if,… If you need us to leave….” Steve’s voice sounded small to his own ears and Stark did not turn to face him as he leaned heavily against the door frame.

“No offense Rodgers,... but you have nowhere else to go,… And we have a team of Doctors who specialize in advance robotic prosthetics meeting here for a consultation lunch with Bruce’s team and yours truly... Your welcomed to join but I am pretty sure the conversation will be over your head.” Tony turned back and gave Steve a small smile beneath narrow eyes.

“I’m still working on the prototype for the new arm,…that is,… if you trust me?” The tone was casual, but the question was genuine and Steve nodded with a serious look.

“Thank You Tony,… for everything.” The Captain spoke with sincerity and Stark hummed with a nod and a halfhearted salute before he turned and walked away, leaving Steve alone with his thoughts to watch over Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Short little in between chapter. I hope you like the back story of how Tony spent his early twenties not dealing with the loss of his parents.


	16. Functional

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Happy Holidays friendly readers. My gift to you is yet another angsty Hurt/ comfort chapter. This one is a bit longer.

The next morning when the Soldier awoke, he remained silent as he watched his Steve sleep next to him on the reclining chair. The Asset reflected on the internal dysfunction with in his mind and recognized that the times when he felt the most confused and scared and venerable, the most dysfunctional, he was unable to rely on his conditioning to help him maintain his functional stability. If he was not behaving in accordance with his conditioned responses that were part of his Hydra programing, then that meant he was acting like Bucky, and not like the Winter Soldier. This idea created a nauseating realization that the Asset had not considered when first taking on the personal mission to become Sergent James Buchannan Barnes and re-establish his former operational protocols under the command of Captain Steven Grant Rodgers. Bucky Barnes was not functional, he was not mission ready, and he was not in anyway an Asset to Captain America. Barnes was nothing but a weak, broken and malfunctioning mess. He was scared and helpless and afraid and completely pathetic. He was a crying, shaking, whimpering coward who could not even protect himself from being captured and used by Hydra, let alone provide back up and protection for the Captain. The Asset was behaving erratically, and had become unstable due to the emotional responses from the growing tide of constantly distracting memories and debilitating flash backs. 

The former Hydra Asset considered this apparent fact and glared down at his broken metal arm, huffing with irritation as he acknowledged what a completely useless creature he had become and how pointless his mission to relearn how to be Sergeant Barnes truly was. He felt himself becoming angry as he thought about how hard he was trying to remember his former self and that anger fueled a wave of resentment as he considered the fact that Steve was encouraging him and in fact wanted him to remember who he use to be. He shook his head and glared at the sleeping man with a bitter frown, swallowing down his urge to shout at his Steve and demand an explanation.

After only a few seconds of the heated gaze, Steve’s eyes began to blink open, as if he could sense the intensity of Bucky’s anger. He looked at his friend with a confused frown and shifted to sit up fully, leaning forward and reaching out a hand. The Asset did not flinch and simply stared down at the hand settled over his clenched fist, jaw muscles tight as he huffed out an irritated breath.

“Bucky?... What’s wrong?” Steve asked with a slightly anxious tone. Bucky continued to stare down at the hand on his until Steve pulled it back and sat up strait.

“Bucky…. I need you to answer me.” Steve’s tone became more serious and was underlined with his Captain’s authority. The Soldier responded, bringing his gaze up but only to Steve’s chest, anger still dark in his blue gray eyes, jaw muscles flexing before he spoke between clenched teeth.

“Why don’t you want me to be functional?!” His tone was quiet and calm but laced with resentment and tempered rage. Steve blinked a few times and considered the question.

“Bucky,… I do want you to be functional,… We are going to get your arm fixed as soon as…” Steve was interrupted as the Soldier shook his head once and let out a frustrated growl.

“Steve,… The arm is not the only defect that requires mantaince. My cognition is malfunctioning,…I have become erratic and unstable.” The Asset spoke the words as if he were reporting to his handler but could not conceal the contempt in his voice. 

Steve winced and instantly thought of the first video Rumlow had sent and those same words spoken by a Hydra scientist when Bucky had lashed out. The Captain studied his friend who was once more hidden within the Winter Soldier programing and tried to make sense of his current mood.

“Bucky,… your mind is still healing,… You are just having a hard time dealing with your recovered memories but it’s okay to be erratic and unstable right now… You don’t have to be…..” Again, Steve was cut off as The Soldier shook his head and finally brought his eyes up to Steve’s face with a look of seething anger.

“NO!... you keep saying it is okay,… I am okay,… But I am not… James Buchanan Barnes is weak,… he feels too much, his memories serve no tactical purpose, they only distract and confuse,… The Winter Soldier is strong,… He is a functional Asset,… James Buchanan Barnes is just a useless and broken man,… Why don’t you want me to be functional Steve?... Why do you want me to be Bucky?....” The Soldier spoke with a voice that was quiet but shook from restraint, his frustration and anger forcing him to speak defiantly toward his Steve despite the nauseous pit in his stomach as his Hydra conditioning warned him not to challenge his Handler.

Steve opened and closed his mouth, wiped a hand over his face as he let out a heavy sigh, and then leaned forward, deciding that speaking gently to the irritated Winter Soldier was not going to work and instead he had to challenge him back. In some ways the Soldier was just like Bucky, stubborn and driven but Steve could match him on that front.

“I want you to be Bucky because that is who you are! Everything strong and functional about the Winter Soldier, everything, is because of James Buchanan Barnes! Hydra chose you because you were the only one resilient enough to survive Zola’s experiments. Sergeant Barnes was the man who watched my back and covered my ass during the war. Bucky was the kid who protected me from the thugs and bullies in Brooklyn and cheered me up whenever I needed a friend. Who you are now,… the MAN you are now is not useless and broken,… You are healing Bucky… You are recovering,… And I know it is hard,… I know you get confused... but feeling bad or sad or angry is okay because that is what you need to do in order to be truly functional and not just some mindless Hydra Asset.” The Captain’s voice was even but stern and underlined with steel. The Soldier’s eyes narrowed and he snorted a breath as he looked away, jaw muscles clenching again as he gritted out a reply.

“Bucky is pathetic,… Hydra knew he was,… And so do I… You told me I have permission to express choice and want,… I do not want to be Bucky Barnes,… I do not want to remember him and I do not want to feel… I want to be the Asset, code name Winter Soldier,… I want to be functional again!” He spoke without looking back at Steve and kept his body ridged and braced for a strike. Even though Steve had not disciplined him once since arriving at the Tower he knew that defiance would only be tolerated for so long and he had some memories in the past of Steve fighting him.

The Captain felt his gut twist and his own anger flare up at the words spoken by Hydra’s Asset that was willfully keeping Bucky trapped and locked away. He rose from his chair and leaned over the Hospital bed as he used one hand to grab his friend’s Jaw and force him to meet his gaze, both men locked in an intense stare and battle of wills.

“The Asset is not functional, … The Asset was only a weapon used by evil people who wanted to destroy everything you and I ever believed in,… Everything we fought for. YOU ARE SERGEANT JAMES BUCANAN BARNES!... You are a man, who can think and feel and understand what is right and what is wrong! Hydra made you forget how to function as a man, as the man you truly are,… One of the best men I have ever known… You are better than Hydra’s Asset because Sergeant Barnes is stronger than The Winter Soldier... And that’s why you are afraid of your memories,… Because the Asset can’t understand how to feel and think but Bucky does,… And if you will just let go of Hydra’s Bullshit then you will know that its true...Please.” The Captain’s voice had started off a commanding speech with a tone of admonishment but had ended with a voice that sounded just as desperate and frustrated as the Soldier felt in that moment. 

The Winter Soldier watched the look on his Steve’s face go from grim determination to something softer and searching. Bucky blinked as he let out a shuddered sigh, gripped by a jumble of mixed emotions that for some reason made him want to punch Steve in the face and then kiss him on the mouth. That strange and yet compelling sensation hit him hard and he felt heat race through him but he quickly pushed the feeling away and jerked his head out of Steve’s grip. He lowered his eyes as he turned away with a blush of embarrassment, avoiding the entrance of the medical suite where two Avengers had watched the tense exchange.

Steve let his hand drop as he stood up and looked up at the small audience who stood in the doorway silently observing. Sam and Natasha stood side by side, Sam with a concerned frown and Natasha with an eyebrow arched.

Steve looked at his teammates then back down at Bucky who was glaring down at his lap, flesh hand clenching the blanket white knuckled, deliberately controlling his breathing.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked with an even tone taking a step inside as Natasha moved toward Bucky while Steve walked toward the Falcon. Natasha gave Steve a nod before sitting down at the edge of Bucky’s bed, hands folded in her lap, body language deliberately non-threatening. Steve sighed heavily and shook his head, giving Sam an anxious and frustrated expression.

“Common man,... lets get some air.” Sam slapped him on the back pushing him toward the hallway as Natasha patiently waited for Bucky to look up and acknowledge her, watching the anger and frustration simmer beneath his submissive demeanor. 

The Soldier kept his breaths even and measured as he listened to the sound of Sam escorting Steve out of the medical suite and toward the elevator, voices low and mumbled as Steve explained the Soldier’s verbal defiance. He sat perfectly still and focused on slowing his breaths until he was still and silent, compliant and willing to submit. The Black Widow was there to assess his disfunction and determine if his defiance qualified as a threat toward Steve or the other Avengers. She was waiting for him to engage and he swallowed down the urge to groan, feeling completely exhausted and more emotionally volatile then he had felt in his time living as Steve’s Bucky at the Avengers tower.

“Freedom isn’t all hot baths, eating real food and choosing what movie you want to watch…” Natasha spoke with a flat, even tone sounding more like an asset then an Avenger. Bucky turned toward her but didn’t look up, waiting to hear what the Black Widow would say next. She sighed as she shook her head and looked away toward one of the many nature photographs in the room.

“Steve has no idea,… none of them do,… really.” Natasha shrugged casually as she continued staring at the photo of the tree frog while in her peripheral vision she saw Bucky raise his head just slightly, intently listening to her words.

“There is a certain gratification with a job well done,… A mission completed,… the relief of not facing punishment because you preformed as required.” She nodded, seeming to be speaking her own thoughts aloud, asking for no reply but just his attention. “But once you take a step away,… Once you start actually making your own choices,… start using this… precious new freedom that should feel like a gift,… instead of a curse…” She looked back toward the Soldier and they made eye contact, a sense of understanding and a quite acknowledgment that she knew why he was resisting, why he wanted to fall back into the simplicity of following orders. 

“It feels unreal, and…undeserved...” Natasha’s eyes bore into the Soldier who met her gaze with his own intense expression. “Once you realize,… just how much blood,… and pain… and death you have caused,...” She swallowed and in that moment, she let him see her, not the cool, calm, collected Black Widow or the smart, Sexy and confident Natasha Romanoff, or even the aloof yet quietly motherly Nat. Her eyes looked just as hunted and troubled as his own, mouth in a pout and shoulders slightly hunched, a reflection of his own inner conflict. She shook her head as he regarded her with caution and distrust, surprised she would leave herself vulnerable and exposed.

“I’m not gonna lie to you Barnes,... the guilt,… the feeling that you will never get clean,… That everything you’ve done,…every life you took and every order you followed stains your soul… And you hate yourself for what you let them make you into,…. But the idea of being anything else, of feeling anything else terrifies you even more…” She shook her head and looked away from him again closing her eyes for a moment before continuing. “It doesn’t go away,… But it does get easier,… Because the reward,… the reward of free will,… of choosing how and when to use your skills,…” She looked back at him with a small, honest smile. “That reward,… is better than any relief from guilt. Compliance is not rewarded,… Compliance is forced,…. And choice is given…” She slowly reached out and set her hand on his as his eyes dropped down to track the movement, body still, ridged and tense.

“You have been given back your right to choose,… think about what that means,… before you let Hydra’s choke hold smother your chance to breath as a freeman,… instead of muzzled as an Asset.” She rubbed her callused finger tips, nails unpolished over the knuckles of his flesh hand that had loosened from gripping the sheets white knuckled. He watched the small pattern she traced through his scarred fist, letting his hand relax further as he swallowed down an urge to beg her to stay, feeling cold and frightened of his own uncertainty and inner conflict. 

Natasha stood up, exchanging a look of sincerity and a depth of understanding that Bucky felt drawn to and yet intimidated by. He blinked and lowered his eyes again, his anger replaced by contemplation and a heavy heart as he realized that he was the only thing holding himself back from being Bucky, and that idea was both liberating and crippling all at once. He did not watch as she walked silently away and out the door, pausing briefly to speak to him in Russian.

“You just need to find the courage to let yourself fall apart,…let go of your programing, so the Winter Soldier can die… Only then can Sergent Barnes truly live.” Her voice was certain, almost challenging and for the briefest moment he felt a stirring of heat in his veins, but as she walked away and left him alone, he once more felt the chill of useless anger and he shivered as he realized that he was at a loss of how to fight this battle, and he had no idea what it would feel like to win. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Out on the rooftop Steve’s face was turned up toward the early morning sun, eyes closed as he let out deep breaths, clenching and unclenching his fists, willing himself to calm down and think instead of just letting his frustration cloud his judgment. Sam stood nearby, leaning against the railing as he quietly studied Steve, just like Natasha had done for Bucky, waiting until he was calm enough to listen. After another few measured breaths The Captain let out a deflated sigh and rolled his shoulders, blinking as he looked over at Sam, face crumpled in worry.

“What am I suppose to do Sam?” He began with a groan.

“Steve…” The VA counselor sighed as the Captain continued to ramble and began to pace.

“He said he didn’t want to be Bucky, that he was choosing to be the Asset...” Steve grunted with reignited frustration.

“Steve….” Sam tried again standing up strait with his hands on his hips.

“How am I supposed to help him understand? I need to figure out how to get him…” Steve was cut off as Sam stepped in his way and placed a hand on each shoulder.

“Steve… This isn’t about you,… this isn’t about anything you are doing or not doing,… This is about a brain washed POW, that is rediscovering his own humanity and coming to terms with a lot of emotional baggage, most of which he can hardly recognize or begin to understand…Remember when we all said this wasn’t gonna be easy,… And that we would just take things one day at a time?....” Sam smirked as Steve sighed heavily and nodded, looking off to the side and then back at Sam with a beaten expression.

“Everyday he makes progress Sam,... Everyday he is remembering more and learning to trust us,… how can,… why would he want to go back to being the Winter Soldier?..... I know it’s hard but Bucky was never a quitter and……”

“Steve,… Like you told him down stairs man,... Everything strong about the Winter Soldier comes from Barnes not from Hydra right?” Sam asked and received a nod as Steve wiped his face and shrugged. “Okay,… So If he is use to operating and functioning as the Winter Soldier, as an emotionless killing machine designed to follow orders and not question authority…. don’t you think maybe allowing him self to feel vulnerability and guilt and remorse might feel a little bit like surrender,… Like he is losing his grip on what makes him powerful and useful and worth wile as an Asset, the only identity he fully comprehends?” Steve listened to Sam and shook his head opening his mouth only to have the VA councilor cover it with his hand.

“I know that you remember how kick ass your old pal was,… but right now,… All he remembers is a lot of pain and suffering, with a little bit of sun shine in between… The realization of what he’s been through and what he has done for Hydra is a tough pill to swallow Steve… Your right that he has made a lot of progress,… Real progress,… but it’s only fair that you accept he is gonna have his bad days... Days when feeling and thinking like Bucky hurts more then disassociating and going numb and complacent... Let him work through this…You can’t just wave a magic wand over his head...You can’t just tell him to let go of Hydra’s Bullshit when that is all he knew as truth for so long.” Sam tried to get Steve to understand, to come to terms with the fact that Bucky wasn’t just going to reaper once his memory came back.

The Captain looked away as he sighed heavily, stepping out of Sam’s grip and over to the edge of the tower, looking down at the street where people were begining to move about for their day.

“He’s trying to break through Sam,… Bucky is in there,… You heard him the other day,… When he was fighting back……” Steve looked over at Sam with a heavy sigh shaking his head. “Every time Bucky shows up,… he is scared and in pain and confused,… And then The Winter Soldier programing takes over and doubles down,… And it’s like,….. it’s like Bucky is locked away and the Damn Winter Soldier is keeping him prisoner… I just want to help him break free.” Steve spoke softly, sounding emotionally gutted as he looked back down at the streets of Manhattan. Sam joined Steve at the edge and offered a small shrug.

“Maybe The Winter Soldier isn’t his prison guard,… maybe he protects Bucky,...it’s possible the programing feels like a suite of armor,… Lets him dissociate so he can hide from how horrific his life was as Hydra’s Asset.” Sam looked over at Steve who met his gaze with a contemplative expression. 

“All you can do is show him why his life is better now as Bucky instead of as an Asset, and give him time to figure out how to come to terms with all the shit he’s been through,…. He can’t just be Bucky again Steve,… you know it’s not that simple.” Sam patted The Captain on the Back as the two remained in shared silence on the Roof, considering how to help the Sergeant reclaim himself in the face of unthinkable guilt and anguish.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Steve decided to give Bucky some space and went with Sam to go check out a random VA support group that met in one of Stark’s numerous community rehabilitation clinics in New York for homeless Veterans, many of whom were suffering from PTSD and addiction. The Captain sat in the back with his ball cap pulled low as he and Sam listened to men and women of all ages talk about the ugliness of war and how their lives spiraled out of control and lead them to depending on drugs or Alcohol. Some of the older Veterans talked about doing opium in Vietnam and using heroin when they returned. Some of the younger soldiers explained their path of addiction started with pain medication and how they ended up on the streets after their PTSD left them with violet flash backs that alienated them from friends and family. The sense of immense guilt and shame were common themes in some stories while others seemed stuck in a state of anger and defensive aggression. There were moments of tension and at one point a man started screaming at another who challenged his unwillingness to accept responsibility for his actions. Steve was going to stand up and get involved but Sam grabbed his arm and shook his head as the VA counselors running the meeting called in their own security team who de-escalated the situation and removed the irate man who seemed to be on the verge of a psychotic break.

By the end of the hour Steve seemed less anxious then he had been earlier that morning walking there and instead he was quiet and contemplative, thanking Sam for bringing him. He excused himself after, insisting he needed some time alone to think and would meet Sam back at the Tower. The Captain took a long walk around Central park as he replayed the stories of the veterans from the clinic and then thought about Bucky’s own tendency to drink heavily during the War, glassy eyed and lost in thought as he stared into the camp fire, oblivious of the Commandos around him. Steve had shared his concern about Bucky drinking too much with Peggy but also recognized that it had never seemed to compromise his accuracy in the field. When he confronted Bucky about it late one night in their shared tent it had resulted in a heated argument that left both men angry and sulking for the better part of two days. It was the grim and nauseating sight of being faced with yet another mass grave outside of a small polish town that brought an end to their stubborn avoidance of each other. That night all the men drank with haunted expressions by the fire, including Captain America. 

When Steve returned to the tower that afternoon, he avoided going back to the medical suite he shared with Bucky and instead arrived at the large, somewhat informal gathering of doctors and neuroscientists who were all conversing around a large buffet. The men and women all greeted the Captain with excitement and eager expressions as they talked about what an honor it was to meet him before once more returning to their own medically oriented conversations. Steve sat quietly off to the side, barely remembering to eat as he looked around at the rapid conversations of some of the world’s most brilliant minds who spoke at each other, with each other and over each other all at once with Stark leading the mayhem and Banner interjecting once every few minutes as he listened to his colleagues. There was a doctor from Japan who specialized in robotic neural connections and he used a translator who was interacting with a young woman who appeared to be deaf and had her own translator there. A quiet man in an ornate African robe who had mentioned Wakanda had brought with him his own digital blue print of a prosthetic design and was showing it to Stark as other’s used pads of paper or napkins and scribbled out calculations or took notes and sent e-mails. All around was a frenzy of conversation and Steve felt a sense of being overwhelmed and lost as he tried to make sense of any of it.

His mind drifted as he thought about one of the Veterans who explained how her PTSD felt when she was having a panic attack, the noise and chaos, not understanding anything around her and how she relied on her medication to help her feel “doped up” enough to not become violent. Steve wondered if that’s how it might feel for Bucky once the Winter Soldier’s programing finally cracked and he was left without the conditioned state of compliance and mechanical calm that kept him maintained as a functional Asset. 

Steve blinked rapidly as he was shaken from his thoughts by a buzzing sensation in his pocket. He retrieved his phone and read the text message from Jarvis with a concerned frown.

Sir, Sergent Barnes is refusing to eat. He has not ingested any substance orally in over 46 hours and will not respond to the directives given by his medical team.  
The Captain let out a sigh as he rubbed his forehead before standing up with his half eaten plate of food. As he walked toward the doorway Bruce intercepted him, phone is hand.

“I’m guessing Jarvis let you know about Bucky’s hunger strike?” Banner offered a small smile and shrug as Steve nodded with a swallow, looking down at his own mostly uneaten plate.

“Nat told me about what happened earlier, … I know this is a lot Steve,…. for both of you.” Banner spoke with a low, comforting tone before gesturing toward the buffet. “Bring him a plate and eat with him,… Maybe don’t try to force anything,… just let him eat at his own pace…. If he is still not eating in a few hours, we will reattach his IV and figure out what is going on from there.” Banner smiled and nodded as he pat Steve on the back before refilling his mug with green tea and joining the others who were in a spirited debate over the attachment joint in the shoulder and how to minimize discomfort and maximize flexibility.

The Captain piled both plates high with an assortment of different food and a mug of chicken noodle soup that reminded him of cold nights when he felt sick and his mother’s recipe would warm his bones. As he entered the medical suite, he was greeted by a few concerned faces of the treatment team who all nodded in his direction as they stayed back away from Bucky who was sitting completely still and silent, head down and breathing even but heavy. As the Captain drew closer, he saw his friend’s body brace with tension, but he did not otherwise acknowledge his presence. 

Steve walked up to the side of the bed and set both plates down on the side table before grabbing a chair from the dining table to pull up next to Bucky. He smiled and nodded as a nurse offered him a few napkins and two cartons of orange juice that was infused with electrolytes and extra nutritional additives. It was a special blend Tony had nick named “Super OJ” and was a favorite of the Avenger’s after long missions. 

Steve then turned his attention toward Bucky who had raised his head enough to glance in Steve’s direction before looking away when their eyes met. Without any words spoken the Captain poked straws in both large cartons and positioned the mug of chicken noodle soup with a spoon it in toward Bucky with a plate of food next to it. He then picked up his own fork and started eating from his plate, hardly tasting the food as he consciously focused to not look up at Bucky. He could feel his friend’s intense focus on him as he watched his Steve eat in silence. 

Bucky’s stomach was cramped with pain and his head throbbed with a dull ache. His mind had been chasing it’s self in an endless loop of trying to decide if he needed to continue with his mission to become Bucky or if it was necessary to go back to his numbed, detached existence as the Winter Soldier. To be an effective Asset to Captain America, he knew the Winter Soldier programing would be useful in the battlefield, but to be Steve’s friend when not engaged in active combat, he knew Bucky Barnes was who he had to be. 

The Soldier had been left alone most of the morning with the exception of a few Doctors and Nurses who offered him protein shakes and rice pudding, the latter a treat he had asked for often. Unable to escape the mental conundrum, he remained silent and withdrawn into himself, not meeting their faces as his own mind seemed intent to rip him in half with anxious racing thoughts that each demanded his attention and provided contradicting logic. These battling arguments were accompanied by vicious glimpses of violent Hydra memories and past missions alongside soft, unfocused glimpses of Steve that stirred up feelings that the conflicted Asset could hardly understand and added to his growing anxiety. He watched Steve eat with a migraine pounding between his temples and a sickening knot in his stomach that wouldn’t let him eat even if he wanted to.

After several long minutes Steve heard a shuddered breath and looked up as Bucky turned away and covered his face with his flesh hand, shoulders beginning to shake as silent tears streamed down his face. Steve let out his own small sigh and carefully moved the table to the side before taking a seat facing Bucky on the bed and placing a hand on his friends lowered head. The connection brought with it a muffled sob as Bucky leaned forward still shaking as Steve gently pulled him close into a gentle embrace, speaking soft and low against his temple as he let Bucky shelter himself in his protective arms.

“I’m here Bucky,… I’ve got you pal,… We are in this together.” Steve promised as he made a conscious effort not to use the words ‘ your ok’ or ‘it’s going to be okay.’ Bucky was strong and resilient, but he was definitely not okay and Steve was beginning to understand just how difficult it was for the Asset who was the Winter Soldier and the Man who was Bucky Barnes to understand and accept his own mental instability and the fear that was invoked from feeling helpless without any control.

“I’m sorry Steve,…. I do not know how to function,… I do not know what I need to do…..” Bucky pulled back slightly and with a trembling pout and eyes that looked lost and desperate he clung to his Steve’s shirt with his flesh hand. “Please,… just tell me what to do,... tell me how to be Bucky,…I will comply but…I… I don’t know how,… I don’t understand…” His voice was a pleading whisper, choked with raw emotion as he begged for some way out of his confusion, some clear and direct path that would help him achieve his mission to become Bucky Barnes.

Steve felt his chest constrict and his throat became tight as she shook his head with a sad smile and kissed Bucky’s forehead before pulling him back into his embrace.

“Just give it time Bucky,… everything just takes time,… The only thing you can do Buck is to let your self feel,… All the good and the bad,… Everything,…I promise I will be with you the whole way pal,… I won’t let you face this alone… We are in this together Bucky… ‘Till the end of the line.” Steve spoke the familiar promise, an oath they both swore long before they had been torn apart by war and forced to live without each other’s love as an anchor. His own eyes grew wet and Bucky let out another sob, tears soaking Steve’s shirt as he gave into the order from his Steve and felt the intense emotions rip through him, letting the onslaught of memory hammer against his exhausted and battered programing that tried to resist. He would comply, he would let himself fall apart as long as Steve was there to help him piece everything back together, maybe then he could finally make sense of who he was supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End note: The struggle is real for our dearest Sergeant Barnes!... He has been trying so hard to focus on learning how to become Bucky but with the mission mentality of the Winter Soldier. The cognitive dissidence created by his thoughts and feelings triggered by memories is something he has no way to understand. That is why he is now beginning to have more and more emotional break downs.


	17. Amputee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: So we are beginning to see the true Bucky Barnes emerge, in part triggered by the trauma of surgery related to his arm. The way I see this, the more intense the memories, the more his feelings erode the Hydra conditioning and the more Bucky gets to break through the Winter Soldier programming. However, when it gets to be too much he will still retreat back into the detached and numb mentality of the Soldier as his mind has been conditioned to do.

It was late in the evening hours after Steve had coaxed Bucky into eating after he could shed no more tears and was left exhausted and docile. Steve had laid next to him in the hospital bed, smoothing back his hair and humming an Irish lullaby until Bucky’s heavy, red eyes finally drifted shut and refused to open, his breaths becoming even. Steve remained next to his long-lost love for almost an hour as he thought about all of the turmoil and pain he had seen in those stormy blue eyes. He felt humbled by the very fact that Bucky had survived his nightmare of slavery for longer than Steve had been frozen in the ice and for not the first time he thought about the two years he worked for SHEILD after the battle in New York. Steve felt his own anger and guilt twist in his stomach as he recalled a few rare evenings he had spent with the Strike team after missions, when he was trying to force himself to be social. He felt bile in the back of his throat as he pictured Rumlow smiling and offering him a beer with Jack Rollins at his side, pretending they were his teammates when in truth they were holding his best friend captive, subjecting Bucky to horrific torture and unyielding cruelty all while conducting countless crimes against humanity on behalf of Hydra.

Steve withdrew quietly from the bed, careful to sooth Bucky when his eyes shot open, kissing his forehead again softly as he whispered it was time to rest and he would be back soon. Bucky didn’t close his eyes all the way but was too tired to resist the order and let himself fall back asleep.

Steve made his way to the gym after he had asked Jarvis where he could find Natasha. As he entered the large training area he saw Nat and Barton sparing, a match up that was definitely entertaining and creative. Steve almost forgot his anger after twenty minutes of acrobatics and combative gymnastics, grinning when Barton finally tapped out and Natasha groaned in relief, collapsing limp next to her SHIELD partner who was gasping for air now that she had released her choke hold.  
Steve gave them a slow clap and received a huffed laugh from Barton with a thumbs up and a simple cocked eyebrow from Natasha. After a moment she got to her feet and offered a smirk as Steve handed her a water canister and then knelt down and handed one to Clint with a chuckle.

“You almost had her a couple times.” The Captain teased and the archer barked a laugh before accepting a hand up off the ground taking a long swing of water. He shrugged after facing both the Black Widow and the Captain with a smile of his own.

“Nats a pro at hand to hand combat,… I mean we can’t all be good at long distance accuracy,… gotta let her win at something right?” He snickered as Nat punched him in the arm and rolled her eyes. She turned toward Steve expectantly, taking another drink while she waited for him to talk about whatever it was on his mind.   
The Captain sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck before speaking, looking at her with a calm but wary expression.

“I need to see the translated text from the Winter Soldier book.” Steve met Natasha’s gaze as she studied his expression and searched his eyes. She looked over at   
Barton who offered another shrug, this one not care free or joking. Hawkeye turned back toward Steve and spoke with a cautious tone.

“Cap,… Are you really sure you need to read that?... You think you need to know every single heinous thing they did to Barnes in order to help him recover?... I mean you’ve already seen so much of it,… Why is it so important to read about the rest?” He asked with a carful and none threatening tone.

Steve swallowed and looked away from Barton and Natasha with a shake of his head. He looked back and fixed them with certainty.

“If Bucky could survive living through all of it,… Then the least I can do is understand what he’s been through, … I owe him that much.” They were silent for a moment before Natasha nodded, clearly deciding this was an argument neither she nor the others would win with Steve. The Captain nodded back and readied himself for a long night of waking nightmare as he learned how Hydra broke one of the strongest men he knew in order to create their Asset.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

It had taken all night for Steve to read through the translated text, glaring with angry, tear filled eyes at the pictures in the original text next to it. He felt anger swell in his chest and had to stop reading several times to pace around the room with his hands in fists and once he had to rush to the toilet to throw up before breaking down in tears. By 4:18 in the morning Steve had read the last line of notes that detailed the importance of reinforcing The Winter Soldier’s programing by always insisting that he was doing important work for Hydra and that his successful missions should be praised and rewarded with minimal pain infliction before being wiped and frozen. In contrast even the slightest failure or mistake should be strictly punished to emphases the lesson of order through pain as the memory of the missions would be wiped away but not the emotional imprints left behind by the conditioning. Steve felt sick and nauseous, bursting with anger as he recognized that Bucky was dealing with the constant dread of failing his mission to become himself and how much stress that was likely putting on his fragmented mind. 

Steve found himself in the gym at the punching bag, hitting the canvas over and over again, the 800 lb bag swinging with each hit. It wasn’t until he was drenched in sweat and staring at the busted bag that he looked down and saw the blood on his tapped knuckles. With a heavy sigh he shook his head and walked out of the gym is a haze of faded adrenalin and emotional fatigue. He entered the medical wing with a silent nod at the nurses who all gave him a concerned glance. He didn’t have any words for them and so instead just took a moment to peek in through the curtain at Bucky’s sleeping form. He fought the urge to walk over and kiss his forehead, aware that Bucky would wake up and likely be concerned with the state he was in, bloody knuckles and exhausted eyes. With limbs that felt as heavy as his heart, Steve Rodgers dragged himself to the shower, letting the water run ice cold as he shivered and imagined the feeling of cryofreeze. He knew he needed to sleep but the thought of leaving Bucky alone made his chest grow tight. So he sat heavily in the arm chair by his friend’s side, letting his heavy eyes drift shut for as long as he could even as he heard the morning medical staff quietly moving around outside their curtained hideaway.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. 

The Captain stood silently watching behind a one-way mirror as SHIELD Agents surrounded a man in restraints, a traitor who was being interrogated. He remained impassively watching in a dark uniform, a red skull with tentacles curling out from his chest where the star should be. Fury and Peirce each smoked cigars on either side of the stoic Captain as they watched the SHIELD agents, all members of his strike team, taking turns using electric prods to torture the detained man who didn’t make a sound despite his expression of twisted agony, blue eyes begging for relief from the constant and unrelenting cruelty. The Captain looked on at the suffering man without any emotional reaction, even as Bucky’s eyes looked directly at him raising his one and only shackled flesh arm out toward the man who should be his savoir. 

Steve… Steve… Steve…

Steve Rodgers awoke with a choked gasp, the horrific nightmare dissipating as he quickly took in his surroundings. Bucky was awake and watching him with a frown of concern, sitting up and leaning toward him with his hand stretched out, calling out to his Steve. As the Captain’s eyes shot open he saw Bucky flinch back and drop his eyes submissively then with a deep breath, blinking rapidly he looked back up at his Steve with intense focus, leaning forward and reaching out again, palm open and steady. Steve instinctively leaned forward and grabbed Bucky’s flesh hand, intertwining their fingers as he brought their hands to his lips kissing each knuckle of Bucky’s hand with a shuddered breath, swallowing down his sob of relief that Bucky was safe. He felt sick as he blinked away images of the horrific nightmare using his other shaking hand to wipe the tears from his eyes. Bucky let go of Steve’s hand and tentatively reached forward to touched his face with gentle, hesitant finger tips, concern etched in his pensive expression. Steve let out another grateful sigh of relief and stared at Bucky with heavy breaths as he let his friend feel his forehead and then check his racing pulse. Bucky’s concerned frown looked so much like his friend’s expression from their life before that Steve had to smile, his grin growing wide and heart thankful.

“Am I interrupting something fellas?” Stark quipped as he pulled back the curtain around them, Bruce looking startled as they watched Bucky frowning with confusion at Steve’s grin while he held two finger’s to the Captain’s pulse.

“Captain Rodgers was having a nightmare Sir, his pulse rate was elevated and respiration became erratic. I am assessing his need for medical attention.” Bucky spoke with calm confidence instead of his normally monotone or hesitant speech, reminding Steve of Bucky during the War whenever he had to make a report to a superior officer and didn’t want them to start asking him questions when he was busy with his own agenda.

Steve laughed with excitement at how much he was able to recognize Bucky breaking through even as he still functioned primarily with behavior patterns of the Soldier.

“Ummmm,…Kay.” Tony answered after he and Bruce both exchanged looks of curiosity and humor.   
“What’s the Assessment Sergeant Barnes?” Bruce asked after a few more seconds of Bucky studying Steve’s laughing smile, eyes wet and looking at Bucky with so much love the former Asset.

“He needs rest Sir,… A few nights of RnR in a real bed.” The Soldier let the words come to him instead of trying to think about what he should say. The statement felt good, it felt right, and he let his own pensive expression lighten as he stared at Steve’s fond expression, lips twisting into a smirk before he ducked his head away suddenly shy. He withdrew his hand and laid back in the bed carefully with a wince as his shoulder made contact with the bedding, even the soft pillow and mattress sparking twinges of nerve pain that made his neck go tense as he grit his teeth and snorted a breath. 

Steve’s smile dimmed and he wiped his eyes again before getting to his feet to try and adjust the pillow so it could prop up Bucky’s broken metal arm, heavy even in the reinforced sling that cradled it. Bruce moved to the other side to assist Steve as Tony crossed his arms and looked at the man who killed his parents with that evil metal arm of Hydra destruction. Tony stared at the contorted metal limb and then looked up at the mask of calm focus that couldn’t conceal the pain living in Barnes’s blue eyes. Steve looked at his friend and he saw it to, how much pain Bucky was attempting to conceal.

“Buck!....” Steve spoke with concern as he carefully stroked the side of Bucky’s pale face, a sheen of sweat blossoming as he settled back into a position that relieved the weight of the arm. Bucky opened his eyes and stared up at Steve, bring his own flesh hand up to catch Steve’s palm against his face, pressing it there for a moment before bringing it toward his shoulder, with a calm and determined look. 

“Get this Hydra Hunk of Junk off of me Stevie!” Bucky offered a strained smile and nod as Steve’s eyes lit up and his grin returned with a blush across his cheeks at the familiarity. Tony and Bruce were both stunned briefly at the Brooklyn accent and the words being spoke from the man they were accustomed to behaving as Hydra’s Asset. It was not the first time they had seen Bucky break through but the other times he had been in a state of panic.

“So… I guess that answers that question,… Jay how long until the vibranium prosthetic arrives from Wakanda?” Tony asked as he closed distance and plucked a cherry from Bucky’s uneaten breakfast tray receiving an arched eyebrow from the Sergeant.

Sir, based on recent correspondence with the representative from Wakanda, the enhanced prosthetic should arrive within 5 days.

“Great,… so,… if our calculations are right, which,… yea know,… they are,… We could have the new appendage ready by the end of next week.” Stark gestured casually.

“But,… first we have to remove the Hydra tech and let his shoulder heal before attaching a new prosthetic. The whole area is so inflamed it needs time for the swelling and irritation to reduce before we can begin that process.” Bruce explained as Steve looked over at Bucky who’s eyes glazed over with a look of resignation as his head dropped.

“Bucky?.....” Steve asked with concern. 

The Soldier swallowed and looked up at the Captain with a slight pout.

“You’re gonna see me without an arm.” Bucky looked down at the metal arm and then at his flesh one before shaking his head with a sigh. “I never wanted you to see me like that Stevie.” He sighed and closed his eyes again leaning back into the pillow with a winced expression, eyes squeezed tight.

“It won’t be for long Buck,… I promise! Your gonna feel so much better after Tony and Bruce replace your mental arm.” Steve tried to console him the only way he knew how.

The Soldier blinked open his eyes and his jaw muscles twitched with tension as he dragged his eyes up toward Stark, flesh hand becoming a fist in the sheets.  
“Sir, I am ready to comply with the surgical procedure.” His tone was almost defiant as he nodded at Tony before his gaze turned menacing and he spoke in a voice that was purposely threatening. “I. trust. you.” Stark took a surprised step back and looked at Bruce and Steve who each watched Bucky with caution. Steve leaned down Infront of Bucky to block his Winter Soldier glare from freezing Stark where he stood. He brought up a hand and stroked Bucky’s stubbled grown face before leaning forward and whispering to him.

“We can trust Stark… He’s our friend Bucky.” The Captain spoke with a quite, reassuring tone underlined with authority. He pulled back and looked at Bucky with an expression that communicated he wanted an answer, an affirmation that Bucky understood what that meant. The Soldier met his Steve’s gaze and nodded once before dropping his eyes again and focusing on breathing. Steve sighed as he stood up and looked from Tony to Bruce who each studied the shifting personality of their patient with a mixture of apprehension and intrigue.

“Sir, I am ready to comply.” The Soldier stated again but this time with his voice calm and mask of numbed acceptance back in place, purposely detached and gaze blank as he looked straight ahead, falling back into his conditioning. The other Avengers looked toward Steve who let out his own heart felt sigh and looked back at them in shared silence, understanding that Bucky was retreating once more into the Winter Soldier’s programing but that it was the only way he knew how to deal with the intensely negative and overwhelming emotions. Steve was beginning to understand just how dependent Bucky had become on the Winter Soldier conditioning for his survival.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Bucky was sedated and completely unconscious only a few hours later, his steal blue eyes blinking shut slowly as he stared at Steve who held his flesh hand and spoke reassurances to him. The Captain was escorted away to the other side of the room as Bruce and the other Doctors and trauma specialists surrounded their patient and began the careful process of detaching the metal arm and unwiring the prosthetic from Bucky’s central nervous system. The Soldier was restrained despite being unconscious as his limbs jerked and spasmed involuntarily. Steve was pacing with his arms crossed as he couldn’t look away but also couldn’t stand the sight, the documentation and photos from the Winter Soldier book flashing in his mind’s eye along with the distorted images of his earlier nightmare. Sam was nearby and attempted to convince Steve to go take a break, having already consulted with Natasha who told him Steve had been up all night reading through the horrific documentation. Steve refused to leave but when the arm was finally disconnected, leaving a bloody hole of burned and charged flesh that had implanted wires and metal plating, his left collar bones exposed by the peeled back lays of flesh, Steve could not take the sight. The dream from his few tormented hours of sleep that morning came back in full force, Steve watching complacently as Hydra tortured his best friend. It had been too close to the truth as Steve had been working with the very organization that was abusing the man he loved for almost two years before project insight was launched. 

“Steve… common man,… You look sick!” Sam insisted and the Captain simply nodded and looked away, staggering to the bedrooms and into the bathroom were he let himself throw up again, his protein bars and smoothie down the drain like his dinner from the night before when he had been reading through the graphic depictions of the Winter Soldier’s programing and conditioning. The Captain washed his face and took a few mouthfuls of water before pushing himself back out the door toward the medical sweet only to have both Sam and Natasha standing in his way. He stopped and looked at them both wanting to insist he had to go back but desperate not to bear witness to anymore of his friend’s seemingly endless suffering.

“The arm is off,… It’s over Steve,… Let the doctors patch him up now,… lets get some air.” Natasha insisted taking a few steps forward and reaching her hand out toward the Captain who reluctantly allowed himself to be lead out to the balcony attached to his room. Sam followed behind them and remained a quiet support as they all three looked out over the chilly spring afternoon, the sun hidden behind thick grey clouds as if reflecting the grayness of Steve’s normally vibrant blue eyes. He was pensive and deep in thought, accepting Natasha’s hand rubbing his back as he hung his head with a heavy sigh.

“You look exhausted Steve,… Just let yourself rest for a few hours,… We will make sure he stays sedated until you can be awake by his side.” Sam tried to once more convince him but this time to his surprise Steve nodded, shoulders slumped and brow pinched in distress. With a heavy sigh he allowed himself to be led back into his room where he collapsed onto the bed and brought an arm over his face the other one balling the blanket in his fist. They left him alone after that, giving him his space to deal with the emotional devastation he was reeling from.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

It was several hours later when Steve remerged from his fitful slumber, less tired but still exhausted and wanting more than anything to just lay down again but this time with Bucky wrapped up in his arms, safe and protected from the hellish memories of his past torment. Steve felt raw and in need of some kind of relief from the gnawing guilt and sickening despair that he felt weighed down by. He walked, blurry eyed and oblivious to those around him as he went straight toward Bucky’s bed side, staring down at the slumbering man who lay peacefully sedated, shoulder wrapped in gauze, the bandage concealing the brutal wound left behind by Hydra’s handy work.

“Steve?” Banner spoke softly as he approached the Captain slowly, coming to stand next to him, looking from the Captain’s distraught expression down toward the focus of his devotion. “We can wake him up now,… we need to… are you ready?” He asked carefully and Steve nodded silently without taking his eyes off of Bucky. The Doctor nodded in understanding and then signaled one of the nurses who carefully detached the IV. Steve shuffled forward and sat down on the edge of the bed, hands desperate to touch but folded in his lap as he waited for Bucky to wake up and give consent, unsure what mindset he might be in.

After only a minute or so Bucky began to stir, and his eyes blinked open slowly. He looked around in a hazy fog at first before he caught sight of Steve and let out a relived breath.

“Hey Bucky.” Steve smiled softly, swallowing down all the hunted echoes of the images and descriptions of torture, instead focusing on the present. Bucky blinked a few more times before his lips curved into a small sleepy smile.

“Hey back at ya Stevie!” Bucky whispered sounding every bit the James Buchanan Barnes of days past. Steve let the warmth of his best guy’s smile wash over him carried by the words he remembered spoken countless times after long work days and drunken nights out on the town. Steve grinned down at his Bucky and brushed his friend’s hair back out of his face. Bucky nuzzled against Steve’s calloused palm, seeking the warmth and comfort he was becoming dependent upon. For a moment they were comfortable, and everything was fine, Steve hazy with fatigue and Bucky from sedation. However, the peace could not last long as Bucky shifted and then froze, looking down suddenly wide eyed at the missing limb, his breath catching in his throat.

“My Arm… I…” Bucky’s voice was a panicked choke before he looked up and around with frantic confusion, struggling to sit up.

“Hey,… Hey,… it’s okay Bucky,… breath,… look at me.” Steve placed one hand on Bucky’s flesh shoulder and his other cradled the side of his friend’s face bringing his fearful gaze up to meet his own steady and calm expression. Bucky bit his lip as he tried to slow his breathing and looked at Steve with vulnerability and humility.  
“They took my arm Stevie,… the bastards,… I am a God Damn amputee!” Bucky let out a broken sob as he looked down at his arm and swallowed then tuned away with a grimace as if the sight made him feel sick. Steve pulled him in close and kissed the top of his head as he stroked his back. 

“I know Bucky,… But Stark is gonna make you another one,… He has a better arm that won’t hurt you like the one Hydra gave you.” Steve tried to console and Bucky stiffened in his embrace before letting out a breath and pulling away with a frown and obvious confusion.

“Howard?... How,… where,...I…I thought,… he’s… he’s dead because,…I,...” Bucky looked around again blinking rapidly with escalated breaths clearly distressed by his confusion and jumbled timeline. Steve let out a deflated sigh and then once more attempted to get Bucky’s frantic gaze to lock with his own.

“Bucky,… the year is 2016,... You were a prisoner of Hydra for over 70 years,… You lost your left arm falling from the train Zola was on in the Alps during our mission. Hydra built you a metal prosthetic arm and stole your memory. You escaped about five months ago and you have been healing. You’re at the Avenger’s tower in New York with me,… and Howard’s son Tony Stark is making you a new arm to replace the one Hydra made for you… Do you remember?” Steve spoke with a calm and steady tone of voice as he searched his friend’s pensive gaze to see if he understood. After a few moments and a couple blinks Bucky looked away and then down at himself and up to the familiar surroundings, eyes becoming half mast as he let out a few deeper breaths of relief, heart rate decreasing. He nodded and looked down at his arm and then up to Steve with a swallow.

“I need water Steve.” Bucky requested as he relaxed back and the Captain nodded, trying to focus on the small victories like assertive speech. Even when his memory was failing and his sense of time and place where confused, Steve could at least be thankful that Bucky was finally voicing his needs and acting more like himself and not the Winter Soldier. The Captain had to stay optimistic and knew that his strength and belief in Bucky’s resilience was more important for his recovering friend then his own desperate need to relieve his guilt. With a soft smile and a fond expression, he handed Bucky an opened bottle of water and then pulled up a chair as he accepted two dinner trays from one of the nurses, forcing himself to eat as he encouraged Bucky to do the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End note: Every Chapter moving forward will bring Bucky a few steps furthering toward reclaiming his personality and memories but there will be a different kind of pain in processing what he has been through. The Winter Soldier was detached and conditioned not to feel. Breaking through that means all the feels. Here we go.


	18. I remember us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Get ready,… things are heating up. But there is no guidebook on how to help your loved one recover his memories and sense of self. Steve is trying his best…

Bucky rarely left Steve’s side over the next week as Bruce carefully monitored the healing tissue and nerve growth of Bucky’s amputated arm, allowing the Sergeant to return to the private bedrooms within the medical suite the next day after his operation. Bucky was off balanced without the heavy metal arm and Steve held on to him as they walked, forcing a smile every time Bucky glanced up at him with an uneasy look or frustrated pout. The recovering POW seemed to be more apprehensive and suspicious of the medical staff, reaching for his Steve’s hand anytime one of the Doctors including Bruce examined his stub shoulder, sitting ridged with short shallow breaths as he kept his eyes on the ground. It was obvious that without the arm Bucky felt more vulnerable and anxious, the progress made over the past few weeks regarding his socialization with the other residence in the tower regressing significantly as he seemed to become even more attached to his Steve. 

The Captain tried his best to still encourage his friend’s growth toward independence and self-sufficiency but could not say no when at night time Bucky automatically followed him into his bedroom. After doing a thorough surveillance sweep of the room including closets, draws, mattress, pillows and blankets, Bucky would then give a nod of affirmation that the area was safe and would wait for Steve to crawl into the covers before joining the Captain in his bed. Steve had reservations about allowing this pattern to continue as he was worried that Bucky still had difficulty understanding consent and self-agency and so he maintained a few feet distance between them, only reaching out when the other man was caught up in a nightmare. Bucky would wake up with a harsh gasp, blinking frantically before looking down at his shoulder and shuddering. He would swallow down his anguish most nights before tucking himself into Steve’s embrace quietly shaking. 

However, on the third night he woke coughing and chocking from holding his breath, yelling Heit over and over as he fell out of the bed landing hard on his healing amputation. Bucky cried out in pain and lashed out violently when Steve tried to help him, kicking him hard enough to crack two ribs. The Captain talked him down from across the room where he sat against the wall, legs open and left hand holding his right side. When Bucky finally recognized who Steve was and where they were he instantly crawled over to his Steve with silent sobs racking through him. Bucky kept his head bowed, hair a mess as he sat on his knees between Steve’s legs. Very slowly he reached out and placed his hand over Steve’s own that held his fractured ribs.

“It’s okay Bucky,… I’m okay pal!” Steve promised as he used his other hand to stroke Bucky’s hair out of his face that was wet with tears as his eyes begged for forgiveness but also relief from the burning fear of his most recent nightmare that left him shaking hard. The Captain coxed his friend closer, pulling him in and Bucky slowly and cautiously moved into Steve’s lap, straddling his friend as he buried his face in Steve’s neck. The Captain had dreams he tried to suppress of Bucky crawling into his lap for a very different reason and the thought made him blush and bang his head against the wall in self-contempt. He wrapped his arms around his friend and held him tenderly as he let out his own sigh and eventually fell asleep leaning against the wall stroking his Bucky’s hair as he hummed the same Irish lullaby they knew from childhood.

The night time ritual felt almost normal after so many weeks of frequent nightmares that had often resulted in Bucky ending up in Steve’s bed even with the psychiatric sleeping medication. However, Steve had been taking a less active roll in Bucky’s showers and had begun withdrawing from the bathroom to just outside the door in order to promote his friend’s understanding of personal space and privacy. Now with only one arm, Bucky held on to Steve’s hand as he entered the shower with a look that begged for his Steve to join him. At first the Captain had attempted to refuse and the look of disappointment and uncertainty that he was given was enough for him to change his mind, stripping down to his boxers as he stood under the large hot spray and helped Bucky wash himself and his long hair that was now down to his shoulders. Bucky had looked at Steve standing in his boxer briefs and then down to his own naked body with a perplexed expression but did not say anything about it until the fifth day when he timidly spoke after Steve had helped dry him off and they were both fully dressed.

“Why do you not shower naked Steve?” Bucky asked with his confused and hesitant tone. Steve looked up from the laundry hamper where he just placed their towels and paused with a deep breath before running his hands through his hair and sighing, eyes searching the room for a way to explain himself. When he looked back up he could see Bucky had grown still, eyes tracking his Steve and body frozen as he waited for the reply. Steve offered a small smile and took a few steps forward before placing his hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

“When I shower alone Bucky, I don’t ware anything,… But when you asked me to join you,… I thought,… I just,… didn’t want you to feel scared.” Bucky tilted his head in confusion, a frown growing on his face.

“Scared, an expression of fear,… why would I be fearful of your naked body Steve?” Bucky blinked once as he looked off to the side, eyes growing distant as a memory played before his eyes, wincing from the slight spike of pain that fired in his healing mind. He looked back at Steve who watched him still trying to cover up his awkward nervousness as a blush grew on his neck. Bucky’s lips curved slightly, and his confused expression was replaced with a sly smile before he took a few steps closer to Steve and spoke in a quiet, secretive voice. 

“Hey Stevie, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours…?” Bucky whispered with a nervous breath and sounded just like he did all those many years ago when they were just two boys going through puberty and learning about their bodies despite Catholic school’s best efforts.

Steve let out a stuttered breath, caught off guard by his friend’s words and his blush grew more as he wiped his mouth. Bucky studied Steve and his smile wilted before he took a step back and looked down, body tensing again and still. Steve let out another slightly bewildered sigh and shook his head as he slowly approached his friend and kept his hands up and outstretched.

“You did nothing wrong,… you said nothing wrong,… your just remembering, right?” Steve asked with a small, sincere smile on his lips as Bucky looked up and nodded before stepping forward and tentatively closing distance until Steve placed hands on both his shoulders.

“Can you tell me what you remember Bucky,… About you,… and me,…About us?” Steve swallowed down his own nervousness and searched his friend’s uncertain and apprehensive expression. Bucky looked away and blinked a few times, a nervous habit that was all his own. He licked his lips and let out a breath before he turned his beautiful baby blue eyes back at his Steve, locking eyes before drifting down to his lips. As if transfixed, Bucky brought his fingertips up and very delicately touched The Captain’s lips, tracing them gently as Steve held his breath. Bucky then brought his fingertips back to his own lips and did the same, eyes once more locking with the Captain. Steve started breathing again, before he let go of Bucky’s shoulders and ran his hand through his own hair, his own nervous habit on full display. Bucky smiled at the sudden familiarity of Steve’s awkward expression as a thousand images were suddenly brought to mind, snap shots of Steve before he was the Captain.  
Despite the scattered pain of his cluster headache from remembering, Bucky felt a sense of peace with how natural it felt to fuss over Steve and provide reassurance.  
“Awww, Stevie,… don’t mess up yer hair right when I finally got it styled for ya.” Bucky chided as he reached up and fixed Steve’s hair, running his finger through it as if he had palm aid and they were preparing for a double date. Steve let out a huffed laugh of bewilderment and shook his head before hugging Bucky to him and kissing his temple.

“We’re doing good Bucky,…whatever you need me to do,… anything Bucky,….. I would do anything for you!” Steve whispered, breath hot on his neck and in his ear. Bucky let out a shuddered breath as a heat wave of desire rippled through him and he pressed himself against Steve as tightly as he could and had to keep himself from rubbing his thickening shaft against Steve’s own stiffening member. Neither said a word about the other one’s arousal, just like they never did. 

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It was a little over a full week since the operation that removed the Hydra limb and the Soldier sat ridged on the exam table, hand gripping Steve’s, as the Captain rest his other hand palm flat on Bucky’s back as his bare chest took even and measured breaths, the practiced calm of compliance. Bruce was carefully unwrapping the gauze from Bucky’s shoulder as he studied his patients flat affect and dead eyed stare at a spot on the ground. The Doctor sighed then looked up at Steve who also watched Bucky with a disheartened expression. They shared a look of mutual understanding and then Bruce removed the remaining gauze exposing the freshly healed amputation wound, skin scared but no longer red and inflamed from infection.

“How does this feel Sergeant Barnes?” Bruce asked gently as his gloved fingers carefully examined the nub of healed flesh.

“The sensation of your prob is registering, Nervous system is responding accurately to the applied stimuli, Sir” The Soldier responded with a flat, even tone. Steve swallowed and looked up at Bruce who nodded and stepped around to face his patient removing his gloves before speaking calmly to the Asset.

“Bucky,… look at me please.” Bruce stated with as much authority as he could muster, attempting to use some of Sam’s suggestions on how the team could help disrupt Hydra’s programming and let Bucky break free through his conditioned compliance.

Slowly The Winter Soldier rose his eyes up to meet the Doctor who ordered his visual compliance.

“When do you want us to put on your new arm?” Banner asked gently as he saw the slight frown grow on his patient’s face, confusion growing as he contemplated the Doctors question.

“Sir?” The Asset asked with a hesitant voice, low and cautious.

“Bucky,… It’s your choice,… You make the decision whenever you are ready for us to attach your new prosthetic arm.” Banner explained and the Soldier blinked as he pouted in confusion and looked over at his Steve for assistance as to what the acceptable response should be.

“Stark has the new arm built Bucky,… and if you are ready,… then Bruce will give you a sedative and let you go to sleep and when you wake up, you will have a new arm.” Steve offered with a nod and soft smile.

“I… I…” The Soldier swallowed and blinked as shook his head for a moment and then his shoulders settled and he let out a breath, eyes refocusing on his Steve.

“I want to see it.” Bucky stated almost defiantly, with a determined look in his eyes that Steve recognized and brought a fond smile to his own unsure expression.

“Of course,… We can take a look at it whenever you want Bucky… Stark is in his lab right now if you’re ready?” Steve asked with an encouraging nod. Bucky nodded slowly but then began shaking his head instead as he looked away in thought.

“No, I want to take a hot shower first,… And eat blue berry pancakes,… with vanilla ice cream, extra cinnamon sugar.” Bucky then began nodding again and his gaze traveled back up to Steve who was grinning wide with laughter in his eyes.

“You want a New Day stack of flap jacks?” Steve asked with humor as Bruce gave him an inquisitive look.

“It’s a new dawn for a new day Stevie Boy… A new arm is just as much reason to celebrate as New Years!” Bucky offer a sly smile and had for a moment a spark of his old charisma before he ducked his head and his smile turned shy.

“Your right Bucky!” Steve agreed with a fond smile as he stroked his friend’s hair and then turned toward Bruce. “Every New year’s eve growing up we would spend the night at Bucky’s apartment, see the fireworks, then have fruit flap jacks in the morning with vanilla ice cream and cinnamon sugar. Bucky’s ma called it New Day Flap Jacks because each day was a new chance to be a better person and New Years Eve was a celebration of making the most of each New Day.” Steve shrugged as Bruce smiled and nodded. 

“Each year a different family member got to chose what type of fruit we ate... I always wanted Apple,…….” Steve offered and Bucky looked up suddenly with excitement at his new memories. 

“And Katie always wanted Strawberry,… My pops wanted,… Bananas,… Ma wanted Blueblue berry,…” Bucky’s smile was beaming brighter than it had since first arriving at the Avenger’s tower almost three months ago. “Just like me!” Bucky looked up at Steve as the Captain nodded and grinned back at his friend. 

“She always said she loved Blue berries and ate so many of em’ when she was pregnant with you that your eyes turned blue.” Steve chuckled and Bucky nodded as that additional information brought a sense of remembrance that seemed to match the colorful quilt of memories from his life before Hydra. 

The former Asset felt more whole and surer of himself then he had ever imaged he could after spending a life time as a fragmented shell filled with mission assignments and orders that got erased just as soon as he even began to develop any sense of self. Bucky was grinning and looking down as he let the warmth of the memories wrap around him like a blanket. 

“That sounds really tasty!... But I am more of a French toast kinda guy myself.” Stark’s voice filtered into the room as a screen popped up on a wall near by showing the mechanic in his lab fiddling with some technology.

“Tony were you just listening in on Doctor patient communication!” Banner gripped at the screen. Stark didn’t bother looking up as he worked.

“Relax Banner I told Jarvis to patch me in whenever you were talking about the arm with Barnes and Rodgers so I would know when I need to switch from martinis to coffee.” He jumped back as sparks suddenly erupted, muttering a curse as he took off his googles.

“Tony! You agreed to professional medical ethics,… I told you that was the only way I would agree to work with you on this surgical procedure.” As Bruce said the words Steve saw Bucky tense up fractional at the clinical terms. 

Steve rubbed his friend’s back as Bruce looked at Bucky and saw the slight anxiety setting in. It had been one of many recommendations from the Psychiatric medical staff to limit the technical, medical terminology spoken around Bucky to avoid triggering negative memories of past medical experimentation and treatment. 

“Bucky?” Steve attempted to redirect him from his more negative thoughts. “Do you have any questions for Tony?” Steve prompted and Bucky looked down for a moment and then back up at Stark’s open expression on the screen.

“Dose it have a red Star on it?” He asked with a pensive expression.

“Ughhh,… nope,… You want me to tat it up with some fun designs there wild child?” Tony opened his arms as a sign of invitation and Bucky shook his head before speaking in a strong, deceive tone.

“No Sir,… just one design.” Bucky looked back up at Steve with a serious, intense expression. “Captain Rodger’s shield,….. I am his Bucky!” Steve smiled and stroked Bucky’s hair before kissing the top of his head. 

Stark rolled his eyes and made some jokes about Grandpa romance before he told them to come by the work shop for 2:30 pm. He then requested Jarvis alert the kitchen staff to make a stack of Blueberry pancakes with vanilla ice cream and cinnamon sugar for each and every employee and resident currently in the tower with the instructions to have the plates delivered to their exact locations. Jarvis informed him that Mr. Wilson was in the pool, Ms. Romenof was in the gym and Mr. Barton was in the shooting range. In response Tony gave a thumbs up and Jarvis made the arrangements as Steve and Banner shared humorous shrugs before Steve again looked down at Bucky who was gazing up at him with complete devotion and trust, flesh hand folding fast to his Steve.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
Bucky was completely naked, standing just outside the large multiple spray shower, eyes locked with Steve who stood a few feet away in his boxer briefs. There was a stretch of silence, a moment of uncertainty and anticipation as the Captain internally wrestled with what he should or should not do and how it might affect Bucky’s recovery. After another moment of deliberation, Steve removed his underwear and then stood up strait, remaining 6 feet away from Bucky, letting his friend decide what would happen next. Bucky’s eyes traveled over Steve’s body, down below his waist and Steve fought the urge to cover himself up, wondering if this exposed feeling was how Bucky had felt over the past few months whenever he was naked and Steve wore clothes. As if sensing his discomfort Bucky looked back up at Steve and offered him a soft smile and then extended his hand, an invitation for Steve to move closer. With a nervous breath and a nod, The Captain took a few steps forward until he was close enough for Bucky’s hand to rest on his shoulder.

“It’s okay Stevie,… I won’t hurt you.” Bucky promised with an earnest expression and Steve huffed a small laugh and nodded as he followed Bucky into the warm shower. As they stood under the spray Steve got the washcloth and soap, trying to remind himself that this was just another step in the right direction and he didn’t need to overthink anything. Before he could begin washing Bucky’s chest, his friend gently reached up and took the soapy cloth and with silent communication and a steady nod he began washing Steve instead, his eyes tracking the movements of his hand as he ran the wash cloth along Steve’s broad shoulders and over his pectoral muscles. Steve stood still as a statue with bated breath, an onslaught of conflicting emotions battling for his attention but his focus was on Bucky, watching his face, making sure there were no signs of distress or unwanted memories triggered. 

Bucky continued to wash his Steve feeling the heat wave of lust building in his groin and when he brought the cloth lower he could see that both their bodies were responding to arousal. Bucky used the cloth to wash Steve’s stiffening erection and heard a sharp gasp from the other man, drawing his attention up to the Captain’s wide blue eyes that looked shocked, but not afraid. Bucky took a step closer and whispered to Steve as his hand continued to stroke him with the washcloth.

“I’ve had dreams about this,… after you gave me a bath… Your hands felt so good Steve,… I can make you feel good too.” Bucky stepped forward and almost shyly he brought his lips up to Steve’s check, and gave the softest kiss before timidly meeting his eyes to see if his action was acceptable. Steve swallowed and offered a nervous smile as he brought his hands up to stroked through Bucky’s long wet hair.

“Whatever you want from me Bucky,… I’m yours!” Steve promised and with a slow and carful movement he brought his lips to his friends mouth and gave him a soft, compassionate kiss. Bucky’s heart stopped and his conscious thoughts froze before suddenly racing full force, a thousand images flashing through his mind’s eye. The sensation was everything he had needed and forgotten, triggering a burst of memories and feelings that exploded within his head like fireworks. Steve had to steady him as Bucky’s knees buckled and he sunk to the shower floor with a gasp, hand gripping his hair.

“Bucky?” Steve asked in concern as he crouched down in the shower lowering his friend who was shaking and blinking rapidly, blue eyes large and on the ground as his breath became rapid.

“Buck,… It’s okay,…” Steve felt a surge of panic as he sat down in the shower with Bucky gasping on his knees, hair clutched tight in his hand and body shaking with tremors.

“Bucky…” Steve’s voice was a plea as his own anxiety and fear that he may trigger memories of abuse and pushed his friend too far too fast cramped his gut with guilt. But just as Steve was about to stand up and turn off the water, Bucky released the grip on his hair as he reached out to grab Steve’s shoulder, pulling himself toward the blond man as he let out a broken sob, curling in toward his strong and sturdy embrace.

“I remember,… I remember us…” Bucky looked up at Steve with large wet eyes that held amazement and desperate need, hungry and intense but not afraid. Steve was awestruck and used both hands to cradle Bucky’s face as he sighed in relief and grinned at his friend’s open expression.

“You and me Bucky,… Its always been you and me pal.” Steve felt his own heart hammering in his chest as Bucky leaned forward with intent and brought his lips back up to Steve’s, kissing him with passion as he let his body do what felt natural, mind racing with a slide show of his life, of a secret love he knew without any doubt and felt more sure of then anything he had learned about since breaking free from Hydra. Steve held on and kissed him back, tears escaping from his own closed eyes as he clung to the man in his arms, his own conflicted thoughts and uncertainty shoved aside as he focused on the here and now, on the taste of Bucky’s mouth and the needy whimpers he was uttering as he pressed himself against Steve’s body, shaking with adrenalin and dizzy with desire. 

Everything was so much, too much and when Bucky pulled away he let out another sob and dropped his forehead on Steve’s chest as he cried, the Captain holding him protectively as he whispered reassurances and comfort. They stayed huddled together under the warm spray until Jarvis informed them that their New Day Flapjacks were ready to be served.  
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Bucky had been quiet and distracted as Steve dried him and helped him dress, asking him questions and getting only vage nods or shrugs with minimal eye contact. As they sat and ate breakfast together Bucky looked young and innocent, closing his eyes with each bite and making a face that almost looked like pain. Steve watched him with concern until finally he stood up from his side of the table and came over to Bucky, kneeling by his chair and taking his hand, waiting for Bucky to meet his gaze with his large blue eyes that held back a storm of emotions.

“Bucky,… What’s wrong?... What are you thinking?” Steve pleaded as he searched his friend’s conflicted expression. Bucky opened his mouth but then shook his head and looked away, closing his eyes as he took a steading breath.

“There’s so much Steve,… I don’t know how,… I… I can’t.” Bucky whispered as he shook his head, eyes turning back toward the pancakes as he let out a shuddered breath.

“What can’t you do Bucky?... Let me help?” Steve asked and as an answer Bucky took back his hand from Steve’s grasp and cradled the side of his Steve’s face, offering a small smile.

“Steve,… you are helping me,… it’s just,…all these memories,… I finally,…. I finally feel,…..” Bucky looked away as he struggled with his words. He turned back to Steve and lowered his head until his forehead was resting on top of Steve’s head, something he had done in the past when Steve was shorter then him but was offering strength and support. Steve brought his hands up and stroked through Bucky’s hair as they shared the same air, letting Bucky take his time and keeping his own mouth shut. The past two hours had been a roller costar of emotions for both of them and he was afraid that he had let things go too far in the shower but he was trying to let Bucky express his own thoughts instead of assuming what he needed.

“It’s like I am just starting to understand,… who,….who I am and what,… what happened,… what they did to me,… “ He pulled back, blue eyes full of emotions but no longer lost or confused, just overwhelmed. 

“I know you Steve,…. But I am still figuring out me,… and I don’t understand everything about….” He swallowed and looked away before meeting Steve’s honest and patient expression, his lips curving into a small, sad smile as he stroked Steve’s face again. “I remember,… I remember a lot of things about us from before the war and,… during it,… But I’m not sure I understand it,…” He sighed and Steve swallowed down his own silent dread that he had coerced his friend into intimacy before he was ready. Steve shifted back slightly and looked away as a sense of panic gipped his heart and guilt turned in his stomach. Bucky watched him for a moment and then quickly shook his head and leaned down again, offering a kiss on Steve’s hair line, the same way the Captain had been doing each time he felt the impulse to comfort and sooth the Soldier’s suffering.

“Please,… Please don’t pull away now,…” Bucky pleaded, his hand reaching out to grab Steve’s bicep as he let out a humorless huff and gestured at the pancakes with his head. “It’s just like these New Day Flap jacks,… they are so good,… it brings back so many memories,…just like,… When you kissed me.” He whispered the words and smiled as he brought his hand up again to stroked along Steve’s jaw line, thumb tracing over Steve’s lips as the Captain kept his focus on Bucky, watching him intently. 

“I want it,… God Steve,… They have me so messed up… I didn’t even remember what it was to want until you brought me here,… it’s just,… It’s a lot and,… I... I am trying Punk,… I want to be me again Stevie,…” Bucky was shaking his head as he brought his hand up to rub his eyes. “ I’m sorry Steve,… it’s just so damn exhausting,…trying to figure out how to feel and think and act,… As the Soldier all I had to do was comply and follow orders.” Bucky huffed again and turned toward his Steve with a look of wary determination. “I will be good for you Steve,… I want to be good for you,… I want to deserve your love.”

It was Steve’s turn to shake his head and he stood up on his feet and pulled Bucky up out of his chair with him. Steve placed a hand on each side of Bucky’s face and Bucky again grabbed Steve’s bi-cep, eyes heavy as he met the Captain’s eyes with a gaze that looked more tired than he had since the surgery to remove the broken arm over a week ago.

“You deserve everything Bucky… You are so good,… always have been… And I have always loved you,… but we never talked about it,… I never said it out loud… You are my best friend James Buchannan Barnes,... and I am so proud of how hard you are trying to recover,… but even if you don’t remember or understand,… I promise I will never pull away,… I will be with you no matter what…. But you gotta promise me something Buck…..” Steve searched Bucky’s tired eyes, aware how exhausting it was when his mind was triggered into remembering a mass amount of memories.

“Anything Steve.” Bucky agreed, already shifting his wait as the last of his adrenaline from the shower seemed to be completely drained.

“If you ever get confused or something feels bad, or scary, or you don’t understand,…if,… if you need space or I am touching you and you want me to stop…” Steve swallowed and Bucky smiled sleepily at him.

“I promise Steve,….I promise I will always come to you,…if you’ll have me….” Bucky added sheepishly and Steve pulled him into a desperate hug, and kissed him on his temple and cheek before leading him back into the private bedrooms for a late morning nap, recognizing that even if Bucky was more himself then he had been all the months since Hydra, he might still wake up in a few hours and function as the Winter Soldier, complying with his Handler. Steve knew this and knew that no matter what he would be there to help his friend remember who he was and why he needed to break free from Hydra’s control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes: Soooo…. What do ya think?... Bucky is finally remembering himself and his relationship with Steve but it is more then he knows what to do with. And Steve,… he is a mess of wanting to do what’s right but also wanting to be with the man he loves. Nothing is simple and it’s about to get more complex.


	19. Don't let them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s note: For every step forward in recovery there will be set backs and Bucky is far from stable.

Stark was on his back under a custom-built engine he was working on when Jarvis announced that Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rodgers had arrived. He rolled out from under the machine and saw Steve standing on the other side of his lab-garage-workspace holding hands with the former Winter Soldier who was looking around wide eyed at the various half constructed projects.

“Well, Hello boys!... Welcome to my happy place!” Tony beamed and then walked toward them and clapped his hands together. He paused momentarily when he saw Bucky flinch at the sound and move closer to Steve, dropping his eyes down to the floor. Steve looked over at his friend with a small sigh then back up to Stark who cocked an eyebrow.

“Been a rough morning?.... Kinda thought the blue berry pancakes were gonna make things a bit less stressful.” Tony asked as he glanced from Steve to Bucky who remained silent but with slightly elevated breathing through his noise jaw locked. Steve watched Bucky then looked back at Tony with a shrug.

“It’s been a little draining for him,… His memories from before Hydra are coming back faster than before and that’s good,…But I think it’s just a lot for him to deal with right now. “ Steve answered and Bucky nodded in agreement, glancing for a moment toward Stark then away again, hand squeezing Steve’s as he swallowed.

“Mmmmkkk… Well we don’t have to do the arm thing right now if you don’t want to Barns.” Tony offered and instantly Bucky’s head shot up and he shook his head frantically taking a few steps forward quickly. Stark jumped back and Steve placed his free hand in the center of Bucky’s chest to stop him from advancing forward.

“NO!... No please,… Mr. Stark,… Sir,...please,…I need to have another arm,… I need to be mission ready!” Bucky blurted with a pleading tone, eyes wide and full of fear, hunted by the fragments of the nightmare Steve had woken him from less than an hour ago.

“Bucky,…Hey,… you don’t have to be mission ready Pal,…” Steve tried to remind him but Bucky shook his head again.

“Captain, Hydra will come for us,… I cannot provide sufficient defensive cover without a prosthetic limb Sir… My combat skills have been compromised!” Bucky insisted as he looked back at Stark. “Sir I am ready to comply with mantaince.

His voice was sure and strong like Bucky of old but the words spoken were from the Winter Soilder. Steve turned his body to face Bucky fully and brought their held hands up to his mouth with a gentle kiss on his friend’s knuckles.

“Bucky, Is this because of the nightmare you just had?... Is that why you woke up asking for your arm?” Steve asked gently and Bucky let out a shuddered sigh and nodded.

“It was a memory I think,… but then it became a nightmare… I only had one arm and,… they made me watch,… they put you in the chair Steve. “ Bucky whispered, eyes large and desperate. Steve nodded in understanding and ran his free hand through Bucky’s hair, his other hand still held tightly in his friend’s grip.

“Okay Bucky,… But try to remember that we are safe here,… there is no chair,… There is no Hydra,… only us,… You, me and the other Avengers... Our teammates will help keep us safe.” Steve spoke with calm authority and Bucky looked from him over to Stark with an uncertain glance before reluctantly nodding and dropping his eyes back to the floor.

“I still want to see the arm Steve.” Bucky’s voice was mumbled, and his lips pouted as if he had been chastised.

“Of course Buck,… it’s your choice,… remember?” Steve asked softly, before stepping forward to embrace his friend and whisper in his ear. “I’m right here with you Buck,… we got this Pal.” Steve kissed his forehead and pulled away, waiting for Bucky’s nod of conformation.

Stark watched the exchange with interest, keeping his mouth shut as he recognized how difficult it had to be for both Steve and Bucky to navigate his fluctuating mood swings and mental states while becoming reacquainted with his own humanity and their obvious devotion and love for each other. He was considering this, looking over at a picture of Pepper on his desk when he heard Steve clear his throat. Upon looking up he recognized that Steve was watching him with concern and Bucky with suspicion from Behind the Captain’s shoulder.

“Okay,… Lets get to it shall we gentlemen.” Stark abruptly stood up and snapping his fingers and slapping his hands again as he turned away, taking a deep breath as he walked over to the far side of the room that looked more like a medical lab then the a mechanic shop. There was a long black case on a white table with nothing else on it unlike the cluttered surfaces of the tables on the other side. Steve walked up behind Tony with Bucky holding his hand tight, forcing his breaths to remain even and calm. Steve could feel how anxious Bucky was and could also tell that his friend was trying to tap into the Winter Soldier’s complacent calm. The Captain came to a stop a few feet away and looked back at Bucky who had both Icy blue eyes locked on the case as if it was a bomb.

“You ready Buck?” Steve whispered and he received a jerky nod immediately from the silent figure squeezing his hand hard enough to bruise the bones. Steve turned back forward and gave his own nod. Tony blew out a dramatic breath as he reached for the locks on the case.

“Jarvis have Mock 32 on standby please and thank you.” Tony muttered and received a cocked eyebrow from Steve. “Just in case Capsical!” Tony huffed and then opened the case that emanated a glowing blue light and a high pitched beeping. Instantly Steve was yanked backwards as Bucky used his body to Shield him from the light and whatever else might be coming from the case.

“It’s okay guys,….” Stark put up one hand to placate the intense Winter Soldier glare that was menacing at the least bordering on lethal. “It’s just a security measure taken by the Wakandans. A sequence of codes only activated when the case is opened and set to self-destruct within 25 seconds if not entered in a timely manner.” Stark spoke as he hastily punched the codes into a device connected to the metal arm. The beeping stopped and the glowing blue light dimed. 

Bucky took a few cautious steps forward, guard up as he scanned the metal prosthetic with a scrutinizing look. Steve was right behind him, watching both Bucky’s reaction as well as Stark’s as the mechanic took several steps back when Bucky got closer, hands on his hips, equally focused on the former Winter Soldier and his reaction to the High-Tec prosthetic. Bucky froze as he watched the blue light dim before spreading through the plates of the arm, each level fluctuating and realigning before clicking into place. He jumped back when the light ran through the elbow joint and the arm flexed before spreading to the wrist and fingers that all moved of their own accord.

“Yea,… that is pretty freaky looking.” Tony agreed as he nodded from the other side of the table having come around to get a better look. Bucky was breathing hard, heart racing and Steve stepped up next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders in support.

“Stark,… What is it doing?” The Captain demanded as Tony hovered over the moving prosthetic, marveling at the flexibility of each individual joint.

“Wow,… I had heard about her work and I read over the plans of design but Man!... To see it in the flesh or… rather the vibranium,….it is definitely something!” Tony was impressed and the excitement carried in his voice. Bucky looked at the Technician and his stomach cramped. He knew from experience that when the lab coats got excited, he was in for something horrible. His hearing was fading in and out, the sound of his heart beating louder in his ears as he watched the living metal twist and contort, flexing in unnatural ways and blinking robotically.

“Stark!...What are you talking about?... Who made this arm?” Steve’s tone was serious, and his protective grip tightened around Bucky who had grown completely ridged, body tensed.

“The kid sister of his majesty the King of Wakanda. I believe the Princess’s name is Suri and up till now she has been a genius on the down low much like the rest of her mineral rich country… I had thought The Wakandans were just making a gesture of good faith when they agreed to donate some vibrainum for the initial design,… But,… apparently her highness has a soft spot for prisoners of war and amputees,… so she offered to build the thing herself and sent me the blue prints so I could up grade and customize it as needed… Pretty freakin’ sweet right Bucko?” Tony exclaimed as he turned his attention back to Bucky who was starting to take steps back, prying himself away from Steve’s tightened grip as he kept his eyes locked on the prosthetic limb.

“Bucky,… hey…” Steve spoke low and calm reaching for his friend who jerked away as he began shaking his head as he continued to step backwards.

“No.” He whispered, his voice coming out as harsh breath.

“Buck,… look at me,…” Steve moved to stand Infront of his friend, arms stretched out as behind him Stark turned the case around so the moving arm was no longer visible.

“No,… Please,…I don’t want it,…I don’t…. please…” Bucky was shaking and as he stepped back further he crashed back into another work bench, knocking into some of the computers that instantly projected a three dimensional life size model of himself and next to it a version with only muscles and no skin and then a Skelton. A female voice began to explain the process of attaching the arm and Bucky jerked away before screaming in a sudden rage and shoving the entire bench toward Steve who was closing in. The Captain braced for the impact last second but was thrown back and pined between the heavy desk and the other table where Stark had ducked under just in time as several heavy pieces of tech and computers became projectiles that rained down around him.

The Sergeant ran from the room in sheer panic, desperate to escape as behind him he could here men yelling. Steve called out to him before wincing, his newly healed ribs from the other night breaking again and adding a few more. He grunted as he pushed the heavy bench back and ducked down to check on Tony who returned a shocked look before nodding that he was alright. Steve nodded back and was up running despite the pain.

“Jarvis lock down this floor and inform the other Avengers.” Steve barked as he raced down the corridor.

Captain Rodgers, Sergeant Barnes is already in the stair well and is jumping from the banisters in quick succession, he will be at ground level within 6 minutes if he continues at his current pace.

Steve busted through the doors of the emergency stair well and looked down at the quickly vanishing figure of his one armed friend leaping back and forth already ten floors down. Steve grit his teeth and jumped, falling several floors before he grabbed on to a banister and cried out in pain as the force dislocated his shoulder. The sound of his cry and his body slamming against the cement caught Bucky’s attention and as he looked up he saw a man hanging from the railing two stories up. Bucky blinked rapidly and he suddenly recognized Steve, all other thoughts of fear and escaping instantly vanishing as he swung himself over the balcony and ran up the steps two at a time before he reached the floor where Steve’s body hung down. Without a moment’s hesitation Bucky reached out for Steve taking his other hand and pulled him up and over the railing, both men falling onto the ground as Bucky hastily checked Steve for injuries, tears welling up in his eyes as he repeated over and over again.

“I won’t let you fall, I can’t let you fall, your my mission, You can’t die, you can’t!” Bucky was still hyperventilating as he lifted Steve’s shirt and saw the discoloration begin over the broken ribs and then quickly moved to Steve’s shoulder that he snapped back into place inspiring a hiss of pain from Steve.

“I’m sorry, m’sorry,m’sorry, m’sorry…” Bucky chanted as he moved to cradle Steve’s head, tears tracking down his face as he looked at Steve with absolute fear and desperation.

“Bucky,…” Steve reached up to hold his check.

“Steve we got to go,…. We got to get out of here,… there tryin’ to turn me into some kind of killer robot for Hydra.” Bucky looked around and up as the door above them opened and a man and woman appeared, each armed with a dart gun.

“NO!” Bucky shouted and covered Steve with his body as Hawkeye and the Black widow each landed a tranquilizer dart on either side of neck. Bucky hastily pulled them out and looked at the darts before his vision began to swim. He looked down at Steve with a broken sob shaking his head.

“Don’t let them make me a robot Stevie,… Don’t let Hydra get me again….Pleassssseee.” His last word was a slurred whimper before he fell unconscious on top of his Steve, who shifted to sit up and cradle the man he loved with a raged sighed through the cracked ribs.

“Are you injured?” Hawkeye asked as he landed on the railing from above, Natasha right behind him. Steve let out another sigh and shook his head.

“M’fine,…ribs and shoulder,… They’ll heal.” Steve sighed again wiping Bucky’s hair from his face before looking up at his teammates with a defeated expression. Natasha knelt down and put a hand on Steve’s shoulder as the door behind them opened with Banner and Sam alert and ready. They stopped and looked down at the others, their own postures relaxing.

“This is my fault.” Steve said simply, looking directly at Sam and then back down at Bucky.

“Steve….. don’t do that to your self man!” Sam sighed before Stark appeared in an Ironman suite from 14 floors up, descending down to their level.

“Oh hey gang,… Party in the stairwell?” His face mask opened as he landed next to Bruce and looked down at the one arm man who just destroyed some of his lab equipment.

“Geezz,… This is why I had to start my own insurance company!” Tony gestured toward the unconscious super soldier, then looked up at the others. “Okay,… it was Pepper’s idea,… After the whole invasion of New York thing… But ya know,… So anyhoo,… lets get the Winter wrecking ball back to his secured floor and then debrief over finger sandwiches and pims cups in the common room on the 75th floor,… I missed lunch!” With that his helmet closed and he took off. The others exchanged looks and Steve stared down at Bucky with another long sigh.

“I’m sorry Bucky,… I’m so sorry pal.” Steve whispered, knowing that he was to blame for overwhelming Bucky and pushing him too far too fast. He knew he would have to tell them all, had to explain so they wouldn’t think it was just Bucky acting out violently. He had to make them understand before it was reported to SHEILD.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Gathered upstairs the Avengers all sat in silence, exchanging glances to one another after they watched the security footage of Bucky lashing out in the lab and throwing the work bench at Steve and Tony before running. Sam was the first one to speak his tone irritated and accusatory. 

“Stark what the hell were you thinking?... Why would you show him the arm like that?... Hell I would have freaked out if you showed me that thing!” Sam huffed.

“Well Mr. Wilson I didn’t know it was going to move around like that,… I was just instructed to only open the case when Barnes was ready for the procedure because it has an organic energy compound that activates the inner mechanisms mimicking the nervous system so it can bond with his own cellular tissues and neural connections to mimic his genetic make. That badass piece of mechanical art will actually respond just as if it had grown from Barnes’s own body biologically. The organic energy matter is some kind of botanical derivative and only has a regenerative life span of 12 hours from initial activation.” Stark explained as he placed olives in his martini.

“Did you tell them that before you opened the case Tony?” Banner asked with an exacerbated tone.

“Ugh,…. No, because Terminator was already on edge and was very insistent that he needed a new arm right away in order to protect Spangles from Hydra….And I am not the one who gave him medical clearance to come rampaging through my Happy place Banner…Plus you know I am not good with explaining technology to the old folks, that’s why Friday created that nifty instructional video so the Sargeant would know and understand the arm before we attached it.” Stark spoke defensively with his arms crossed. 

“Well then why didn’t you show him the video first before activating the arm?” Natasha questioned and Tony rolled his eyes.

“Ya know,… these are all just great suggestions after the fact,… but the point is that man is mentally unstable and a risk to himself and the rest of us!.... Why should we even be giving him another advanced prosthetic,….. That metal arm is like giving a grenade launcher to a schizophrenic!” Stark spat in frustration. The room got louder as they began to argue but Steve remained quietly sitting in a chair with his arms crossed and eyes on the silent replay of Bucky backing away and saying no. After a moment he stood up and walked over to the window as he shook his head. The others took note and directed their attention as Steve sighed again.

“It wasn’t Stark’s fault,... Or Bucky’s… it was mine.” Steve swallowed and looked down as he pressed his forehead against the pain of glass.

“Steve,… common we have talked about this guilt you have been carrying around man…. It doesn’t help Bucky and it sure as hell doesn’t do anything good for your mental health either.” Sam challenged as he walked toward the Captain who turned around as he rubbed his eyes before leaning back against the glass, again crossing his arms as he made eye contact with the others before looking directly at Sam.

“I messed up,… I pushed him too far too fast,… he was feeling overwhelmed by new memories. He wasn’t in the right head space,… I should have told him to wait.” Steve shook his head and swallowed.

“Steve,… you can’t control how his mind repairs itself or what memories come back and when.” Natasha stated with a gentle tone.

“No,… But if he was still functioning as the Winter Soldier instead of trying to break through the programing then he would have been calm and accepted mantaince.” Steve spoke the words with contempt.

“Well we don’t know that for sure Cap. He might have been locked in the programing and unable to see you as an ally when he was trying to escape. He could have turned violent anyway and been a lot harder to take down.” Clint offered and Steve swallowed before he looked up.

“The Winter Soldier is not violent unless he has orders or a mission to follow… And Bucky isn’t violent unless he’s scared… If he feels out of control,… then he feels scared,… I triggered him this morning and he told me he was struggling... He was so exhausted, I told him to sleep for a bit and he had a nightmare. He felt like he needed the arm immediately because he didn’t feel safe,… and because he was beginning to remember us,... What,… what we were to each other.” Steve’s voice was strained with guilt and self hatred.

“Steve what do you mean you triggered him?” Sam asked with a cautious tone and Steve hung his head before he looked up and nodded.

“I kiss him,… in the shower this morning,… and he broke down,… It was too much for him.” Steve explained and his confession sent silent shock through the room.

“You kissed him,… like,… On the lips?... And in the shower Steve?... Why the hell where you taking a shower with him in the first place!” Sam asked as his shock wore off and his clinical judgment took over.

“This past week,… he’s been clinging to me,… and he wanted me to be in there,…. It’s hard with one arm to reach everywhere and…. And to wash his hair.” Steve’s reasoning sounded lame to himself as Sam began pacing and Banner just dropped into a seat in stunned silence.

“STEVE,…. Man, you know he can’t give informed consent yet. He doesn’t even understand how to refuse anything you do to him or ask him for.” Sam was bewildered and disappointed in Steve and the Captain’s shoulders slumped further.

“I didn’t ask him to do anything,…I just,… I didn’t want to say no when he needed me with him…I… I wasn’t trying to,… he wanted…”Steve tried to explain but the words died on his tongue as he shook his head again.

“Steve it doesn’t matter if he got naked and jumped on your lap man,… he is not making choices as Bucky Barnes,… he is still trying to get some sense of self autonomy and instead he has grown even more dependent on you!” Sam spoke with frustration as he glared at Steve. “Man, this is why I said it wasn’t a good idea to let him sleep in your bed Steve!” The Captain nodded as he turned away and ran his hands through his hair.

“I know,… God I know,…I just,… I didn’t mean for it to happen Sam I swear,… he said,… He wanted it,… he wants to be Bucky again,… And he remembered us…..” Steve turned back toward them with a shattered expression. “I’ve missed him so much,… and he,… he promised he would tell me to stop if anything happened….” Steve cut himself off and looked away again when Sam gave him a poignant look.

“Oh he said he would tell you to stop,… well what if he has a flash back and forgets where he is or who you are,…. What if he gets trapped in the programming and is forced to comply, forced to obey his handler!” Sam’s voice was cutting and Steve pressed his forehead to the glass as he squeezed his eyes shut, sickened by the very thought that Bucky would let Steve do whatever he liked even if it hurt him. Rumlow’s taunting jeers replayed in his head and he growled in frustration.

“Damit I am trying to help him Sam,… I didn’t mean for it to happen,… God I make the same mistakes over and over!” Steve groaned as he thought about the time when they were young men just out of Highschool and he took things too far with Bucky then, almost loosing his best friend all those years ago. He should have put a stop to it, he should have refused to expose himself and he should have never allowed the shower routine to involve him at all.

“Steve,… You are helping him.” Natasha spoke gently as she came to stand behind him. “But if you don’t take a step back and let him figure things out for himself,… then you will never know what he actually remembers,… or how he really feels about you now. “Natasha offered and Steve turned back with a heavy sigh and nod. The Captain looked up at her with wet eyes then over to Sam who gave him a shrug then walked over and slapped him on the back.

“Common Man,…. We can’t go back and change anything now,… but we need to figure out how to help him understand the importance of getting the arm attached sooner then later,… while also trying to encourage self-agency.” Sam shook his head and looked up at the others. “I am open for suggestions team.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End notes: So Just to be clear, I don’t think Steve did anything wrong. Nothing about this is simple or black and white. Sam, as a mental health professional is always going to focus on Bucky’s mental and emotional stability and that is how he views if the POW is ready for sexual intimacy. Steve is trying to be supportive and follow Bucky’s lead, but Bucky is so confused himself right now that he is not the best judge of what he wants or needs and possible problems with consent and self-agency. The other Avengers are going to be supportive but also still see the recovering man as the Winter Soldier not as Bucky, they have not seen him break through the same way Steve has.


	20. Side by Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s note: Bucky’s mind is still healing and he has trouble knowing who he is and were sometimes but Steve is his anchor. With Steve’s love he will continue to heal. (I am updating as much as I can because I am off work. Still a few more Chapters to go.)

The man opened his heavy eyes, feeling drowsy and confused, hearing muffled and eyesight blurry. He swallowed, throat dry and tried to shift up, realizing suddenly his left arm was missing. He let out a chocked cry of distress as he struggled to blink open his eyes and looked down at his body, expecting to find himself naked on the cold, steal surgical table the men in white jackets had strapped him to. Instead he was wearing soft cotton cloths and he was not restrained. A figure came close, hovering to his right and he jerked away, bringing up his only arm up to defend his head as he growled out in Russian, voice stained but still menacing even as he cowered defensively.

“Я никогда не буду подчиняться!” (I will never comply!) He didn’t know who he was or how he came to be their one armed experiment but he did know that they wanted him to comply and for some reason, a sense of burning defiance was all that he had left and so he clung to it.

“Jarvis can you translate please?” Steve’s voice was heavy with emotion as he took a few steps away from his frightened friend, looking back over his shoulder at Bruce and Sam who stood on the other side of the room with a few medical staff. Clint was on standby with a trank dart, position in the other far corner perched on top of a desk.

Yes Captain Rodgers, He said ‘I will never Comply.’

Steve nodded and let out a breath.

“Bucky?... Can you hear me?” Steve asked with a gental tone, remaining several feet away. He waited as Bucky remained curled protectively on his left side, right arm still shielding his head, breathing fast and loud. He did not respond and so Steve spoke again but this time he used Sam’s suggestion, and tried to help his friend come back from his psychotic state by throwing him a life line that he could catch and hold onto.

“Jarvis, Play Side by Side,… the Lee Morse version.” Steve swallowed as he waited anxiously to see if the familiar song would calm Bucky and help him recognize Steve. Lee Morse was a favorit singer of Winfread Barnes and Bucky had loved this song the most. He sang it often in their youth and as a young man, sometimes loud and drunk in their brooklyn apartment and then soft and mumbled, whispered or hummed in the dark of their shared tent during the war. Over the speaker, the crackle of an old 1927 recording began to play, an upbeat guitar melody sounded followed by a deep female voice.

‘See that sun in the morning, Peekin' over the hill, I'll bet you're sure it always has, And sure it always will. That's how I feel about someone, Somebody feels about me, We're sure we love each other, And that's the way we'll always be.’

Bucky, lowered his arm slightly and peered up through his curtain of hair toward Steve, blinking as a confused look replaced the menacing scowl.

‘Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money, Maybe we're ragged and funny, But we'll travel along, Singin' a song, side by side.’

Steve offered a small smile and nod, taking a breath as he watched Bucky slowly use his one arm to help himself sit up, eyes locked on Steve the whole time, watching him with caution.

‘Don't know what's comin' tomorrow, Maybe it's trouble and sorrow, But we'll travel along, Singin' a song, side by side.’

Steve remained still, body language open and unthreatening as Bucky turned his body toward Steve, legs hanging over the edge of the bed.

‘Through all kinds of weather, What if the sky should fall, Just long as we're together, It doesn't matter at all.’

Bucky glanced nervously toward Bruce and Sam before his intense gaze shot back to Steve, a pout of uncertainty still masking his face. 

‘When they've all had their quarrels and parted, We'll be the same as we started, Just travelin' along Singin' a song, side by side.’

Steve took a small step forward and Bucky flinched back, eyes scanning over the Captain with a wary gaze, right hand griping the sheets of the bed white knuckled.

‘Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money, Maybe we're ragged and funny. But we'll travel along, Singin' a song, side by side’

Steve offered another smile and held his hand out, palm up, the other loose at his side as he took a few more steps forward. Bucky swallowed and looked at the outstretched hand and then back up into Steve’s kind, blue eyes, forehead crumbled as he tried to understand what was happening. Steve took a breath and sang the next line with a calm, soft tone.

‘Don't know what's comin' tomorrow, Maybe it's trouble and sorrow. But we'll travel the road, Sharin' our load, side by side  
’  
Bucky tilted his head as a look of dawning recollection set in, his own mouth moving to mumble the familiar words of the song.

‘Through all kinds of weather, What if the sky should fall, As long as we're together. It doesn't matter at all’

Steve grinned and nodded taking a final few steps closer until his hand was only a foot away from his friend who released the sheets and carefully placed his hand in Steve’s open palm. Together with eyes locked, Steve sang and Bucky mumbled the final lines of the song that was as much a part of their lives together as Coney island and the Dogers.

‘And if he goes and takes him a notion, To jump and drown in the ocean. It's sink or it's swim, Oh, it's me or it's him, side by side’

The crackle of the old song faded and Bucky’s features relaxed slightly, the lines of stress easing and he let out a shuddered sigh as he closed his eyes. Steve closed distance, right hand gently rubbing over the knuckles of Bucky’s hand as his other stroked through Bucky’s long strains of hair.

“Hey Pal,… Do you know who I am?” The Captain whispered softly, and Bucky opened his eyes and blinked looking up into the familiar face of the one man who he knew even when he knew nothing else.

“Your my Steve.” Bucky answered quietly, blue eyes innocent and vulnerable.

“Yea,… that’s right,… And do you know who you are?” Steve asked with a soft smile and encouraging nod, hand cradling the side of Bucky’s face. 

Bucky bit the side of his lip and looked away, blinking in thought before he swallowed and looked down with a broken sigh and shook his head. Steve felt his chest grow tight and he stepped closer wrapping his arms around Bucky’s back holding him to his chest as he kissed the top of his friends bowed head. 

“That’s okay,…. I will help you remember.” Steve promised, offering the comforting embrace as he felt Bucky’s breathing hitch, a few hot tears soaking into Steve’s gray shirt. The Captain let out his own sigh and looked over his shoulder at Sam and Bruce with a hevey heart and a guilty expression. Sam offered back a half smile and a thumbs up as Bruce gave a nod, letting the Captain know that whatever mistakes he made along the way, his team was there to support him and they would work together to help Bucky heal.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

It was several hours later after Bucky had regained a sense of self awareness, trying to focus on who he was and hold on to the perception of self he had only just begun to grasp. Steve stood nearby with Sam and Natasha at his side as Bruce and Tony explained the mechanics and surgical procedure of attaching the new prosthetic arm to a quiet and intensely focused James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky was standing over the living mechanical appendage that was still moving suddenly of it’s own accord with the blue light shinning through beneath the plates as they flexed.

“So,… this,… plant,… energy,… or whatever,… it’s gonna mix with my own life force?... Like… my soul?” Bucky questioned as he examined the arm with an arched eyebrow, shifting on his feet with his one hand flexing and unflexing with nervous energy at his side.

“Well,… Uh,… yea,… I mean,… I guess if that’s how you want to think about it.” Tony shrugged as he looked over at Bruce and then to the others. It was still somewhat startling and new to have the former Hydra Asset speaking and acting like an actual person. Bucky swallowed as he studied the arm and then looked over his shoulder at Steve and gave a small nervous huff of a laugh as he shook his head.

“I can only imagin what Father McGuilachuty would say about this Steve.” Bucky wiped his mouth with his only hand as Steve took a step forward and lay a hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“I am sure Father McGuilachty would have a lot to say about life now-a-days,… I mean,… Aliens?” Steve smiled as Bucky let out another small huff of laughter and looked back at his best friend, offering his own uneasy smile as Steve rubbed his back.

“I know this is a lot to think about Bucky…” Steve began and Bucky just snorted.

“Everything is a lot Steve,… I just,…” He closed his eyes for a moment and then looked again at the twitching arm before swallowing again and turning all the way around to face Steve, expression serious and intent.

“You think I should do it?... I should let Stark and the Doc attach this,… thing?” Bucky gestured toward the arm with his head, sparing it another glance before he turned away, obviously unsettled by the moving mechanical limb. Steve kept one hand on Bucky’s uninjured shoulder and studied his friend’s expression.

“It’s up to you Bucky,… Whatever you want,…. You don’t have to decide right now if you want a new arm but,… this one will only work if we attach it in the next 3 hours… There are other options though…” Steve offered, searching his friend’s weary expression.

“For the record though this is definitely the best option,.. Just saying.” Stark piped up from the other side of the table and Steve shot him an annoyed glare as Bucky glanced nervously in his direction and then back to Steve. He blinked several times again shifting on his feet as he bit his lip and gave a side ways glance toward the prosthetic arm.

“I,… I don’t,….” Bucky swallowed, his words muttered and nervous, a shuddered breath leaving his lips as his fist continued to clenched and unclenched.  
“I’s okay Buck,… you don’t have to do this,… it’s completely your choice.” Steve promised leaning in and speaking softly with an earnest expression.

“I can’t trust my own mind Stevie,… I need,… I need you to tell me to do this,… If,… If this is what I should do,… I can’t,… I need you to tell me.” Bucky whispered his broken words with eyes that portrayed his humility and shame as well as self-doubt and some frustration, still battling with conflicting thoughts and feelings.   
Steve swallowed and looked over his shoulder at Sam and Natasha who exchanged sympathetic expression, The Widow placing her hands on her hips as the Falcon rubbed the back of his neck and then took a few steps forward.

“Sergent Barnes,… This has to be your decision, this is your arm,… no one can tell you what you should or should not do.” Sam spoke with a calm and direct tone as Bucky met his eyes and then looked away again, moving closer to Steve, hand coming up to grab Steve’s bicep.

“With,… all do respect Sir,…I don’t,… I don’t really know you,... any of you...” Bucky glanced at the other Avengers and then back toward Steve’s patient and considerate expression.

“I don’t even know myself right now,…and,… the only thing I do know,… is that I trust Steve Rodgers.” Bucky swallowed and his eyes stayed locked with the Captain’s. Steve sighed and nodded, squeezing Bucky’s shoulder.

“What should I do Cap?” Bucky asked with an imploring look, needing Steve to take charge of the situation and trying his best to keep himself together and not revert into the blank compliance of the soldier.

Steve glanced at Sam who just shrugged, letting him know that whatever he encouraged Bucky to do would be his responsibility but the others would stand by him whatever the outcome. The Captain sighed again and looked Bucky in his eyes, offering a small smile.

“I trust my team Bucky,… Tony Stark and Bruce Banner are good men… They have been helping us both. And if they think this arm is the best one,… then I think we should let them attach it.” Steve offered in a calm and even tone. Bucky let out a nervous breath and blinked again rapidly before glancing at the arm, swallowing as he again shifted even closer to Steve who wrapped a protective arm around his friend. Bucky looked away, face crumpling as he squeezed his eyes shut and nodded before resting his head on Steve’s shoulder, body shuddering.

“Yea Stevie,… Lets do it.” His voice held a tremor of fear but was underlined with his conviction and determination. Steve rubbed Bucky’s back and looked up at the others who all nodded, understanding that Bucky was facing one of his most traumatic memories because he trusted Steve even when he was uncertain of anything and everything else. It was a step forward but it left them all feeling just as anxious and uneasy as the two Super Soldiers standing intertwined before them.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Captain stood on the other side of the glass window as he made eye contact with Bucky who was staring at him while hyperventilating into the anesthesia mask that was over his face. Bruce and Tony were working with the other medical staff as they prepared for the surgical procedure of attaching the new prosthetic arm, preforming the operation in a different medical wing that had Stark’s tech on hand. Steve put his hand up on the glass, palm open as he forced himself to smile and nod despite the fear in his best friend’s eyes. Sam was by his side and reminded Steve that Bucky was in good hands as Bruce quietly encouraged Bucky to slow his breathing. It took several minutes of increasing the strength of the anesthesia before Bucky’s large, frightened blue eyes started to droop, blinking shut reluctantly as he fought to maintain eye sight of the Captain despite knowing he had to be asleep before the procedure could begin.

It took almost three hours and even though there was minimal blood, Steve still felt sick and like his heart would explode as his mind replayed images from the Hydra footage of the first metal arm that had been welded into Bucky’s flesh and bones. When they were finally finished and the bandages were secured, Bucky was transported from the surgical room back to his own medical suite where Steve took the seat next to him asking for only the company of some quiet and soothing Jazz from the 1930’s. He watched Bucky begin to stir, his mask of sleep disappearing as his brow crumpled and a small sound of distressed escaped his throat. Steve instantly leaned forward and took Bucky’s flesh hand as he spoke softly.

“Hey Bucky,… It’s okay,… you’r safe.” Steve promised as Bucky let out a harsh gasp, eyes blinking open, confused and obviously frightened.

“I’m right here pal,… I got you Buck… It’s just me….” Steve encouraged as Bucky’s panicked eyes blinked up at him, disoriented and not yet recognizing the face of the man speaking to him. He took in a few harsh breaths, shaking slightly before a look of recollection dawned and then immediately, he let out a sigh of relief.  
“Steve?... Stevie?” Bucky’s voice was small and he squeezed Steve’s hand as he rolled toward him, stopping suddenly as he looked down at his new left arm, eyes growing wide and breathing stopped.

“That’s you new arm Bucky,… Remember?.... Tony and Bruce helped attach it.” Steve spoke with a calm and even tone, attempting to sooth the panic that Bucky was radiating. His friend looked up at Steve with eyes that held a torrent of conflicting emotions and distress before he pushed himself to sit up fully with his flesh arm, eyes large as he studied his new prosthetic. He let out a few harsh breaths threw his noise and he flexed the arm, maneuvering each finger and then his wrist and elbow. The arm was silent as it moved unlike the whirling machine noises of the Hydra arm. It was slimmer and the smooth mental seemed to shift and move like a mental skin rather then plated armor. Slowly Bucky’s breathing began to calm as his alarmed expression shifted to one of pensive focus. He closed his fist, and shut his eyes as he ran his flesh hand over his face and through his hair.

“Hoe does It feel Bucky?... Are you in any pain?” Steve asked softly as he reached out and rubbed circles into his friend’s back. Bucky shook his head but then stopped and looked at Steve, swallowing before he spoke as if reminding himself where he was and who he was with.

“Just,... Only my shoulder,… It’s a little sore,… but it’s not,... Not like before.” He swallowed again and flinched at the memory, flesh hand coming up to rest on his bandaged shoulder joint. Steve leaned forward and moved his hand up to tuck hair behind his friend’s ear.

“Nothing will ever be like it was before,… You will never be treated like that again Pal!” Steve promised and Bucky looked up at him with an intense expression and tried to force himself to smile, but the effort just made his eyes tear up and his face crumble. Steve pulled him into an embrace and carefully enveloped him into his arms as he kissed Bucky’s head, gently laying a warm hand over Bucky’s flesh one that rest protectively over his metal shoulder.

“I got you Bucky,… everything is going to be better now,… Hydra can’t hurt you any more,… we won’t let them.” Steve reassured and Bucky shook quietly, internally hating himself for being so emotional but unable to dissociate, feeling everything with intensity as he was left raw and exposed. He was no longer the compliant, mechanical Hydra Asset, but he still didn’t feel like the confident and defiant James Buchanan Barnes. Instead he felt striped down and unmade, like a trembling child who needed the comfort of a parent after waking up from a nightmare that had lasted a life time.

“I’m sorry,… I’m sorry Steve.” Bucky whispered with a quivered voice as he shook, face hidden in Steve’s chest. Steve gentaly rubed up and down Bucky’s bare back and sighed as he pulled back slightly and moved his hand from Bucky’s shoulder to lift his chin, trying to catch his friend’s watery eyes.

“Sorry for what Buck?... You got nothing to apologize for!” Steve questioned with an ever patient and comforting tone. Bucky returned his gaze with a look of exhaustion and a trembling pout.

“I’m sorry for being such a head case,… for putting you through this,… for letting Hydra control me,… for letting them break me…” Bucky’s eyes closed as a few tears ran down his cheeks and he hastily wiped them from his face and turned away. Steve cupped Bucky’s face and pulled him back in, resting his chin on Bucky’s bowed head as he once more carefully wrapped his arm around him.

“God Buck,…. After every thing you’ve been through,… of course you are struggling pal,… no one could have lived through what those Nazi bastards did to you and not come out worse for ware,… You are so strong Bucky,… so brave and you tried so hard to fight back… Even if they did break you,… you’re the one who held on to all those pieces of yourself Bucky…. I’m not gonna say this has been easy,… watching you try so hard to remember who you are.… To understand how to be yourself again,… but none of this is your fault!... And if you tried to do this on your own,…..” Steve closed his eyes as he felt his chest tighten and a tear escaped his own eye as his voice became a hushed whisper.

“If...if you didn’t let me be with you,… Try to help you,… Buck,… I would be…. I,… God Bucky!” Steve’s voice broke and it was Bucky’s turn to pull back as he brought his flesh hand up to Steve’s face, searching his Captain’s tearful expression, both men locked in each other’s desperate gaze.

“I…. I let you fall Bucky,… I let you fall from the train and Hydra got you,… I couldn’t save you,…. I’m the one who needs to apologize Bucky,… I am the reason all of this happened to you,... I” Steve was crying, for the first time since he finally had his best friend back not just in body but in mind as well. It was Bucky’s turn to shake his head as he reluctantly lifted the new metal hand and placed it on Steve’s shoulder, flesh hand massaging the back of Steve’s neck as he pulled him forward, until their foreheads were pressed together, Steve biting back his sobs and Bucky focusing on his own uneven breaths.

“You didn’t do this Steve,… You are the only reason I was able to escape,… you saved me from Hydra… twice,… and you are the only one who can save me from myself,… You are everything Stevie,…. Always have been!” Bucky kissed Steve’s forehead, and then his temple. Steve looked up at Bucky, wet eyes shining bright as Bucky felt his heart racing. 

He leaned in slowly, hesitantly as he brought his lips to Steve’s cheek, soft and tender, then he kissed each wet eye lid and pulled back again, eyes searching for permission. Steve opened his eyes, breathing raspy as he licked his lips and swallowed before nodding. Bucky ran his flesh hand through Steve’s golden hair and then brought his lips to Steve’s, kissing him with a softness that reminded the Captain of their first kiss almost a century ago, when they were just two confused Brooklyn boys, drunk on Whiskey and nervous because they knew they shouldn’t. 

Bucky pulled back to check Steve’s expression and the Captain answered by leaning back in, both hands cupping Bucky’s face as he returned the tentative kiss with one that was certain and absolute, the same way he had kissed him in the shower. It was a promise, a statement that Steve wanted Bucky, wanted him despite everything, wanted him with every scar and would always want him. The kiss depended and only broke when Steve felt Bucky begin to tremble again, fresh tears pouring down his cheeks. Steve pulled back and used his thumbs to wipe Bucky’s wet cheeks as he spoke with conviction and certainty.

“I love you Bucky,… I have always loved you,… And I will always love you… we are in this together pal…” Steve swallowed as Bucky let out a small broken laugh and nodded, hand still gripping the back of Steve’s neck.

“Yea,… I know Cap,… ‘till the end of the line!” Bucky smiled beneath wet eyes and when he leaned into kiss Steve again both their tears made the kiss salty but it didn’t matter. The Winter Soldier didn’t know what love was, but James Buchannan Barnes did. And as long as Steve loved him, he could survive anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End notes: Arm is on and Bucky is now functioning more or less as himself but with heaps of trauma to get through.


	21. Please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: WARNING- Implied past sexual abuse. Nothing too graphic but the reference is clear, and some depictions could be intense. I do not go into detail about specifics.

As the weeks passed each day was marked by steady progress with only small setbacks. Most mornings when Bucky jerked awake it only took a few seconds of choked breath before he would let out a sigh of relief, trembling hand grabbing the warm palm Steve would place deliberately in the center of his bare chest with steady, grounding pressure. Bucky would squeeze twice, taking in shuddered gulps of air as his breathing slowly regulated, a signal that he was okay and in the present. Bucky’s bright blue eyes would initial slam shut in an attempt to contain any tears his nightmares might have conjured but would blink open again once his breathing had slowed and he would turn his head to find Steve’s steady gaze, a gentle, reassuring smile growing on the blond man’s lips. In that moment he knew who he was, where and when even if he was still hunted by the horrors of his past, pain, guilt and fear ever present in the depths of his large blue eyes. 

The Sergeant’s days took on a flexible routine that involved working out, Psychotherapy, trying new foods, listening to music, learning about the new century and increased social interactions with the other Avengers. Even though he was quieter and more subdued then the James Buchannan Barnes of his youth, Bucky was still able to smile and add to conversations, finding his voice again after years muzzled by Hydra. He would offer smirks when Clint told jokes, roll his eyes when Stark made sarcastic quips and spoke candidly with medical staff even if he still carried some uneasy tension when being examined. Bucky’s true self was finally shining through and it brought a renewed sense of optimism to the team. Steve felt overwhelmingly grateful, often staring at Bucky with a devoted fondness that made the Sergeant blush and shove him playfully or throw a pillow at his face as he teased Steve about being a sap.

Bucky was becoming more independent and enjoyed spending time on his own learning about the present day and the historical events that shaped society as well as the expansion of technical advancements and the various cultures around the world. Bucky had always loved music in the way that Steve was passionate about art and so he spent several hours of each day relaxing as he listened to different genera’s of music and reading books about scientific discover and a variety of historical biographies, excitedly explaining new things he had learned when Steve returned to the medical suite in the evenings after spending most of the day away. Bucky’s steady recovery afforded Steve time to resume some of his responsibilities as Captain America, attending SHEILD briefings, consulting military on covert missions and making public appearances for various charities.

The transformation was a relief to Steve and his teammates after months of Bucky relating to those around him through the filter of Hydra’s programing and conditioned responses. However, there were still frequent bad days when it took longer for Bucky to remember himself, eyes dilated with fear and mistrust as he pressed himself against the wall after frantically diving out of bed. On those days Steve had to swallow down his own pain and disappointment, remaining calm as he was once more faced with the shattered and fragmented persona of the lost Soldier. He followed Sam’s instructions and sat quietly on the bed, speaking with gentle tones as he explained to his desperately frightened friend who they each were, where they were and when until Bucky would edge closer, studying Steve’s face with bewilderment and confusion. Sometimes it took only an hour or so before Bucky would actually speak, mumbled and half whispered, voice struggling to express his thoughts but still responsive. Steve stayed with him on those melancholy mornings, offering comfort until Bucky would ask to be alone for a while with the promise he would eat. 

Then there were the days, less often but far worse, when the recovering POW would shut down completely and remain silent, unable to make eye contact as he withdrew into himself. The former Asset would isolate himself in his own room, behaving guarded and cautious throughout the day, avoiding the others and interacting with Steve only minimally. He would rewach every documentary featuring himself, Steve, the Howling Commandos, and his family with eyes large as he bit his lip, one hand gripping his hair the other one hugging a pillow to his chest as he rocked on his bed. 

Steve’s mood would be anxious and sullen throughout the day as he fought the urge to remain at Bucky’s side, relying on Jarvis to monitor him instead. The Captain would try to keep himself distracted and occupied until he would finally get a text message from Jarvis stating that Sergeant Barnes had requested his presence. Steve always stopped whatever he was doing and jogged back to the medical suite with his own desperate need to comfort and relive Bucky’s distress. Despite the emotional roller coaster, Steve would sigh in relief as soon as Bucky turned toward him and called out his name in a shaking and exhausted voice. The Captain would rush into Bucky’s embrace, holding him as he listened to his friends quiet, muffled sobs. Once the tears subsided he would insist Bucky drink a protein shake followed by a shower or bath, helping Bucky wash himself with gentle caress and encouraging words before tucking him into bed always hesitating long enough to allow Bucky the choice of reaching out and pulling Steve to him. This was the one seemingly constant thing and despite the Psychiatric team’s concern about consent vs compliance, Bucky always asked Steve to stay with him. Those days were difficult but always ended with Bucky curled up in his arms, protected and secure.

It was only at night in the safety of a shared bed that Steve would softly kiss Bucky’s temple and hair line or would bring his scared knuckles up to his lips, a private display of affection they kept just to themselves. Steve never tried for anything more than that, letting Bucky take the lead if he wanted to explore their fragile, but familiar intimacy. They had exchanged more soft, gentle kisses and when Bucky would open his mouth and cling to Steve passionately moaning, the Captain made sure to keep his hips still and not grind his growing erection against him. Every time things began to heat up Bucky would break away with a shudder, painting and heart suddenly racing. excitement becoming anxiety that he didn’t understand. He would start shaking and mumble apologies as Steve hushed him and held him tenderly, reminding him that he was safe. It made Steve nauseous with guilt and concern, afraid to find out why Bucky was having such an intense reaction to sexual arousal. 

It was almost two months since Bucky had received the new prosthetic limb and he was doing objectively well despite a lingering unease that some traumas had yet to be fully remembered. On one late night after a relatively good day when Bucky had been socially engaging and had even gone on a run that morning with Steve and Sam in Central park, Bucky was taking the lead, the way he always had back in the days of their secret intimacy. He had his metal hand gripping the heme of Steve’s shirt as his right flesh hand carded through the Captain’s hair. He was kissing Steve deeply and moaning as he brought his own stiffening member forward, pressing against Steve’s thigh. The blond man felt heat rush down his body as Bucky began rutting against him, sucking on Steve’s neck and tongue exploring his Captain’s ,mouth as he bit his bottom lip. Steve let out his own low, moan as he let the hand resting on Bucky’s lower back slide down under the waist band of his lover’s pajamas to grip Bucky’s firm buttocks, squeezing as he pressed their bodies closer together, his own erection demanding attention. Bucky shivered and let out a choked gasp as he broke their kiss and bucked his hips forward in a frantic spasm as he suddenly orgasmed without warning. He was panting with eyes wide in shock as he stared down at the wet, sticky material covering his still hard cock. Steve, stroked the side of his face and guided his startled expression up to meet his own calm and loving eyes.

“It’s okay,… it’s okay Buck,…” Steve offered softly, bringing his hand up to stroke through his friends tangles of hair as Bucky took in a few more shuddered breaths, before his face crumbled and a sob broke through. He shook his head, metal hand coming up to cover his face as he pulled away from Steve, turning his back. 

“Bucky,... Hey,… no,… it’s okay, just breath pal.” Steve tried to comfort as Bucky turned away and covered his crotch with his other hand, shoulders shaking as he curled in on himself, face hidden in his palm as he quietly gasped between choked sobs. Steve tried to wrap his distressed lover in his arms, calling his name but Bucky let out a panicked cry at Steve’s touch and began pulling on his hair as he shook his head.

“ Нет ... Пожалуйста ... Не надо!” (No…Please….Don’t!) Bucky’s desperate plea was broken with a shattered sob as he curled into a tight ball, as if he was trapped with no where to go.

Steve recoiled instantly even before he heard Jarvis offer a translation. He withdrew himself from the bed, taking steps back as his own chest felt tight and he covered his mouth with his hand, shaking his head beneath shocked, tearful eyes, watching his best friend, the man he loved gripped in a heartbreaking flash back that Steve had triggered. 

The Captain backed away until he was pressed against the wall and then let his knees buckle as he slid down until he was seated. Steve covered his own face in his palms with shuddered breaths as his mind raced with thoughts about what Bucky’s sudden aversion meant, what horrific torment he had been subjected to that was in some gruesome way connected with the sensation of orgasm. Rumlow’s sadistic taunts hunted his thoughts as he felt his gut cramp. What had they done to Bucky? What disgustingly cruel degradation had Hydra forced upon his best friend that made him recoil in fear and shame after his own sexual release?

There was no way of denying it now. Bucky was curled up on the bed shaking as he silently wept, reliving a traumatizing flashback that confirmed the nagging suspicion Steve had tried so desperately to ignore since the first video sent by Rum low over seven months ago. The Captain had known that Rumlow was very likely not the only sadistically perverted monster that lived in the shadows of Hydra, gleefully using their control and power to dominate and abuse a POW they had forced into slavery. Steve felt numb, as if the horrific truth was more then he could even begin to understand. He sat motionless for a few long moments as he worked to steady his own breathing, forcing himself to stay in the present and deal with the current situation at hand instead of allowing himself to become overwhelmed by this new disturbing realization.

The Captain wiped the tears from his own eyes as he let out a deep breath, willing himself to remain calm and focus on what was most important, comforting Bucky. He looked up just as he saw his friend begin to uncoil and sit up, facing away on the opposite side of the bed, shoulders slumped and still silently shaking. Steve pushed himself up and carefully walked around the bed, remaining out of arms reach as he circled to stand in front of the distraught former Asset. Bucky had his flesh hand still covering the wet spot on his plaid pajama pants, bare feet on the ground. His metal hand was griping the hair at the crown of his head painfully tight as he bit back shuddered breaths, head lowered to hid his tear streaked cheeks. Steve stood before him and let out his own heavy sigh before he slowly dropped to his knees, hands in clenched fists at his side.

“Bucky?.... Are you with me pal?.... You know where you are right now?” Steve asked trying to smooth his strained voice that was brimming with emotion. After a few more choked off breaths Bucky nodded, eyes still squeezed shut as he remained folded in on himself, bowing his head even further as if he was crippled with humiliation and overwhelming shame.

“Can I come closer to you Bucky?” Steve asked with a tone that shook despite his best efforts. Bucky let out a shuddered sigh as he tried to answer, unable to raise his head, eyes still squeezed tight.

“N..No,…Please,…I,…Please just…..” Bucky’s soft whisper broke and he let out a chocked sob shaking his head as he tugged harshly on his hair.

“Bucky,… Don’t hurt your self…” Steve pleaded softly as he edged closer and reached out to stop the metal hand that was tangled in his friends brown locks.  
“NO!... Don’t touch me…don’t!” Bucky shouted as he jerked away violently, shoving Steve back as he rolled away off the bed and pressed himself against the wall Steve had just sat by, their positions switched. He had his back to Steve, facing the wall as he continued to hid the evidence of his ejaculation, body shaking as he let out a few panicked breaths shaking his head back and forth as he once more pulled on his hair.

“Buck,… it’s okay,… I won’t…” Steve’s voice was a desperate plea as he rose to his feet but he was cut off as Bucky quickly made a beeline for the bathroom, slamming the door shut and locking it. Steve took a few steps forward but resisted the urge to knock or force the door open when he heard the distinctive sound of his friend vomiting between anguished sobs.

“Bucky,… Please…” Steve begged as he pressed his forehead to the door, both palms on the frame.

“Go away,… I can’t,… I just… Please!” Bucky sobbed before again dispelling the remaining contents of his nauseated stomach. Steve remained there for a few long minutes listening to the hitched breathing and heartbreaking cries of a man who had just relived a hell Steve didn’t want to know but was desperate to save him from. After another moment of indecision Steve let out sigh of resignation.

“Okay Buck,… I’m gonna,… I’m just gonna go away for a bit,… Give you some space,…I…I’ll be nearby so just,… Just when your ready tell Jarvis okay?... Just say my name,… You hear me Sergeant?” Steve tried to make his voice sound confident with authority, something Bucky seemed to respond to even when he was lost in the pain of a flashback or feeling emotionally volatile and absorbed in thought, fixated on some new traumatic memory that left him disoriented and unresponsive to those around him.

“GO AWAY!... Please,…please just go away!” Bucky’s shattered cry felt like a punch and his muffled sobs left Steve cold inside. With heavy steps he backed away from the bathroom door and turned away, running a hand over his face as he stumbled out of the room and into the dimly lit medical suite. Without a sense of direction or purpose Steve walked numbly away from his shattered best friend, bare feet carrying him out the doorway and into the hall, vision blurred with unshed tears as his mind wandered in every direction and his gut clenched like his fists as Rumlow’s vicious words replayed in his head.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Bucky was sick with disgust and paralyzed by an overpowering feeling of shame and fear that refused to dissipate even after his flashback had ended and he was back in the present. He pulled on his hair with both hands as he rocked on his knees, wrenching nothing but stomach acid into the toilet bowl. He remembered. He remembered, in graphic detail he remembered Hydra violating his body, using him in a way that stripped him of any remaining pride or dignity. Every time a handful of soldiers held him down, screaming and fighting as he wished for death or later when he was silent and compliant, letting whoever abuse him as he focused on following orders so he could return to cryostasis where he would be trapped in ice but free of their brutal, unrelenting touch. There degrading taunts, the smell of sweat and vodka, the pain and agony of being ripped apart and the taste of men he despised with every ounce of his tortured soul settled upon him like a filthy blanket that was suffocating him. Bucky knew what had happened, what he had let them do, what they had made him become, and he was completely disgusted with the feeling of his own skin, ashamed and horrified. 

The sticky wetness between his thighs was a cruel, sick joke, reminding him that Hydra owned his body, his pain and his pleasure. He was their prisoner, their slave, designed to serve whatever purpose they deemed fit and he had no control over what they did and how they made his body respond. He was nothing but a broken, empty vessel for other people to fill with whatever they wanted and however they wanted. With another strangled cry Bucky ripped off his pajama pants, struggling to get away from the feeling and the smell of his release, a sickening and repulsive display of his bodies own willingness to let Hydra use him like their whore or as a cold blooded murder. The shame and guilt of his pathetic servitude was more than his battered pride and fledgling grip on identity could handle. He crawled into the shower stall and turned on the water as hot as it could go, curling in on himself as he cried, his mind trapped in the endless loop of his own self-hatred and feeling of immense shame.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Steve found himself in the gym, his numb, frozen feeling of shock and dismay had been replaced by a boiling sense of fury and lethal anger that needed an outlet. He was fighting an army of robots, combat drones Tony had designed for the team to spar with, using his bare hands to rip them apart as he screamed a guttural cry, seeing only red as Rumlow’s words continue to repeat alongside the images of Bucky curled up on the bed and then cowering against the wall, shaking with sobs. He was consumed with violent rage and hatred, completely and totally lost in the physical act of destroying every single thing in his path as if he was slaughtering the sadistic creatures who dared to brutalize the man he loved more than life itself. The Captain was lost in the heat of blinding rage, unaware of anything or anyone else.

Sam hurried up to the doorway of the gym in sweatpants and a T-shirt, arriving the same time as Bruce who looked startle with apprehension, a medic bag in his hand. Just inside the room Natasha stood with Clint and Stark who was in his Ironman suite, face mask open. They all exchanged looks of serious concern with one another before focusing back on Captain America who was in the middle of the room, decimating combat drones with such force he resembled the Hulk. Steve was in torn sweatpants and nothing else, blood from his knuckles splattered on his bare chest and face as he screamed with cries of such ferocity his teammates were frozen in stunned silence.

“What happened?” Bruce asked with a bewildered tone, looking over at Tony with sudden alarm.  
“Bucky?” He asked as if he was about to run to the medical suite.

“Jarvis said he’s been in the shower for over an hour,… He’s monitoring for any sign of physical threat or self-harm.” Tony responded with a direct and serious tone not normally used.

“All we know is that Barnes had a flashback and wants to be left alone… Jarvis alerted us because Steve is the one bleeding at the moment.” Natasha added with a calm expression, neutral but her attention never wavering from the Captain.

“He’s been at this for a while, but Jay said he wasn’t hurting himself until he split his knuckles open and won’t stop.” Stark sighed, his eyes tired from too many hours in his workshop but his jaw was set with ridged determination. “Suggestions?” He turned and looked at Sam who wiped his mouth and blew out a deep breath.

“Jarvis stop the combat exercise.” Clint ordered as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall. “Don’t approach him yet.” The Archer stated and the others looked at him and then back toward Captain America who was straddling a robot as he tore through the machines hard ware with brutal force, growling like a predator. 

The Avengers stood back and observed their Captain as he destroyed the robot, completely smashing it to pieces before he staggered to his feet, breathing hard and eyes wild as he spun around with his hands up ready to continue the fight. He was staring at his friends with a frenzied look of intent, as if he was ready to charge them but he froze and blinked hard, breath catching. He let out a forced deep breath and stood up strait wiping his hands over his face before stopping and looking down at his bloody, battered knuckles. The others watched him for a moment before Natasha approached slowly. Steve was staring at his hands, examining the damage as he panted harsh breaths. He looked up through sweat soaked bangs and his eyes were glistening with unshed tears as he choked out a broken sounding laugh, shaking his head.

“Steve?” The Widows spoke with a soft, unthreatening tone, cautiously remaining a few feet away but with body language that was open and offered support.

“Nat…” Steve answered, swallowing after another choked huff. He took a step toward her, then another before he stopped and his hands dropped heavily, shoulders sinking down as he looked down at the robots all around him. He shook his head again and gestured broadly to the heaps of machinery around him before looking back up at the Widow and then over toward his other teammates who were approaching slowly.

“What’s wrong?” Natasha asked letting her concern show openly. Steve swallowed again and his brow creased as a pained look took over his dazed expression. He sighed and his steady breaths seemed to increase again as he shook his head looking from the red head and then to each of his advancing team mates before opening his mouth to speak. He tried to explain but he had no words, instead a choked growl of despair ripped through him and he turned away, fists clenched and raised as he shook them. 

“Steve?... Don’t swallow it down man,… Come on,… Don’t carry this shit on your own!” Sam’s voice was authoritative and refused to allow Steve to bottle up all the pain he was obviously experiencing. Steve let out more rapids huffs of air as he paced around the carnage of robots shaking his head as he gritted his teeth. With a forceful kick, a robot head flew across the room and shattered against the wall as he yelled out in anger and frustration, heartache and sorrow.

“Easy Cap!” Tony spoke as his face mask closed and he approached the raw and emotionally distraught super soldier with hands raised. Steve spun around and gasped for air as he backed away still shaking his head as he stumbled and fell back against the wall, tripping over robot limps as he dropped to his knees and then onto his butt.

The Captain felt like his lungs were gripped with asthma as he gasped and clutched at his chest, a cry of anguish and despair ripping through him as he banged the back of his head against the wall and looked up at his teammates with a shattered expression.

“They ruined everything!... They destroyed every good thing we had!... Hydra took it all away…The God Damn Bastards,… Those sick sons of bitches!... Sadistic, twisted, heartless...” Steve’s words choked and tears spilled down his face as he shook his head pulling his his knees up.

“Oh God,...Oh God Bucky!... I’m sorry,… I am so sorry Buck!.... What did they do!?.... God what did those sick bastards do to you!?” Steve was whispering between anguished sobs, shaking his head as he wept for the loss of what was once a sacred intimacy he shared with Bucky, now tainted and destroyed by their enemies, like everything else Steve held dear. 

They knew the meaning behind Steve’s anguished words, the disturbing truth that they had privately each suspected after learning more about Hydra’s ruthless victimization of Sergeant Barnes before his programing and even after, when he was their obedient Asset. There was no explicit documentation stating that Hydra had used rape as a means of domination and punishment or condoned the sexual abuse of the Winter Soldier for others gratification, but Rumlow had spelled out his own intentions and he was as much a representation of the evil, and sadistically cruel enjoyment that Hydra bread within their fanatical followers.

Natasha closed distance and knelt by Steve’s side placing a hand on the Captain’s shoulder as he shook and silently cried, face buried in his folder arms that rest on his knees. Sam was there too, crouching down directly in front of the Captain, speaking in calm, clear directives as Dr. Banner joined Steve on his other side. 

“Steve,… Breath,… focus on taking slow, even breaths,…. Count them.” Sam encouraged as Tony stepped out of his Ironman suite and Clint stared down at the mangled robots, stained by the Captain’s bloody hands.

“I am gonna kill them Sam!... I am gonna kill every one of those lousy cowards!... Every one of em’!” Steve’s Brooklyn accent was strong as anger still burned bright within his watery eyes, blood smeared on his face and in his hair. He took in harsh gulps of air as he closed his eyes and then locked his jaw breathing instead through his noise. He banged his head back against the wall again as he internally scolded himself for disclosing to the others what had been done to Bucky, for sharing the shameful truth that the Sergeant would have never wanted anyone else to know if he could have kept it a secret.

“I don’t doubt that you will make Hydra pay for what they have done to both of you,… We already saw how Barnes dished out his payback on the US revenge tour… But for now, I need you to calm down,… lets focus on what happened tonight and how we can help it get better.” Sam instructed with an even and reassuring tone as Banner opened his medic bag and handed cleansing wipes to Natasha who started cleaning the blood from Steve’s hands.

The Captain opened his wet eyes and let out another shuddered sigh as he shook his head and watched them patch op his busted knuckles.

“I messed up again Sam,… You were right,… I should have insisted Bucky sleep in his own room, I should have put a stop to everything that’s been going on but,… I,… God I’ve missed him so much and he wants to be close,… I never pushed anything on him I swear,… I let him set the pace… but still….” Steve banged his head against the wall again and Natasha cupped his neck to prevent him from repeating the action.

“Stop it!” She stated simply with a stern frown and he dropped his gaze back to his hands.

“Bucky had a Flashback?” Sam asked. Steve nodded as he looked up at Sam and pouted with a miserable frown.

“He has been doing so well,… and he usually wants to be close once he,… Once he recognizes me again… But,… this time…” Steve swallowed as a tear escaped down cheek and he shrugged helplessly.

“He didn’t want me to touch him and he locked himself in the bathroom…” Steve bit his lip as a look of panic danced across his expression. “God,…Sam,… What time is it?.... How long has he been in there?... He could be hurting himself!” Steve tried to get up but Natasha pushed him back down as Banner continued to treat the swollen, bloody knuckles of each hand with a gel that formed an artificial layer of skin.

Sergeant Barnes has exited the shower Sir and is getting dressed. He appears calm. Jarvis supplied the update and Steve looked at Sam and then to Natasha.  
“I should go check on him… I need to make sure he’s alright!” Steve spoke with urgency and Sam exchanged a look with Natasha before speaking.

“Ok Steve,… but first we got to make sure your all right,… You walking up to Bucky right now with blood smeared on your face might not be the best idea.’ Sam explained and Steve blinked in confusion before glancing down at his hands and then his disheveled appearance, cover in sweat and blood, pants torn. He swallowed and nodded. 

“Yea,… Ok,… I ugh,… I should shower first.” He swallowed and nodded.

“You should use the one in here,… I’ll go get you some cloths to change into.” Natasha commented, squeezing his bicep gently before she stood, again giving Sam a nod, the two understanding that she would check in with Barnes as Sam helped get Steve back into a level head space. She walked past Clint who gave her a grim nod, aware that this situation was delicate and needed to be handled carefully and with respect so that Bucky wouldn’t feel more self-conscious and vulnerable then he already was.

“Come on Cap,… a shower to clear your head and then we can debrief.” Sam offered his arm as he stood up and Steve used a swollen and bruised hand to pull himself up. With eyes full of emotion, Steve walked past the others with his head down, absorbed in his thoughts. The men watched him exit the gym and go into the locker room before taking a moment to meet each other’s eyes.

“Looks like were headed for a rough patch with our senior citizen soldiers.” Stark offered with lack luster humor that was a deflection away from the truly horrific nature of the newest trauma to be revealed by Hydra’s former Asset.

“We need to be very sensitive around this Stark,… This could set off any number of different PTSD symptoms and we don’t want to see him isolate again or go into self-destructive mode.” Sam sighed as he wiped his mouth in thought.

“I’ll inform the medical team and Dr. Hernadez so they can be prepared.” Bruce offered and Sam nodded.

“I’m supposed to deliver an updated status report to Fury and Hill end of the week,… But,…” Hawkeye shook his head with a sigh looking away with a grimace. “If it was me, I wouldn’t want this kind of thing written down, I would want it to be buried.” He shrugged and shook his head. “Those Hydra freaks are seriously messed up!...Christ what haven’t those fascist fucks put Barnes through!” The others each exchange looks with one another before Sam rolled his neck and turned toward the locker room with a deep sigh, pinching the bridge of his noise.

“Man,…I’ve been working with PTSD vets since I got out of Active Duty.” Sam looked up at the Locker room and sighed shaking his head. “Had to work through a lot of my own trauma before I could even start helping my brothers and sisters coming back home from combat zones.” He put his hands on his hips and squared his shoulders.

“But the shit these two Soldiers have been through…..” Sam looked back over his shoulder at the other Avengers. “I am seriously out of my depth with some of this stuff.” The VA counselor huffed and Bruce patted his back with a grim expression, eyes understanding just how much work went into trying to keep a calm and level head when things got intense.

“Just let us know how we can help!” Bruce offered and Sam nodded back before heading toward the locker room to help Steve process and deal with the latest trauma and the subsequent fall out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End note: So they had all suspected that Bucky had been sexually abused while held captive of Hydra but Steve’s reaction and devastation confirm what they had thought. I didn’t feel the need for a lot of specifics or details because I don’t think Steve or Bucky would want to share that information openly. Also, this story is about recovery not depictions of abuse.


	22. Captain’s Whore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: This chapter is starting off exactly where the last one ended.

Natasha was in the medical suite and she paused before she knocked on Steve’s bedroom door. When she heard no response, she opened it hesitantly to revile an empty bedroom with the sheets and covers laying unmade. She flicked on the light and looked over at the bathroom that joined the two bedrooms. The door was shut and the light inside was off. She quietly grabbed some lounge cloths for Steve to change into and then went out of the room and over to the door that lead directly to Bucky’s own bedroom, knocking gently only to receive no reply.

“Barnes?” She called softly and after a moment she heard the soft click of the lock before he opened the door wide and stepped back remaining silent. He stood motionless, head down and damp hair obscuring his face, bear chest still damp and wearing only a pair of sweat pants.

“Hi Bucky.” Natasha spoke softly, not asking him anything or assuming what he might say. The Widow studied the still figure, taking notice that he was exposing his naked chest even though it had been obvious in the recent weeks how the newly awakened persona of James Buchanan Barnes had been shy and uncomfortable about the scars on his torso and shoulder. There was a long silence and he remained motionless and still, his deep breaths were measured and deliberately calm, communicating without words his strangle hold grip on self-control. The SHEILD operative swallowed with a compassionate frown as in that moment Natasha realized just how much the man standing before her was suffering. Reliving the pain of his most recent flashback had been more debilitating then Sergeant James Buchannan Barnes was able to deal with. She let out a breath before she spoke, trying her best to maintain an even, flat tone.

“Soldat?” The Widow addressed the Asset who rose his head slowly until two exhausted, resigned eyes drifted up toward her, stopping to gaze in the distance over her left shoulder.

“Готовы выполнить” (Ready to comply.)

His expression was blank, but there was an unmistakable pain in his glazed blue eyes, and his flesh fist was trembling at his side. Natasha felt her heart ach as she let out a soft sigh, looking away before she blinked a few times, getting her own emotions in check.

“Солдат, ты знаешь, где ты сейчас?” (Soldat, Do you know where you are right now?) Her voice was steady, and her words direct, no longer soft and cautious as she studied his attempt to channel the Winter Soldier programing in order to deal with the immense emotional turmoil that his memories of sexual assault had invoked. She could tell Barnes was hiding beneath the Asset’s mask but as an operative who has been forced to survive her own masquerade, she knew the value of letting him conceal his pain until he was ready to trust others with it.

“Я в ожидании приказа капитана.” I am on standby awaiting orders from the Captain. The Soldier responded after a moment of contemplation crossed his features in the shuttered blinks of his blue eyes, a slight frown on his face.

“What is your current location Sergeant Barnes?” Natasha switched to English but kept the official, authoritative tone in her voice. The Asset’s brow creased more as he blinked a few more times and his gaze shifted to meet her patient green eyes. He swallowed and opened his mouth to respond, voice small and unsure.

“I,… I’m … here,… I am at the Tower,…. With… Steve,…where,… where is Steve?... Steve?!” It was as if the vail of Hydra programing had been lifted and Bucky was no longer forcibly calm, a full body tremor racking through him as he looked everywhere at once, fear rekindled in his large blue eyes.

“He went to the gym,… He’s on his way back to you.” Natasha once more allowed a softness and compassion to slip into her voice, aware of the anxiety that was radiating from the POW who was battling to maintain his grip on sanity while reliving the horrors of his past. The Sergeant took in a few calming breaths before he closed his eyes and turned away.

“No,… Tell him,… I can’t… I can’t right now... it’s too much!” Bucky’s voice was a hushed whisper filled with despair and ever-present fear.

“You can tell him yourself,… when you see him.” Natasha spoke her words with a gentleness despite her declaration refusing to intervein with Steve on his behalf. 

Bucky let out a frustrated groan and rest his bowed head against the door frame, flesh hand coming up to cover the scares on his shoulder where the metal met flesh.

“Natasha, Please,… I am too tired,… I can’t…” Bucky’s voice quivered, and he swallowed thickly, unable to suppress the emotional rasp his words betrayed. “I need to be alone right now…” Bucky mumbled, hair covering his face, shoulders slumped.

“You’ve been alone for a lifetime Sergeant Barnes. Just because you are use to licking your wounds in the privacy of your own mind… doesn’t mean you can’t let others help with the bandages.” The red head spoke with a relaxed but firm tone.

“But I need to bleed out their poison… I can feel it under my skin!” Bucky’s words broke but he sucked in a breath to suppress a sob, face still obscured.

“It’s too late, the poison can’t be bled out. But there is an antidote.” Natasha stated simply, waiting for him to raise his troubled gaze. When he did finally meet her eyes he looked just as shattered as Steve had in the gym. “You got to let people in,.. let them fill you with their love and light,…it will help you heal… You can’t do it on your own Barnes… I know,… I’ve tried.” She offered her own sad smile before reaching out to squeeze his flesh shoulder, ignoring the flinch and tremor her touch invoked.

“It’s too much,… I can’t talk about this…this… shit with him right now!” There was a desperation in his voice that bordered on panic and Natasha knew he was close to breaking down.

“So don’t.” The former KGB asset offered with a shrug and chocked eyebrow, offering a small smirk to ease the tension. “Just go to sleep,… things won’t be so bad in the morning.” The Widow fixed him with a calm, non- judgmental look and nodded, as she stepped back. “You don’t have to explain anything to him or to us… Just rest and let his presence help ground you… Hiding will only make things harder for both of you.” She waited for him to respond and received a shuddered sigh and grimace as he looked down, biting his bottom lip as he turned away and shut the door. She paused to listen for the lock, but it didn’t come, just the sound of him leaning against the door and a muffled curse in Russian. 

Natasha turned away and walked with deliberate strides out of the medical suite, waiting until she was in the elevator before she let out her own emotionally choked shudder. She closed her eyes and took several breaths letting the sickening feeling move through her as fragments of her own past reminded her of exactly how it felt to have her body used for others gratification. She was a Black Widow, an asset of the Red room whose only purpose was to follow orders and complete the mission, not to question authority. She swallowed down her emotions as she blinked a few more times and rolled her shoulders. There was no use letting the past twist her gut into knots. She had long ago grieved for the childhood lost and accepted those painful memories as part of who she once was but not who she was determined to become, a SHEILD agent and an Avenger. Natasha pushed the button on the elevator and took one last deep, steading breath. She had been strong enough to survive and move on with her life, she had no doubt that Sergeant Barnes could do the same.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Steve stood under the hot spray of the shower, letting the tension drain from his muscles as he rest his forehead against the tile. He focused on accepting the truth of what Hydra had subjected Bucky too and tried not to let his imagination paint any images of his friend, the man he loved, being violated and abused. He had to let go of his anger and his desire for revenge and instead try to figure out how to help Bucky get through this and not succumb to the shame and humiliation Steve knew would overwhelm Bucky’s battered pride. The Captain pushed away from the hot spray, and grabbed the soap, using it efficiently and rinsing quickly. 

Bucky had been making so much progress breaking through Hydra’s programing, fighting to regain his sense of self after endless decades of captivity. Steve needed to help him come to terms with what horrors Hydra had inflicted on him and remind him that he was no less a man, a man that Steve loved unconditionally. The Captain let out a sigh as he shook his head after turning off the spray. His love for Bucky would never faulter or diminish no matter what painful truths were revealed but Steve understood now that expressing that love with sexual intimacy was hurting him by triggering memories of cruelty and perverse manipulation. For that reason, Steve could not suppress his own feelings of guilt and remorse, disgusted by his own lust and desire for a man who had been abused so horribly.

When he stepped into the changing room with a towel wrapped around his waist Nat was there with Sam, the two speaking quietly before turning to face him. The Captain stopped and looked at his teammates feeling more naked then he already was, his careless actions and selfish behavior the cause of Bucky’s most recent flashback. Steve’s expression must have broadcasted his internal monologue because instantly both Sam and Natasha’s faces transformed from pensive to concerned and sympathetic.

“Hey Man,… We are gonna get through this one Steve,… Just like all the other garbage Hydra has dumped on you guys!” Sam offered as he took a few steps forward and placed a hand on his shoulder, warm and grounding just as Bucky had always done when Steve was just Steve and Bucky was just Bucky.

“How is he Nat?” Steve asked, knowing that the Widow would have checked on Bucky, the two sharing their own connection that Steve had learned related back to the KGB and the Red room but the details had not been disclosed and so he didn’t ask. The Widow offered a small smile and handed him clothes.

“He’s not okay,… But neither are you.” She stated as a matter of fact but her tone was considerate and not unkind. “He’s probably feeling just as raw and overwhelmed as you are right now,… but he doesn’t know how to deal with it.” Steve met her hazel green eyes and then looked over at Sam before staring down at the cloths in his hands.

“That makes too of us.” Steve whispered solemnly, gripping the cloths in his fist as he closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Just be there for him Steve, that’s all you really can do right now man. Just let him know that whatever he remembers and however he’s feeling about it, nothings gonna change the fact that you got his back.” Sam spoke with sincerity and Steve looked up at him with a look of guilt and remorse.

“What if he doesn’t want me to have his back?... What if he thinks that I,… that what they did,…” Steve shook his head and swallowed as a wave of nauseas coursed through him at the thought that Bucky would feel violated by Steve like he had been with Hydra.

“What if isn’t normally a question you ask yourself Captain America… Usually you just charge in and let your gut tell you what to do.” Natasha mused with a gentle smirk and Steve offered a huff as he shook his head.

“Well,... When it comes to this,… I feel like everything I do makes things worse.” Steve grumbled.

“It’s gotta get worse before it gets better Steve… You’ve been careful with him, taking things slow like the Psych Doc told you… These memories were gonna resurface at some point,… and he is gonna have to deal with all the nastiness that goes with it. He needs you to help him accept what happened to him but also remind him that it’s not his fault and he is no less a man.” Sam squeezed the Captain’s shoulder and nodded before taking one step closer.

“And if he looses his shit over this,… help him come back, if he’s scared of you,… help him remember who you are and what you two have together… And if he needs some space…” Sam nodded again. “You know your buddy better than anyone here the Psy Doc included… But you gotta keep your head on straight no matter what he says or does because he’s hurting right now and probably isn’t able to think past how bad this is making him feel.” Sam patted Steve’s shoulder and backed up a few Steps. The Captain nodded with a heavy sigh and turned to go into a changing room stall.

“And Cap…” Sam added as Steve turned back around. “Don’t forget that if things go bad and you need back up or a break,… You got a whole team behind you man!” Sam nodded and Natasha smiled, her hands on her hips. Steve nodded and and offered an exhausted smile and a half hearted salute before pulling the curtain closed. For not the first time in the past several months Steve was thankful he had friends to help guide him and reassure him during this struggle of Bucky’s recovery other wise he would feel truly lost.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

It was almost three in the morning when Steve quietly entered the dimly lit medical suite. He stopped outside of Bucky’s door, pausing as he took a breath and listened to see if he could hear his friend inside. Natasha had told Steve after he was fully dressed how Bucky had briefly reverted back to the Winter Solider programming but that he was himself when she left and that he said he was tired and wasn’t up to talking. Steve secretly hoped that was true as he had no idea what to say to his best friend but still wanted to be with him, offering comfort and support. As Steve lingered a moment longer, hovering right outside the door he was startled as it began to open, just a few feet. Bucky stood there with his eyes down cast wearing a navy blue hoodie, hair obscuring his face. He didn’t say anything to Steve or meet the Captain’s eyes, instead just turning away and walking back to his neatly made bed where he sat down tense on the edge, hands gripping the comforter in fists. Steve pushed the door open and stepped inside of the dark room, illuminated only by the dim light outside.

The Captain stood awkwardly just inside the threshold not sure what to do next. After a moment he spoke softly.

“Bucky?” Steve questioned, hoping he could get a response that would let him know what his friend wanted from him.  
“I’m tired Stevie.” The former Asset sighed as he rubbed his eyes with his flesh hand.

“Ok,… Do you want me to sleep in the other room tonight?” Steve offered with a cautious tone. Bucky shifted slightly, looking up through his long hair with eyes that looked wary and apprehensive. He looked away again and swallowed before giving a small shrug.

“Dunno.” He admitted and his body shook with a tremor as he bit his lip and closed his eyes against a few tears that threatened to fall. 

Steve felt his fists clench and let his instincts take over. He closed distance with a few slow steps and then knelt down Infront of his friend, looking up with complete genuine devotion. He waited until Bucky turned his wet, exhausted gaze toward him, arms crossing over his stomach, hugging himself tight.

“Whatever you need Bucky,… it’s okay if you don’t know,… if your feeling confused or upset or,…. However your feeling right now,… I love you Bucky, and I promise I will never force you to do anything you don’t want to do,… it’s your choice pal,… you choose what you want me to do.” Steve’s words were spoken with conviction but as he saw a flicker of pain flash across Bucky’s features followed by a full body tremor his heart sunk. Bucky looked away again and swallowed as if he felt sick to his stomach, grimacing as he shut his eyes and shook his head. After a few snorts of air he unclenched his jaw and let out a shuddered breath before it turned into a miserably laugh. The former Asset shook his head again as he closed his eyes and wiped away the tears that escaped down his cheeks.

“They,… Hydra gave me a choice too Stevie.” His voice was a broken whisper and when he opened his eyes he kept them off to the side as he spoke.

“When,… before,…” Bucky took in a shaky breath and shook his head as he bit his lip. Steve stayed completely silent and braced himself, knowing somehow that despite all of the other traumatic violations and cruel indignities Bucky had suffered at the hands of their enemy, the memories his friend was struggling with now were likely some of the worst. Bucky closed his eyes again and then spoke with a look of pain on his face as if to say it out loud was physically hurting him.

“Before I forgot who I was,… before they started using the chair,… they were trying to break me,… and,… they knew,… I don’t know how but,… They knew about,… You,… and me,…about us.” He opened his eyes and dragged his hunted gaze over toward Steve who’s posture stiffened as he sucked in a breath. Bucky’s arms were wrapped around his stomach, hands gripping the fabric of his sleeves as he began to rock slightly, eyes dropping down again and as he spoke, voice shaking.  
“They called me, Капитанская шлюха, Captain’s Whore,… and they said I had a choice,… I could be their Soldier and become the fist of Hydra or… their whore.” Bucky let out a wincing sigh as he shook his head new tears flooding his face as his voice broke.

“I tried to fight back Stevie,… I swear to God I tried to kill every one of those Hydra bastards but,… I was so weak,… Could hardly stand,… only had one lousy arm.” He shuddered again and a small sob escaped his lips.

“I never choose,… I just kept cursing them to Hell until,… Until I couldn’t refuse no-more,… until those rat-faced sons of bitches won,… They made me their Solider,…and their whore,…” Bucky’s confession felt like Steve had been stabbed in the gut and the muffled sobs that followed, face hidden in his flesh hand helped twisted the blade deeper.

“Bucky!... No!” Steve gasped out as he moved to sit next to his friend on the edge of the bed wrapping his arms around Bucky’s shaking shoulders and pulling him in close. 

“No Buck!... That’s not true,… You were never a whore,… not for Hydra and never for me!” Steve’s own voice was steady with conviction as he forced himself to become Captain America, instinctually knowing that when Bucky was feeling down on himself he needed someone to set him straight. It had always been Bucky’s father Gorge Barnes who often took things too far and was probably the reason Bucky always tried to put on a brave face because crying made him a coward in the Barnes household. However, Steve knew that Bucky was use to responding to it, primary conditioning long before Hydra from a strict Irish Catholic family struggling during the Great Depression, were you had to be tougher then the world around you.

“Bucky look at me,… Look at me Buck!” Steve commanded and Bucky dropped his hand dramatically as he punched his own leg hard and jerked his angry, tearful gaze toward Steve but not up to his eyes. The Captain grabbed Bucky’s jaw with slight force, raising his head up until those anguished blue eyes met Steve’s own intense stare.

“You are not a Whore,… you are not a victim of those sadistic cowards,… you are a survivor,… you are an American Sergeant who endured more than 70 years as a Prisoner of War.” Steve moved his firm grip from Bucky’s clenched jaw line to cup the back of his friend’s neck. 

“You are not weak. You are one of the strongest and bravest men I know. You have faced every new challenge, no matter how painful, with courage and determination, fighting to recover who you are, who you have always been!” Steve let his serious expression soften, a small smile on his lips as he shook his head, fingers massaging the tension in Bucky’s neck muscles as the brunette man let out a calming breath, eyes no longer angry as he wiped the tears from his cheeks looking away.

“You are my best friend Bucky,… and no matter what happened before or what happens now,… I will always be by your side, to remind you who you really are, the MAN you are!” Steve leaned in and kissed Bucky’s forehead and then pressed his forehead to Bucky’s as he felt his friend’s flesh hand come up and grip his bicep.

“They don’t matter anymore Buck,… they tried to break you but you always resisted,… so they had to erase you… And even that didn’t destroy Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes!” Steve pulled back and moved his hand from Bucky’s neck to the side of his friend’s face, cupping his calm but wide eyed expression, lips in a vulnerable pout.

“You’re here with me,… all these years later!” Steve’s smile grew and he let his own eyes tear up.

“After everything,… After we both gave our lives for our country,… we wake up in this crazy new world!… This is our second chance Bucky!... We can do whatever we want,…” Steve’s smile was infectious and Bucky let out a huff of air and shook his head with a small smirk reaching up to hold Steve’s pam against his face and then turned into his hand and planted a small kiss, eyes staying locked with Steve’s. 

Bucky reached forward with his flesh hand and wiped at Steve’s eyes with exaggerated annoyance.

“You ain’t suppose to be the one crying here Cap!” Bucky’s voice was horse from crying, but his tone was light. Steve caught his hand and returned the kiss to Bucky’s knuckles, each one. He then looked Bucky in the eye with deliberate intent and picked up his metal hand that had been resting on his thigh. Steve made a point of holding the metal appendage that Bucky still avoided touching him with. He looked down at the metal arm and hand, caressing it gently before bringing the hand to his lips as he kissed those knuckles as well.

Bucky watched him with a shudder and swallowed before he rose his gaze to Steve’s when the Captain set down his hand, interlocking their fingers.

“I don’t,… I don’t know how I feel about,… about us,… about,… the stuff we do,… at night.” Bucky blushed hard and looked away, never able to really talk about their no secret intimacy.

“I love you Bucky,… always have, always will!... Where we go from here is up to you,… I will follow your lead Pal,… whatever you want,… or don’t want.” Steve’s expression was sincere and earnest as he nodded. Bucky swallowed and looked down at their hands held together, flesh and metal in Steve’s lap.

“I wish I could forget about everything Hydra did to me,… and everything they made me do.” Bucky’s words were whispered, and he sighed. 

Steve had no reply so instead he just used his free hand to gently brush through Bucky’s hair. With a wary sigh Bucky closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. They stayed like that for a few long moments until Bucky laid back into the bed and pulled Steve towards him. The Captain pulled the covers down and then over them both as Bucky pressed his back against Steve’s front and kept their fingers linked, safe in Steve’s embrace as he drifted into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Bucky is not magically all better but at least he knows now where his anxiety over sexual intimacy has been coming from. Trauma like that never goes away but he is resilient and will learn how to process and deal with it.


	23. I see you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: We are nearing the end of this tail,… hang in their yall!

The next few days were hard for Bucky, who’s nightmares left him exhausted and on edge, dark circles under his eyes. He avoided interacting with the team and barley spoke to anyone but Steve and his therapist who increased his evening medication to assist with sleep and combat the renewed intensity of night terrors. Perhaps the worst had been the morning after he had remembered, when he asked Steve with a nervous tremor in his voice if the other Avengers knew about Hydra’s sexual abuse. The Captain had nodded slowly, and Bucky’s face crumbled before he ran his hands through his hair and turned away, asking to be left alone as he locked himself in his room. Since then he had not brought it up again but simply isolated himself and refused to leave the medical suite. 

Steve tried not to push him as recommended by the Therapist who suggested that Bucky needed time to process how he felt and come to terms with it before he could be expected to move forward. Sam did his best to be there for the Captain and tried to keep him focused on other things, but Steve still felt a sense of anxiety and restless agitation at his own inability to fix this wrong. 

It was Natasha who finally interrupted Bucky’s seclusion by forcing him to join her on a six day excursion out of the city to a safe house she and Clint used in upstate New York. The trip was sudden and without notice as Steve was left with a neatly hand written note from the Widow simply stating that she and Barnes were going to the country for a bit and that she would check in every evening but that they needed space.

The Captain paced his room that first night, fingers itching to call and text Natasha for the tenth time but resisting only because she had turned off her phone after his fifth call that evening. Each day Steve felt like climbing the walls and no amount of time spent in the gym, or consulting with military combat units, running drills and training could settle the discomfort and edgy feeling that kept him up at night and distracted during the day. He tried to re-read literature on how to support survivors of trauma but the words would not absorb and instead he found his mind wandering, a nauseous cramp in his gut as he pictured Bucky forced to submit to Hydra’s perverted abuse. Steve felt worse than he had in all the months since they had rescued Bucky and he couldn’t help but obsessively worry that his friend was suffering somewhere alone. 

This thought was challenged by his awareness that his best friend was in fact not alone because Natasha was there with Bucky but that only made him feel somehow more dejected, wanting to be the one to comfort the man he loved in his time of need. Steve knew he was being selfish and that added to his mounting guilt, compounding his own feelings of helplessness and frustration. 

On the third day of Bucky’s absence Sam and Bruce managed to convince Steve he needed to go talk with Bucky’s therapist who helped him to open up and process his own intense emotions and feelings related to Bucky’s abuse. Steve had been reluctant at first to talk about himself and only wanted to focus on how he could help Bucky but eventually he accepted that he was struggling to deal with his own reaction and realization of what his lover had been subjected to and his guilt over their intimacy. Steve admitted that he blamed himself for triggering Bucky’s flash back and managed to vocalize his uncertainty on how to support Bucky through his trauma.

Even though Steve had spoken with the Therapist before regarding how to safely explore sexual intimacy with Bucky and issues of consent, the proper gentleman within Steve Rodgers limited how in-depth he was willing to discuss with the female therapist who was in her late 50’s and reminded Steve of one of the nuns at his Catholic school. When she did push him for specifics on what he was worried about related to his sexual relationship with Bucky, Steve turned a deeper shade of red and struggled to communicate his thoughts. With patience and professional support, the Captain begrudgingly agreed to write down some of his fears on paper and allow the Therapist to look them over so they could address those concerns the following day. 

Steve took his time considering how he could best ask his questions without talking about specifics and settled on three main points of concern.   
1\. How can I make sure that I don’t trigger a flashback when we are in bed together?  
2\. How can I make sure he wants to do whatever it is we are doing and not just complying?  
3\. How do I even begin talking to him about any of this?

The Captain blushed and thanked Dr. McKenzie as he handed her the folded paper and immediately left the room, feeling incredibly embarrassed and uncomfortable but knowing that her insight would be helpful.

The next day Steve sat nervous and stiff Infront of the therapist who smiled at him politely and offered her observation of his obvious discomfort. She then explained to the Captain that the simple answer to his first two questions was that he couldn’t control or prevent every flashback and that he would learn through time what sexual actions would be more likely to trigger his partner. She rationalized that Steve was already very Intune with Bucky’s shifting state of consciousness and that he would just need to watch for certain behaviors that were indictive of the compliant asset as oppose to the way Bucky would typically reciprocate their intimacy. She recommended a safe word or way for Steve to check in with Bucky if he was uncertain or concerned about something they were doing. She then went on to encourage Steve to be honest about his own thoughts and feelings about his fear of hurting Bucky and that showing his uncertainty and vulnerability would let Bucky know that they both were figuring things out together and the power dynamic would be less one sided.

Steve had no choice but to accept his own limitations and inability to protect Bucky from his horrific memories of trauma. Still, the idea of touching the man he loved and triggering the fear, shame and degradation that he knew was tied to the violation of his manhood made the Captain apprehensive and conflicted. He wanted Bucky, in every way he could want another living soul, and he carved the touch and feel of his lover, of the man who completed him. However, his own sexual desire made him feel disgusted with himself as he pictured the shattered expression on Bucky’s face when he remembered the sick and perverse abuse he suffered all because Hydra knew that he and Captain America had been lovers. These thoughts were twisted in Steve’s gut and left him anxiously anticipating Bucky’s return.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

It was late in the evening of the seventh day and Steve was sitting next to Sam who was watching a basketball game excitedly while the Captain stared at the screen without really seeing anything. He offered small smiles and nods whenever Sam would shout or stand up and talk at the TV with exaggerated gestures, but his mind was a thousand miles away, unfocused and distracted. 

“Basketball huh?... Was never really big on it,… we were always more into Baseball as kids.” Steve’s head shot up, as he turned toward the doorway where Bucky was standing with his hands in his jean pockets, a duffle bag slung over his leather jacket. Natasha was leaning casually in the door frame and rolled her eyes.

“God you would grandpa,… slowest, boring game ever played!” She teased as she followed him in, smirking at Steve’s shocked expression that was transforming into a flustered blush as his eyes darted between his returned friends before he stood quickly and walked around the couch, hesitating a few feet away, unsure if he should grab Bucky in the crushing hug he wanted to. Bucky gave him an amused expression before offering a gentle smirk and shook his head, closing distance as he set his bag down and slowly pulled Steve into his embrace.

“Hey there Cap… Glade to see me?” Bucky teased as he felt Steve let out a sigh of relief, the weeks’ tension dissipating as he melted in Bucky’s arms.

“You have no idea!” Steve whispered back, voice brimming with emotion.

“You’d think we were gone for months.” Natasha quipped as she sauntered over toward Sam and snagged a handful of Doritos from his offered bag. Sam gave her a steady look, eyebrows raised in the silent communication that asked how things went. She exchanged the wordless expression with Sam that the two had perfected over the months of helping both Steve and Bucky heal and recover from the trauma of Hydra. A small smile and nod with a minute shrug let him know that she had managed to get the Sergeant to open up and accept what happened but that he was still struggling.

“You okay Buck?” Steve asked quietly as he stepped back, worried eyes searching his friend’s calm, but pensive expression. Bucky nodded with a huff and offered a shrug, bending down to pick up his duffle bag.

“Better than I was,… Nat is good at shutting down a pity party.” Bucky mused as he gave a small nod at the Red head and then walked past Steve with a pat on his shoulder towards his bedroom.

“Barnes.” Sam nodded in acknowledgment and Bucky offered a tight lipid smile and nod, making eye contact but briefly.

“Wilson.” He responded as he walked past him and opened his door before disappearing inside, leaving it cracked as an obvious invitation for Steve to join him in privacy.

“Drinks upstairs?” Natasha asked Sam with a nod toward the exit of the suite. He glanced back toward the T.V and sighed as he ate another Chip.

“Yea these boys are playing like they haven’t even seen a basketball before!” He smirked and turned toward Steve who offered a polite smile but his eyes communicated his anxious energy as he glanced toward Bucky’s bed room. Sam took a few steps forward and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Remember Steve,… You can’t fix everything,… just let him sort this out and offer support when he askes.” Sam gave Steve a firm nod and The Captain swallowed and nodded back before thanking Natasha who gave him a kiss on his cheek as she headed for the exit, snagging a few more Doritos from Sam who grumbled at her as he followed.

Steve took a deep breath and wiped his face before heading toward the ajar doorway, peaking into the brightly lit bedroom. Bucky’s duffle bag was left open on the bed and Steve glance at it before heading through the room toward the open balcony door where his friend, a man he loved without condition, stood overlooking the twilight skyline of the city. Without any words Steve joined Bucky, resting his palms on the cool railing as he glanced at Bucky’s side profile and cocked an eye brow at the cigarette that dangled in his friend’s lips. Bucky took a drag and then removed the cigarette, blowing out smoke with a sigh before he ashed the embers over the edge. Both sets of blue eyes tracked the ash as it dissipated in the wind 46 floors above New York city. 

They remained silent for a few more moments before Bucky spoke, voice quiet and thoughtful as he stared down at the butt of the cigarette.

“I forgot why I liked cigarettes,… I remembered why I never smoked around you though.” Bucky smirked and he looked over at Steve with a fond smile. “Even just the smell on my cloths use to give you an asthma attack.” Bucky looked over at a trash can and flicked the butt in before raising his pale blue eyes to meet Steve’s ocean blue ones.

“I never really craved em’ back before the war,… but,… during,…” He looked away, eyes growing distant and brow pinched. “Those nights with the commandos around the fire, passing whiskey and smokes, just trying to keep warm and pretend everything was okay,… like all the death and evil we saw that day couldn’t touch us as long as we didn’t talk about it.” Bucky closed his eyes and winced for a moment before he stepped back and turned to lean against the railing, dragging his gaze back toward Steve who quietly waited and listened, expression considerate and caring, facing his friend with both hands pocketed so he wouldn’t reach out before Bucky was ready to be touched.

“The way they smell,… the smoke,… I have all these,… memories, some good,… but,…some of them not so much.” Bucky swallowed and lowered his gaze again. “The smell of the smoke reminds me of The Red room, of Russian Guards, of cigarette burns.” He looked back at Steve who’s jaw clenched as he breathed through his noise.

“Rumlow wasn’t the first scumbag who liked using me for an ashtray…” Bucky grunted and shook his head with a sneer of disgust, turning away again and looking over the city, as he leaned over the railing. He closed his eyes for a moment, a wince of phantom pain painted his face before he took in a deep breath and blinked open his eyes. Steve watched quietly as Bucky taped each finger of both hands on the railing, ten taps for a breath in and ten for a breath out. It was one of his many copping strategies encouraged by the Psychiatric team. Steve remained patient and quiet as Bucky repeated the count, fingers slowing as his breathing evened until he swallowed and nodded, a determined expression fixed in place.

“But I ain’t a God damn ashtray,…. Or a weapon...or a whore!…..And I will never let anyone make me an Asset,… not again,…. Not as long as I got a mind of my own and a choice.” Bucky squared his shoulders as he turned back toward Steve, his gaze was intense and strong but also watery with emotion. He let out a shuddered breath and licked his lips before he bit the side of his mouth and stepped forward slowly. Steve stood up strait and let his hands hang loose at his side.

“You helped me remember who I really am Stevie,… not what Hydra tried to make me into,… and,… as long as you still see me,… Still see me and not,… not the things I’ve done,…. The things I did that …I,…”Bucky’s voice choked and he paused looking away and taking another breath, as the first few tears trickled down his cheeks. Steve took a step forward and reached out for Bucky’s metal hand, linking their fingers together and nodding.

“I see you Bucky,… I know you,… and I have nothing but respect and admiration for the courage you have, even after they tried to destroy everything you are.” Steve’s words were simple, honest and true, spoken as fact. Bucky blinked looking away as he wiped at his eyes and offered a small chuckle.

“I can’t believe that after years of conditioning all it takes is some sappy lines from Captain America to make me cry like a baby.” Bucky joked, deflecting away from the intensity of his emotions.

“Hey,…” Steve reached up and cupped Bucky’s cheek, bring his watery gaze to meet his own steadfast stare. “Remember what the Doc said Bucky… Hydra forced you to act like you felt nothing, they made you dissociate from your emotions for so long that now everything is going to be feel more intense, the good and the bad! Remember?” Steve prompted and Bucky nodded and looked away again, wiping his face before he took a few small steps forward and rest his head on Steve’s shoulder as the Captain wrapped him in his arms.

“Yea Stevie, I remember… and I’ll try not to forget.” Bucky breathed out with a muffled, wet laugh, another joke that was not funny. Steve sighed and hugged him closer as he kissed the side of Bucky’s head and whispered in his ear.

“It’s okay if you forget,… because I will always be here to remind you!” Steve’s words, like Bucky’s were loaded and spoke of all they had been through in the past few months and everything that laid ahead of their future. It was a promise that echoed their love and commitment of friendship from a life time ago, till the end of the line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End……. JK!... There are a few more chapters that will serve as a sort of epilogue. Those chapters will take place about a year or so later in this timeline. Hope you have enjoyed reading so far.


	24. Mission ready

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: So the last few chapters are taking place about 20 months since they first brought the Winter Soldier to the Avenger’s tower. He was taken home in early March and this is the following year mid-November. He has grown in his recovery and he and Steve in their relationship but of course I could not just skip ahead to the sexy happy ending because I wanted to bridge the gab with how the previous chapter ended… don’t give up, we are close to the finish line dear readers!

Sergeant Barnes stood at the edge of the woods, smoking a cigarette as his left, metal hand smoothly flipped his knife, blue eyes scanning the horizon as he watched the approaching SHEILD stealth jets. He bit his bottom lip as he felt the desperate urge to run shoot up his spine like hot coals even as a phantom whisper that sounded like Peirce ordered him to stay put. Without a moment’s thought his body reacted and he threw his knife with deadly precision at the approaching figure behind him. The blade bounced off the force field projected from Natasha’s widow bite and she remained 10 feet away, shield up and eyebrow arched, stance ready for a defensive fight.

Bucky froze and blinked rapidly, before striating his fighting stance and turning away, tucking the loose stands that had fallen out of his ponytail back behind his ears. He clenched his metal fist and pinched the bridge of his nose with his flesh hand as he counted to 10. Bucky listened as she approached with deliberately loud steps, the frosted grass crunching beneath her in the new dawn of a chilly November day. He let out a calming breath and rolled his shoulders, looking back up just as the first stealth jet flew over them headed for the smoldering Hydra base where the other Avengers were securing the scene after a particularly intense battle that lasted longer than most.

Natasha looked up at the Jets and then at Bucky who had not met her eyes, gaze fixated on the arriving infantry of SHEILD agents who came to clean up whatever intel was left after another successful mission in the never ending battle to eradicate the remaining heads of Hydra.

“They tired to use the trigger words?” Natasha asked, already knowing the answer. Bucky swallowed and nodded once, still not meeting her face. She studied him for another moment and then heard the crackle of her com device as Steve’s voice sounded out.

“Base secured and SHEILD agents on sight, anyone have eyes on Barnes?” The Captain’s tone rang with authority and a hint of concern.

“Got him, meet back at the quinjet.” Natasha answered turning off the com just as they heard Stark’s sarcastic comment about being fine also and appreciating Steve’s concern. The Widow rolled her eyes and Bucky let out a huff and shook his head.

“Clint said you got through it but got lost after?” Natasha questioned, aware that with over a year and a half of recovery behind him, Bucky had still only been cleared for active combat duty the past few months against Steve’s wishes but with probationary approval from SHEILD’s Psych department. The med team that had been working with the POW since the beginning of his psychological rehabilitation had voiced their concerns as well but ultimately stated that it should be Bucky’s decision and that his self-agency had to be respected. 

Even with clearance and approval from SHEILD and the other medical professionals Steve had still adamantly refused to allow Bucky to join the Avengers during active combat missions and the argument created a tension between the two Super Soldiers for several weeks up until Steve was seriously injured at one of the Hydra raids and the Sergeant argued that he had no right to prevent him from being in the field where at least he could watch his reckless friend’s back. The argument was explosive and lasted over a week with Sergeant Barnes packing his bag and leaving as soon as Steve’s injuries had completely healed. Bucky made the deceleration that he would live on his own and fight Hydra by himself, storming out of their apartment and taking off on his custom motorcycle, a birthday gift from Stark. 

Steve was every bit as stubborn as the man he loved but it only took a few hours and six destroyed punching bags before he was chasing down his best guy to drag him back to the Avengers tower. The confrontation at 3 am on the side of a road in upstate New York escalated from yelling to throwing punches as Steve fought to restrain his friend until anger gave way to broken anguish with Bucky on his knees in tears begging Steve to let him fight by his side. The Captain relented but was still convinced Bucky needed more time healing and had been protectively concerned during each mission they had gone on together for almost three months.  
The former Asset swallowed and nodded again as he turned away from Natasha and walked over toward where his knife had fallen after deflected by her force field. He picked it up and cleaned it off before sliding it back where he had pulled it from in his waist. 

“Any idea why this one was harder?” The Widow asked with a neutral tone as she watched him shift his weight and deliberately avoid eye contact. He shrugged and took a few steps away toward the rendezvous point.

“Barnes,… “ Natasha called and he stopped in his tracks as he sighed, waiting for her to catch up to him. He felt her eyes on him and swallowed again as she walked up and stood Infront of him, observing his discomfort and edge of anxiousness.

“Why was it harder this time to fight the trigger words?” She asked him point blank and Bucky looked away with a huff of irritation, fingers itching for another cigarette.

“Why?... So you can write it up in your report for Fury and the rest of SHEILD! Make sure you document anytime the Soldier takes over so the Docs can order me out of the field?” Bucky grumbled as he tried to walk past her but she grabbed his wrist and instantly he spun around with a snarl.

“Hey!,… I support you being out here with us! You know I told Fury that I thought you could handle active combat missions and Clint and I both agreed to monitor your performance and report back,… a deal you agreed to also… Don’t act like we are against you Barnes.” Natasha’s voice started off a challenge and then went soft as he reluctantly dropped his eyes and nodded, looking briefly over his shoulder as Ironman sailed over head toward the SHIELD jets that had landed. Bucky swallowed and looked back down where Natasha’s hand had slid from grabbing his metal wrist to holding his hand. He looked back up into her face that offered a soft smile as she tugged him toward the Queinjet.

“You haven’t been triggered in over six months,… and the Doc said she is still repeating them every week with you during exposure therapy sessions.” Natasha stated as she walked slowly with his hand in hers. 

“So,…was it the words,… or was it the man who spoke them?” The Widow asked softly as they made their way through the woods back toward the plane that would take them home, far away from the smoldering wreckage of Hydra. Bucky swallowed and glanced at her for a moment before looking straight ahead.

“He wasn’t the worst,… but,… yea,… hearing the words from him,… It definitely hit me hard.” Bucky paused and bit his lip again as he shook his head, eyes squinted before he turned toward her.

“I killed him,… Didn’t I?” His words were unsure and underlined with the fear of not being able to recall exactly what happened between when he was in the base with Clint until he was standing at the clearing smoking his cigarette. She nodded simply and squeezed his hand, eyes watching the anxious realization filter through his face.

“Shit!” Bucky muttered because he was trying to improve his lethal impulses and had been doing well thus far on the past several missions since getting approval for Active duty as an Avenger.

“Clint said you stabbed the Hydra officer in between his legs and cut up to his throat… You were cursing him in Russian and then went quiet once he was dead… Wouldn’t respond to your name, just cleaned your blade and walked out.” Natasha spoke without inflection, simply stating the facts as Bucky bit his lip again and started pulling at the collar of his navy blue combat jacket, eyes blinking as his expression grew more agitated.

“Shit,… Does,… Dose Steve know?” Bucky asked as he clenched and unclenched his fists again and again, buzzing with nervous energy.

“He’s going to Barnes,… you already know that’s the deal… You are cleared for combat as long as you are in control,… when you aren’t, it’s time for a break and a check in with the Docs.” Natasha offered a soft smile and took his hand once more, pulling him in the direction of their teammates. 

They walked in silence, the Sergeant with his head down and eyes glazed over, consumed in thought that Natasha knew better then to disturb. As they made their way toward the Quinjet they saw the Captain talking with Clint and Sam, all three looking up with serious expressions as The Widow and former Hydra Asset approached. The Captain took a few steps in their direction, eyes scanning his teammates and watching Bucky for signs of potential violence. The look Steve was giving him made the Sergeant feel like he was a bomb about to go off and he glared resentfully toward the Captain, letting go of Natasha’s hand and storming past him toward the on ramp of the Quinjet.  
“Sergent!” Steve barked at Bucky who slowed down and let out a sigh as he clench his fists. He didn’t turn around but heard Natasha’s voice chime in.

“He’s not a threat,… Just needs to be away from here.” There was a moment of tense silence before the Captain relented.

“Alright, Sam and Clint,… you guys head back to New York with Sergeant Barnes, Nat and I will stay with Stark and debrief SHEILD. Alert the medical team about what happened.” The Captain ordered and Bucky felt a boiling anger rise up from the humiliation of being treated like mental patient despite the truth of that label.

“You want them to strap me down on a gurney and dope me up for the flight back too?” Bucky snapped and Steve turned back around and stared hard at Bucky before turning his gaze toward Clint and Sam.

“It’s at your discretion Barton, Wilson… Do you feel safe flying Back with Sergent Barnes given his current hostile behavior, or will sedation and restraints be necessary?” The question was directed at the others, but the communication was directly between Steve and Bucky, a battle between two stubborn men who both wanted the same thing, for the other to be safe and out of harms way.

“No,… We got this right Barnes?” Sam offered in the vacuum of tense silence created between the two super soldiers who glared at each other with contempt.

“Yea, It was a long night for all of us,… we just need to get back and unwind.” Clint chimed in and stepped out of the way as Bucky turned away from Steve and stalked up into the jet, radiating anger and resentment. Sam watched Bucky move into the back and drop dramatically into a back seat, face locked in a furious grimace as he once again began spinning his knife. The VA counselor looked back as Steve who asked with his eyes if Sam was certain he and Barton were safe.  
“We got this.” Sam saluted and Clint nodded at Steve and Natasha both.

As the Jet took off Steve huffed an irritated sigh as he shook his head, Natasha right behind him.

“I told you all he wasn’t ready!... He should not be out here with us!” The Captain spoke with a frustrated sigh and turned to face Natasha who crossed her arms.  
“No offense Steve but that is not a decision you get to make for him,… he needs to be given control over his life.” Natasha countered as Steve gritted his teeth.

“NAT, that is the point,… He is not in control,… He gutted that man like a fish,…behaving like a complete psychopath!” Steve whispered as he glanced around as if afraid SHEILD would hear him and take Bucky away to be locked up indefinitely.

“Steve,… He is only going to continue improving his resistance toward Hydra programming if he challenges himself… He can’t live in the protective bubble of Avengers tower for the rest of his life, knowing we are fighting and he is unable to help.” She tried to help him understand but he shook his head.

“He has made so much progress already Nat! And all it took for him to flip his switch was one Hydra Officer who actually knew how to pronounce the damn trigger words.” Steve huffed with exasperation.

“But in the face of those words he fought back Steve,… He did not comply.” The Widow pointed out and he shook his head.

“No, but he still reacted as the Winter Soldier and not As Sergeant Barnes… He didn’t even respond to his own name!” Steve shook his head again as he removed his helmet and took a deep breath before looking back up. “Bucky hasn’t dissociated like that in months Nat! He’s come so far,… I won’t let him regress back into that madness, … I can’t!” Steve’s anger was tempered by his more genuine feelings of love and the need to protect his best friend’s delicate grasp on sanity and self-identity.

“Steve,… stop assuming that you have any control over his mental health and just accept him at where ever he is. Right now, he needs support not judgment on how he reacted when faced with a man who tried to enslave him.” Natasha chastised.

“Nat he should never be faced with that possibility. He is too stubborn for his own good and is too comfortable with lethal violence. I am trying to help him remember he is more then just a weapon but his pride is pushing him to constantly try to prove himself.” Steve vented and Natasha countered.

“He wants redemption Steve, and yes, maybe he is trying to prove himself! With every mission he is proving that now he can choose when and how he uses his skills instead of being forced to comply. Don’t take that away from him Cap. Don’t treat him like he is damaged or defective because that is going to make him feel even more vulnerable and less confident in his ability to be a man instead of an Asset. He is a fighter,…. Let him fight!” The Widow stated with a degree of her own frustration. She walked away to go address Maria Hill as Steve was left exasperated and on edge, running his hands through his sweaty golden hair.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The plane ride was quiet and thick with tension and despite Bucky making it clear he wanted to be left alone he was not so lucky. Sam came into the back of the plane and sat down leaning back as he waited for Bucky’s pouting expression to acknowledge him. After another few moments of silence and no eye contact Sam sighed and spoke.

“Do you know why you killed that man Sergeant Barnes?” Sam asked with the same matter of fact tone Natasha often used. Bucky didn’t look at him and kept flipping his knife. He offered a shrug and then mumbled an answer.

“Hydra scum,… deserved to die.” Bucky swallowed as he blinked, wanting desperately for Sam to leave him alone and not ask anything else about the Hydra Officer who’s familiar face and oily voice sent sickening shivers through his skin and made his stomach cramp.

“I have no doubt that the guy was an asshole,… but, if you recall the objective of these missions is to capture Hydra personal alive so we can gain more intel. Most of the Hydra officers up to this point have either escaped, or committed suicide with those damn Cyanide pills. This one could have given us some insight into which international banking institutions are directly connected to Hydra,… He was their chef finical advisor for Eur-Asia.” Sam sighed as he watched Bucky closely.   
The Sergeant swallowed as he thought about the Hydra Officer and remembered vague details about Human trafficking and the sex trade in Eastern Europe and Southeast Asia. Bucky swallowed again ignoring the nausea and focused on his blade, the metal shinning in his vision, a distraction from the echos of memory he didn’t want to think about.

“He had no real power at Hydra,… Son of a Bitch was just well connected and knew how to laundered money from Sex trafficking through private charter boat companies that transported their cargo internationally as pleasure cruises for other rich perverts. He just wanted to party and flaunt his wealth,… didn’t give a rats ass about Hydra’s ideology. The title was just superficial, feeding his ego while he provided entertainment for Hydra’s wealthy investors.” Bucky’s voice was dark and cynical, eyes fixed on the spinning blade in his metal hand. “Stark could easily track his overseas accounts and gain access to where funds are being transferred to and what organizations are receiving his charitable donations.” Bucky spoke with a flat affect as he continued to watch his blade flip through his hand, face a mask of deliberate calm.

“So he was a rich Pervert,… is that why you stabbed him in the genitals Sergeant?” Sam asked with a calm relaxed tone. 

Bucky shrugged again casually but then closed his eyes, jaw locked as he winced from another flash of memory that tore through him, breaking into a cold sweat as he swallowed back the bile in his throat. He took in a shuddered breath as he opened his eyes and looked down at the now still knife that was clutched tight in his metal grip. His gaze was glossed over as he stared at the razor edge of his favorite knife and felt a coldness spread over him that he recognized as the Winter Soldier programing. He shut his eyes hard and shook his head as he grit his teeth, flesh hand tapping each finger on the armrest as he counted silently, lips moving. 

It took a few deep breaths before he felt the coldness drain away and when he opened eyes once more he looked up at Sam who was sitting very still, also looking at the knife held expertly in the Soldier’s weaponized hand. From the cock pit Clint had emerged, keeping his distance but watching carefully. Bucky looked at both men and then blinked rapidly before tucking the knife away, forcing himself to sit still, both hands in fists on top of his thighs as he stared hard at the ground, still avoiding their watchful gaze.

“You should probably speak with Dr. McKenzie when we get back Sergeant…” Sam stated simply and Bucky huffed a bitter laugh as he folded his arms over his stomach that was now feeling even worse, the familiar twist of shame cutting open the wounds he tried to keep hidden and bandaged. Sam sat forward slightly but Bucky kept his head down and wouldn’t meet his friend’s eyes. 

“You don’t have to tell us why you killed him like that, but you do need to talk about it with the Docs.” The Falcon spoke with a low, calm voice. He watched Bucky intently until the Sergeant reluctantly nodded, still avoiding their eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End note: Almost at the end but a bit more to come and smut at the end of this never ending angst fest I swear!


	25. Flip his switch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Not sure if I lost some of ya because of the longer break between updates. Only two chapters left after this one. Hope yall hang in there and let me know what ya think.

It was mid-afternoon when the Quinjet carrying Captain America, Ironman and the Black Widow arrived at the Avengers tower after an exhausting morning of debriefing with SHEILD after the destruction of one of the more complex and sophisticated Hydra strong holds in Eastern Europe. Director Fury expressed his concern in a very matter of fact tone regarding the gruesome scene left behind by the former Winter Soldier and demanded the Sergeant be grounded from field missions until given a complete psychological re-evaluation by SHEILD’s Psychiatric team. This meant that after only three months of active duty, Sergeant Barnes would have to submit to yet another 5 day intensive observation at a secure facility. The first one had taken several months for Bucky to get comfortable and confident enough to allow himself to be subjected to an array of psychological tests and assessments of his mental stability. When he had returned to the Avenger’s tower, he had acted unfazed and brazenly confident in the face of his team mates but in private he admitted to Steve that it had been terrifying and not something he would ever volunteer for willingly.

The Captain had assured his friend that as long as he felt in control of his own actions and could choose how he responded to the world around him instead of deferring to Authority figures or displaying any other Winter Soldier protocol behaviors, he would be considered mentally competent. However, Steve had emphatically refused to accept that Bucky should be allowed to fight on missions against known Hydra forces. He begged the man he loved to work as a consultant with SHEILD intel or to go and assist with relief work on any of Stark industries many foreign aid missions. James Buchanan Barnes had argued that Steve’s fighting style was just as reckless and self- endangering as it had ever been during the War and even before as a punk in Brooklyn. For that reason, he needed to watch his friend’s back and fight alongside with the other Avengers. 

Now, less than 2 years after he was rescued from Rumlow’s order to kill himself, Bucky had reverted back to the mentality of the Winter Soldier and gutted a man who had tried to manipulate him. Steve felt both relived and disturbed by Bucky’s actions just as the others had but his main concern as always was how this gruesome, violent outburst affected his best friend’s mental health and what it meant for his still developing sense of self.

Steve walked with heavy steps toward the apartment he shared with Bucky, the two Soldier’s moving out of the medical suite almost a year ago just before Christmas. It was a private east wing suite with a large balcony that had a jacuzzi and view of the sun rise over Central park. The Captain entered the apartment and knew instantly that Bucky was not there. He had grown accustomed to coming home after a mission and Bucky instantly putting on a record, something old and soft, the melody coxing Steve to relax and put down his Shield and all of his defenses. The two soldiers had made a routine of ordering food from Toney’s personal Chefs, taking a long hot shower, eating every bite of the gourmet meal, and then spending the rest of the day or night in the hot tub on the balcony or in bed together. It had taken a major adjustment for Steve to force himself to take time off, even for just 24 hrs to unwind before throwing himself into the next press briefing, SHEILD meeting, mission or any assortment of activities that demanded his attention immediately. Sam, who had unofficially appointed himself as Avengers Mental Health Advocate, had told him that taking a break after a stressful battle was a good thing for all of the Avengers himself included. After the past few months of Mission: Take it easy, as Bucky had jokingly termed there private decompression routine, Steve was certainly in agreement.

The Captain set down his Shield and backpack by the door before heading towards the shower.

“Jarvis where is Sergent Barns right now?” Steve asked with a tired voice as he entered the bathroom and began stripping off his uniform.

Sir, Sergent Barns has been in his personal Gym for the past 4 hours. He has requested to be left alone.

“Of course.” Steve grumbled as he placed his under armor in the laundry shoot and then stepped into the large shower, turning on the hot water. In truth Steve could not fault Bucky for needing to be alone and working through whatever flashback or programming had triggered him to act with such horrific aggression. He had watched the surveillance tap on repeat in the plane ride back until Natasha and Stark had refused to let him continue. He had seen the footage first from Director Fury and Maria Hill as they debriefed after the mission. It was their first time witnessing the unleashed brutality of the Winter Soldier’s handy work firsthand, having only seen corpses before.

The Captain felt sick to his stomach as he watched his best friend, the man he loved, charge toward the Hydra Officer who was hastily shouting the trigger words over a loudspeaker. The Sergeant tore through Hydra guards with lightning speed as Hawk Eye tried his best to following Bucky’s blind rage with back up shots to cover all the Hydra guards on upper levels taking aim at the rampaging former Asset. The Winter Soldier had slammed his metal fist into the reinforced glass of the observation both over and over as he screamed a mix of Russian and German cries of rage until it gave way and leapt through the shards of glass. Instantly his metal hand was wrapped around the target’s throat, lifting him into the air. Bucky was growling as he plunged his largest serrated knife up between his victims legs and began sawing up through the man’s body who was screaming and begging for mercy. Clint landed in the observation room but froze in momentary shock before backing up, bow drawn low in a defensive posture as he watched the gruesome execution. The Winter Soldier was spitting curses in every language as he sawed his blade through the man’s abdomen and up through his torso before finally cutting strait up through the sarcophagus and then out with brutal force. He continued to hold the writhing man in the air by the back of his head as he watched the panicked eyes bulge, blood pooling to the floor. When at last the chocked gasps ended Bucky through the body with cry of hate, slamming the deceased man’s face into the metal floor with such force every bone was smashed. He then stood up, breathing heavy but silent as he cleaned his blade using the man’s silk tie. He tossed it at the dead man with a grow and walked away toward the shattered glass he had just exploded through. Clint had kept his distance, bow still lowered but ready as he called out to Bucky, using every version of his name he could with no effect, the Soldier moving with a steady, calm pace, no hesitation or pause of recognition that he even acknowledged Hawkeye in the room. Barton was left shaking his head as he used the com device to alert the others that the Sergeant ‘had flipped his switch,’ the term Tony used to refer to Bucky’s dissociative states that had been no longer an issue, or so they had thought.

As Steve dried off and changed into lounge clothes, he grabbed his phone and texted Sam.

-Has Bucky been seen by the Doctors?-

He stared hard at his phone in the vacuum of silence within the empty apartment, feeling a hollow ach in his chest as if Bucky was gone again.

-Yea, Doc mandated minimum two weeks off and recommends remote R & R.-

Wilson texted back as if he had been waiting with his phone ready. Steve considered the reply and instantly thought of ware he and Bucky could go that would be safely away from other people and could serve as a restful and relaxed environment. 

-Pepper suggested Beach house on private Island. I Bet Barnes would go for that. -

Steve thought about the suggestion and wondered if Bucky would be willing to go or if he would be stubborn and insist he was fine. Steve ruminated about what he would do with a sulking, angry and defiant James Buchannan Barnes on a secluded island for two weeks. His phone buzzed again, and he looked down at Sam’s third text after no reply from the Captain.

-You good man?-

Steve stared at the text for a moment and then swallowed.

-I’m fine. Bucky is in his Gym.- 

Steve understood the purpose of Bucky’s personal Gym and didn’t want to violate his need for privacy. The Gym was three connected rooms that served as Bucky’s safe place, where he could go when he needed to be alone. Bucky had been struggling to voice this need for seclusion as he was worried Steve might feel like he was shutting him out or pushing him away after months of spending almost every moment together. The Lead therapist on Bucky’s team had invited Steve to join for a session where she encouraged Bucky to express his need for privacy and time alone. The Captain had understood that as Bucky began to remember more of himself, his sense of dignity and pride would certainly be a source of discord and he might feel embarrassed about his past behavior when he was still trapped in Hydra programming and willing to submit unconditionally to Authority figures.

It was his need for space and seclusion from other people including Steve, a place he could go to fall apart and then regroup when feeling overwhelmed that lead to the personalized gym. In the main room was an assortment of wights and exercise machines in one are, punching bags in another and targets he could hit and fight with pent up aggression, taking out his anger, hatred and pain safely on inanimate objects. There were two doors from the main room, the one on the right was small and dimly lit with padded walls, thick carpet, pillows, blankets and a large, memory foam filled chair that Bucky could curl up and hid deep within. In this sanctuary room Bucky would remain either in silence, with music or with a projector playing a loop of recorded footage of Steve and himself from the War time movie reels. The room on the left was a large bathroom with a jacuzzi tub, shower stall, steam room and Suna. Bucky spent many sleepless nights and difficult days in his private gym but there had been an agreement that no one, including Steve would disturb his solitude unless he had not voluntarily consumed any nutrition or water in 12 hours as monitored by Jarvis. Steve felt a spike of annoyance as he knew that he would have to wait at least 8 hours before he could go drag Bucky away from his isolation.

-Want to come up to my floor? Lunch?-

Sam offered, already aware of the time frame Steve had agreed to and how restless this often made The Captain. Steve sighed and made himself agree, realizing it was almost 3 pm in the afternoon and he was hungry. He texted Sam back be there in 10 and then looked up and spoke to Jarvis, a habit he had yet to break.

“Jarvis,… has Bucky eaten since he got back to the tower?”

No Captain, he has been drinking water however, he has expelled most of his liquid intake throughout the day. He is not in immediate danger of dehydration at this time. I will continue to monitor. 

Steve swallowed and nodded, reminding himself that he had agreed to give Bucky his space and that his questions and need to know what happened during the mission had to be second to whatever Bucky was dealing with. It had been less common over the last few months for Bucky to get physically sick after nightmares or flashbacks and he had been managing to extract himself from social situations if he felt a panic attack emerging. 

James Buchanan Barnes had always been a proud, dashing young man with a cocky bravado in the face of whatever forces were set against him. Steve knew that Bucky had always put on a brave face even when he was feeling worse for ware and he hated for people to see him sick or vulnerable. He had even tried not to cry over it one drunken night when they were just kids who didn’t know how to drink yet. Bucky had thrown up on a girl’s shoes when he spun her too many times on the dance floor. The girl had shrieked, and Bucky had staggered out the crowded dance hall with Steve right behind him grabbing their coats. It made Steve smirk slightly as he recalled Bucky sniffling and hiccupping on Steve’s fire escape clutching with both hands a glass of water as he pouted about how embarrassed he felt.  
In some regards Bucky was recovering more of himself then Steve had dared to dream was possible during those first few months of deprograming Hydra’s Asset. Steve knew the other Avengers and even the Psychiatric team were genuinely impressed with how determined Bucky was to push himself forward and reclaim his independence from Hydra’s conditioning. But Steve had always known that the Winter Soldier’s resiliency and stubbornness, despite manipulation by Hydra, had always belonged to his best friend, a man he had admired since childhood.

Steve’s head was consumed in thought as he stepped off the elevator and stopped abruptly as he was greeted by Clint and Sam who both took in his startled expression and exchanged looks.

“I was coming by for lunch.” Steve stated and pointed at his phone as if confused why they were standing by the elevator.

“Well you never texted anything back so we decided to come by and check on you.” Sam shrugged and clapped Steve on his back, pulling him toward the open apartment door.

“Nat’s making some kinda weird Russian soup.” Clint offered as they crossed through the doorway into Sam’s apartment within the Tower.

“It’s not weird,… you just can’t pronounce the ingredients.” Natasha fired back with an arched eyebrow as she stirred a soup over the stove. Steve stat heavily in a chair, and smiled with a nod of thanks when Sam handed him a cold beer. The two other men took seats at the table and Natasha continued to stir the soup as she quietly waited for the three men to discuss the plane ride back to the Tower with Sergeant Barnes.

“Nat said Fury wants SHEILDS Psy department to do another assessment on Barnes before he returns to active duty?” Sam stated but with a question for Steve to open up about all the thoughts racing in his mind. The Captain looked over at Sam for a long moment and then looked down at his beer and nodded.

“We watched the security footage from inside the Hydra bunker.” Steve sighed and looked up at Clint who nodded as he sat back and took a swig of his own beer.

“Yea,… not gonna lie, freaked me out a little,… was pretty gruesome,” Client shook his head and took another sip, clearly trying to think about how to carefully express himself given the sensitive nature of the situation. “But...I think that guy probably deserved it… and then some,…” Steve looked at Clint and then over to Sam who was watching Steve’s face as the Captain considered the statement and the possible implications.

“Bucky knew him,…. Remembered him…?” Steve asked and Sam nodded as he crossed his arms. Steve swallowed and looked at Clint and then again at Sam.  
“What did he say?” Steve’s voice became a low, calm tone that was underlined with authority. Sam whipped his mouth and looked at Clint for a moment and then back to Steve. 

“He said the guy was scum and deserved to die,… And then called him a rich pervert,… Said the guy was running Human sex trafficking operations in east Asia and Eastern Europe to entertain Hydra’s investors.” Sam stated simply. Steve thought about the information and felt a nauseous pit in his stomach as his mind made the connections for him, the same way Sam and Clint had when questioning the Sergeant’s violent reaction.

“He stabbed him in between the legs…..” Steve whispered and his jaw locked as he closed his eyes. He breathed threw his noise as he felt Sam rest a hand on his shoulder.

“When I asked him about that,… he had a flashback and I thought he might dissociate again,… with a knife in his hand.” Sam explained and Steve’s eyes shot open and he looked at Sam and then at Clint with obvious concern.

“Nothing happened Cap,… but I had a tranq dart ready,… and he knew we could see he was on the edge.” Clint admitted and Steve sat back with a heavy sigh shaking his head.

“This is why!....” Steve pushed away from the table and stood up as he ran his hands through his hair and paced. “This is why I knew he shouldn’t be on any missions against Hydra!.... I knew he could get triggered!...” Steve hung his head as he pinched the bridge of his noise. “Damit Bucky.” He swore low under his breath. Natasha squeezed his shoulder and he turned toward her.

“Steve,… you can’t protect Barnes from what Hydra has already done to him. Let him work through it and fight against their control… He will never get better if you don’t let him face it the way he knows how.” Natasha nodded and Steve shook his head in frustration.

“Natasha I can’t let him go berserk on missions when he could pose a danger to himself or our team.” The Captain gestured toward Sam and Clint for emphasis.

“What If he hurt Clint in that Bunker or If he dissociated on the plane and thought they were Hydra?....It’s not just about Bucky’s deserving his revenge… Being an Avenger means more than that and I can’t except the risk that he might lose himself out in the field when we are counting on him.” Steve reasoned with an exacerbated tone.

“Man Steve,… This guy has been on 9 missions with us in the last three months and countless missions before he could even think straight or remember his own name. He might have some setbacks like today, but that doesn’t mean he can’t handle himself in the field.” Sam challenged and Steve continued to shake his head.  
“Sam,…..” Steve swallowed and put his hands on his hips as he let out a deep breath.

“Bucky will never be able to admit if he is feeling unstable or if he is struggling,… he will always grin and bear whatever the situation is and keep going even if it kills him!” Steve exclaimed and Natasha shrugged as she commented.

“Something you both have in common.” The Widow pointed out and Steve huffed as he turned away and then offered his own shrug and sad expression.  
“I can’t stand by this time and watch him suffer through this like I did during the War. I have to protect him, even if it’s from himself!” The others exchanged looks with each other before Natasha grabbed his hand and lead him back toward the table.

“Just eat something and stop trying to convince yourself that you can ease the pain of the past by controlling the present.” She accepted a hot bowl of soup from Clint and placed it in front of Steve.

“Take it from a girl raised by the Red Room, the pain never goes away, but taking control of your life, and what decisions you make,…” She smiled and pat his shoulder before she sat next to him and accepted another Bowl from Client who clearly was ready to get lunch started. “That is the only way to move forward.” Steve sighed again but took a spoonful of soup and closed his eyes as he let the rich broth sooth the nauseous ach in his gut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Next Chapter is angsty and then the last one is sexy.


	26. Free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Bucky feels! Angst and crying but resolution. One Chapter left after this one.

He was kneeling on the cold tile floor, metal hand clenching the wrist of his flesh arm behind his back in parade position as he awaited further instruction. The Asset was drenched in sweat but shivered in the damp air, muscles sore from rigorous exercise, bruises and scraps visible on his naked flesh from minor injuries sustained in battle. He had completed his mission and was back at base, prepared for whatever orders came next. He did not think about the mission before, or where he was or why, what purpose Hydra had for their obedient soldier to be naked and kneeling on the floor, submissively waiting on whoever they commanded him to serve. He tried to focus on compliance, on accepting that order was gained through pain and he was never to question why or to acknowledge the nauseous cramping he felt as the whispered echoes of past abusive violations sent shivers down his spine and made him clench his jaw.

A voice from the walls had been speaking but not to the Asset. It had been asking for a response from a Sergeant. The name of the officer unimportant, only that he was to report back. Hydra’s Asset did not look away from the door, he did not dare move or respond without specific directives or the punishment would be severe. He felt his pulse begin to race as he heard footsteps approaching the closed door, heavy and urgent. The Winter Soldier was a disciplined machine, a weapon of pure violence and terror, and yet, in this moment he was the one gripped with terror and the sensation was overwhelming and not part of his programming which meant he was defective. 

There was a knock at the door and a man spoke loudly with authority in his tone. The Asset felt his breathing coming faster and shallower through his noise, blood pounding in his ears as he realized that he was malfunctioning and they would know. His Handlers would order the lab tecs to perform corrective mantaince and then reprogramming, but first, he would receive his conditioning, order through pain. The Commanding officer on the other side of the door was speaking louder and he knocked again. The Asset was trembling in place, metal hand squeezing his wrist as he opened his mouth and tried to gulp in air, vision getting fuzzy and head pounding. 

The door unlocked on it’s own and opened suddenly, letting in a wave of cold air. The Asset dropped his head down, trying to hid his wide eyed panic and gasping, vision swimming as he shook, squeezing his wrist so hard he could feel the small fractures that shot pain through his nervous system.   
Order through pain, focus, control, comply. 

He felt the looming figure approach him and kneel down, examining his current level of malfunction. Large, calloused hands reached out touching his face and the fear and panic raced through the Asset like a bolt of electricity from the chair.

“Heit,…. Heit…..” His voice was a chocked, breathless whisper as he shook his head. He didn’t want them to touch him, he didn’t want to let them have his body even if he was their Asset to use however they deemed necessary. His wants were inconsequential and defiance would not be tolerated. He needed to follow orders, he needed to obey Hydra but he couldn’t comply, not again.

“Bucky?... Can you look at me?... Please?” Steve was kneeling in front of his best friend trying to reach him through his dissociative panic attack. He had been sketching the sun setting over the New York Skyline when Jarvis had reported that Sergeant Barnes had exited the Steam room and was kneeling in parade rest on the bathroom tile floor of his Gym. Bucky had been unresponsive to Jarvis’s attempts to assess his state of mind and so the Captain had been alerted as was the protocol.

He placed his hand on Bucky’s panic-stricken face and felt the hot tears run over his thumb and the cold, calming cheek under his palm. When Bucky began to whisper no in Russian his voice sounded desperately afraid and Steve could sense the tension in Bucky’s trembling form right before he lashed out. Steve Jumped back wards as The Asset sprang to his feet bolted for the door. He slipped on the wet tile and crashed through the doorway with a feral cry desperate for escape. Steve got to his feet but did not rush, aware that Jarvis had the gym on secure lock down until the Captain gave the all clear. 

The terrified soldier raced through the room towards the door but it would not open, he banged on it with his metal fist as he screamed in rage like a caged animal. Steve was wearing under armor and shorts with running shoes, aware that he should be ready for anything after Bucky’s dissociative episode during the mission, including the potential for a violent, psychotic break from reality. Bucky continued to fight against the reinforced door of his gym turned cell as Steve stood on the other side of the room calling out to him in a calm but authoritative voice. 

There was no way out so he had to fight. The Asset turned toward the only other person in the room and growled like a predator, refusing to be dominated. Steve let out a deep breath and got ready to fight defensively as Bucky grabbed wights off the nearest machine and through them with lethal intent at the blond man’s head, guard up and ready for the attack. 

Steve dodged and stayed back, calling out to Bucky who was behaving like a savage beast instead of as a well-trained fighter, throwing everything he could and staying by the door, escape still his top priority. The Captain stayed back, calling out to Bucky while ordering Jarvis to get Barton for back up. At the sound of Steve’s order the Soldier new reinforcements were coming and he had to act fast. The Asset ran forward and the Captain leapted back, slamming his fist on a button set into the wall that sent a sonic wave directed at Bucky’s arm trigging a sequenced code that disabled it temporarily. The Asset howled in anger at the dead limb at his side and instantly backed away with strangled, panicked breaths as he held up his flesh arm, bruised and fractured along his wrist.

“Bucky,… Try to breath,… I am not here to hurt you,… no one is coming to hurt you.” Steve stated calmly, the words well practiced after well over a year of dealing with his friend’s painful recover. Steve swallowed down the disappointment at seeing the man he loved who had come so far in the past several months, regressed to the mentality of a frightened animal, unable to communicate beyond grows of rage and cries of panic.

The Asset rushed forward with a growl, but Steve blocked his kicks and when his injured wrist connected with the Captain’s jaw the pain was sharp and made him choke back a gasp, desperate to hid his injury so it could not be exploited. Steve had willingly taken the blow to get in close and now had him pinned, bare back to his chest. Steve kept his face ducked into Bucky’s neck to avoid head buts and rolled backwards on to the ground as he wrapped his legs around Bucky’s twisting and struggling form. 

“Нет ... Нет ... Я не буду подчиняться ... Нет, нет, нет!". (I wont comply,… No,…No don’t!) Bucky screamed in Russian even as Steve whispered calming words behind his ear, holding on firmly and ignoring each painful revolt and the weight on his chest.

Sir Agent Barton is outside with the sedative.

Jarvis voice was loud enough to hear over Bucky’s Russian protests and Steve gave the order. The door opened and shut quickly as Clint rushed in with the modified dart gun, aiming the Thorazine injection for Bucky’s exposed hip muscle. It landed with physician precision despite the contortions and adrenalin fuled attempts to break through the Captains tight hold.

The Winter Soldier cried out in desperation and the sound was heartbreaking as his fierce growls of resistance became panicked sobs and his Russian curses became slurred English with a Brooklyn accent.

“Get yer filthy hands off’ ah me!... I won’t comply you sick Nazie fucks,…. I won’t never let you touch me!..... Not no more,…. Please,…. Not again!” Steve’s hold remained firm until Bucky’s attempts to break loose became sluggish like his speech and his cries of hate became sobs of a man who knew his words meant nothing and he would be forced to submit to whatever they wanted to do to him.

Steve rolled them both on to their left sides and Bucky curled in on himself as Steve loosened his grip and sat up. The trembling man brought his bruised and fractured wrist up over his head, hiding as he choked on silent sobs. Steve looked down at Bucky and then up to Clint who simply nodded with a small salute and sad eyes, leaving without a word to give them privacy. Steve sat all the way up and reached down gently with a hand on Bucky’s flesh shoulder, wishing they could have just used a tranquilizer that knocked him out instead of an anti-psychotic sedative that left him dazed and confused with little energy but Bucky had stated that coming back slowly was better than going unconscious during a psychotic break because his dreams were just as terrifying. Steve and the others had witnessed this first hand and so respected Bucky’s choice to be sedated but awake if he ever lost control.

“Bucky,… It’s me,… It’s your Stevie.” The Captain spoke softly, keeping his hand on his friends bicep but not moving any closer. The former Asset was silently sobbing and hiding under his sweat soaked strains of hair, using his flesh arm as a shield, eyes squeezed shut against his tears and breathing heavy through his noise, a soft whining noise trapped behind his clenched teeth.

“Bucky,… listen to my voice,… I will not hurt you… You are not going to be punished,…. You are safe.” Steve stood up after a few more long moments without any response and moved toward the bathroom where he turned on the faucet for the jacuzzi tub and poured in the lavender epsilon salt. 

He turned back and paused for a moment as he looked himself in the mirror, feeling guilty about his remarks towards Bucky earlier that morning about restraints and sedation. Bucky would no doubt be embarrassed about Clint using the sedative and seeing him naked after months of the two snippers becoming competitive comrades in sharp shooting spending many nights sharing a bottle of Whiskey down at the shooting range. Steve hated that he had called for backup but he didn’t want to hurt Bucky physically and could tell already that his wrist was damaged. He shrugged and rolled his shoulders and then headed back out to the decimated gymnasium where Bucky remained curled up and softly crying.

“Hey Pal,… Lets get you off the floor and cleaned up,… It’s gonna be okay,… I got you,… Stevie’s got you!” The Captain carefully lifted Bucky off the floor and had him sitting up but swaying with only minor resistance. Bucky’s glazed, wet eyes blinked as he tried to focus on the man who was cradling him in his arms gently instead of dragging him by his damaged and malfunctioning arms.

“S….Steve…ie?” Bucky asked with a choked sob. Steve smiled at him and nodded, pushing the wet strains of hair out of his face. 

“Yea Buck,… It’s me.” Steve promised and used one hand to wipe the tears off his friends flushed cheeks before quickly reaching down and removing the tranq dart from Bucky’s hip. “Can you stand up for me Bucky?...That’s it,… I got you,… nice and easy.” Steve stood up slowly, supporting Bucky’s wait as his friend struggled with his coordination, limbs heavy and stiff, metal arm still hanging limp at his side. The dosage of the Thorazine was super soldier strength but would dissipate within the hour, leaving Bucky tired but less confused and disoriented. Steve guided Bucky into the bathroom and towards the filling bathtub that smelled sweet and soothing. Bucky was shaking still and Steve knew it wasn’t just a side effect of the anti-Psychotic.

“S…s..s..Steve….. Stevie…?” Bucky’s voice was still slurred and his gaze disoriented but his crystal blue eyes held fear and that made Steve feel protective and in need to ease his friend’s troubled mind.

“it’s okay Bucky,… Your safe,… I’m with you pal,… I’m right here.” Steve thought about the first time this century that he had helped Bucky bath all those many months ago and the parallel made his chest ach as he thought about their relationship and how it had grown in intimacy that felt wrong and coercive when Bucky was in such a helpless state. They had spent the past several months relearning how to love each other physically and had been mostly successful in avoiding flashbacks but there were still frequent nightmares and occasional panic attacks. Through it all, every trial and error, Steve would check in with Bucky and make sure he was grounded and present and most importantly that he wanted to be touched and that he felt good.

“Bucky,… can you step into the tub pal?” Bucky gave a jerky nod, head still down as he shook quietly. Leaning heavily on Steve he got into the bath and sunk down into the warm water with a moan that became a sob and he turned away ashamed.

“Hey,… It’s alright,…Don’t hide Buck,…let me help you… please.” Steve spoke with a gentle plea as he used both hands to caress the hair from Bucky’s face and rub his tense shaking shoulder. There were several long minutes of silence, the tub filling up and Bucky’s shuddered breathing the only sound until he finally spoke with a soft mumble, tired gaze fixed low on Steve chest.

“Music?” Bucky’s voice was scratchy and raw from crying. Steve nodded and then requested Jarvis play them some vintage jazz from their collection, something calm. As the melodic sound filtered into the room Bucky took in a deep breath and closed his eyes, leaning forward until his forehead rested against Steve’s abdomen. The Captain sat on the edge of the tub and continued his comforting touch, letting his hands rub soothing circles into Bucky’s back, carefully messaging the muscles that were most strained by the weight of the deactivated prosthetic limb. When the tub was , Steve stood up and turned it off and then switched on the silent jets that filled the warm soapy wter with bubbles. Bucky remained silent and hunched over in the tub, close to the edge, blinking open his drowsy eyes and looking up as he followed Steve’s movements. The Captain sat down on the edge of the tub once more and offered a soft smile.

“Go ahead Buck,… lay back and relax.” He couched with a nod and Bucky bit his lip and looked away with hesitation before he swallowed and spoke again, voice unsure of himself.

“Join me?” He asked without making eye contact and Steve studied his friend who remained curled in on himself, still shaking but breathing even and tears no longer pouring down his cheeks but still living in his red eyes.

“Are you sure?” Steve asked quietly and Bucky gave another jerky nod. Steve stood up and removed his shirt and saw Bucky flinch when he through it toward the laundry shoot. He paused and then knelt down again by the edge and reached out, placing a sold hand on Bucky’s bi-sept. 

“Do you want me to leave my shorts on?” Steve asked patiently, trying to catch Bucky’s nervous gaze that was staring at Steve’s hand on his arm. Bucky let out a pained sound and squeezed his eyes shut again shaking his head.

“Please Stevie,… don’t let them ruin what we have,…. I…. I ‘m sorry,…. I’m so sorry,…I…Please!” Bucky chocked out and hastily wiped the tears from his eyes in humility as he covered his face. Steve leaned in and kissed Bucky’s forehead before whispering.

“They can’t ruin us Bucky,…they don’t matter anymore,… It’s just you and me pal,… Just us.” Steve promised before he stood up and took off the rest of his clothes, Bucky wiping his red eyes and pouting as he took a few deep breaths, practicing as his therapist had recommended.

Steve stepped into the hot water and made himself comfortable, leaning back with his arms open and resting outstretched on the rim of the hot tub. Bucky continued his measured breathing before moving so he could relax against Steve’s body. He uncoiled and tentatively leaned toward Steve who kept his body still, giving Bucky the freedom to touch him when ready. Slowly, with nervous eyes and shaking hands Bucky laid his tense body curled up on his side between Steve’s legs, resting with his ear over Steve’s chest to listen to the steading beating of his heart. The rise and fall of Steve’s chest as he breathed was grounding, the warm water and lavender helping to sooth his anxious body and the noise of his thoughts. 

Steve stayed quite for several long moments, as he began stroking his hand through Bucky’s knotted hair while using his other hand to gently massage the tense muscles of his left shoulder blade where even with a new metal prosthetic, the trauma of years past still ached. Bucky remained quietly breathing as he focused on regaining sensation in his left arm, the fingers spasming as he flexed his joints.

After several songs had played their familiar melodies, Bucky gave a small shudder and swallowed as he turned his face into Steve’s chest as if to hide from whatever ugly memories were poisoning his thoughts.

“Bucky?” Steve asked as he stilled both of his hands, letting them rest protectively but not restraining. Bucky didn’t look up but instead he squeezed his eyes shut before he spoke with an gravel whisper. 

“I lied to Natasha.” His words were mumbled into Steve’s chest and The Captain moved one hand up Bucky’s back, the sensation making him shudder.  
“About what Buck?” Steve asked as he stilled again, aware that Bucky’s shudder had become a shiver. Bucky remained buried in Steve’s chest until the Captain called his name again and he sighed heavily. He pushed back and sat up shaking his head as his wet eyes grew distant, his voice a chocked whisper.

“I said he wasn’t the worst,… but,…I think,… I remember,… he… he…” Bucky crumbled as he buried his face in both hands shaking his head. Steve felt his gut grow tight and he placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, a sad expression painted on his face.

“He’s dead Bucky,… You killed him and he can never hurt you again… No one will ever hurt you like that ever again!... I promise!” Steve’s voice was practiced calm and strong but he struggled to swallow and keep his own rage smothered. Bucky sat hunched over as he silently sobbed into his palms with Steve resting a sturdy hand on his shoulder but not touching him further. 

Eventually Bucky sat up and wiped his face as he let out a shuddered sigh and swallowed before looking back over to Steve, unable to raise his eyes in shame.  
“I screwed everything up huh Steve?... Now Fury and them know how much of a nutjob I still am… No more missions,…” Bucky pouted as he glared down at his metal arm that had gutted the life from the Former Hydra pervert.

“Hey,… Your not a nutjob,… you are a war hero with PTSD,… and that’s okay,… we just got to make sure you process what happened and take some time to deal with it… Then,… when you are ready, I will be glad to have you out there watching my six!” Steve offered with a sympathetic smile as Bucky’s depressed gaze traveled up toward his with a look of uncertainty.

“Really?” Bucky asked with a small pout and large wet eyes.

“Yea Buck!... I was wrong to try and keep you out of the field,… I just want you to be safe is all.” Steve offered as he carded his hand through Bucky’s wet locks of hair. “But you have every right to be out there,… this fight is ours,… together!” Steve offered a nod and small smile as he tried to remember what Sam and Natasha had said, realizing that Bucky was still recovering and needed to do it on his own terms with Steve’s support. 

“Not sure the rest of the gang will feel the same Cap.” Bucky huffed as he bit his lip and shook his head.

“We all get compromised sometimes Buck,… But that’s why it’s good to have a team,… because we watch out for each other and can offer back up when things get hard.” He squeezed Bucky’s shoulder who met Steve’s gaze at last with reluctant hope. 

“I was a jerk for what I said this morning Bucky,… I’m sorry pal,… I am so proud of you for facing your worst fears, fighting back against the trigger words and coming back in one piece!” Steve stated as an absolute truth.

“Even though I botched the Mission to gain intelligence?” Bucky asked with a timid voice, eyeing Steve sideways.

“Buck, when it comes to dealing with Hydra scumbags, the mission is always going to be second to whatever you need… and I think killing this bastard might have been what you needed to do.” Steve offered with a genuine expression and certainty in his steadfast gaze.

Bucky looked at him with a pensive frown before nodding to himself and letting out a deep sigh as he wiped his face before relaxing back against Steve, letting himself be wrapped in the Captain’s arms. He listened to the music of his generation and tried to remember that he was free of the living nightmare that Hydra had enslaved him too for so long. His name was Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes and he would never let anyone rob him of his free will, never again.

End Note: So this Chapter was to revisit / wrap up the aftermath of severe sexual trauma and abuse. I didn’t want to jump into sexy times between our Super Soldiers without acknowledging where Bucky is at in terms of his recovery and his comfort with sexuality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter is the final and as the stucky smut I promised.


	27. And I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: This is the last chapter. It has taken some time to edit and get this beast of a story up but I appreciate you reading and hope my first steps into stucky smut are decent. It is important that this scene fit with the story and who these characters are.

The sun was low in the sky, shades of pink and purple streaked across the horizon over the Atlantic Ocean as the breeze blew the white curtains draped between the open balcony doors. Steve sat quietly reading through a stack of fan mail that the Avenger’s HR department had sent to them along with a care package of treats Javis knew were both Steve and Bucky’s favorites. They had been on the secluded island for 10 days, their only company the friendly but professional care takers who brought the gourmet prepared meals to their extravagantly elegant beach Bungalow, along with fresh linens and towels. Steve smiled and waved at the grinning man on the boat as the other staff boarded and they took off for the main public resort island 45 minutes away. He watched as they headed into the evening sun set and then looked down at the envelop in his hands covered in Avengers stickers and sloppy handwriting. He smiled as he opened the letter and found a note from a 7-year-old girl along with a decent drawling of the Avengers. Steve’s smile broadened as he saw that Bucky was in the picture as well. He read the note that had many questions in it but also a few words about how her father had a metal leg and was in the Navy. She said that he was living in a hospital for people who had bad dreams and needed help to not be angry. Steve swallowed as he read her simple words with a sigh. The note ended with her explaining that her mother was part of a support group called Recovering Heroes, sponsored by one of the NGO’s founded by Stark Industries whose mission was to provide therapy and resources to soldiers and their families coping with both physical and mental health trauma as the result of combat. 

The Captain had spoken at public events raising money and awareness for their cause and with Bucky’s permission, had shared some of the details of the Sergeant’s recovery and the support they had both received from the Avengers. These fundraising events combined with Pepper Pot’s top rate HR team had helped sway the public opinion of the former Hydra Asset. In conjunction Bucky had been found not guilty earlier that year after the investigation and closed court room trial were he had faced the numerous charges brought against him after Project insight.

Steve smiled as he felt Bucky’s presence silently join him on the ocean view balcony and he looked up as he felt a him lean over his shoulder.

“That supposed to be me?” He asked squinting at the drawling of the Avengers. Steve held it up for them both to admire and nodded as Bucky huffed a small chuckle.

“Not bad,…. Lets send her an art kit.” Bucky suggested as he took a seat next to Steve and handed him a coconut with a large metal straw, holding his own in the other hand. The Captain’s smile grew and he grabbed his phone to text Jarvis the request and address for the delivery.

“Good idea Buck.” Steve handed Bucky the letter admiring his tan torso in the evening light as he sipped his fresh coconut. Steve watched as Bucky’s eyebrows furled when he read about the girl’s father. 

“You have inspired a lot of people Buck,… a lot of men and woman who are struggling with their own recovery.” 

Steve put down his phone and reached a hand over, squeezing Bucky’s as he offered him a compassionate smile. Bucky shrugged and rolled his eyes with a half-hearted sigh and shake of his head.  
“Guess I’m glade something good came out of all this Bullshit.” He grumbled and set down the letter before rubbing his face. Steve set down his coconut and stood up before kneeling in front of his best friend, the man he loved above all else, setting both hands on Bucky’s muscular thighs clothed in soft white linen paints.  
“James Buchanan Barnes,… You are a role model for all those brave souls who have survived their own hell and are still learning how to be themselves again. I am so grateful that you let me share your recovery as an example of how people can overcome even the worst trauma and still hold their heads up high.” Bucky smirked at Steve’s genuine and earnest expression before cupping his lover’s face and leaning down to give him a soft kiss on his lips. 

“You are such a Sap Stevie.” Bucky murmured against his lips and Steve let out an amused huff, sliding his hands further up Bucky’s legs toward his waist.

“I am just calling it like it is Buck!” Steve’s voice took on a slightly seductive tone as his fingers untied the drawstring on Bucky’s paints.

“You are my hero,… and I just want you to feel how loved and idolized you are.” Steve ginned and cocked an eyebrow suggestively as he dipped his fingertips below the waist band of Bucky’s paints. 

The Brunet huffed another laugh, but he bit his lip as his pupils dilated, flesh hand twitching nervously as his metal fist griped the chair arm. With a swallow and small nod of consent, he lifted his hips slightly so Steve could pull down the soft fabric, exposing his slowly stiffening erection. Steve’s smile transformed from sweet to sinful almost instantly as he took hold of Bucky’s length in his hand and began to slowly stroke up and down. Steve stared at Bucky with intent, his gaze piercing as he watched Bucky bite his lip hard and blush as he met Steve’s eyes. 

Bucky swallowed, eyes wide and breathing escalated as his flesh hand shook, reaching out to run his trembling fingers through the blond hair that crowned his Best Guy’s head.

“I love you Punk!” Bucky breathed out with a shudder; voice raspy as Steve chuckled. 

“Back at you Jerk…” The Captain smirked before lowering his head into Bucky’s lap, keeping his eyes locked with Bucky’s equally intense gaze.   
The Sergeant chocked on his breath as his hand tightened in Steve’s hair when he took Bucky’s length into his mouth in one sudden motion, just as direct and to the point as he ever was. Bucky moaned at the hot, wet mouth devouring his manhood as Steve’s head bobbed in a deliberate rhythm, both hands gripping Bucky’s waist to hold him in place.

It didn’t take long before Bucky was grunting, eyes half open but locked on Steve as the Captain swallowed him down to the base of his cock then back to the tip again and again, pausing only to swirl his tongue around the head as Bucky kept a firm grip in Steve’s short golden hair.  
“S..SSS…Steve,… Stevie,… I …. I’m gonna…” Bucky panted as Steve pulled back and jerked Bucky through his orgasm with the commanding praise, he knew Bucky needed to let himself go with out a sense of anxiety.

“That’s it,… Go ahead Bucky,…let yourself feel good!... Your so Beautiful!... Wanna watch you cum!...Cum for me Bucky!... Cum Now!” His sultry encouragements ended with a Captain’s order and Bucky let out a guttural cry through clenched teeth, eyes squeezing shut as ribbons of cum landed on his thighs and abdomen. Steve grinned smugly at his handy work before wiping the cum off his hand against his own slacks while he brought his other hand up to cradle the side of his lover’s face.  
Bucky was trembling as his hand dropped from Steve’s hair, chest heaving and eyes blinking open, glazed and disoriented over a quivering pout, looking lost and completely intoxicated. He flinched at the first feel of Steve’s fingers against his face, skin flushed and sensitive to touch, heartbeat racing. As was sometimes the case after Bucky’s release, he needed help to come back into himself and be present. Steve patiently remained still, palm soft but firm against Bucky’s cheek as his thumb brushed away the wetness that gathered under the crystal blue eyes that struggled to focus on the man kneeling Infront of him.

“Bucky,… hey,… look at me sweat heart!... Come on, I’m right here,… let me see those baby blues.” Steve’s voice was soft and gentle, a tone he knew could bring Bucky back down from his heated adrenalin. Steve had been learning how to recognize when he needed to check in with Bucky, using softly spoken words and touch to help ground him. Bucky blinked a few times and sucked in a shuddered breath as he brought his flesh hand up to hold Steve’s palm against his wet cheek. 

“S..S..Steve?” Bucky stuttered as his eyes tried to focus on the man holding his gaze. 

“Hey, pal,… there you are,… there’s my Bucky!” Steve’s voice was soothing and warm like his loving expression and a full body shiver ran through Bucky as he let out a small sigh and his eyes fluttered closed. They stayed a moment longer in the calm warmth of the sunset, the sound of waves crashing against the beach.  
“What’s our word Bucky?... Where is your head right now?... Are we good?” Steve kept his tone light and easy but always felt a small twist of concern as he knew that sexual intimacy with Bucky always had the potential to trigger a flash back of abuse. It had taken months of practice and couples therapy for Steve to feel comfortable that he could be with Bucky in the way they both desperately wanted.

“Brooklyn,… I,…we,… Brooklyn Steve.” Bucky spoke the safe word he had chosen but clearly was still in a fragmented head space, speech a challenge.  
Steve nodded with a soft smile and thoughtful expression before pulling Bucky’s paints off completely, stripping his lover naked before standing up and leaning over him protectively, shielding his body from the tropical breeze.

“Well my oh my Sergeant Barnes,… look at the mess you made on yourself… Think we might need to get you cleaned up.” Steve purred at him as he leaned in closer, hovering over him as his hand cupped Bucky’s jaw, thumb traveling over his puffy bottom lip, red from being bitten. Steve’s thumb probed the wet inside of his lips and Bucky shuddered again before sucking on the digit as his glossy blue eyes drifted up to Steve’s face in a look of lustful delirium.

“Would you like that Sweet boy?... Want me to wash you clean,….” Steve’s voice was a rumble, blue eyes full of hunger as Bucky rolled his tongue around his Captain’s thumb and nuzzled against the palm of his hand. Steve used his other hand to run through Bucky’s thick hair down to the back of his neck squeezing slightly as he whispered low in Bucky’s ear.

“I am gonna get you all soapy and wet,… clean you inside and out,… If that’s what you want?” Steve questioned, knowing that his intimacy with Bucky was something beautiful but also careful, providing the guidance and caretaking Bucky craved but with deliberate attention on consent. Bucky was no longer panting but his body still shook as he nodded with a small begging sound from his throat, eyes squeezing shut.

Steve smiled, knowing that bath time was one of Bucky’s favorite activities, with or without the promise of sex. Bucky had confided to Steve that one of his clearest memories during the fog of confusion from illness and distorted thinking on the night Steve and the others brought him home to the tower was of the Captain using a warm wash cloth to gently clean his battered and bloody body. He said he had forgotten how good touch could feel and the purpose of keeping his skin clean. As their intimacy with each other continued to blossom, Steve had grown to love giving Bucky his bathes, washing his skin while massaging his muscles and scalp, coaxing from his friend the soft whimpers and moans that made his cock achingly hard.

“Bucky…..” Steve’s voice was patient but underlined with authority as he withdrew his thumb and placed both hands on either side of his lover’s face. “Look at me sweet heart!” His tone was a command but soft and spoken without threat. Bucky blinked open, swallowing as his dazed eyes locked with Steve’s, a desperate and needy whine trembling from his pouting lips.

“Please……please Sir.” Bucky panted and Steve carded his finger’s through his lover’s hair as he smiled at him with affection.

“Please what beautiful?” Steve couched as his hands kneaded through Bucky’s hair and scalp sending more shivers through him strait to his once more thickening cock.

“Please wash me,…please,…I…I want to be your Bucky.” His words were whispered with a flush of heat spreading red up his cheeks. Steve nodded and rewarded his answer with a deep, heated kiss as his hands traveled down Bucky’s back pulling him up to his feet. When he broke the contact of their lips he smiled, one hand wrapped around Bucky’s lower back the other on the side of his face. 

“You will always be my Bucky, now and forever if you want to be.” Bucky nodded, legs week as he continued to tremble. 

It had taken some time to get use to for Steve but he recognized that Bucky was no longer the suave and confident man of his youth, and now his sexuality was more vulnerable and raw. The sensation of pleasurable touch was always intense and electrifying for Bucky, but at times it could get too overwhelming and he would dissociate, face going blank as he became forcibly calm. The first time it happened Steve hadn’t noticed right away and was lost in the sensation of making love. When he climaxed and pulled out, he realized Bucky had gone completely still remaining on his hands and knees on the bed. Steve called out to him and moved to look into his lover’s eyes that were vacant and blank, staring straight ahead at nothing. Steve instantly through blankets over him and pulled him into a desperate hug before picking him up and carrying him out to their Livingroom. The Captain called Bucky’s psychiatrist instantly while hastily getting dressed and then dressing Bucky, telling him to stand and put on cloths before wrapping him back up in blankets with the order to remain on the coach and speak with the doctor. Steve left immediately when the Psychiatric team arrived, the doctor always accompanied by a trained shield agent with a tranquilizer whenever a dissociative episode took place.

Steve broke down and cried with guilt, hiding in Bucky’s Gym. It was only a few hours later when he emerged that he found his Boyfriend leaning against the wall outside with an exhausted smile. Steve cried again with desperate apologies and promises he would never touch Bucky again. In response The Sergeant huffed at his Captain and gave Steve a comforting hug as he told him to stop being so dramatic.

Now months later after several couples therapy sessions with an Intimacy Counselor, Steve had grown to understand what his lover needed from him and so held Bucky firmly pressed against him, letting him breath and calm down before taking a small step back once he could feel Bucky’s legs become more sturdy. He smirked as he looked down at where Bucky’s cum smeared abdomen had been pressed flush against his own shirtless torso, a slick, wet glue shared between them.

“Hmmmm,… Guess I am gonna need to get clean now too,… lets go take a hot bath Baby doll.” Steve whispered into Bucky’s neck, kissing down to his collar bone as he took his shaking flesh hand. Bucky nodded biting his lip again, speechless and flushed from head to toe. 

Steve lead him through the balcony doors into their Bungalow, smiling seductively over his shoulder as Bucky blushed and bit his lip, looking away and then back towards Steve’s devilish grin. They entered the bathroom and Steve turned toward Bucky, never releasing his hand as he brought the flesh palm up to his own face and kissed him gently from the tips of his fingers down his arm and up to his collar bone where he began to suck on his neck , hands groping Bucky’s firm ass, erection growing fast. Steve grunted as he bit light on Bucky’s neck when the brunet moaned and grinded his cock against Steve’s own rock-hard erection still clothed in his lounge pants. 

“I’m gonna get you so slick and wet Bucky,…Your gonna feel so good when I fill you up inside!” Steve mouthed hot as he left wet kisses down Bucky’s neck and onto his chest, squeezing Bucky’s ass with one hand and stroking his cock with the other. Steve licked and sucked on Bucky’s right nipple before pulling away with a smug smile as Bucky panted and shook, naked, both hands running over Steve’s broad back and shoulders and eyes blown wide.

“It’s time we get this bath ready Buck,…time to get my best guy all washed clean.” Steve winked as he turned on the silent bath jets and faucet. He pulled his pants down and threw them at the hamper glancing back at Bucky who was still biting his lip as his flesh hand stroked his stiffening cock, eyes dancing over Steve’s perfect body.

“God Stevie,…. You where always so beautiful,… but they turned you into a golden god,…” Bucky swallowed as he looked down at his own body and the scares from countless missions and abuse from Hydra. He swallowed and shook his head with a smirk before dragging his gaze back toward Steve who had been pouring lavender bubble bath into the water. 

“Guess that makes me the devil.” Bucky chuckled darkly as he squeezed himself with a little pressure, enough to start to hurt. Steve turned around with a slight frown at Bucky’s grimace after comparing their bodies.

“Buck!” Steve admonished as he walked over and grabbed Bucky’s hand away forcing it behind his lower back as he pulled him in closer.

“You’ve always been a care free devil and mischievous,… taught me everything I know…” Steve pressed him into a heated kiss that ended soften and sincere.  
“Not sure I am still that Guy anymore Stevie,…”Bucky panted as he looked away and Steve just huffed and grabbed his jaw, forcing their eyes to meet.

“Who?... that Jerk from Brooklyn?...” Steve smiled and gave Bucky another soft kiss. “Well you sure taste like him!” He grinned at Bucky’s huff of laughter before stepping back and leading his lover into the jacuzzi tub.

Steve laid back against the jets as Bucky crawled on top of him with a ghost of his mischievous grin from years past. He ran his hands through Steve’s short hair as the Captain squeezed bath oil on his hand before lowering it down Bucky back over his ass that was beneath the soapy water. Bucky shuddered as he kissed Steve, feeling the Captains hands, one squeezing Bucky’s Botox while the other probed the tight ring of flesh, circling it before pushing inside. Bucky moaned and closed his eyes, resting his forehead on Steve’s shoulder as the Captain slide his finger in and out slowly before adding a second and then a third.

“Such a beautiful man,…I’m so lucky to have you Bucky,… thank you for being so good for me!” Steve whispered into Buck’s ear as he shook and made whimpering moans.

“Are you ready Bucky?....Do you want me to fill you up with my cock?” Steve asked him with an almost innocent tone. And Bucky just nodded as his hand gripped the sides of the tube, face still hidden in Steve’s shoulder.

“Tell me what you want Bucky.” Steve ordered as he took the hand not buried inside his Boyfriend and gripped the back of his neck pulling him away so he could see his face.

Bucky’s lips were trembling and he blinked open his heavy eyes as he swallowed, tears running down his cheeks. He was looking at Steve with a haze of lust, panting as he made eye contact.

“I want….I…I….” Bucky was gasping and Steve removed his fingers and placed them on both of their cocks as he began to stroke them together. Bucky moaned again closing his eyes as more tears trailed down his cheeks, the physical pleasure so intense. Bucky thought it was weird that he never cried when he was in pain, only when he was being pleasured but Steve told him he didn’t mind as long as Bucky wanted him to keep going.

“What,….what do you want Bucky,…. Say it beautiful,…I’ll give you anything you want,… just tell me sweat heart,…… you gotta tell me what to do!” Steve couched as he stroked both their erections beneath the silky smooth water.

“I….Please,….I…I” Bucky gasped between panting breaths, begging with his eyes as words failed him.

“Say it,…Now!” Steve growled with a tone of authority, squeezing his neck and Bucky sobbed as he came for a second time, eyes closing as his whole body shook violently. Steve was so turned on he almost couldn’t help himself, desperately wanting to thrust his achingly hard cock into Bucky’s tight, slick hole but he wouldn’t do it unless Bucky asked him to. That was their deal and Steve had been the one to make the rule in the first place.

“Bucky please!!!....” Steve begged as Bucky collapsed on top of him in a shivering mess, still crying and shaking out of his skin, hands holding onto Steve.

“I want to feel you inside me,….I…..ughhhhh.” 

Bucky’s mumbled words were cut off as he arched his back, hands tightening on Steve’s shoulders as The Captain immediately thrust up into Bucky’s body, both hands on his hips pulling him down onto Steve’s large shaft. He was too worked up to keep himself in a slow, 

controlled pace and began to buck his hips up rapidly as he drilled into his lover’s ass with lustful grunts. Bucky moaned, mouth gaping and eyes closed as he felt himself being fucked open on Steve’s thick cock again and again without mercy. The feeling so good but also intense, the stimulation edging him closer to panic but he grit his teeth and tried to focus on the pulsating pleasure burning through him each time his prostate was pounded. He bit his lip and forced himself to breath as he told himself he could handle it. 

Steve opened his eyes and saw the look of pleasure mixed with pain in Bucky’s face and new that Bucky was close to becoming over stimulated. He thrust up one more time hard and Bucky let out a chocked cry. Steve pulled out and pushed Bucky back as he grabbed his cock under water and jerked himself until he came, Bucky watching him with a panting, dazed expression. Steve grunted as he collapsed back against the tub and breathed out a spent sigh. He opened his eyes as he felt Bucky lay down with his back against Steve’s torso resting between his legs. Steve smiled and wrapped his arms around Bucky and kissed the top of his head.

“How are you doing Bucky?” Steve asked softly as he felt Bucky’s rapid heart beat slow down gradually, his gasps becoming shuddered breaths.

“Good,…. I’m good Steve.” Bucky sighed as he brought his hands up to wipe his eyes as the tears slowed. They rest quietly in the jacuzzi for several long moments, catching their breath before he spoke again, voice timid and muttered.

“I could have kept going you know.”

“Yhea,… well I got to watch you come so I wanted to return the favor.” Steve countered, deliberately avoiding the conversation that happened when ever Steve could tell Bucky was determined to keep going despite the over stimulation. Bucky snorted but decided it wasn’t worth challenging and so closed his eyes and hummed.

“Madilyn,…. Be a doll and Play Duke Ellington - Sophisticated Lady!” Bucky requested to Stark’s AI that was responsible for maintaining the Beach house.

Of course Sergeant Barnes. Would you like me to create a playlist based on this song?” The soft and soothing voice sounded from the walls.

“That would be swell, thank you mam!” Bucky grinned as he tilted his head back, peering up at Steve’s amused expression upside down.

“Ain’t the future grand Stevie?” Bucky winked and Steve laughed as he shook his head and kissed his forehead.

“I still prefer a record player any day.” Steve smiled fondly as Bucky rolled his eyes and settled back against Steve’s chest.

“Alright Grandpa Rodgers.” Bucky murmured and then laughed in surprise as Steve poked his ribs.

“That’s Captain Rodgers to you Sergeant.” He whispered with a soft but stern tone, a smirk decorating his lips as he felt Bucky give a small shudder, rubbing his ass back against Steve’s still semi hard erection.

“Hey Stevie….” Bucky breathed out a breathy sigh as his hand’s found Steve’s cafes that where on either side of him and began to massage them the way they had both done for each other during the War when they had to walk several miles almost daily.

“Yea Buck?” Steve smiled as he felt the familiar kneading of his muscles.

“I love bath time!” He shifted and relaxed back further, letting the soft melody of one of his musical idols soak into his skin like the warm soapy water, held safely in the arms of his best friend, the man he loved more then he could ever say.

“And I love you.” Steve chuckled as he closed his eyes, head back, one hand wrapped around Bucky and the other gently stroking through his best guy’s hair. Steve smiled as a tear slipped down his right cheek and he silently gave thanks for his second chance at a life with his Bucky.

The End!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Thank you for reading and sticking with me to the end. Never wrote smut before,… didn’t want to make it a porn scene but instead what their sex might really be like. Anyway hope it was a good ride.


End file.
